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Original poster

Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

416 replies

Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 08:36

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

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Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 13:07

SirenSays 🤣 @pinching the brother also at no point has the mum even mentioned the brother walking in with his sister. That's something that posters have invented on this thread. For all I know, if DH doesn't give them lifts the brother and sister may well walk separately anyway!

Wombatstew last year started very casually. They'd walk some days, DH would give them a lift, the other mum would give them a lift. Gradually the other mum stopped giving her DS lifts and so he would text my DS to ask how he was getting to school, they'd walk or DH would take them both and then the attack happened and DS stopped walking in and DH ended up doing all the driving so it was a gradual shift but the other had tailed off on the lifts anyway. She likes her lie ins!

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Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 13:12

SirenSays. Sigh. It was a joke, that whooshing sound you heard was it flying over your headGood lord or more likely the tumble weed rolling past after your poor attempt at humour.

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Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 13:15

OhRene yes you're right

DoYouWantDecking the getting out of the car without a thankyou does grate. Even DS says it to us and it still doesn't prompt the friend.

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HalzTangz · 03/09/2021 13:15

Surely the mature thing to do is sort a rota out. Maybe you do the lifts in the morning, the other parent does the pick ups
Or take it in turns week on week off.

I personally don't see the issue of taking the girl if you are taking the brother.

How does your son get to school of you or dad aren't available to drive?

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 03/09/2021 13:16

@Odisia

But the issue is that you haven't minded your DH giving the boy a lift, because that benefits your son. It's only now that you do, because you don't want the girl to tag along as that changes the dynamic.

It's understandable that the other mum would ask if the girl can have a lift too if there's space in the car. You are free to say no.

Ultimately you're using her son as much as you think she is using you for free lifts.

I think in asking the other mum should also have offered petrol and maybe checked OP is ok doing all the driving
Eddielzzard · 03/09/2021 13:20

Well I think it's really for your DH to decide what he's prepared to do. Personally I think agreeing to take someone else's kids every day, without any reciprocation or thanks when the parent is perfectly able is totally taking advantage, and I wouldn't stand for it.

Even if he drives past their house, there shouldn't be an expectation. It's more responsibility and removes his flexibility. What if he takes a day off? Does she expect him to give up a lie in and take her kids to school? What is reasonable? Certainly NOT her having a lie in every fucking day.

MsTSwift · 03/09/2021 13:22

Instinctively agree seems a cheek to me. Would be interested to know if the “be kind” brigade actually do these favours themselves…

Mrgrinch · 03/09/2021 13:25

To be honest I'd stop taking the boy as well.

friendlycat · 03/09/2021 13:27

I can see exactly what you mean here. It's all about commitment and expectation without any give or take.

My sister and I were taken to school by my DF and he collected three other girls on the way. Their DM collected all of us from school as the reciprocal arrangement so that there was give and take. He used to get very stressed hanging about for them in the morning as it would then sometimes make him late for work. But the arrangement did work between two families.

Under these circumstances I think the other Mum should be sharing this so one week your DH and one week her, but she is not offering anything in return. There will be loads of times when this doesn't work for your DH and the commitment of two other children when nothing is being offered in return could easily build resentment.

Why not suggest this approach to your friend and see how it is received? If she doesn't seem amenable to the suggestion I would then seriously rethink the whole thing as it's all take on her side without any give.

whynotwhatknot · 03/09/2021 13:30

She sounds a bit cf never offering to do it and never says thanks

just cut down the days you give them lifts say clashing with work or something

BoredZelda · 03/09/2021 13:36

it'll change the dynamic in the car

More of this “changing the dynamic” nonsense. It’s a lift to school not high tea with the Rear Admiral. Why do gatherings of more than 2 all of a sudden have a “dynamic” that must be protected at all costs?

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 03/09/2021 13:42

I'm very interested to know what friend says if you suggest alternating the driving

Walkingalot · 03/09/2021 13:46

@Coolter272 - I get it. My DS (now Yr8) has ASD and I still drive him to school. It would be a 45min walk or a bus, he wont do either.
Seeing as she's asked I would take the opportunity to suggest that you do lifts in a weekly rotation now. You could say that your DH wants to take the opportunity to leave earlier/later occasionally and you are hoping to persuade your son to catch a bus in the not to distant future?
What started off as helping your son and his mate has/could become an unpaid taxi service. I'd feel peeved too.

Mrgrinch · 03/09/2021 13:46

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

I'm very interested to know what friend says if you suggest alternating the driving
Me too. She sounds like a lazy user, laying in bed while some other idiot runs her kids to school free of charge.
GreenBiro · 03/09/2021 13:46

Hi [othermum]

I just thought I would message you about school lifts etc.

We are happy to take your DS and DD to school every second week if that helps. DH will be driving DS anyway.

