For those with high achievers - how (honesty please!)

[1AngelicFruitCake]

As the title! Inspired by the thread about why people don’t confess to tutoring their children. If your child is in the ‘exceeding/above expectations’ range then what is it you do at home to help?

All the luck of the draw in my experience, and grades don’t indicate success in life.

I have a very academically clever mother and a not academic but highly astute father. I always got top grades, all the way through to post grad and was never tutored, but I had a lousy time at school . My brother is daft as a brush but had a wonderful time and is a nicer person than me!

My DH has two very clever parents. He was so-so most of the way through school, did work a bit harder on his A levels, went to Oxbridge, where he nearly got chucked out, and is now recognised as one of the best in his field.

We have 2 daughters. The eldest is right on the “meets expectations” line across everything, but has the most common sense I have ever experienced in a child. She is much admired for this quality by everyone. The youngest is at least a year ahead academically but a constant danger to her own safety and that of others. I know which one I find it easier to parent!

Don’t stress, find what they’re good at and what makes them happy. That’s how you achieve highly in the grand scheme of things. That’s my two pence worth, anyway.

I have 3 - all adults now and all with 1st class honours degrees and doctorates. Read to them as kids and took an interest in their interests but apart from that, it was really up to them. Don't think we hothoused them at all really

DD is high achieving, musically talented and very good with language. DS has additional needs, is not an academic high achiever but is sharp and perceptive in a different way. DH is very, very bright from a bright family (he, his siblings and both parents have Oxford degrees). DD in particular must have inherited some of this. I’m smart enough, but again in a different way. I do have a doctorate though, and I’ve modelled striving academically throughout their childhoods, because my doctorate was such hard work for me!

Both love to read, and to be read to, and we have always encouraged their interests, however leftfield. We have valued travel, cultural experiences and talk a lot. Not because it’s good for them, but because it’s what we enjoy.

While DD is the most conventionally high achieving of my two ( at 12, she’s learning Latin and Greek as she wants to study classics like her granny and daddy), I get the feeling that DS, who has more nous, and a nascent investment portfolio will surprise his doubters.

I don’t know. Ds1 is off to Oxford University next month from the local comp so definitely a high achiever. Both dses achieved grade 9’s in GCSE’s and went for stem A levels. Complete opposite of me who didn’t even pass GCSE maths!

My mum will say we always read to both dses a lot which is true, we encouraged reading and always had loads of non fiction books around which they did love. I don’t honestly think we did anything massively diffferent to anyone else though🤷‍♀️

I think it’s a fluke really. Neither DH or I are massively bright, both professional type jobs but nothing amazing and neither have a degree as such. I am a nurse but old school so have a diploma.

Our dses have always been to the local schools and always been encouraged in school, we’ve been lucky because the local schools are very average on paper.

I have a child like this.

DH and his siblings are high IQ achievers.

We haven’t done anything intentionally to make DC “bright”.

We do read loads, books everywhere. We do NT days out and museums etc.

Our conversation at home is probably more focused on science and maths as that’s the family interest.

Don’t know...I didn’t think DC were out of the ordinary until the school told me just how bright they were.

They've either got it or they haven't, honestly. Mainly genetics and personality, but reading and talking with them will help.

I just wondered what other parents did to tip the balance

Beyond the basics (security, stability, decent nutrition, love) -- I reckon it's mostly genetics. At least in early primary years.

(now adults) DD is an over-achiever & DS1 was a determined under-achiever by GCSE yrs. It's not like a good start in primary tells you how they will turn out later.

Made sure they ate well, slept well and got lots of excercise.
Maintained active relationships with their teachers and schools (always attended parents evenings) and took an interest in the curriculum .

We have a lot of books in our house; many acquired dirt cheap in charity shops/jumbles. Our kids grew up encouraged to read widely , seek more information on anything they were interested in, use a dictionary and index; acquire as many practical physical skills as possible .Skills build self reliance, and confidence in the ability to acquire new skills.

We never used tutors (with the exception of musical instruments).

Mine are very, very bright, it was a bit of a shock when the teachers started raving about the eldest as DP and I are extremely average. We don't do any academic pressure or tutoring, eldest was much lazier but still got all A* and 1 A at GCSE. We did talk to them a lot as children, DP was very good at answering questions properly, you'd be surprised how easily they just absorb stuff. And lots of books.

The stark difference in work ethic between them proves in my mind that some kids just learn more easily. She would just pick up a language by reading street signs and listening to foreign radio, then reading books and "thinking" in it. It's a bit surreal, but I'm more used to it now.

We really are incredibly lax on academic pressure as both work full time and trust them to just get on with it. Luckily they were both bright enough not to give us anything to worry about, so I would emphasise talking, answering questions and reading books as young as possible. My DM taught her to read before she started school and I always wonder if that could be the reason.

Also- SLEEP! It's so, so important for them to get as much sleep as possible through the primary years, it was one of the things we were strict on, as is so vital for brain development. In bed by 6:30 every night until they were at secondary. There were a few studies on this that pushed us to be firm about it, but obviously my sample size is only 2. I don't know if it made them clever or not, but it is very important for their development.

@cheeseismydownfall

I do think genetics plays a big part. Both DH and I are academic (straight A's, too universities etc). We assumed in consequence that the DC would be 'bright', and they all are. Academics generally comes easily to them all. We did read to them a lot, and I buy them a lot of books, but we are no cultural hot house.

