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For those with high achievers - how (honesty please!)

306 replies

1AngelicFruitCake · 02/09/2021 17:45

As the title! Inspired by the thread about why people don’t confess to tutoring their children. If your child is in the ‘exceeding/above expectations’ range then what is it you do at home to help?

OP posts:
Ecosralayce · 01/02/2022 19:13

well, I have 6 dc. no extra tutoring, not any extra input educationally really, but lots of conversation, always read to when little, lots of books available etc. All wnet to regualr state schools.Both me and dh educated to high degree level. The oldest 3 were actually home educated for 3 years when they were primary age and we did very little formal academic work!
Oldest (now 24) is exceptionally bright academically and was always very very motivated to do well at school. Graduated 5th in his year with a masters from Cambridge and now has a very well paid job for a large comapany.(however he totally lacks common sense, can be socially awkward and does not have a creative bone in his body!)
Next 2 definitely above average academically, both gone to uni and both doing well. second one also extremely creative and very atristic.
Next one has extra needs including dyslexia so is not academic. But is very intelligent in different ways, in ways some of the others aren't. Also a very talented muscician.
Next one is again extremely academically able. Very motivated to study. Currently in Y11 so early days but hoping to apply to Cambridge.
youngest - well what can I say! (y9)Not at all academic. Will do the absolute bare minimum when it comes to school work. managing to get him out the door with 2 shoes on every morning is a challenge! But he is again very musical and extremely sporty.

so as you can see they are all very different. They all have their own strengths and weaknesses. We have never pushed them too much academically as we are much more concerned with the emotional development and mental health.

CantSitStill2022 · 01/02/2022 21:37

Mine were/ are both exceeding in most subjects although the older one is now at a selective grammar so I think is mainly meeting expectations rather than exceeding which is a shock for him.

He's definitely anxious to do well which is a good and bad trait. So works hard and is conscientious as well as bright.

Apart from the things most have said on here, they both seem to have very good memories which I certainly don't! They both seem to be able to look at their spellings, for example, once and remember them. Always 10/10. Not very fair for those kids who work so hard and get lower scores.

So it must be a mix of nature and nurture.

KindergartenKop · 01/02/2022 21:40

Both my kids love reading. I don't think you can spoil a child with books. If they like an author I'll order them a few more. I buy them factual books surrounding their interests. I take them to the library. I also talk to them about books they enjoy and don't enjoy.

I think it helps that I started on phonics when they were in nursery so by the time they were in Y1 they were fluent and could understand all the instructions etc at school. But not all kids are ready to read that early so I know it's not possible if the kid isn't interested.

Also, taking the time to explore their interests. My older child loves History and so do I. So we spend hours going round museums and I can tell him lots about the exhibits and we have a lovely nerdy time Grin

mamaduckbone · 01/02/2022 22:13

@Hoppinggreen

Dd just got all 9s at GCSE and I can honestly say it was down to her. She was alert and curious from birth (and never bloody slept), she was always mentally very busy. We read to her a lot and talked to her about all sorts of things but she is just naturally very very clever. DS is different, very chilled and easy baby. Above average but lazy and does enough to get by. As far as MH goes he has a much easier ride though
You have just described my dcs exactly. Ds1 asked 10 zillion questions a day, memorised whole books at 2, very curious and interested in the world from a young age. He's predicted 8s and 9s in almost everything. Ds2 is bone idle and does the bare minimum, although he is bright and much more creative / artistic. I'm hoping he'll be a late blossomer.

Lots of books, lots of talking and exposure to culture (museums, galleries, castles, theatre...) all play a part I think, as does the personality of the child.

Neolara · 01/02/2022 22:18

Married someone with a first from Cambridge? Honestly, I haven't done anything. We've provided opportunity to try different things and a tutor when she was bored beyond belief in Year 8. But I've totally stay out of her work and leave it all up to her.

SilkLabrador · 01/02/2022 22:20

No idea, my eldest is super academic he enjoys reading, Lego and Netflix. He just seems to "get" stuff and has a great memory.

On the other hand he can't catch a ball or tie laces!

My youngest is not academic but is very emotionally intelligent.

Bunnycat101 · 01/02/2022 22:49

A lot will be in the genes but also start you give in the first few months. Mine are still young so too young to know if their ability will transfer into academic success or not but I’m starting to see personality traits that I think will shape them as older children/teenagers.

