For those with high achievers - how (honesty please!)

[1AngelicFruitCake]

As the title! Inspired by the thread about why people don’t confess to tutoring their children. If your child is in the ‘exceeding/above expectations’ range then what is it you do at home to help?

I suspect a lot of the ‘we don’t do much’ parents are actually doing quite a lot naturally. Eg engaging children in conversation over dinner, providing reading material will just be second nature to lots of people but for others it just isn’t. Eg my children have never eaten in front of the tv but I was quite surprised when I went to a friend’s house and eating was a functional thing (eg eating in the high chairs in front of the tv) rather than a social thing.

A lot will be genetic as well. I’ve got a high IQ so i’d expect my children will have similar levels of intelligence.

Echoing what others have said:
Genetics
Never ending supply of reading material
Discussions/family dinners/the world around us
Encouragement
A certain level of expectation instilled
Awareness of healthy competition
Honest communication
Quizzing/games to stimulate thought and educational thirst
Sports/activities
Limits on phone/internet/gaming access
Gentle discouragement when necessary

My kids were always 'top set' from their early years but not the stars. They really started to excel age 14. Come GCSEs and A levels they achieved all top grades, won all the school prizes going and are now shining at university (Oxbridge).

Whether they have the tenacity and hunger to go further...who knows? Either way they have made me very proud.

DD2 was born with an extremely good memory. Even as a toddler she could describe events from months before. Remember places she had been once etc.

Both DDs good at maths. That is partly genetics... going back several generations everyone, especially the men (as women didn't have the same opportunities) has worked in a maths related field as much as their education allowed them. But this also makes Maths less scary... there's always the presumption that maths makes sense, rather than be a terrifying thing girls can't do.

I discovered over Lockdown that the reason DD2 found maths boring was it was too easy. But being 6, she couldn't tell her teachers that... (she makes silly mistakes as its too easy).

I think parents believing in them really helps.

Totally disagree with people saying limit screen time. There's amazing learning potential in absorbing stories and information there.

@Bunnycat101

I suspect a lot of the ‘we don’t do much’ parents are actually doing quite a lot naturally. Eg engaging children in conversation over dinner, providing reading material will just be second nature to lots of people but for others it just isn’t. Eg my children have never eaten in front of the tv but I was quite surprised when I went to a friend’s house and eating was a functional thing (eg eating in the high chairs in front of the tv) rather than a social thing.

A lot will be genetic as well. I’ve got a high IQ so i’d expect my children will have similar levels of intelligence.

I was going to say similar. I was chatting to a friend who's a teacher about my dd's and saying that I feel lucky they both are pretty smart academically and love to read and I haven't really pushed or had to make sure they are learning.

She told me that she noticed we did it naturally - we talked at the dinner table about what's going on in the news, what's been good about their day, history when we visit places etc, it's a normal thing for us.

So probably that's what we do - it's not an active choice IYSWIM, it just is something we do combined with a curiosity that they both always have had.

I think there are lots of different factors. My two both went to comprehensive school locally, as did I, DH went to private and then Oxbridge. We both have doctorate level degrees so I think there is a lot of genetic help for them. First born was above average but nothing spectacular, always hated reading, still does. But got a good first in a medical associate subject. Doing very well in their career. Second born was always a high flyer, marked as gifted and talented from primary (when they still did that). Didn’t work too hard by their own admission, went to a RG university and got a first and lots of awards, flying high in career. Neither ever had any help except from us with homework, no tutoring. Always loved books and still does.

But as a family we chat a lot, do quizzes etc so have good general knowledge. My mum was a teacher and always said bright kids will do well anywhere without too much help, it’s the middle of the road ones who get looked over often.

