To those with well behaved children...

[hettysfeather]

What the hell is your secret?!

My (almost) three year old DS is feral. I spend so much time with him, get him involved in everything I do and we have a sticker chart. I praise him every time he displays a positive behaviour. He also gets rewards when he has been "good".

But he does not listen, he hits, bites and pinches when he doesn't get his way or he's cross. Runs around and away from me in the shop (I try to include him in shopping but he's not interested). Bed times are terrible, he will not stay in his bed or his room. I have tried the chair method, stroking him, comforters, the list goes on.

So, those with well behaved kids, how do you do it?!

I think a large part of it really is luck. Mine is 13 and so far has never really challenged me. He has always just been easy going, and more or less done as he was told. All you can do is keep being consistent and calm when he is losing it, and make sure he understands the rules, and boundaries. Toddlers are hard work though.

Luck.

And I’ve never presented a consequence made a threat that I wasn’t prepared to carry out. I did ignore tantrums, wait for them to calm down, but also left playgroups/cafes/treats unfinished so they have always known I mean what I say.

Set firm boundaries, give on the things that don't matter and give as much choice and independence as is appropriate. DD is almost 4 and mostly chooses what she wears to nursery. I veto anything totally weather inappropriate bit otherwise she can choose. Some days it's jeans and a t shirt, other days it's a brown dress with rainbow leggings, but it doesn't matter. Started this by giving her a choice of two acceptable outfits. Same goes with food, snacks, play time.

She knows some things she has choice on and other things are a mummy and daddy decision. We raise our voices when needed - she got overexcited a while ago and bit me. I shouted and immediately put her on the step. She had some time to calm down, we talked about why it was wrong and what we do instead. She apologised and gave me a cuddle, back to playing.

I'm not saying this works as mine are still crazy but I treat mine like dogs - they need a good walk every morning and every afternoon. Definitely improves behaviour to days when they haven't been out. Lots of good boy praise and most importantly bribery.

I'm a FTM and do believe there's a luck element. My 3 year old is good in shops, literally just stands there not touching anything and I get compliments on his manners and behaviour. I find involving him helps so at the green grocer's he gets to choose some of the fruit and veg and if it's quiet he likes helping to pay. We food shop 3 times a week and it's been like this since he was very young so I think the routine and normality of it is just ingrained into him. If he's had a good week he gets a bakery treat on a Friday.

At home he gets 2 warnings then if he gets one more it's a minute on the step of 'thinking time'. This is a pain in the arse because sometimes he just gets up and it's tiring sitting him back down and starting the minute again but he eventually gets the message.

I am forever telling him what a good boy I think he is and his much I love him. If he's naughty somewhere I threaten to take him home and mean it. He knows I mean business and that there are consequences if he is naughty.

I try to model through my behaviour his I want him to be. For example when his friend dropped her ice cream on the floor I gave her mine and explained what I was doing to ds. I know he's only 3 but some sort of message may have gone in, who knows!

I'm due another next year and am aware my next child may be far more challenging- we shall see!

Mine can be very difficult at home, especially the younger two who are twins and feed off each other/wind each other up. Getting them ready to go anywhere is a total nightmare as they will not go to the toilet, put shoes on etc.
They are usually pretty good once we are out and about though. In part this is because ds in particular is happiest outdoors and will amuse himself for ages with a stick or something. I also prepare them in advance for where we are going/what we will be doing and get them to suggest a rule each. They have got good at this now and suggest rules like not running off, holding hands to cross over, leaving the park (or wherever) when they are told to. This has really improved outings for us. Also making sure they have enough to eat!
I have also got into the habit of managing expectations e.g. we will not be buying anything in the gift shop/we will get ice creams but nothing else etc. This has cut down a lot of whining and tantrums.
Older dd is generally well behaved but this is definitely just luck!

One of my children was and still is like this. But beyond the behaviour....he is hilariously funny, super affectionate, intelligent and sensitive.

I wouldn't trade him

I should add that my other child is extremely well behaved, always does what he is told, but is also highly anxious, shy and overly quiet.

Can't win 'em all.

@allycat4

It's a difficult age but... I've always given mine genuine consequences. Once removed a stropping DS from a birthday party then and there.

This!

And following through on threats. I once had a screaming 3-year old asking for chocolate at the supermarket checkout. If said no. And he screamed and screamed and screamed. It would have been so, SO much easier (and less embarrassing!) to give in. But what would that teach? That would have taught the child to scream and scream and eventually I give in.

It is very easy to say "give consequences and stick to them" and much harder to put into practice. And some kids are easier than others. But there's no magic to well behaved children. It's just perseverance.

Hopefully your child is an angel outside of the home and only difficult with you? Most kids are!

A mix of luck and threats following up with punishment.
DS was a nightmare he is good mostly now excluding meltdowns but they're more sensory than bold behaviour.
Do you follow through on the naughty step etc.

Wouldn't bother my arse with stickers and rewards if I were you. Good behaviour should (generally speaking) be the default, not something to be rewarded for - otherwise where does it stop?

My two were fairly feral at your son's age. Consistent boundaries, never threaten anything you aren't prepared to carry out, lots of fresh air, exercise, being realistic about what behaviour they're capable of and how long for, don't let them get hangry, keep a good eye out for what triggers him and try to avoid. Like @HumbugWhale I try to manage expectations in advance. Your son's behaviour will improve as he gets older, have faith.

Also, just to add to my post, dd won't lick chocolate/wotsit dust off her fingers so is clearly an anomaly and I wouldn't expect any future children I might have to be like her!