Child no.1 doesn’t bloody stop. She was deeply frustrated as a baby and had a determination towards independence unlike any of my friends kids. When she’s motivated she’ll practice something really hard off her own bat. I would bet money on her doing something creative or arts based as she is super imaginative/creative and an extreme extrovert but doesn’t have the patience for anything detail oriented like lego. She will never be a completed finisher.

Child no.2 is still only 2 and has had far less attention than child no.1 which I think will affect her and I feel guilty she’s not had the same 1:1 time. However, she’ll suddenly do something that she’s worked out herself like counting or recognising letters. She’s got a less ‘showy’ personality and will just crack on and has more patience. I suspect she’ll be equally as clever but much less obvious about it.

All of the above could be total bollocks given their young ages but I’ll be interested to see how much of their personality type sticks. My nephew has been similar from toddler to teenager and it was obvious from an early age where his strengths lied.

NumberTheory · 02/02/2022 06:41

We read, read, read. We discuss everything and anything with that discussion including listening to the kids not just talking to them. We encourage questions. We have deliberately tried to encourage self motivation rather than praise driven motivation - though not sure how much this has worked.

Princecharlesfirstwife · 02/02/2022 08:05

I’ve got 3 dcs

DC1 was high achieving at 16 (10 x A/A* at GCSE). Distinctly average by A’levels, scraped a (lower class) degree and now has a NMW job in retail. Bored and unmotivated from 16 onwards basically. No amount of parental support and encouragement has made any difference.

DC2 high achiever at GCSE/Alevels and has just graduated with a first. Plenty of job offers. Highly motivated, ambitious and a perfectionist. Needed no parental input to achieve what she sets out to do.

DC3 taking GCSEs this year. The laziest person I have ever had the fortune to meet from an academic POV and that will inevitably reflect in her (poor) results. Nothing we say or do makes a jot of difference.

There’s a whole heap of chance involved to be honest. A high achiever today is no guarantee of a high achiever tomorrow. A low achiever today is no guarantee of a low achiever tomorrow. My dcs have all the basics - stable home, loving extended family, good (state) schools etc - but none of that makes a difference when one decides to deviate from the high achiever route (dc1) or never step foot on that road (dc3). DC2 is quite frankly my anomaly.

Montana7 · 02/02/2022 12:25

Can I just add that lifestyle also seems to be a factor in the high achieving kid we know.... Some have horses, others multiple dogs etc which add to the child's quality of life... Foreign travel, ski trips, the kids regularly go to the theatre with their parents so are comfortable in those surroundings, eating regularly in restaurants etc... Money definitely helps... Academics is one side but "soft skills" is another side to being a high achiever & that's where money comes in..

Whatwhywhenwhere · 02/02/2022 13:52

Mate with a high achiever
Or a sportsman
Encourage creative play, discussion and self expression
Listen to them, respect them, teach them independence, emotional maturity and high self esteem
Mostly let them see life as an amazing journey in which they can create exactly what they want to; that they might fail at times but they can try again; that there is always another option or a new beginning and to take failures in their stride.

I say this as a parent of a child who is high achieving in one area and pursuing that as a career, and another who is high achieving in a different area and following that path. Both have a strong belief in their own abilities coupled with hard work and enjoyment of that area.

You can’t force them to be high achieving but you can give them the tools.

I wasn’t high achieving at anything in a family of high achievers and that felt pretty bad (nobody’s fault) so I made sure my kids feel supported, valued and respected regardless of how they did in the last exam.

Leopardprintonsie · 06/03/2023 10:05

Montana7 · 02/02/2022 12:25

Can I just add that lifestyle also seems to be a factor in the high achieving kid we know.... Some have horses, others multiple dogs etc which add to the child's quality of life... Foreign travel, ski trips, the kids regularly go to the theatre with their parents so are comfortable in those surroundings, eating regularly in restaurants etc... Money definitely helps... Academics is one side but "soft skills" is another side to being a high achiever & that's where money comes in..

Absolutely this @Montana7 the kids are "worldly" & have had lots of different experiences.

Equimum · 06/03/2023 11:00

Our eldest is 10 and achieving very highly. He's very bright and as a toddler constantly brought books to us to read to him. He's just naturally really motivated to read and find stuff out. We've put him in extra-curricular an and we travel, so day trips etc, but other than doing his set homework, we don't encourage any extra learning.

our younger son struggles a lot and we do heaps of work at home with him. I don't mean in a pressured way, but we just have to spend a lot of time reading, going over times tables etc because he needs that in order to achieve at a base level.

