Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

[Coolter272]

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

I don't think it matters if you are driving that way anyway. As for the "dynamic in the car" how far is the actual journey? it can't be that long if they could actually walk, but it's a long way (thinking 45 minutes sort of walk) so a few minutes in the car? I think they can cope with a changed dynamic for that length of time! People do like to overthink things.

My concern would be more the fact that there is a 15 minute walk at the other end. Is the brother happy to take responsibility for his sister getting to school or is he going to moan, and is your DH going to end up having to go out of his way to drop them closer?

Isn't it awkward. My friend did this for four years, every day without fail in all weathers. On the 'friend's' 16th birthday her daughter wasn't invited, the mother lied about them having a party, she caught them out because she dropped off a gift.

I'd phone the mother and say you need to talk about it.

Do you get any type of thanks or appreciation from the parents or the child? Do you think this would make a difference to how you feel about this request?

I think if you know someone genuinely appreciates your efforts, you're much more inclined to not mind helping out, but if they don't even acknowledge with a thanks, that is being entitled and would put my nose out of joint.

Do you think this could be it?

@Coolter272

FrostedFlakesAreMyJam I've actually spent my whole adult life going out of my way to be kind, do the right thing, think of others etc I've just turned 40 and I've actually had enough. I've come to learn that very few people would do the same to me. I have a lot of caring commitments day to day for my immediate loved ones and I will do it for them with question but I'm finally starting to wise up to life's users.

Yup, me too.

All these "Be Kind" posts to the DD.
Where's the kindness to @Coolter272 and her dh.
Or is kindness a one way street.

@Coolter272

Bookworm20 nope.

Nope to what? I think Bookworm's post was spot on.

I'm actually flabbergasted at some of the responses here OP!

For what it's worth, I'm with you on this one. I think it's CF behaviour from the parents to expect and ask for their daughter to get a lift when they don't help out with the school run themselves.

I have no sensible suggestions as to how to get out of it though - but just wanted to let you know that you are not BU in the slightest!!

@Coolter272

FrostedFlakesAreMyJam I've actually spent my whole adult life going out of my way to be kind, do the right thing, think of others etc I've just turned 40 and I've actually had enough. I've come to learn that very few people would do the same to me. I have a lot of caring commitments day to day for my immediate loved ones and I will do it for them with question but I'm finally starting to wise up to life's users.

I agree OP - I'm the same but it took me until I turned 50, well done for doing it 10 years earlier than I did. Be prepared for others to push back when you're not so helpful as you used to be.

Good luck in sorting out your situation, FWIW I understand where you're coming from but I think a chat with your pal is probably the best way forward for everyone.

Bloody hell, there are some loopy people on here! I often thing that the “be kind” mantra is only touted by those not affected by the particular situation and wouldn’t do the same if it was them.

OP, I think texting the mum and asking to share the lifts is definitely the way to go - she is still getting the best deal.

Window1 there's definitely an element of that yes and I dont need masses of appreciation but just something would be nice, a sincere thankyou, an offer of fuel money (which I would never actually take) just something but that's only a part of it.

ILoveFlumps thankyou.

I have only read your posts op
I think their might be some other batshittery I would rather avoid.

I would personally say to your friend. Last year was v informal, so this year why don’t we make some concrete arrangements, it makes it easier for everyone. DH will take them mon - tues and you can take them wed- thur and we can all make our separate arrangements on Friday.
Does that suit, lots of love OP

You can’t not take her and take the other So therefore The dynamic of taking the two lads just as mates is gone now, there is no going back from that. so you either go for sharing or just doing your own thing.
But all in writing

I don't think sharing lifts makes sense if DH is only picking up the other boy because it's en route to school anyway?

I would just knock the whole thing on the head tbh. You don't need to be responsible for getting a whole other household of children to and from school on time every day.

NotSorry it's a horrible realisation to look back at your life and see clearly that you've spent a large portion of it being mugged off by people that just wouldn't lift a finger to help you in return.

There's a fine line between being kind and being taken advantage of.

I think the only way forward is to knock the whole thing on the head. We're only in year 8, I can't be doing with it for another 5 years. I also don't think it's fair to start an arrangement knowing we don't want to commit to it. Better to just say no from the start. If DS friend asks for lifts as the year goes on then that's fine but I really don't want to make a formal arrangement with the mum.