If you are able to take our DS on the alternate weeks at all that would be great and would save DH a trip.

Also - happy to take your DD on the days that we are taking your DS but they will definitely both need to be ready at 08.10.

Let me know what you think.

Coolter

sillysmiles · 03/09/2021 13:46

If is is you DH that is doing the driving - how does he feel about giving her a lift? Does he care?

Cuddlemonsters · 03/09/2021 13:54

@Coolter272

If it’s long walk she’s going “tag along” anyway or is she supposed walk 200meters behind? Long as everyone aware you tell them night before if making their own way so can leave earlier. Don’t be mean! They have all day together to chat

Do siblings walk to secondary school together? My brother is 18 months older than me and we wouldn't ever have considered doing that. He went with his mates, I went with mine. Our paths never crossed.

DS and his friend aren't in any classes together so they only see eachother during morning break. They don't have all day together to chat.

My niece and nephew always walk together. I think that’s pretty normal especially when one is in year seven and just starting out.
HarrisMcCoo · 03/09/2021 13:56

@Ragruggers

You say there is a school bus.Problem solved all have a bus pass or walk.
Exactly. Why complicate matters. Let them get on with it🤷
FrostedFlakesAreMyJam · 03/09/2021 14:02

@Timeforabiscuit

Sometimes I wonder if there are two tribes on mumsnet, one that is nothing but a pollyanna like world and then the one where I live- why on earth would you pick up two extra people who aren't you're responsibility to be fucking nice?!?

Nice can sod off and take a drop kick, your taking the eldest as their mates - would you do it for anything else?

I had exactly the same thought just the opposite way around: there are 'normal' people, (i.e. everyone I know, who would never consider this an issue - but then I also don't know anyone who gets annoyed at celebrating a birthday, giving a lift to a work colleague or answering their own front door) and some weird MN universe only group who complain about how everyone bullies them and no one speaks to them at school gates and they have no real life friends, but cannot possibly imagine ever doing anything that's remotely inconvenient to them for someone else...
Xiaoxiong · 03/09/2021 14:04

No GreenBiro I think that gives too much opportunity for the other mum to say "ok you take them every other week as DH is making the trip anyway but we can't do the other week, sorry"

I think you should say (in response to the request to pick up the daughter as well):

"Actually had been meaning to speak to you about this - it's getting too much for DH to take all the kids daily every week, can we move to alternate weeks each, picking up at 8.10am? Let me know if that works for you. Can you do next week, he'll do the week after and so on?"

zingally · 03/09/2021 14:17

I'd agree, in theory, but I'd also say that the kids have to come round yours for "leaving time", rather than you having to stop to pick them up. Their parents should also be contributing some petrol money.

We used to have a thing with a friend of mine at that age. She lived about 5 minutes walk away, but was always late. It reached a point that if she arrived when we were leaving, fair enough, she could have a lift. If she wasn't there - tough shit - we went without her.

BorderlineHappy · 03/09/2021 14:18

I cannot imagine a world in which you would pick up your son's friend and leave his one year younger sibling to walk.

Who does that ?
@FinallyHere they have parents that drive.
It's not the OP's responsible to get the girl to school.

The other DM is a cf.
She can get off her arse and bring her herself.Or at least offer to share the load.

But she's got so used to not bringing them to school she thinks she's lady muck.

Bookworm20 · 03/09/2021 14:21

You just seem to be coming up with really odd excuses. if you don't want to take her, don't. That simple.

But stop giving the brother a lift too, because quite honestly if you're picking him up how on earth is it 'more responsibility' for your DH to pick up another child at the exact same address and drop them all at the exact same place?

What you really mean is that your ds enjoys the time in the car with his mate, but the boys don't want the sister there (you put it as 'changing the dynamic'). So you're willing to let 2 12 year olds dictate that an 11 year old girl walk on her own (as her brother is currently 'in use' chatting with your ds), just so that you don't upset the apple cart with the boys?
Shocking.

Obviously not your responsibility to get either child to school, but 'changing the dynamic' seems a pretty messed up reason to leave one of them out.

You admitted you only picked this child up because it was good for DS to have a friend to chat with on way to school, and you went right past his street, so was no bother. In fact it was a benefit to you to take this other child. If your DH doesn't want to be 'ferrying the kids' about all the time, then fine. But if he's ferrying yours and its not been a problem before the only reason that it can be down to is that your ds simply doesn't like it.
Nice.

Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 14:24

FrostedFlakesAreMyJam I've actually spent my whole adult life going out of my way to be kind, do the right thing, think of others etc I've just turned 40 and I've actually had enough. I've come to learn that very few people would do the same to me. I have a lot of caring commitments day to day for my immediate loved ones and I will do it for them with question but I'm finally starting to wise up to life's users.

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Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 14:26

Bookworm20 nope.

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