For those with high achievers - how (honesty please!)

[1AngelicFruitCake]

As the title! Inspired by the thread about why people don’t confess to tutoring their children. If your child is in the ‘exceeding/above expectations’ range then what is it you do at home to help?

@Lovetoridemybicycle

Not everyone can be above average, a lot depends on their drive and personality. I have two very bright kids (obviously, cause everyone on Mumsnet has above average kids!) One I have to hassle to do her work as she's just not bothered. She will do well, could excel, but won't. There other is sooo driven to succeed and works her socks off with no prompting and is predicted 8/9 in GCSE across the board. Seriously never tutored her, to me to excel it's down to their attitude

This You can have all the tutors in the world, be high achievers yourself, encourage your dcs, but ultimately it depends on the individual child. I have three dcs, two are driven ( top sets, 8/ 9’s in GCSEs, one has a place at Cambridge )My other child can’t be arsed and has to be pushed However, I do think that reading is very important

@Hoppinggreen I thought that too & especially this sentence rang true
My ds is probably too good at not being a people pleaser and so doesn't give a shit about school work, let alone additional work for enjoyment

I have one high achiever and 1 more average. Both had the same types of input. My high achiever is just naturally very clever I think. It was always clear from a very early age and she’s always been a voracious reader. She doesn’t even try that hard in all honesty. My average achiever just isn’t wired the same way as her.

Forgot to say! Our input was nothing more than reading a story every night to them and ensuring they’re happy and engaged at school (state school).

One of mine is just really clever. We read etc with all of them, but one is just streets ahead and always has been. I think that's just nature.

Genuinely nothing, she was straight a star or a grade through all her exams and received a first in law from a high ranking Russel group, inc three awards from them, I didn’t even ask if she did her homework, I just took the approach it was up to her. She was privately educated though and her schools were good.

Every kid is different op,

Met husband whilst we were both at Cambridge. Genetics covered most of the rest of it.

I guess we did the usual “middle class parents” thing quite well. So lots of books, lots of talking, encouraging them to do their homework etc,

As above, reading and talking! My 14yo is very clever and a high achiever so far (although obviously unproven by GCSE etc yet; but she was awarded various scholarships at 11 plus and 13 plus)

We have always watched a lot of films and TV together, and also played online games and fannied around on YouTube and Twitter, but we do talk through it all the time. Also including her in adult conversations by default, as she’s an only child. I’ve tried not to pressure her into my interests and have had to learn a bit about hers… She’s not a precocious child but is quietly confident in many scenarios that you wouldn’t expect.

The scary bit is letting them go off and do their thing when they are teenagers, and hoping they capitalise on it or at least are set up to be in a place where they are happy (the most important thing)

My 3, all in their 20s now, have always been high achievers - academically and also at sport and music.
We read to them from when they were born and continued for as long as they wanted.
We encouraged them in music and sport (county players and various grade 8s). Otherwise we talked and discussed things and took them to interesting places (just in the UK).
At home we never did much academically as they didn’t need extra help, but we taught them cooking, gardening, housework, sewing, DIY etc.
It probably helps that me and DH are ‘bright’.

READING! Reading them many many many books when they were babies and toddlers. Getting a pile of new books from the library regularly. Buying them books as presents. Reading them chapter books at night.

Strict screen time limits.

Regular bedtime. And a sleep routine from babyhood.

Times table or educational music or podcasts in the car.

Playing games like chess or Catan or other strategy games with them.

If they go on the iPad as preschoolers, only allowing them to play educational games like Starfall or MonkeyPreschoolLunchbox. Never just mindless junk like YouTube.

Actively engaging with their teachers and school work.

Absolutely nothing. She came out bright and hasn't stopped since.

I always encouraged reading, DD hated it until recently and DS still hates it.

Lots of theatre, museums, etc but nothing out of the ordinary. No tutoring.

BTW I never limited TV, or Internet or had any rules.

I do think genetics plays a big part. Both DH and I are academic (straight A's, too universities etc). We assumed in consequence that the DC would be 'bright', and they all are. Academics generally comes easily to them all. We did read to them a lot, and I buy them a lot of books, but we are no cultural hot house.

My definition of high-achieving is much broader than academics though. I have failed to achieve my potential career-wise for a number of reasons (looking at you, imposter syndrome) and DH, although he has done very well in his profession, isn't blazing a trail. To me it is pretty clear that qualities such as motivation, tenacity, passion and resilience all play as a big a role (or bigger) in being a "high achiever" beyond education. Our DC's have a mixed bag of these qualities, and I try to help them develop themselves by giving them opportunities beyond academics to stretch themselves and have a sense of achievement. But it's much more ephemeral and I've no idea if it is really possible to make, for example, a cautious child more willing to take risks.

Then there is the question of whether "high achieving" is really the best goal for parents to have for their children anyway. Of course we all want out children to "be happy", but what can we do as parents to lay the foundations for a "happy life?" It's far from simple, which is why it is easy to fall back on focusing on helping children to get good exam results.