@Coolter272

NotSorry it's a horrible realisation to look back at your life and see clearly that you've spent a large portion of it being mugged off by people that just wouldn't lift a finger to help you in return.

There's a fine line between being kind and being taken advantage of.

I agree and what I am sad about now is that I am often reluctant to help people when before I would have done things without hesitation. Other people "using me" has meant that I think twice before I do anything for anyone now and I don't want to be like that. Not sure of the answer really.

You're hardly going to be giving any of them lifts for the next five years, op. You said earlier your own son was walking last year.

I've got to log off now. I'm recovering from minor surgery and this thread has actually made the day go a bit quicker but I've got to get out of bed for a bit now.

Thanks for all the replies, even the bat shit ones, they gave me a laugh if nothing else.

NotSorry definitely, life makes you harder sadly but I think it's an important lesson to learn.

@Coolter272

I think the only way forward is to knock the whole thing on the head. We're only in year 8, I can't be doing with it for another 5 years. I also don't think it's fair to start an arrangement knowing we don't want to commit to it. Better to just say no from the start. If DS friend asks for lifts as the year goes on then that's fine but I really don't want to make a formal arrangement with the mum.

I think you're doing absolutely the right thing

There are too many variables and this could all go tits up very easily (sick kids, sick adults, isolation, dr appointments, late starts, kids fall out etc etc)

@Coolter272

I think the only way forward is to knock the whole thing on the head. We're only in year 8, I can't be doing with it for another 5 years. I also don't think it's fair to start an arrangement knowing we don't want to commit to it. Better to just say no from the start. If DS friend asks for lifts as the year goes on then that's fine but I really don't want to make a formal arrangement with the mum.

Yep agreed. Plus you son can always still meet his mate at the 15 min point they walk from. The other mum can drop both her kids there.

It's not nice to feel something is taken for granted, imo. So had they approached it differently or indeed shown a small bit of appreciation, that might have made a difference.
I would be suggesting as has been said upthread, sharing, so that they are doing half and half. Or as you have said, knock the whole thing on the head. It's as good a time as any to do so.

@Coolter272

FrostedFlakesAreMyJam I've actually spent my whole adult life going out of my way to be kind, do the right thing, think of others etc I've just turned 40 and I've actually had enough. I've come to learn that very few people would do the same to me. I have a lot of caring commitments day to day for my immediate loved ones and I will do it for them with question but I'm finally starting to wise up to life's users.

Maybe I have just gotten lucky so far, but I don't feel used by anyone, neither am I using anyone. Yes, at times the balance may shift towards one person receiving more than they are getting but overall it all evens out.

For example I am good friends with most of my neighbours (use the word loosely - I am referring to people living in the general area). We have each other over for dinner and drinks, if one of us bakes we always bring stuff to a neighbour or two, if someone has excess in their allotment we bring it around. If I go to the shops after work I check if my next door neighbour needs me to pick anything up for her. Another neighbour kindly did a bunch of DIY work in my house and lend me their tools for other bits I needed to do. I have done last minute emergency babysitting many times. When my pet got ill in the middle of the night and I didn't have a car I called a neighbour at 2am and she was over here in her car within five minutes and drove us to the vet. A friend of a friend was in hospital and I visited most days and brought magazines, food, etc. Not because I am getting anything out of that, neither is it because they are a 'CF' (as per MN lingo), but it's a nice thing to do. What goes around comes around and all that...

Sorry long ramble not totally pertinent to your situation. Of course not wanting to go give lifts is completely valid and does not make you awful. My response is just at the general hyperbolic MN response of suggesting no one should ever ever put themselves out in any way whatsoever.

I would ask them what days are good for them to drop the children off so you can organise timing for getting to work.

Well that's good then. You've come to a decision which I think is fair enough. You don't want the commitment going forward (and actually neither would I especially as there was no reciprocal offer) and you have seen how your friend has gradually been reducing her own school runs over time.

Best to just not get into something that then creates any friction. And however close to your house it would still add unnecessary minutes onto DH's morning commute/school run. He wasn't that keen either and he was the one who would be doing it going forward. The fact that your friend had not offered up any of her own time really did set it off on a bad footing, coupled with the fact she has already reduced her own school drop offs.

Just best out of it all round and you've made that decision. Now you just need to tell her and say that mornings are just too frantic and you think it best that both families make their own arrangements going forward.

What share of taking-to/from-school does the friend's mum contribute?