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Original poster

Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

416 replies

Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 08:36

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 03/09/2021 11:04

You say there is a school bus.Problem solved all have a bus pass or walk.

ThisOldSaddo · 03/09/2021 11:04

@Coolter272

This place is truly an alternate universe sometimes!

thoughtso we've been giving this friend daily lifts never had an offer back in return, never had an offer of petrol money, the friend actually doesn't even say thankyou (that's another thread). The mum is at home in her pjs. DH is doing this before he starts his long shifts. The mum then asks if we can start giving the sister a lift too and we're the ones with poor values?! We're the ones in the wrong for being reluctant to commit to it?!! You don't know me so to ask me to please not teach my DS my values is a horrible thing to say. You have no idea of the commitments and caring responsibilities I have in my life and of what I do for my loved ones on a daily basis.

Don't give those salty replies any air/space in your head OP. This place really is like an alternate universe, but there are gems amongst the mental, snippy replies - they need to take their ire out somewhere...so let them do it here.

You are being entirely reasonable. Good luck!

Bryonyshcmyony · 03/09/2021 11:07

@Coolter272 getting tied into an arrangement like this would be my idea of hell. I totally get where you are coming from

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Lena264 · 03/09/2021 11:07

Seriously if you are already taking the boy what problem do you have taking his little sister. What kind of Problem do you have. Either take both or none of them. That is mean and unfair.
If a mother would ask me I would not even think about it for one minute.

Those kids have the whole day to chat. I do not understand your problem, honestly

I could even understand if the mother does not allow the son to ride with you anymore if the girls is left standing on the curb.

EvilPea · 03/09/2021 11:08

I ended up in a similar situation, luckily covid stepped in and I used that as an excuse to stop it.
It’s ok occasionally and it’s even ok the majority. But not the expectation, the lack of reciprocation or the lack of gratitude (from child and mum). I ended up twice a day with this surly grumpy kid in my car, they didn’t want to be there, I was literally an unpaid taxi who drove in silence whilst they ignored my kids attempts to chat and played on their phone.
I did have to literally spell it out to mum. I tried some of the hinting nicer texts above, they were ignored, so it did get a bit awkward.

Good luck, it’s tricky. I think I’d say I would do it to start with and occasionally but your going to push ds to walk this year so it’s not long term and things may change at short notice.

Notaroadrunner · 03/09/2021 11:09

@Coolter272

SleepingStandingUp DH would obviously not do that!!

Just to clarify we would never pick up one child and not the other!

As I said, it feels like a casual arrangement between DS and his mate has now turned into a commitment to provide transport for these 2 kids.

I understand your issue. You don't want to commit to being responsible for getting them to school.

I'd text back 'We are happy to give a lift on the days that Dh can bring Ds. However that won't be everyday as Ds can walk some days. It would be best if you don't rely on Dh being available and therefore organise an alternative lift for the kids'

FinallyHere · 03/09/2021 11:09

I cannot imagine a world in which you would pick up your son's friend and leave his one year younger sibling to walk.

Who does that ?

Seemssounfair · 03/09/2021 11:11

@Coolter272

Seemssounfair oh fuck off! I'm not precious or controlling. My son was beaten up and finds the car ride with his mate a nice distraction that's all. It works both ways. His mate gets a lift every morning, the mum doesn't need to pay for a bus, for petrol or get up and dressed early and DS goes to school feeling a little bit safer.
Of course the other mother gets a benefit, but that is not WHY you are giving him a lift. You are only doing it as a crutch and for the benefit of your son not to be kind.

So either stop giving them a lift if you don't want to, or be honest and tell the other mum you can't give the sibling a lift as it doesn't fit your agenda.

Bryonyshcmyony · 03/09/2021 11:11

@FinallyHere

I cannot imagine a world in which you would pick up your son's friend and leave his one year younger sibling to walk.

Who does that ?

Someone who is wary about this becoming a permanent arrangement for the other family
Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 11:11

ThisOldSaddo thankyou, I needed that reminder! I appreciate all the decent replies I've had, they have helped. I'm going to speak again with DH tonight, he's the one doing all this and i know he doesn't particularly want to be lumped chauffeuring these kids about every morning.

