To those with well behaved children...

[hettysfeather]

What the hell is your secret?!

My (almost) three year old DS is feral. I spend so much time with him, get him involved in everything I do and we have a sticker chart. I praise him every time he displays a positive behaviour. He also gets rewards when he has been "good".

But he does not listen, he hits, bites and pinches when he doesn't get his way or he's cross. Runs around and away from me in the shop (I try to include him in shopping but he's not interested). Bed times are terrible, he will not stay in his bed or his room. I have tried the chair method, stroking him, comforters, the list goes on.

So, those with well behaved kids, how do you do it?!

90% pure luck on their personality

DD1 has been a dream child, just very content, easy and compliant from birth
DD2 is like a pack of feral cats inside one 3 year old

I love them equally, one just raises my blood pressure more.

A whip

That clearly was a joke but in all seriousness Dd is well behaved because I am not afraid to discipline her. She knows where the line is and that if I say I will do x,y,z if she doesn't do as expected I will do x,y,z. As another mum has said i like to think Dd and I have a very close relationship but it is parent and child, not equals.

For example op, in your post you said you DS runs away from you in shops etc. That wouldn't happen for me. On the occasions DD has tried this she was gripped around the wrist and if that had continued to fail she'd have gone on the reins.
My mum's parenting guidance to me was "don't forget you are in charge, act like it"

It's difficult to tell from the one post OP but it sounds like your Ds Has learnt that there are no consequences for naughty behaviour, only positive reactions to good behaviour. Children aren't stupid, if you don't discipline bad behaviour they soon learn how to run rings around you.

I sort of lost my mind a couple of times when my children pushed my buttons so much that I lost my temper. Me properly losing my temper is pretty rare and not fun; I want to run, to hurt myself, to shout, to not be anywhere near my children (made worse by the fact that they are scared and coming to me for comfort).

I'm not proud this happened - they were age 5-7? - but a couple of times afterwards if they thought I was on my way to that state I started to see the panic and fear in their eyes, and they reined it in.

It's hard to know if this has influenced them much and I would say this is definitely the exception, and my 'rule' is much more positive. I have high standards personally for socially responsible behaviour; no littering, no randomly picking foliage out of people's gardens, no damaging of trees by ripping bits off them, no picking flowers planted for people's enjoyment, minimising waste of food or water as far as possible, mentally 'sharing' before choosing a fair portion of any food laid out. Being aware of time at 'photo spots' - moving away so others have their turn. Being mindful of time on play equipment if others want to use it. These are all things I have seen other parents not check their children on that I would - not aggressively, just reminding them of what I feel is right. Constant consideration of others' feelings while being fair to yourself too, taking turns, please/thank you etc. If you reflect - not obsessively but regularly - on how you are affecting others' lives for good or bad, or how you are affecting the environment - and you communicate this to your children, it will probably make them more aware of their actions and behaviour generally.

@whosaidtha

I'm not saying this works as mine are still crazy but I treat mine like dogs - they need a good walk every morning and every afternoon. Definitely improves behaviour to days when they haven't been out. Lots of good boy praise and most importantly bribery.

Your comment made me laugh so much. It reminded me of a lovely midwife who came to see me when I'd just had my first child, a boy. She was mother to 3 boys and she said to treat them like dogs. Feed them, fuss them and exercise them. It's very true!

@DaphneDeloresMoorhead completely agree with everything you've said. I don't get this "they just run away and trash everything, lol, sigh, what can I do, is there a secret to this?"

He's 3. Not a Navy Seal. Get hold of him. Put him in the pushchair. Use reins. Hold his hand/wrist/arm. Pick him up. I truly don't understand this "he won't stay in his room" when all you do is put a baby gate on? You can get taller ones for children who can scale the little ones. It seems to be forgotten that you're the adult and in control...

DTwins are really well behaved. But irrespective of how fast I am, I can't run in two directions at once, and do not have a hand for each twin and a third for my purse as I'm trying to pay. So they stay in the pushchair. Or they go in their reins. If they play up continually, I let them know I'm cross that they've shortened our nice day out, and we go home.