Literally nothing. XH is very clever although not academic. I’m quite academic, so probably genetically a good mix of different types of clever.
I read to them when they were little but not every night. Did the annoying Biff & Chip books at primary when I remembered. Otherwise I’ve been totally hands off. Don’t help or push with homework, it’s up to them whether they do it or not. Consequences are for the school to enforce, not me. I provide internet access, buy books and resources, encourage and never put pressure on them. As long as they do their best I’m happy. DS1 got 5 As and 4 Bs at gcse a few years back without doing even a moment of revision. (I’m not bragging about that btw. I find it quite annoying!!) and is currently getting 95% on exams at work for a professional qualification. DS2 worked really hard revising all last year and this, and got 9 x 9s and a 7. Is doing Maths, extra Maths and economics A levels. DD has been told she’d have passed gcse English when she was in year 8, and that her distinction was in the bag by her second PowerPoint slide as her teacher knew it was the best presentation she’d ever seen. They’re just very bright kids and I wish I could take more credit for that, but honestly as a single mum running my own business, my parenting borders on neglect!

When she wanted to read her four year old brothers key words at two, I made her her own set. They've always had plenty of books. I bought work books, answered all questions. Tbh they are all bright which dh and I are too but they put the work in and all the achievements are theirs.

Gaming from young age. Literacy, numeracy, science, geography, mythology, music, art, etc, etc, all covered while playing.
And genetics.(not from me)

I guess I was a high achiever - finished school (equivalent of A-levels in my country) at 15, straight A* all through school.

All my parents’ ‘behind the scenes work’ happened before we even started school really. Reading, music, talking to us nonstop, taking us to the zoo, museum, interactive activities… before we were 4. Lots and lots of reading and creative play at home, at church, during holidays.

Talking to us like adults from a very young age. Children are very intelligent, they (mostly) are able to understand normal topics and follow conversations just like adults would. It engages their brain to think in a different, more challenging way.

We were never tutored or got help with homework, so I wasn’t ‘academically helped’. Everyone said I’d struggle going to university so young but what shocked me was meeting 18/19yo olds who, being 3-4 years older than me, had no idea how to set up a bank account, a water bill, manage their savings throughout the term or even organise laundry/shopping etc. Couldn’t talk about politics, current events, economics.

They’d never been treated like adults. Had never heard their parents openly discuss finances, direct debits, and a long list of etc.

It’s not about academic achievement - it’s about maturing as an individual in all aspects of life. The base work for my brain to function at its best was set by my parents when I was very young. From then on, it was all about preparing me to ‘high achieve’ in life and society, not just school.

Hot-housing young children so they get good grades doesn’t prepare them for life.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by high achievers. Does 3 x A at A level count or are you only interested in students who get 4 or more A*?

My dc have had no additional tutoring whatsoever. We read with them when they were little and were engaged with feedback they were getting from school and encouraged them to do a bit more homework when we felt they were slacking. That's it. But my hope was never that they'd be high achievers, just that they would be happy and enjoy school.

Genetics definitely helps but is not the magic key to success.

My DS is adopted and has always been super bright and we could tell he was from a very young age. He did brilliantly at primary school , won national awards for maths ( first ever to do so from his school) , helped his school quiz team to the national finals and passed the 11 plus easily. He had such promise.

Then the teenage issues crept up on us and he is now going to struggle to get the top grades expected at his grammar school. You get to the stage where their mental well being becomes more important than grades. All we can do is support him and hope for the best.

DD , also adopted, has difficulties learning but is so much more confident as a teenager and works so much harder. She still has some issues she has to deal with but will probably do better than we ever expected and will have made more progress in real terms than her very bright brother.

Honestly, it's pure luck. DS1 is 12 and is top sets for everything, excelling in all subjects.
The only thing I do is ensure he's got books galore. He's easily bored so books have always kept him occupied.

DD is perfectly average.

DS2 is ahead in some subjects, average in others.

All have had the same upbringing, the same opportunities and they all are surrounded by books. But where DS1 will read for hours, the younger two aren't as interested. They will read, but its not high on their list of things to do for enjoyment.

Scrabble. Fantastic game. Generates lots of conversation around the table. I agree, lots of reading too. My eldest is an advanced reader but chooses not to do it as a past time. He reads via PC games that are heavily story based. Morrow Wind etc. Different medium, same idea.

My high achiever is (roughly) September born and has no educational SEN. When she was born we had a decent amount of money and could go out and about and do things to spark her interest as she got older.

She has older siblings so watched programs beyond her age, and wants to be at the same level as them. She goes to a small school with mixed year group classes (so easy to do work above your year group) great teachers and a nurturing non-competitive attitude.

