Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

[Coolter272]

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

And if DH is going that way to work anyway, how is it more environmentally friendly to have one man in a car instead of four occupants, while three children walk to school? It might be better for their health but it isn't better for the environment.

I would pick her up as well as long as the arrangement can be flexible so that if DH isn't available none of the DC are stranded.

Can't understand why it's such a hardship for him when he's going that way anyway and already taking one. So weird to now be annoyed about an arrangement YOU started because it suited you in the first place!
Sounds like there is a bus ride included in this school journey, so I bet the older brother is supposed to keep an eye on his sister. Maybe the mum doesn't like HER travelling alone. Maybe something happed to the little girl and she's not comfortable going alone, without her brother, who is oy getting a lift with your ds because it made him feel better. Which is completely understandable, but now the mum is left yo sort something for her daughter.

Another secondary aged child in the car does not "make the responsibility bigger". She's not a toddler.

I would guess that the posters saying that surely this isn’t a problem have never been in this situation.

Having experienced CF ery of the highest order I would do nothing that turns into a regular arrangement eg asking her to pay or take turns.

In your situation my priority would be protecting my DSs friendship whilst ensuring the lifts are a casual thing. Talk to your DS about starting to walk to school. Tell the mum that you haven’t decided what your doing re taking DS to school but some days he will be driven. In this situation I would take the friend and the sister - as long as they are not ready to go immediately. If you set the scene that there isn’t a pattern or a commitment she will have to look at other options. I think you just need to make it clear that this is a casual thing as and when it works for you and your DH.

The other Mum is probably ok with both of her kids making their own way to school (together); but op is throwing a spanner in the works giving one of them a lift? 🤷🏻‍♀️
So, both or none.

I'd say that if she's there on time she can hop in the car, you're not going to be waiting round or anything if she's not there. Tell the other mum straight that you don't want to get into a formal arrangement and to be relied on.

Also that you're encouraging DS to start walking again after his experience so hopefully lifts will be phased out by end of the year (obviously this doesn't have to be true, but gives the whole shebang a convenient expiry date).

@Coolter272

If it’s long walk she’s going “tag along” anyway or is she supposed walk 200meters behind? Long as everyone aware you tell them night before if making their own way so can leave earlier. Don’t be mean! They have all day together to chat

Do siblings walk to secondary school together? My brother is 18 months older than me and we wouldn't ever have considered doing that. He went with his mates, I went with mine. Our paths never crossed.

DS and his friend aren't in any classes together so they only see eachother during morning break. They don't have all day together to chat.

Of course I would give the sister a lift but I just wouldn't want to get tied down to a formal arrangement.

I think the lifts should be shared 50:50 and the mum should told to speak to her son about saying thank you. That's really awful.

I've been in exactly this situation and it can become very annoying. I'm with you, OP. You start with a casual , occasional lift and then as time goes on, you find yourself as the regular chauffeur while the other mother chills out at home.

Many times I've ended up fuming because I'm sitting outside the friend's house waiting for kids who are taking too long to come out - whoops he can't find his gym shoes so I'm the bunny who has to wait. Or my kid is sick and not going, so when I tell the other mother she groans as if I'm making an excuse. Or I'm filling up my car and thinking that the other mum should have given me petrol money . You end up with a permanent feeling of resentment .

I'd nip it in the bud. The two boys are able to walk to school - your DS won't be walking alone. And the sister can tag along or catch the bus or whatever . Don't start doing this ....you'll end up writing to MN asking how to extricate yourself from being the local school run driver . Good luck !

I would just take ds to school and tell the mother than it was a casual arrangement for next year and she needs to take her own kids to school this year.

I had someone do this to us, so we said fine, I will take you collect in the afternoon.
It worked really well, and we did the no knocking children ready to go and they come outside the second I arrive.
BUT if you don't want to commit to it, then tell her.
Say your DH wants to ween your son off lifts and so isn't willing to become transport for the DD.