Kazzyhoward · 07/03/2023 11:19

Well, we've been "on top" of our son's education and development since he was a few months old really. Lots of quality time spent with him, playing, talking to him, going for walks and pointing out animals, birds, plants, standing at the bottom of our road "counting" cars, and tallying car colours, etc., taking him to feed the ducks regularly, reading at bed time, just lots and lots of "engagement" before he started school. Eg, he knew the alphabet, numbers, counting, colours, how to write, basic sums, etc. We'd never just sit him in front of the TV or give him a tablet or phone to play on to pass the time - yes, we watched TV, but we'd watch together and either DH or I would be talking to him, explaining things, etc. Most importantly, we think, is that we talked to him like an adult, no "childish" words etc once he'd stopped being a "blob" after a few months old - we'd speak "properly" to him, explain things to him, etc.

Once he was at school, we remained highly engaged, ensured he did any homework, kept on top of what he was being taught and made sure he wasn't getting behind. If there was no school homework, we'd do something ourselves to work through, all alongside normal "play" according to his age at the time. He was pretty quickly into computer games, and played an awful lot of online Lego games, Minecraft, Club Penguin, etc - all the kind of games where you build things, do tasks/challenges, move up levels of difficulty etc.

For the 11+, we didn't get a tutor, we just got 11+ study/revision books and worked through them with him, more to get him used to question style really, he'd maybe do a section of maths questions or a comprehension every few days for the Summer before the exam in September.

Once he was at grammar school, we kept up the same engagement with his schooling, i.e. checked his homework diary and kept him motivated to do homework, revise for tests, etc., and generally ensure he kept himself organised and on top of the work. As the years passed, we left it to him more and more, and by GCSE and sixth form years, we had virtually no involvement at all with his school work, just generic "have you done all your homework" comments in the evening, but we weren't really engaged at all with his school work - we left him to it. Despite excellent GCSE and A level grades, he never won a single school prize, as he was more of a "generalist", i.e. in the top 5-10 of each class rather than top of the class, so an all rounder rather than brilliant at any particular subject.

He's now in his last few weeks at Uni and on track for a first degree, but obviously, we're now "hands off" since he's been at Uni, so he is motivating and organising himself (we assume).

Both DH and myself really struggled at school for different reasons and both seriously underperformed, both leaving at 16 with virtually no qualifications, and having to drag ourselves back up to get self taught qualifications and decent professions. We didn't want that to happen to DS, so we were on top of his education and development from the earliest possible moments really. I wouldn't say he was an Einstein nor a Hawkins, so not a "high achiever" or any kind of "genius" in that sense, but he's got an excellent set of qualifications and an excellent job starting in Summer so he's got himself in a good place! Alongside that, he's popular and has lots of friends.

Littlemice · 07/03/2023 11:43

My youngest is currently viewed as a high achiever. I’m a single parent and genuinely have done nothing extra with him ( other than I do engage with his endless questions). He naturally enjoys reading.

My eldest has ADHD and not sure if he will even get GCSEs. Very creative and sporty. I’m actually really glad in a strange way I had him first as it has fundamentally changed the way I view school, academic achievement, the different paths children can take and challenged me on assumptions about my DC I didn’t even realise I had.

I was what would be viewed as a high achiever academically I guess and could be seen as having a high achieving career. Not sure it necessarily equates with happiness. I wish I had been less conformist, more willing to take risks and fail. That’s the main thing I’d like for my DC.

OllytheCollie · 07/03/2023 11:48

All three of ours find/ found schoolwork straight forward and exceeded expectations etc. But by secondary I don't think that kind of language is useful to focus on. Are they motivated? Do they enjoy the subjects? Do they focus in class, complete homework, talk about it outside school? It doesn't matter if they are not exceeding expectations if they are engaged and positive about learning - the outcomes will follow.

I think one thing my mum and Dad did which I do too was try and make my kids feel intelligent. When we talk about things at home I praise their curiosity and ideas. I want them to feel confident so that at school or anywhere else they feel able to tackle a more challenging maths problem/book/practical problem. I neverake a big deal of reports beyond praise that they have done well. But if teachers at parents evening say they raise their hand a lot or help others or did excellent homework I make a big deal of that. Learning is much more about behaviour than outcomes in my experience.

