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Original poster

To those with well behaved children...

193 replies

hettysfeather · 31/08/2021 18:02

What the hell is your secret?!

My (almost) three year old DS is feral. I spend so much time with him, get him involved in everything I do and we have a sticker chart. I praise him every time he displays a positive behaviour. He also gets rewards when he has been "good".

But he does not listen, he hits, bites and pinches when he doesn't get his way or he's cross. Runs around and away from me in the shop (I try to include him in shopping but he's not interested). Bed times are terrible, he will not stay in his bed or his room. I have tried the chair method, stroking him, comforters, the list goes on.

So, those with well behaved kids, how do you do it?!

OP posts:
Tumbleweed101 · 31/08/2021 18:43

Mine were fairly good. A mix of involving them, allowing age appropriate choices, giving them 'jobs' and positive attention and firm consistent boundaries that all the adults in their lives stick to. Parents need to back eachother up. My youngest is my worse behaved and I've been a single parent since she was two. There is a noticeable difference in the way she behaves, which is interesting (and annoying!).

itsgettingwierd · 31/08/2021 18:44

Luck I think!

Everyone always asked me how I got my ds to follow the rules without question from day dot.

Turns out he's autistic! It's just innate in him and unsurprisingly to me had nothing to do with me being some kind of child whisperer Wink

Children with form and consistent boundaries tend to do better in life even if some take longer to get it. Sounds like your doing great with that so my advice would be to continue what you're doing even if it feels like it's not working right now.

Maybeyesno · 31/08/2021 18:44

Personality, luck, routine, dc knowing expectations, consistency, consequences, follow through with consequences, not over stimulating dc, enough sleep, don't let them get hungry, pick your battles, praise, plenty of attention, say no sometimes, encourage entertaining self, .... There's too many variables, the list goes on.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families
Agadorsparticus · 31/08/2021 18:44

@daysofmuffins

Be firm, but fair. Show them boundaries. Don't be afraid to raise your voice (never nastily) sometimes when necessary. Overall be nice and demonstrate good behaviour yourself. But the age is a lot to do with it, 3 year olds are never easy!
This. I was always firm with mine. Strict boundaries and consequences and stuck to them. I was never afraid to take them home when they played up. Communication and prior warning to things where they might kick off. I'd give 15 /10 / 5 minute warnings to bedtime or leaving the house so they have time to mentally adjust to change. Minor choices too, the brown shoes or the black shoes? They have a little control over something that is not overly important, as long as they wear shoes. Honestly I found 3 more difficult than 2 and they are little and still learning.
rubbletrouble · 31/08/2021 18:46

I find consistency is key. The rules are the rules, end of.

Always follow out your consequences if you don't, they know they don't have to listen to you.

Listen to them, down at their level , why are they so frustrated. I found sometimes my son just wanted to be listen to and explain why "it" can't happen

Ensure they know what's expected of them, clear instruction.

Give them time to get ready properly, we are leaving after that game,programme, song, when the big hand reaches 6
Telling them we are leaving in 10 minutes is pointless, they have no concept of time, they need a tangible point.

Quitelikeacatslife · 31/08/2021 18:47

If you ever get chance to do a family links parenting course I wish I had done it sooner, loads of good ideas. Dealing with specific issues and general stuff like setting consequences etc . I did it through DC primary school but local authorities do it too.

Agadorsparticus · 31/08/2021 18:49

Even though my post seems a little strict, I did also go overboard on the praise too when they behaved well.

MakkaPakkas · 31/08/2021 18:50

In this order:

  1. luck

  2. easy developmental stage

  3. mobile prison for the under 4s (pushchair)

  4. threats & bribery

wizzywig · 31/08/2021 18:51

Keep to whatever punishment you put forward. So they know you mean business. Prepare to be unpopular and get sweaty and a few bruises sometimes when they kick you

AnUnlikelyCombination · 31/08/2021 18:53

Keep doing what you’re doing. A mix of genuine listening and adapting, routine with plenty of sleep and food, clear boundaries and consequences, plus a decent dollop of luck has worked for us, so far.

I do think a lot of it is luck, but while you can’t fundamentally change your DC, I think you can mould them a bit. But it takes years of boring consistency.

Flipthatpancakehighboy · 31/08/2021 18:55

Same…! 3 year old Dd, nutcase

Ostryga · 31/08/2021 18:55

Dd was a total shitbag when she was 3. I honestly used to get home and cry because she was so often just impossible.

Happy to report at 4.5 it’s SO much better and I actually like her now Grin

Lots of positive reinforcement. Basically being ott when she’s being good and ignoring her when she’s not. She still has her moments (as do I!) but I does get better

Bumpsadaisie · 31/08/2021 18:55

He won't be like this when he is 10.

Aim for emotional containment, empathy and warmth - mixed with firmness and authoritative boundaries.

We were at an activity local to us today. A family were there with their 6 and four year old-ish sons. The four year old was whining and stropping and upset and starting fights with his brother. At times he went back on the activity (which to be fair was quite daunting for a four year old so hats off to him).