If one plays up, I will take them away for a couple of moments, to calm down, and to make it clear that I won't be allowing this to continue, and we will just go straight home. You have to follow through with this. Once they know you're serious, they quickly pack it in.

Some is luck of the draw, there's definitely an element of that in there. But maybe 30-40%. My children just wouldn't be enabled to do a lot of what is being described as bad behaviour on this thread.

Thank you for posting this. My three year old is exactly the same and I've almost been in tears today wondering where I've gone wrong

It's definitely luck. We've parented our three exactly the same and DD1 was an absolute Angel. DD2 however was an absolute monster between 2 and 4. She'd have the most epic tantrums, never listened, was stubborn and wilful. She's fine now at 6 but that was a tough two years. Luckily DS1 seems to be following DD1 so hoping luck is on our side with number 3!

Yep mostly luck and personality, with a side order of how you respond to it. Best of luck OP, I had 1 complete shocker, 1 complete breeze and 1 in the middle - you just try to get through it as best you can and they all grow up eventually!

There's no secret, kids just have different personalities.

Dd had a temper and would regularly throw things once ending up with nothing in her bedroom except for a bed and wardrobe as everything she threw at me I removed. She also had kleptomaniac tendencies and would exchange her shoes in the shop for a new pair off the shelf when I wasn't looking.

Ds was a flight risk. One memorable occasion I thought I would teach him a lesson and hid (I could see him but he couldn't see me) he just shrugged and set off walking home. The lesson was all mine

They are both lovely now, really well behaved, good manners, good school reports, great fun and enjoyable company. Nothing to do with me and my parenting though, they just grew up a bit.

I do agree with PPs in that it is largely down to personality, but I was always an advocate of the 'resistance is futile' style of parenting.
It's hard work, and mind numbingly boring for quite some time, but if you go over things repeatedly explain the outcome & stick to it. It does sink in (although back to personalities, I agree that some kids just won't give a fig and still ignore you)

Totally agree with PPs who say exercise is key. I don't know if that is the case for all DCs, perhaps it's horses for courses, but a long walk first thing in the morning is the difference between my 2.5-year old DS being bouncy but generally quite well-behaved and absolutely feral.

If he's playing up, it's almost always on a day where we didn't have time for a long morning walk.

I think it's 100% luck to be honest.

A lot of it is luck. And three is a very tough age. I used to take mine to the park at least twice a day, whatever the weather, just to run off all their energy. Then when they were more worn out, I'd give them a low-sugar snack and do the shopping while they were calm or tired enough to just sit in the buggy.

I'd always give them a choice (of two options both of which I approved of) e.g. Do you want to rest in the buggy or put carrots in the bag? Not 'Do you want to sit in the buggy or get out and walk?' because walking might turn into running.

Keep sugar and additives/colouring to a minimum. Make snacks very healthy. Make routines and keep days quite orderly with regular times to let off steam somewhere safe and appropriate. Don't let them get wired.

Mine were often well-behaved in public. I got lots of old ladies and vicars complimenting me on my parenting. However bedtime was a nightmare for at least eight years. Despite having a strict and calm routine from when they were born: bath, milk, teeth, storytime, tucked in etc, they were up and down stairs like yoyos all night long every single night. Nothing DH or I did made any difference. We tried everything. I used to feel guilty because I loved it when they got ill and slept longer.

It might be partly personality, but I disagree that that's all it's down to. There are few children who never need any sort of disciplining at all, but I think there are fewer still who'd be resistant to any efforts. Most will fall in the middle- they'll need varying degrees of discipline but also a healthy lifestyle. Follow through with consequences, have strict boundaries, but also plenty of exercise, don't fill them with sugar, and regular bedtimes.