Other than that I let them pursue hobbies they choose, never ltd screen time, feed them lots of fruit and veg and try not to worry if they drop an instrument and complete a computer game instead. Try not to. I'm not perfect.

Clytemnestra21 · 07/03/2023 11:53

Very high achieving 12 year old here. During the first lockdown he was 9. School give him no work so I got an online maths tutor (his favourite subject) and he went onto become very good at maths but he's academically strong across all subjects.

BramleyAppleHotCrossBun · 07/03/2023 12:11

DD is a high achiever, currently in Y4 and GD across the board. I don't 'tutor' or do anything at home with her, she is very lucky to have a natural aptitude for academics. I was the same. DH is doing well in life, but it's through hard work rather than dumb luck like mine.

My DSs are more average, though both have specific additional needs that can mask their abilities.

We do, however, highly encourage reading (they are voracious) and visit museums etc with all our children. We do homeork with them so we can help them understand the task(s), but nothing more in depth.

Bookist · 07/03/2023 12:15

I honestly think that so much is just down to pure genetics. Both my husband and I are very well educated and have always read extensively for pleasure. I think this is truly the defining factor as to why our DCs have done well academically and are now at good universities.

dameofdilemma · 07/03/2023 13:56

I'd agree with Olly - its not just the outcome, it's how they feel about and approach learning.

Dd has just come joint top of her year (Yr 6) in their practice SATs at her non selective state school (mixed demographic area). She barely got a question wrong on all papers. She's been like this all through primary school.

She puts in no extra effort at all. Just does the mandatory homework, never the optional, no tutoring, no help with homework.
She isn't massively interested in any of the topics or passionate about learning. She has fleeting moments of being interested in a subject but its momentary. Mostly she's bored and jaded.

She's undoubtedly able but that doesn't mean secondary school will be a resounding success. She expects it to be easy and will likely find it isn't. That's where motivation, focus, commitment etc come in. Not convinced she has that (yet).

We're not amazing parents - dd has too much screen time and we don't do enough cultural trips etc. I'd feel a better parent if dd loved a sport or art or music (we've tried them). Being academic is her only 'thing'. And playing computer games with her friends (does that count?).

Camilliatile · 07/03/2023 13:58

I was (still am) a high achiever and my parents' secret was coercive control!

HamBone · 07/03/2023 14:07

*Encourage creative play, discussion and self expression

Listen to them, respect them, teach them independence, emotional maturity and high self esteem
Mostly let them see life as an amazing journey in which they can create exactly what they want to; that they might fail at times but they can try again; that there is always another option or a new beginning and to take failures in their stride.*

@Whatwhywhenwhere Completely agree with the above.

For us, encouraging independence and personal responsibility have been crucial during the teen years. Both DD (17) and DS (14) understand that they’re working hard at school for themselves, to give them more choices in life, not to please us, IYSWIM. DD is currently applying for university and her hard work has really paid off in terms of the places she’s been offered.

She also knows that we’ll back her if it doesn’t work out-but she’ll also need to take responsibility and find some other path.

Ihadenough22 · 07/03/2023 14:59

I know a lady who was a primary school teacher for her whole career. She also has a few children. She maintains that some children are more indoor people and into book learning and some children are more outdoor types and excel at more practical things.
She also said that reading to kids from a young age was good to do and answering questions helps kids out a lot.
I also think if you have a parent or parents who are educated it's a great help to a child as you can read well, can do and understand maths and you know the value of education.
Also if you sit down with them when they are doing homework or be their if they are stuck on something they know that homework is important.

I also think that some parents need to be aware of what areas their children are good at and encourage them to use that skill ie doing more practical subjects rather than a lot of academic subjects. University is not for every child and some children are far happier with a more practical course and career.

HamBone · 07/03/2023 15:03

I also think that some parents need to be aware of what areas their children are good at and encourage them to use that skill ie doing more practical subjects rather than a lot of academic subjects.

Absolutely, @Ihadenough22 , encourage your child to pursue their strengths, not just what you personally think they should be doing/what you were good at.

My FIL wanted all his children to study engineering, because that was his field. My older SIL struggled and had to retake her final year, because it was the wrong fit for her. She now works in a field she excels in and is far happier.

DancingDaughter50 · 07/03/2023 16:46

You can't make dc read.

As other poster said, zilch.

Of course we value eduction, tons of museums when younger etc but she just gets on with it.

We are light hearted, never seriously force her to do anything, never stand over her doing hw ever.