Just have them all walk. DS had rides all last year. It's time for him to go back to walking with the other children. I hope he's learned how to defend himself better. You can't baby him forever.

Now is the perfect time for your son to go back to walking to school

Regardless what happened, you can’t baby him indefinitely

I understand your concerns, OP. Can't you have a proper conversation with your friend about it?

It's a bit off if she doesn't say thanks for the lifts and it may not mean more petrol money for you but could be saving her some time, hassle, money so you expect maybe the occasional thanks.

What happens if your DS if off school? Do you have to phone her first thing?

I completely understand your reluctance OP. Ignore the posters who think it’s no big deal. You’re obviously someone who takes commitments and responsibilities seriously, so thinks carefully before agreeing to them.
When you agree to something like this, it does add to your daily mental load. All decisions involving the school run then have to be made in communication with this other family. If your DS is ill, or your DH has a day off - you immediately have to think of this other family, and you have to tell them, while no doubt worrying about what they’ll do instead etc.
Also, the lack of thanks and petrol money would start to irritate me, and I’d feel resentful.
I suggest you say that yes OK, on the days DH takes DS, you can take both the other kids too. But explain that you’re working on your DS walking to school again, and also DH’s job might be changing, so you don’t want to commit to a definite regular lift. It’s then up to the mum what she does.

@EIIa

Now is the perfect time for your son to go back to walking to school

Regardless what happened, you can’t baby him indefinitely

Jesus Christ, you do realise this is a 12 year old who was beaten up a few months ago don’t you? Not a 17 year old who tripped on a kerb while walking once!

Oh god this place makes me feel ill sometimes. Now told I can't 'baby him forever'. Fuck me. He's just turned 12, he was 11 when it happened. He needed hospital treatment, he had to give statements to the police. He was back in school the next day while the boy who did it skived off for a week. He walks home from school, he walks the last 15 minutes but doesn't want to walk past the boys street and I'm 'babying' him. He had no chance to defend himself, this lad is twice his size and jumped him from behind. Some of these replies are an absolute disgrace.

You seem to be coming up with excuse after excuse as to why you shouldn't pick her up. Some of these seem almost ridiculous. You don't want her tagging along with her own brother and his friend? Surely that is for them to manage that dynamic. Perhaps your DS would learn something from her/enjoy her company. You don't care if it's unsafe for her to walk alone because it's not your problem? That's pretty harsh. Surely society works better and is safer when everyone helps look out for each other. Fair enough if you don't want an informal arrangement to turn into an expectation, but that is a different issue and one that can be managed with an adult conversation with the parents about it being a potentially temporary arrangement until your son regains his confidence and dependant upon DH's shifts. If you are taking your son anyway, and going past their house, I would suggest that car pooling would be an environmentally and socially good option. If you want them to take turns, then ask them. But making up more and more excuses as to why you should leave the sister behind seems petty.

unlikelytobe yeh I will have a chat to her about it.

Bagamoyo1 thankyou that's exactly right.

Just ask the Mum if you can set up a rota system rather than your DH do every run.

I don't understand the hard time you're getting OP, sorry about what happened to your DS it sounds awful.

I completely understand where you're coming from. If I was the other mum I may have asked if my daughter could tag along but offered to alternate weeks/have set days divvied up or something. Or at least petrol money.

I get why you're annoyed. Getting two kids into a car is different than getting three kids into a car. One kid is always slower than another, forgetting a sweater here, a lunchbag there. You're becoming their family's somehow official driver instead of a friend. I wouldn't like it either.

Your allowed to say NO.
You do not have to explain.
Do not force this on your husband.

Hugoslavia there's 1500 kids in that school. I don't actually have the energy to concern myself with how safe they all are getting there. If she had a specific problem like my DS did then I'd be more than happy to step up and help in any way I could but until that happens then once again, no she's not my responsibility. If her parents have any concerns over her safety they can drive her to school, walk her there, ensure their DS walks with her or accompany her on the bus.