For those with high achievers - how (honesty please!)

[1AngelicFruitCake]

As the title! Inspired by the thread about why people don’t confess to tutoring their children. If your child is in the ‘exceeding/above expectations’ range then what is it you do at home to help?

From tiny: houseful of books, talk to them loads, read loads, get down on the carpet and play board/word/puzzle games.

I definitely think saying “I don’t know” when it’s true is a good thing to model too, we can’t all know everything, admitting you lack knowledge in whatever they’ve asked isn’t a bad thing and will help with their self esteem. Self esteem is a big thing.

And no “if you don’t get 35 A*s at GCSE I will disown you” bollocks either.

Reading and board games when young, cooking together, eating together, making the beds and tidying up together, chatting over food or when having a sit down together, watching the news, walking the dog on the hills.

And then when one needed an extra grade in Chemistry, bootcamp tutor for a month... it worked.

Reading, talking, cultural days out, good sleep routines and more reading.

@RowanAlong I did all of that but the minute the teenage years and hormones kicked in it all counted for nothing sadly. I know I did everything I could while he was receptive to my input but after that it was all over.

@BeyondMyWits I’d have to call in a tutor for Chemistry, I don’t have the patience for it

Absolutely nothing now. One is a very high achiever and the other isn’t so much.

I read to them a lot when they were babies from day 1 and toddlers and before they could read. I also encouraged them to develop a love of reading themselves not letting them have a TV in their rooms until 15. When they were babies we also had songs and story books in the car for journeys. I also took them to look at various things and encouraged them to ask questions and had conversations at the table etc. We also went to childrens theatre occasionally and the Edinburgh Fringe in fhe summer. DS is just extremely motivated since the start of year 11. Also we didn’t reward GCSE results and we won’t be rewarding A level results with cash either.

We have 1 of 3 that's turned out like this.
The funny thing is the this child probably had less attention from us (think 3rd child being carted around for other DC's activities).
This DC is naturally interested in history, understands Maths so easily and has almost a photographic memory.
All three have had a very play based upbringing and always read every night and did their homework. It's been luck that one of them is more academic.

One high achiever so far and one who is just as bright but a bit lazy.

Reading lots, including audiobooks, interesting trips and museums, documentaries on things they enjoy. Board games.

Tbh much of it is a bit of a genetic lottery but you can help along the way.

Absolutely nothing. They’re naturally bright and enjoy school, but so was i / so did I. So I assume it’s inherited.

My parents did f all and my brother is very very intelligent, he's got a PHD. My parents are are academic themselves but we were tutored. I have a masters degree but had to work a lot harder for it than my brother did.

My DD was in the "above expectations" category, following through to A levels she achieved A, B, B (AAA forecast) so not as bright as some.

From a young age, we spent time taking her out, naming new things as we saw them, also enjoying books together, doing puzzles as well as workbooks (she couldn't get enough of the latter before starting school). She was determined to get a scholarship for sixth form, we weren't convinced, and told her if she wanted it, she had to do all the ground work - all we would do was take her to look at schools andfill in financial paperwork - she did her research, made enquiries, spoke to staff.

Moving through school, DD became very independent - I knew other parents were helping with homework - she wouldn't let us even look most of the time. All we did was provide her with the materials she needed.

She was determined to get a scholarship for sixth form, we weren't convinced, and told her if she wanted it, she had to do all the ground work - all we would do was take her to look at schools and fill in financial paperwork - she did her research, made enquiries, spoke to staff.

So with us I think is was a combination of support on our part, and determination on hers.

*weren't

Reading, talking, questioning, answering the question but not waffling or adding more, asking opinions, family mealtimes with varied conversations, engaging in their education by chatting and guiding, showing your own fallibility, modelling behaviour and giving them second chances to rectify theirs.

Taking an interest in what they find fascinating even when it’s tedious (talking Pokemon, rainbow fairies, lists of facts here 🙄).

I also think teaching them that, sometimes, the reward is the achievement itself. Taking pride in their work/effort because it’s good not for a material token.

Both my boys are in top sets and honestly we don't do anything other than make sure they have time to do their homework and not really have any expectations of them in regards to helping in the the house besides the usual like keeping bedrooms tidy, helping at dinnertime and basics like that.
My DD on the other hand is also very clever but she needs to work at it and really put in alot of extra effort.
It grates her that the boys find it so much easier but everyone is different and everyone's attitudes are different.

I’ve often wondered if you’re very bright, top unis, great jobs etc, if it’s a shock to have DC that struggle?

To succeed within the top range of their own ability? (Academics are one measure and not everyone can be top, but everyone can nurture the best out of their own assets). Be their stable base, encourage experimentation and pursuing their individual talents or interests. Spot any barriers or specific learning difficulties and help find strategies. Study yourself if you can when they are going through school, be a role model for life. Encourage them to see themselves in a holistic way - not just base self esteem on academics /looks/popularity but on interests/abilities /personality and to work towards intrinsic goals that are for themselves, and their own satisfaction not to please others or beat others.

To answer a previous poster by high achieving I meant achieving above expected level. I purposefully didn’t use ‘successful’ as I know many people who probably aren’t academic but are successful in their lives (whether that’s in their job or leading a happy life).

All of your answers are so interesting thank you.
I have 2 children in primary. Both doing well and either high expected or just achieving above (this is from their teachers). I just wondered what other parents did to tip the balance into securely above!

We’ve spent a lot of time so far in working on perseverance, whether that’s with schoolwork or riding bikes, sports etc. We try to encourage them in whatever interests they have, talk a lot, read with them and spend lots of time together as a family. I suspect some of it is genetic (I am ok but no genius!) but I will use these ideas to help them wherever we can.

Reading, talking about anything and everything, play games. Reward effort not achievement. Don't dumb down conversations.
Spend time with them. Have dinner together.

My DD age 8 got exceeding in al areas of her school report. Has read all the Harry Potter books etc. Maths at a year 6 level.

But she can't ride a bike yet. And won't try for fear of failure. Only just learnt to swim. Falls over at most sports days. Luckily she loves her dance and musical theatre so gives her confidence in some aspects of movement. But she hates any sort of competitive sports.

She spoke at 8 months. But didn't crawl until a year and didn't walk until 18 months.

Different people are good at different things. For her it's academic stuff. Nothing I have ever 'tutored' her for. DH and I both went to grammar schools and were very bookish kids too.

Oh, another thing we did, was argue. If they disagreed with a rule, or a judgment, then argue it! And negotiate. And compromise.

My DD is mastery in all subjects…haven’t done anything “additional” with her than my second DD who is exceeding in all subjects. She is just like a sponge and soaks up so much information it’s untrue!! They have both had loads of experiences, toys, books, games etc growing up and family time is important. Both dad and I are degree qualified, intelligent and great at our jobs, so whether it is inherited who knows!! I wouldn’t be upset if they weren’t clever though because everyone has their own talents xx

It's also having parents that are responsive to the differing needs of each of their children. Nothing makes me roll my eyes harder than "a bright child will do well anywhere". The school environment matter so much and one school no matter how wonderful won't suit all children.

@BigSandyBalls2015

I’ve often wondered if you’re very bright, top unis, great jobs etc, if it’s a shock to have DC that struggle?

It wouldn’t be for me, because I’m the only one out of 6 DC my parents had that is academic. It wouldn’t bother me either. They are who they are.

Oh just to add. Since she started talking at 8 months she has NEVER stopped.

Her brain just doesn't stop. And not does her mouth. I'm pretty similar struggle to turn off.