These are probably her biggest advantages by a long shot!

We do also have lots of books and play board games blah blah but I don't think they make as much difference as the general life advantages she has compared to other kids.

I have other kids who aren't high achieving and have much more challenges.

I remember being at primary and had to go into a separate class with a few other children for help with reading and writing, I loved it and of course didn’t realise at the time it was because they had identified me as being behind with reading and writing. I look back now and wonder why this happened, I loved English at high school and ended up with 2 As for English Language and English Literature at GCSE and an A in A level for English Literature. So I wouldn’t pay too much attention to the levels in primary school unless the teachers have identified a particular learning disability. My son is 6 and they told me in the book bands he was not at expected level, so over the holidays I did quite a bit of reading with him and he now reads confidently the correct book band for his age. I do think there are a minority of children who can get away with doing very little at home and still be “beyond expected level” but it’s usually because they have one or both parents who are very academic. Neither of my parents are academic and neither am I, not naturally anyway, I have to put a lot of effort in to anything if I want to be “good” at it.

Fuck all, they just are, so was I.

My Dad says my DDs are the same as I was - inquisitive, curious and obnoxious

I’m a Scientist and a hippy so we spent a lot of time outside, exploring, seeing what we could find, discovering what it is. We read a lot. We do a lot of crafts (that I’m fucking crap at so I just draw cells ). That’s what I mean by “fuck all”.

ExDP is a Flat Earther and I think that’s all I need to say about him…

Nothing really.

As a pp said its about encouraging curiosity and critical thinking. We discuss all sorts of topics over the dinner table and have always encouraged our dc to ask questions. My DH read to our dc when they were little but none are big readers now they're teens.

My parents didn’t know what to do with me, my Mum doesn’t have any GCSEs (or whatever they were back in her day), my Dad is an artist and has no formal education past A Levels. No extracurriculars, no educational support at home.

None of my 5 siblings went past GCSE, I have a PhD from an RG Uni and was straight A*/A student with very little effort.

I had almost no social interests at all, I just wanted to learn. I was diagnosed with Autism during my Masters.

I have significant MH issues, none of my siblings do.

2/3 of my DDs are “exceptional”, my youngest is only 5 and I refuse to quantify her intelligence at that age and wouldn’t have with my elder children either, however secondary school have insisted on it.

My middle DD also has Autism and MH issues.

I don’t really know any smart people who are happy.

Genetics for mine, but being naturally bright can make them academically lazy.

My eldest is 8 and naturally loves reading and has always been beyond expected level for her reading, but she always wanted to read it was never a chore trying to get her to read like it is with my son.

I was that kid.

My earliest memory is of my mum using Flash Cards with me. I was still in a babygrow

I was read to, bought books, taken to the library weekly and talked to. Then talked to some more and then when all the talking stopped, they talked some more. UK holidays. Cultural history. Politics (talked about and had politically active parents. Went on Demos), theatre (matinees and free ‘open’ dress rehearsals. We was poor ‘m’lud), museums, art galleries. But mainly books books books books books (“mum, I’m bored!” “Read a book”).

No tutoring. Well known academic school on bursary, academic achievement and the absolute might of my mother.

Failed all my GCSE/A Levels as an act of rebellion.

Currently earn six figures.

There is no ‘one way’. Apart from encouraging reading.

Having parents who have a stable marriage and only had the number of kid they could truly support both emotionally and financially is a huge head start.

Limiting screen time to educational programs and not letting them consume crap content in large quantities.

Giving lots of opportunities for movement and developing fine/gross motor skills.

Not interrupting them when they are concentrating on something as toddlers.

Teaching them delayed gratification and impulse control is huge.

Helping foster an interest in the world around them.

Providing a high quality diet and making sure they don't eat too much processed food.

Books. All the books.

Read, read, read. Watch documentaries. Visit museums etc. Be guided by their interests in all of the above. Encourage curiosity and asking questions. Encourage them to think of possible answers to said questions not just give an answer. Look up things they/you don't know with them. Discuss topics that interest them.

Model reading, being interested in the world, enjoying learning new things.