Personality notwithstanding, by the time you get to primary school it is usually fairly clear which children have parents that enforce consistent boundaries and model socially responsible behaviour, and which ones that don't. The ones who pander to strops and tantrums have whiny little kids who are unpleasant to their peers when they don't get their own way. The ones who ignore their child 95% of the time then erupt out of the blue have children who cannot control their temper. The ones who are engaged but firm with their children have children who are generally (not always, children are only human!) polite and good company.

@MyFloorIsLava

Personality notwithstanding, by the time you get to primary school it is usually fairly clear which children have parents that enforce consistent boundaries and model socially responsible behaviour, and which ones that don't. The ones who pander to strops and tantrums have whiny little kids who are unpleasant to their peers when they don't get their own way. The ones who ignore their child 95% of the time then erupt out of the blue have children who cannot control their temper. The ones who are engaged but firm with their children have children who are generally (not always, children are only human!) polite and good company.

As a teacher, I'd agree with this.

Observations and conversations with parents usually confirm it too. They don't always realise how much they're revealing in a candid discussion or when they're asking for support in dealing with their 'difficult' child.

With the exception of SN, it's always a parenting issue IME.

Some children are easier than others but they can all learn how to behave.

I would also like to know. 3 year old absolute angel. 18 month old the devil

I probably won’t be popular, but I never subscribed to the reward good behaviour, it was expected not rewarded.

And also followed through with warnings, for example, that behaviour isn’t acceptable so we will leave of it happens again, if it happens again, no negotiation or another 3 warnings, we just left or whatever the issue was removed from immediately.

I’d get so frustrated when you see kids acting up to then do something good for the reward, many know exactly what they are doing and you’d see the well behaved ones, especially on class reward charts often ignored for being decent human beings.

Any special needs aside of course but seems to have worked to date.

Swift one across the backside............

@CallMeRisley

I’m a teacher and use my teacher stare on my own kids Plus other teacher stuff like setting boundaries, being consistent, positive attention and praise.

Unfortunately DS2 totally quenches the effect by mirroring it on his own face which is far too similar to mine.

It turned out that DS1 was a hellbeast of a toddler because of ASD which wasn't diagnosed for many more years. It took years to identify many of his triggers and it's still ongoing.
He rubs off on DS2 who has quite a different character but certainly also isn't a child who can be told nicely once and everything is nipped in the bud. Sometimes reminding him of times such as when he had to brush his teeth in the school playground rather than making DS1 late too does help refocus him on his behaviour and consequences.

The difficulty I found with leaving early options was that it often was the outcome that DS1 desired anyway and he cottoned on that poor behaviour was rewarded by leaving. It was hard to read where his threshold on the optimum time to leave was as his mood would suddenly switch with little warning.

I got great use from reins. DS1 used to have to be clipped at his back into shopping trollies or he'd dive head first from the trolley seat. I can still hear the splat on concrete from one of the horribly high Costco trollies.

Today, less than 5 mins into going into a cafe, the 8yo has had to be taken outside and given a reminder about expected behaviour to nip some sibling squabling in the bud very early on, meanwhile the 10yo was getting a reminder from DH on the inside.

There are parents who are ineffective. There are also parents who try just about everything with game-changing children and who are bloody worn out at constantly having to actively parent and read their children and situations but keep plodding on with it.

While I know that hidden SNs are a factor with DS1, that's scant consolation when you've got a "normal" looking child emotionally acting younger than one would expect. I must have done something decent as they both function well at school and understand boundaries and I certainly didn't give up at the first hurdle. It just makes me laugh when people who have very compliant children and manage with very little effort think that people with much stronger willed children with a different agenda are doing it all wrong when they're actually putting far more work into getting the desired outcome.
I do agree with the "treat them like dogs" approach of lots of exercise* and well timed food though

*hence the reason we're struggling this summer as DS1 has an inner ear infection and is getting dizzy very easily when he's active and can't burn off the surplus energy

Firm boundaries, no waivering, no idle threats and always consequences for actions (positive and negative).

I think it's luck. I have one of each.