I’m obviously nothing special but mine are behaved. I was a well behaved child myself though.

I don’t shout at my kids, so if I’m ever angry and do shout they practically freeze as know they have messed up big time as I never normally shout.
I suppose I just expect good behaviour and always have done from the off. My 5 year old takes her plates out to the kitchen, says please and thank you, although still has to be prompted. They are not naughty but my youngest did draw on her bedroom walls once, I hit the roof, threw out every single pen and pencil and now she isn’t allowed one at all unless she is at the dining room table, it’s the only place she is allowed to draw now, that was over a year ago and I imagine she will be at the dining table until she is 8 😂 I don’t trust her!

I think it's about 90% luck but that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do

I'd agree with what @PepsiHoover said prevention is key. Help him feel like he has lots of control over things and he will hopefully not object too much when you need him to behave. Give him his way all day on things that don't really matter what shirt do you want to wear, which chair do you want to sit in, do you want to put on the left shoe first or the right.

(We used to call it the Soprano method of parenting -- giving people under you 'the illusion of control' so that they behave : )

I also agree that three is old enough for consequences.

Personality and good enough parent.

Non-compliant DC are hard work even if you're an amazing parent because they are just not interested in doing what you ask.

Something useful I learnt in teacher training was to praise in detail. If you just say good boy/well done etc they don't know what it is they have done right so instead say, as enthusiastically as you can "you've got your shoes on! Now your coat" or "you are waiting really nicely for your turn" etc. This does actually work a lot of the time but it takes a while for it to become a habit and I do feel silly in public with my own dcs! Also when I'm tired at the end of the day I feel more like saying "just stop arsing around and put your effing shoes on". Have never actually said this out loud but often thought it

It's pure luck. I have one angel (literally the words of her teacher) and one completely feral. Parented the same.

I think a lot of it is down to temperament, but I use the techniques from 'How to talk so little kids will listen', and have seen a big improvement.

I also don’t tolerate tantrums, when we leave the park for instance, if they play up and moan then that’s it, we won’t be coming back again for them to play, I always carry out my threats. They know now that if I say it, I mean it.

We walk the dog to the park 3 times a week, they have not been allowed in before because they caused a fuss leaving before, they only ever did it once. Now I can call them out even only after 5 minutes and they do so without a fuss, but they know we will be back again in a couple of days as we walk the dog there. They normally play for about 30 minutes in the park but the odd time it is only 5.

Carrying out threats is key, but I don’t do threats that are gonna be a pain in the bum for me to ensure they do, for instance, we don’t do naughty step…..I’m not going to be taking them back and forth to it and timing them, way to much fuss and hard work for me

Just a note, I'd recommend the audio book because, if you're like me, you're never going to get chance to read the actual book, but you can listen to the audio book when cleaning etc.

They just get better behaved as they get older in my experience. Feral under the age of 8

I agree with others. There's some luck involved, my first was much easier than my second, but mostly it's fresh air, exercise, a good diet, keeping to a good sleep routine - and plenty of paitience and perseverance. Neither of mine was well behaved at three. I had many moments of frustration when it seemed like I was getting nowhere but by about 4/5 I'd say they were both well behaved (with the odd meltdown if over tired). You must follow through however hard it sometimes seems so avoid threatening anything you're not prepared to enforce. Both parents must also enforce the same rules and routines.

I honestly think it's personality. We have 4, a boy almost 12, girl 10, boy 8 and girl 3.
Eldest boy is hard work. Was a good baby though but then from age 2 had huge strops which he still has now and over reacts constantly. He is fiery but its generally shortlived. Very loving or very hateful. Very clever and mature in his thinking but quite emotionally mature
Eldest daughter was a difficult baby hardly slept but fantastic from then on in. So we'll behaved. Amused herself. Loving kind etc, made friends easily. Now she hits 10 the hormones have kicked in and she is very emotional and stroppy
Youngest son was a lovely baby. Happy and smiley slept quite well. Great eater. Very laid back. Cheeky and a bit naughty. Very cheeky and sporty and loving. Doesn't listen. Pushes his luck but again shortlived and apologies quickly and sincerely. Less academic wouldn't care if he never went to school again. Quite shy as he gets older
Youngest daughter. Very bossy and funny. Still doesn't sleep through the night at age 3! Very loving. Really quiet though at nursery
All different. Never had a biter thankfully and none of them have ever drawn on walls or anything like that. Not sure how
They all fight with one anither and moan and do sod all around the house. Quite lazy but all of them are so well behaved at school and nursery and parents evening is always a joy. That's the main thing
I do think people forget though. My parents never and have never babysat for more than the very odd hour here and there and see us for a few hours every couple of weeks usually late on a Sunday when we are trying to get sorted for the week ahead and are all tired and they think they're naughty. My dad always comments but they're really not. But my dad grew up being battered at home and at school so no wonder he was never cheeky!

I used to think it was mostly good parenting but I've since seen several families where one or more child has been challenging in direct comparison to their brilliantly behaved siblings. Some children are just harder to parent.

Trying lots of different strategies and identifying what works and modifying them to work best with each individual child. Getting to really understand your child and learn why they act the way they do.

I've used the same strategies with one child yet he responded completely differently to me than his other carer. Families can often 'help' by telling the story how you were just the same at that age and it's karma! They sometimes give good tips.

Persist with different strategies rather than give up after trying something once and calling it a failure.

The three Bs

Bribery
Blackmail
Bollockings (stern voice rather than Malcolm Tucker style swearfests. I save those for under my breath when they’re out of the room).