My definition of high-achieving is much broader than academics though. I have failed to achieve my potential career-wise for a number of reasons (looking at you, imposter syndrome) and DH, although he has done very well in his profession, isn't blazing a trail. To me it is pretty clear that qualities such as motivation, tenacity, passion and resilience all play as a big a role (or bigger) in being a "high achiever" beyond education. Our DC's have a mixed bag of these qualities, and I try to help them develop themselves by giving them opportunities beyond academics to stretch themselves and have a sense of achievement. But it's much more ephemeral and I've no idea if it is really possible to make, for example, a cautious child more willing to take risks.

Then there is the question of whether "high achieving" is really the best goal for parents to have for their children anyway. Of course we all want out children to "be happy", but what can we do as parents to lay the foundations for a "happy life?" It's far from simple, which is why it is easy to fall back on focusing on helping children to get good exam results.

I wouldn't always bank on it, I know a family where both parents are Professors at the same uni, one in humanities, one in STEM, and they expected to have bright kids, but one is about average and one a real dud. They let him sit on his arse all day playing mindless games, he has no drive at school or hobbies, and is just generally a bit thick.

DH and I work or worked in academia. DH is a scientist and I worked in social sciences so have a broad base. Also both sporty. We did tutor DS.

We have a DS who was pretty lazy but very clever who loved sport. We also all play video games and have a bit of a laugh together.

For all those who say reading is important, what do you do about a bright child who doesn’t really like reading. He likes being read to but I feel reading to yourself must help with writing skills.

DS didn’t read books really until he was 11 or 12. Not for enjoyment. I just made sure there were books about and we did puzzles and general knowledge games and got him to read as much as I could in day to day life.

I think the top and bottom of it it is you can help and encourage them but generally, nature is the key factor in deciding how academic a child will be.

You can have super bright but lazy child and an average child with a strong work ethic and private tutor and they’ll probably attain similar grades.

Elvis a 6.30 bedtime til secondary?! Seriously?!

JS87 my son wouldn't read unless I made him. He's 10, happy to be read to, but lazy. I did a lot of research into what books might interest him, then I just made it a non-negotiable part of the day, like a meal time or a shower time. He has a timer, and on a non-school day will do two 30 minute sessions. Took a few goes to get comfortable with it, but I think he secretly enjoys it now. I just keep the books coming. Also got him an Audible account and let him listen as he goes to sleep.

@JS87

For all those who say reading is important, what do you do about a bright child who doesn’t really like reading. He likes being read to but I feel reading to yourself must help with writing skills.

Lots of books lying about the place like Ripleys Believe it or Not or Kids Encyclopaedia or books of maps or Calvin and Hobbes or 13 Storey Treehouse. All books that are super-accessible.

@madmomma

Elvis a 6.30 bedtime til secondary?! Seriously?!

😱

@madmomma

JS87 my son wouldn't read unless I made him. He's 10, happy to be read to, but lazy. I did a lot of research into what books might interest him, then I just made it a non-negotiable part of the day, like a meal time or a shower time. He has a timer, and on a non-school day will do two 30 minute sessions. Took a few goes to get comfortable with it, but I think he secretly enjoys it now. I just keep the books coming. Also got him an Audible account and let him listen as he goes to sleep.

Yes it’s also this sort of ‘secret’ I was hoping to find out! Admitting how you timetable in reading if it doesn’t come naturally!

What age do you notice they high achievers?
Interesting to hear about books, my children have loads I read too them each day, they read each evening ect.
They not at all competitive at sports and I feel it the same drive which would make them academic. So confused how reading and books is attributed to high achievers but I think my house they love reading as it relaxing

Yes we have tons of books but he just ignores them. He does like his favourites like DOWK, Tom gates, treehouse books but getting him to try other stuff is like getting blood out of a stone. He’s ten so hopefully as he grows up he will get into more books. We have loads of interesting non fiction books for him but he seems even less interested in those than fiction. Hey ho. I’ve read tons of books to him so at least his imagination is being fired.

@Hoppinggreen

Dd just got all 9s at GCSE and I can honestly say it was down to her. She was alert and curious from birth (and never bloody slept), she was always mentally very busy. We read to her a lot and talked to her about all sorts of things but she is just naturally very very clever. DS is different, very chilled and easy baby. Above average but lazy and does enough to get by. As far as MH goes he has a much easier ride though

Exactly the same as mine. You could be describing my #1 too. From birth she just stared at everything, taking it in. And while my friends' babies slept whole chinks of the day, mine was just awake, apart from maybe a twenty minute snooze after a feed. Mentally busy summed up her childhood, and she was constantly striving to do everything well. She was also good at every sport she tried, and competed nationally at one. All we did was support her generally. No tutoring or pushing. Just there when she needed us.

#2 also bright, but chilled and not into hard work, thank you.

#1 as an adult is a perfectionist who suffers from anxiety. She wishes that she hadn't been so clever, and could have failed at something when she was younger, so she could cope with not being perfect now.
I wish we'd seen that coming. We were just proud of her and her attitude when she was at school. It was only in her late teens/early 20s that the downside surfaced.

#2 is absolutely not a perfectionist, and way more chilled.

chinks? Chunks!

My ds is a top achiever. He's very very clever and I've not done anything to make him like this. He's just naturally like it. He loves researching things for himself and reads up on things that he's interested in.

@JS87

For all those who say reading is important, what do you do about a bright child who doesn’t really like reading. He likes being read to but I feel reading to yourself must help with writing skills.

My dd is the same!