I'd love to know what people do with a non reader. Both me and my kids dad are big readers, degree educated, professional jobs, house full of books.
Ds1 - voracious reader, about to go to Uni to do a healthcare degree
Ds2 - less keen reader but got B at English A level, about to go to RG Uni to read politics
DD age 10, takes a year to read a book - not even joking. Very bright and above age expectation for reading! How, I do not know. She just isn't interested in stories. She has a huge bookcase full of all sorts of books passed down and bought for her-absolutely not bothered. I don't know where we got her from.

Just a viewpoint from the other side - I was always a 'high achiever' at school, as in I didn't have to put any effort in, coasted through GCSEs and IB. Was never tutored. Some kids just are. (what I had in ability I massively lacked in common sense and confidence).

My own kids are distinctly average, they will do well in life but they don't need to go to a super selective to achieve that.

I find the idea of playing education games mind numbingly boring, you can get kids to learn by rote and practice for teh 11+ type papers but you cant push something that isn't there in the first place.

But despite all that, they're all different and two are clearly more academic than the other one (who is wonderfully creative and the funniest, spunkiest, sweetest kid in the world).

My DD is an only, which gives her the advantage of us always being able to give her our full attention and spend time to explain things such as current affairs to her. We always visit museums, attractions, events etc that interest her, without having to worry about bored siblings.

I'm an older mum and am fortunate to be able to work part time so have always done school pick ups then sat down to support homework or interests in hobbies etc.
DH and I have different interests, which gives DD a wider range of topics going on in the home, which develops curiosity. We've always encouraged her to pursue interests, but expected that she will give them a fair before ditching if they turn out not to float her boat.
She reads like a demon. We've taken her to several 'meet the author' events which have further inspired her.
The downside is that she feels the weight of expectation that she will excel. She is a people pleaser who doesn't want to disappoint. I'm having to consciously make her aware that we don't 'expect' anything specific of her. She doesn't have to go to uni if that isn't what she wants. She doesn't have to have a stratospheric career path. Her form tutor is brilliant at reminding her not to burn herself out. Sometimes it's ok not to be amazing.

@actiongirl1978 neither did I. I didn't force homework times yadayada

We did do trips to the museum a lot and had a NT pass - not because I thought it would make them good learnings but because I was a broke, young single mum with a high energy son who couldn't be in the house all day.

Reading and talking. Having lots of general knowledge and understanding around the learning they do in school. Encouraging interest in things, the world etc. Nothing formal but we always talked about the news, politics, played games. No real limits on screen time if I am honest but both dc are high achievers. We are encouraging but there are things they have not been so great at, musical instruments for example but they had the opportunity to try. No tutoring at all.

[quote RandomDent]@Hoppinggreen ooh my stressed one never slept as a baby and even now is always up with the sun; I wonder if there’s something in that?[/quote]
Poor DDs brain won’t switch off.
She overthinks everything and it makes friendships difficult

@ChiaraRimini my ds sounds like your youngest. He hates reading, he's about to go to a new school (Yr 10plus school as he's going into yr 10) and will only have to do 5 core GCSEs as he'll be doing a lv 2 engineering and a lv2 construction nvq alongside it. 10 weeks of work placement in the construction one too. Some dc don't like academic stuff whereas others naturally do.

@ChiaraRimini one of my DC starts loads of books and just leaves them a chapter in or halfway through. If I am reading with them they never want to read on, even when we reach a cliffhanger. As a bookworm I find it really hard to understand that they are not hooked by what they are reading.

Years ago in my dad's family 2 of his brothers were gifted academically and went on to achieve lots of degrees etc. They were brought up on a farm where work was everything and school interfered with that so no input! It's genetics. My dd is diagnosed gifted as are a few others scattered through out the wider family. She came out like that..bit scary when she was younger as way ahead. She got lots of opportunities but so did her siblings but the inate high ability was there from practically day 1. Saying that, they have better jobs than her as she chose to go along the route of lower pay/ higher interest. I wouldn't be looking at families thinking they are up all night tutoring.
Remember the middle of the road people make up the most of society and keep the show on the road.

When we realised they weren't going to be extended by the school in Math, we got them tutoring.

Any subjects they felt they had difficulty keeping up with, we got them tutoring.

We focus on effort, commitment, and don't be scared to give it a go, and get it wrong, you're there to learn, not to know it all. The only bad mistake, is the one you don't learn from.

They know that if they want something education related, even if not curriculum related, that we'll spring for it. As a result, one is teaching themselves Japanese, and the other, Russian and Korean.

Education as a gateway to success, however they deem to define it for themselves, is promoted.

We have worked hard, from day one, at a very healthy diet, and sleep, and we recognise and support mental health issues.

In short, our kids have had a fairly privileged life, that we have been privileged to be able to provide them.

From the other side, I was a high achiever- A*s and As at GCSE, high A levels, Russell Group Uni, Masters and now doing a PhD.

The best thing my parents did for me is always encourage me to ask questions and be curious. I’m sure they were bored out of their minds, but they answered all my questions and encouraged me to look stuff up in an encyclopaedia if they didn’t know the answer (I was a child pre-internet).

They stopped helping me with homework in secondary but there was always the expectation that I would do it all. I was so worried about disappointing them that I worked my socks off.

For background, (this is going to sound dickish) I’m much smarter than my brother. My mum didn’t go to university and my dad is smart but not very bookish.