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 03/09/2021 11:11

I understand not wanting to be drawn into a long term commitment but i would be clear with the mum that you'd do it on the days it suited but couldnt commit to a longer term arrangment,
The down side for you, is there is no way the mom will let you pick up her son and her daughter walk on her own so she will either a) make them both walk together or b} drive them and you son doesnt have the distraction of a friend on the drive.
I suppose you need to decide what's more important to you.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/09/2021 11:14

What o don't get op is why he's happy chauffeuring the kids about every morning but not if there's one more child? Like that suddenly makes it a bigger task. Ok if she was 5 but she's 11/12.

I'd tell the other Mom you can do it as you do now - if Dad os going that was but as always, you can't guarantee it and would appreciate being able to rely on her to reciprocate the lift if needed as you do atm

Etinox · 03/09/2021 11:14

@Quartz2208

I think the sister being added has simply made you realise how unhappy you are with the current arrangement with the friend and the expectation she has placed on you
I think so too.
Odisia · 03/09/2021 11:15

Given your husband doesn't want to do it then just tell the mother that he can't take her children. Your DH can drop your son off if he wants or he can walk with his friend.

To say you'll take the boy but not his sister is just mean.

Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 11:18

Crazycrazylady yeh thats true. DS doesn't have to have his mate there, it's a nice distraction but he's got other friends he could meet closer to school for the walk and DH and him enjoy a natter and a laugh on the car ride too. It's just an arrangement that's worked well for everyone up until now but taking the sister aswell has now made the responsibility bigger and I dont think that's fair on DH.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/09/2021 11:18

@littlefireseverywhere

I totally get what you mean, it would change the dynamic. Also lets say your DH has a week off, or is ill, or needs to be in earlier therefore he won't be picking up the boys. Do you now need to inform the parent? All a bit full on I'd say.

I might be tempted to say, no that doesn't work for me!

"Hi Mary its Jane. Bob is off work next week so won't be doing school runs. Let me know if Joel van grab a lift with you and the kids otherwise he'll be leaving here at 8 to walk in"

Yeah. So full on 🙄

BeachDrifting · 03/09/2021 11:19

I would but I'd set out the expectation now. I'd want some quid pro quo. I'd say "sure that's fine as we're friends but if DH shifts do change we might have to stop at last minute or if our DS is sick then we won't drive to school unless he is with us. Just so you're aware that this is a favour and not an expectation. I think just so we don't start to feel resentful and its all aired now, can you offer some babysitting in return for this? Have DS for a sleepover on a Saturday night once a month so we can get a night out? Cheers"

FinallyHere · 03/09/2021 11:19

@Bryonyshcmyony

Someone who is wary about this becoming a permanent arrangement for the other family

Fair enough. I would say the options were to take both or neither. Taking one without the other doesn't really seem right.

EmbarrassingMama · 03/09/2021 11:20

It can't be far if they can walk it. How awkward do you expect the car dynamic to be for a 10 minute drive?!

Bananarama21 · 03/09/2021 11:21

Christ your hardwork your dh is taking your ds anywhere hair friend is in the next street and you cannot take his sister, its not putting your dh out by no means, how far is in the school in the car? If its 5-10 minutes why would they give you petrol for a small trip your already making. I assume they would walk together if your ds would walk.

Rosemarytea · 03/09/2021 11:21

Can you not tell the other mother that you as a a family have decided to turn over a new leaf for the new academic year and say that everyone will be walking to school at least for the first few weeks as it looks like it will be warm and sunny?

To promote fitness, appreciate the local area, reduce pollution etc? Or to be a bit sneaky say that DH is concerned about Covid spread and so doesnt want too many people in car?

Do you have scope to walk with them for the first few days just to help with building confidence? The sister can then either walk along with you or make her own way to school

Say you will keep it under review and that ad hoc there will be lifts available but not routinely

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2021 11:22

Change the dynamic in the car? wtf it's a lift to school not a boys night out Grin

HarebrightCedarmoon · 03/09/2021 11:23

I don't really see the problem unless you have a car with only three seats. I used to get lifts with friends to school and my parents were good at picking us up and dropping everyone off when we went out in the evening. No-one ever thought of charging anyone petrol money.

Bananarama21 · 03/09/2021 11:25

I imagine this boy has been a decent friend to your son given what happened to your child and have supported him through a difficult time have you considered some self defence classes for your son to help with confidence?

Winemewhynot · 03/09/2021 11:25

I think the mum is cheeky to ask for the daughter to join rather than offering to do some of the runs too but agree if you’re taking one sibling you should that the other.

I think it’s time to wrap up this arrangement though, it sounds like you’re not happy with the way it’s going.

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