For those with high achievers - how (honesty please!)

[1AngelicFruitCake]

As the title! Inspired by the thread about why people don’t confess to tutoring their children. If your child is in the ‘exceeding/above expectations’ range then what is it you do at home to help?

I did absolutely nothing beyond homework and encouraged general knowledge. He wasn’t a reader until secondary school but once he did start to read I made sure he had books.

Like a PP I was a high achiever at school, 9 As/A*s, minimal effort and had literally zero input from my family or home life (not in a neglectful way - I was an early 90s latchkey kid as they worked long hours). No siblings at home. I did however, always have my head in a book, still do much of the time, out of passion for reading rather than because it was homework. Can't ever actually remember doing any homework until years 9+.

Talked to them all the time. Always had books around. going round the supermarket I would take a book for them to amuse themselves with. Spoke to them like they could understand from an early age. Read to them every night. not just reading but putting on the voices of the characters and asking questions all the time. "where's the butterfly can you see it. what colour is it oh blue and there is just one etc"

It's far from simple, which is why it is easy to fall back on focusing on helping children to get good exam results.

But good exam results give choices, opportunities . Choices and opportunities to do as you please career wise. It’s the foundation stone for the rest of their lives. Sure lots of people are happy or successful without and lots of people are miserable and not progressing with good results, but it is a foundation stone for many.

Then other factors come into play, confidence, kindness, determination, drive, ambition, self believe, warmth etc. Those things play a part in success. And success can be determined many ways.

Hot housing kids can achieve good exam results, but unless much of it comes to them naturally and they have the other skills, then uni and career becayse thay much harder.

Nothing. My DC has predicted grades of A*s in every subject at GCSE and they are only in year 8!!!

Apparently, the school use SATS and a mixture of in house tests scores, teacher observations, class work and even the odd CAT score to give each pupil an expected grade. Obviously they may not but the teacher thinks they’re capable and their results would agree.

It’s some ‘flight path’ that children in previous years have followed from yr7-yr-11 so the school predict what your child will get.

My DC was bored shitless in lockdown and completed the basics. They were sick of having to go over and over the same stuff. The teacher even gave them a shit score for effort but still and predicted gate of an A* as they know that DC is very able.

This is the problem with class bubbles etc…. But it prevents ability groups so you have a mixed ability class and the those at the lower and higher end both suffer. Thank god the school have now put them in to sets!!

To add, my dd has had no private tuition and still passed the grammar school test but decided they didn’t want to go….

@BigSandyBalls2015

I’ve often wondered if you’re very bright, top unis, great jobs etc, if it’s a shock to have DC that struggle?

Long-term foster children, rather than bio - which I accept is different because you don't feel genetically responsible, but...

DH and I are both high achievers, academically and professionally, but that comes at a cost. We wanted DDs to feel a sense of purpose in whatever they did as adults, and to be able to afford a reasonable lifestyle. Beyond that, we were not bothered at all if they followed us into 'high-achieving' jobs.

To add- it’s just natural ability. DC doesn’t ever really read these days and I don’t force them. Yes you can tutor children but some DC just have a natural ability. I take no credit.

Choose an intelligent father! Lots of books and reading conversation etc. Though I am not one to advise we are lop sided both of ours now at secondary top of their respective years in English - maths not so much…

I'm sure genetics plays a part but it is difficult to separate what is innate from the tiny actions we do every day that we learned from our parents. Because we learned then when we were little we don't always remember our notice that we do it. I think it's really important not to put too much onus on genes because doing so implies pedagogy is redundant.

Agree that academic success does not always result in happiness - but I can't see any down side to developing a love of learning (not necessarily the same thing as success in it).

Nothing. And I truly believe it's nature not nurture. One DT is exceeding across the board, the other only in a couple of areas. They're very late summer born (29th August birthdays) and are in an 'old' class, but that's it. The higher achieving twin hates reading, the other reads constantly.

I'm sorry, I can't provide a source for it, but I'm sure I remember being told by an Educational Psychologist that it was the mother's educational attainment that was more determinative of a child's educational abilities and attainment.

@mbosnz

I'm sorry, I can't provide a source for it, but I'm sure I remember being told by an Educational Psychologist that it was the mother's educational attainment that was more determinative of a child's educational abilities and attainment.

That’s interesting because I left school early and only went to further and higher education once my kids were older.

I have one (he's a young adult now) and I can honestly say it's bugger all to do with me or his dad - we've never tutored or anything, just encouraged him to do his best and been supportive.