When the boys were not in earshot the mum was almost in tears and talking to her DH - saying I just don't know what to do with him, its constant, can't cope with him, where have we gone wrong!

My son came over with his friend - they are now 10 - but I remembered a particularly grim time at this activity when he was three or four - he howled and moaned and wouldnt try it out and bated his elder sister and all the rest of it.

Today I literally just sat there totally undisturbed with my book and coffee while the boys and elder sister and her friends enjoyed the activity for a couple of hours.

I wanted to hug the woman and reassure her about her youngest - he is three or four! He won't be like this for ever and you are not a terrible mum who has done a bad job. He just needs time to develop.

Antinerak · 31/08/2021 18:56

Talk to them in a way they understand
Learn that tantrums and outbursts are calls for attention- and give them attention
Find a good balance between rules and structure- you can be strict without them knowing
Praise and rewards for good behaviour and bad behaviour turned good
If they're upset, give them options to explain why they're upset and relate with them (e.g. 'I don't like loud noises either, they make me sad too')

All children are different, don't compare them or expect them to like the same as each other.

Charbead49 · 31/08/2021 18:57

I have 3 and all very different, same rules boundaries etc etc.

I will say that there is a lot of material out there on why reward charts do not work. Maybe try some different methods?

Tistheseason17 · 31/08/2021 18:57

First was easy. Second... I did a LOT of reading.
Consequences that I had to follow through on even if they hurt me (cancelling play date or soft play) was key.
Also, letting them tantrum and then being there to hold and cuddle them as it is just their emotions that they simply cannot manage at that age (and still cannot when older)
And talking quieter in a low tone of voice when they scream - this is difficult as I really want to shout back sometimes! But I cannot tell them off for shouting if I am doing it, too.
and LUCK - and keep snacks with you as they get hangry!

Bumpsadaisie · 31/08/2021 18:58

Also - every time your son is kicking off and making everyones life miserable, and you meet it with kind firmness - you are creating a little store of that inside him.

When that store is big enough, he will be able to manage himself much better.

Each strop now that you can deal with appropriately is another contribution to his internal self-regulation store!

idontlikealdi · 31/08/2021 18:59

Luck mostly but I'm also pretty strict. I've got twins and had to be strict when they were that age so they didn't seriously injure themselves or each other.

Jeffjefftyjeff · 31/08/2021 19:06

I think it’s a good bit to do with luck. DS was a delight as a toddler - all perky ‘ok daddy!’ And doing whatever we asked. He had erratic bedtimes and mealtimes (we travelled a lot due to work), I’m quite shouty, he ate lots of the ‘wrong’ food etc etc. We basically probably did everything ‘wrong’. He was a nightmare as a baby though. Howled all day every day. So take the rough with the smooth I guess

ohnonotyetplease · 31/08/2021 19:07

Bumpsadaisie - I love how you put that about the 'store' ... Super encouraging for a toddler-wrangler, thanks!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 31/08/2021 19:07

Mostly luck! And honestly 3 is tough. Once they reach school age they get easier. I now have teens / young adults and they’re great. But the toddler years were a slog. I’d say routine and consistency helps, a calm non chaotic household (not always possible for everyone in every situation) and a zero tolerance approach to violence.

CrotchetyQuaver · 31/08/2021 19:07

Distractions if you see the signs they're about to kick off.
Keep them amused if out eg small toy, game etc
If they're bolting and acting feral then they need to be contained either on reins or pushchair. Act like a baby, then we need to treat you like a baby etc.
It's consistency at all times and they have to know you'll follow through on your threats of what will happen if you don't. Yes even if that means going home if they don't behave like the poster above at the party. Mum and dad must present a united front to the child at all times (disagreements over how to handle things out of earshot)
Praise good behaviour and Talk to them all the time.
It's hard, but all the effort you put in now into taming the little monster will reap dividends later on.

ThePersonFromPorlock · 31/08/2021 19:08

My eldest DS was good as gold at that age. A little bit of resistance as he tested boundaries and occasional issues with - ahem - volume, but overall eager to please and biddable.

DS2 was a whole different story. Running away, shouting at me, disappearing when I went into another room to grab something and generally just out and out saying 'no' to every-sodding-thing.

They are still the same. DS1 is a gentle soul and pretty well behaved. DS2 is like someone who has been fired out of a canon - rebounding off every surface and yelling a lot. He is not like this in school - in fact he is much quieter than DS1 in school - so nobody believes me! So, in my limited experience, it is personality and luck!

hiredandsqueak · 31/08/2021 19:11

I suspect it's mostly luck and the child's personality. Mine were well behaved without much effort from me tbh whereas dsis worked like a trojan and dn was a nightmare from the off and is still difficult now as an adult. Dgs is much the same although dd works really hard at making sure he behaves as well from what I see.

ThePersonFromPorlock · 31/08/2021 19:12

Oh, not a canon - that'd be weird. A cannon!!