When he was primary age it was clear he was fairly bright but he wasn't a particularly hard worker. In high school they had a gifted and talented group and he wasn't even in it, and when he got to 14 he announced to me that he was planning to knuckle down and work harder, as he thought he might like to go to uni (his sibling had just gone).

He finished up with a big bundle of A stars that surprised me, his teachers and I think even himself. He didn't take his foot off the gas when he was in 6th form either and got all A stars at A level. This continued through uni where he's achieved really high scores (the highest on his course) and won awards. He's amazing at what he does and I'm really proud but it's 100% down to him.

I meant to add - he never enjoyed reading much as a child but would read non fiction (books about outer space/dinosaurs etc) at a push - even now when he reads he doesn't read fiction books.

@OchonAgusOchonOh

Genes are the biggest contributor I think. Both dh and I have fairly high IQs. Both of us are hard working.

Environment is also important. Living in a home where hard work and intellectual curiosity is admired helps. Access to books. Reading to them when they are young and engaging with them on an intellectual level - so conversations about things that interest them, cultural activities and discussions about them etc.

How do you you know you have high IQ’s out of curiosity?

Reading loads. No TV (I didn’t own one before I had my DS so this isn’t deliberate as such). Talking to him loads. Probably also inherited IQ as well as I have always been classed as very bright (no idea on my IQ and I’m no Einstein but I’m probably closer to Mensa than most, although I don’t personally think I’m bright enough for Mensa).

Our DC is very clever. She did her GCSE maths a year early and got an A.
13 A* and a B in GCSE a year later.
She is now at university dioing a maths degree.
She will fuck it up because she is lazy

@mbosnz

I'm sorry, I can't provide a source for it, but I'm sure I remember being told by an Educational Psychologist that it was the mother's educational attainment that was more determinative of a child's educational abilities and attainment.

Christ, I’m glad DD doesn’t take after me! I done rubbing at school. Went on to uni years late and gained a 2:1 degree but I’m by no means clever. I had to work really hard.

With DC, everything just clicks so naturally. Never in a million years would I have got an A* in any subject- no matter how hard I worked, never mind ok every subject.

I was very very average at best….

every subject

With these high achieving kids though - it is important to teach them how to fail.

They have to learn that when they fail the sky doesn't fall in. Almost worth finding things for them to fail at. Then they won't be scared of it. By failing, you learn. There is a danger that if you are always good at everything you try, the thought of failure can be overwhelming.

To fail teaches you how to persevere. Or ideed to realise that you could be barking up the wrong tree!

I got 4 A grades at A-Level and went to Oxford. My mum and dad did literally nothing with me. It was always expected that I would get good grades and I did. Nothing they did contributed to that. They both left school with no qualifications and neither went to university.

Do everything you can but don't think it will make a great deal of difference one way or the other. Most people who do well are very self motivated or innately clever.

i don't know if you can force it TBH.
just one of mine is a high achiever. they have the same access to hundreds of books and all the other cliched middle class enrichment activities.

Judging by many of these replies, pot luck plays a major part in it.

A lot of us have admitted that it’s not because us (the parents) and it’s mainly down to nature.

Yes you get hot house parents who make their children sit for 2.5 hours each night doing homework/reading etc and send them to private tutors and that will certainly have an impact, but at what cost?! Because it’s not natural ability the child will often have to work so much harder than their naturally brighter peers, but the majority in here seem to not be in that situation.

It is so important that every person is taught that it is okay to fail. My eldest high achiever, she got this lesson early, when she didn't get a scholarship she thought was a shoe in, and then when she didn't get a permanent contract in a job she was in. But holy Hell, I worry what's going to happen if she doesn't get into the degree she wants to get into.

I do think it's a bit luck of the drawer- all my three have similar upbringings lots of toddler and baby groups, lots of stories, days out, music lessons, national trust etc etc but I have two high achievers and one who hates school and has no plans to continue with education after year 11. Ironically the cleverest is the one that I probably did the least with and the one I went back to work and spent most time in childcare , does the least clubs, has terrible screen time habits compared to other two at similar age etc
Also depending on age some kids are late bloomers and some switch off so it isn't always obvious who the high achievers are
I'm one of three and I'm average I would say , my sister is very high achieving and my brother scraped a few GCSEs and again all brought up in a similar way so I think parenting only does so much and kids are definitely overwhelmed at times with extra curricular stuff