To those with well behaved children...

[hettysfeather]

What the hell is your secret?!

My (almost) three year old DS is feral. I spend so much time with him, get him involved in everything I do and we have a sticker chart. I praise him every time he displays a positive behaviour. He also gets rewards when he has been "good".

But he does not listen, he hits, bites and pinches when he doesn't get his way or he's cross. Runs around and away from me in the shop (I try to include him in shopping but he's not interested). Bed times are terrible, he will not stay in his bed or his room. I have tried the chair method, stroking him, comforters, the list goes on.

So, those with well behaved kids, how do you do it?!

A lot is innate personality I think. My eldest was really really challenging ( now has an ADHD diagnosis). I love him but he seriously tests me. My youngest is just generally pretty easy going, sunny and most of the time very kind and well behaved. Also all those things people suggest worked with the youngest to my surprise!

Try not to be too hard on yourself or compare to other children. I really felt like the worst parent when I just had my eldest.

I always swore by ‘How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk’.

Pah, never worked on my kids, I tried the suggested way of framing things and it did not work on changing my DCs behaviour, they are far too strong willed. Thankfully they are engaged and hard working at school so we've got something right.

Agree with PPs that it's inate personality. My three are very different to each other despite growing up in the same household and all have been difficult at different ages and delightful at different ages. And as parents we all have different strengths and weaknesses that have an impact as well but most of us are good enough parents. What will work on an essentially compliant child will not work on astrong willed child but being easy going and compliant might be great in a toddler but is not so good in a teenager, whereas those strong willed focused children that can be nightmare when they are young come into their own if they are strong willed and focused on their school work and ambitions.

I waited for them to turn 4

I always thought there was the under 5s that can be a bit feral then there was a nice gap where they were lovely/reasonable. Then they hit teen feral

3 year olds are awful. I just ignored mine for a few years and they’re quite nice now

3DC here, all daughters.

Eldest - very quiet, shy toddler. Never had a tantrum in her life until she hit puberty.

Middle - wild child, in an hilarious way. No tantrums.

Youngest - shat from the bowels of Satan himself from birth to 5.

One thing that really puzzles me is kids running amok.
Doesn't anyone use reins anymore? Could be a life-saver if they stop kids running away into traffic.

its just genetics. DS1 an utter nightmare
DS2 sweet, charming and loveable.

Same parents and environment.

Luck, boundaries and consequences (and some judicious rewards - 'If you let me concentrate in the bank, we'll be finished faster, and might have time to...[fill in tempting activity]').

One of mine was an out-and-out nightmare: I had a three strikes and you're out rule at playgroup, and she lasted 16 minutes one memorable morning until I carried her out screaming, arms and legs going like pistons). The others... Bloody doddle by comparison.

Parenting definitely has a part to play. They need to know that actions have consequences and that you mean what you say. Their teachers will thank you, believe me.

Definitely luck. DS was just always so good for us, never gave us any trouble, never had a tantrum. Absolutely nothing to do with our parenting, it was just his personality.

I was a shy, quiet, well behaved child who was eager to please and I feel that I’ve missed out on a lot of fun stuff in my life by being so bloody sensible. Married a man the complete opposite of me and 3yo DD has taken after him- she’s clever, funny, supremely confident and WILL NOT DO ANYTHING I ASK HER. I’ve yet to decide whether this is a good thing or not.

Oh the toddler years are hell and hard work but it passes, my DS ran off, never slept, kicked sometimes although never at nursery or school and did other crazy stuff. This passed and although he's had his moments he's been a dream really and at nearly 13 he's just lovely. Terrible toddler, lovely teen?

@rubbletrouble

I find consistency is key. The rules are the rules, end of.

Always follow out your consequences if you don't, they know they don't have to listen to you.

Listen to them, down at their level , why are they so frustrated. I found sometimes my son just wanted to be listen to and explain why "it" can't happen

Ensure they know what's expected of them, clear instruction.

Give them time to get ready properly, we are leaving after that game,programme, song, when the big hand reaches 6
Telling them we are leaving in 10 minutes is pointless, they have no concept of time, they need a tangible point.

DH and I do all of this. Very consistent, clear expectations, follow through with consequences etc

Still feral.

Luck mainly I think.

My eldest child was very well behaved and compliant naturally; my youngest was a bit more work but I found natural consequences ("we won't have time to go to the park if you don't put your shoes on now"), following through and consistency, even when inconvenient, were the answers for me.

She's now 15 and our biggest clashes are her not cleaning the kitchen after a baking session. She's dyed her hair bright pink and got a friend to pierce her nose/ears but those are the things that teenagers should be doing so I'm not too fussed about that.

Neither of them have ever been in trouble at school or anywhere else and I've always had glowing reports on their behaviour and maturity. But a lot of it is luck.

The best advice I ever had was when my daughter was 1 and her brother was 8 and I was telling someone how different they were. She said that the key to successful parenting was parenting the child you have and not the one you wanted or thought you'd get. Such wise words and made me feel OK about the fact they've always been treated fairly but not always the same.

I have 2 well behaved DC. 3.5yrs and 2.5yrs

I'm surprised by how many parents are suffering with bad behaviour

No biting or slapping or anything like that in our home. What are you saying/doing when your child does that??!
Once DC1 hit me in frustration and she was told it was completely unacceptable. It's never happened again although she does get tempted sometimes!

Never need to use reins or anything with my DC. I ask them to hold my hand when in a busy environment or crossing the road, and they do 🤷🏼‍♀️

We've never had a problem with bedtime. We read them a story then they go to sleep. They sleep through and wake up around 7.30. Both of them!

I take mine to posh restaurants, and all over the place. They know how to conduct themselves in public. If they have a tantrum, say in the supermarket aisle, they are left to it as I continue shopping. They quickly realise they're not going to get a reaction out of me and stop tantrumming. Once they're calm, their feelings are validated.

I'm a pretty relaxed parent and give me DC loads of freedom. In return, I think they're well behaved because they know the boundaries.

It could also just be luck!

Following my 2.5 year old is actually a devil. I thought my older DC was tricky at this age, nope, walk in the compared compared with The Toddler Troll. Older DC is 5 and I would say semi well behaved but loud, feral and fidgety. And whiney. Tips welcome.

It’s luck. I just wish all of mine were well behaved and polite because the two that aren’t look even worse compared to the one who is exceptionally so.

My 3yo is not perfect but I have started to notice he is much better at regulating his emotions, talking about them and calming down than other kids his age. He very rarely needs telling off in public. At home he's not so good and with his younger sister he's not great, but in general I'd say he's doing well for his age. He's never really bitten and tantrums even at 2 were very short lived. I'm sure some of it is luck but I don't think it all is. I absolutely swear by Janet Lansbury's approach of validating their feelings, setting boundaries and expectation but not punishing or shaming. Highly recommend her podcast.

Mine have always been good, when I need them to be. They have never been at all aggressive or rude. I grew up in a different culture and think that the parenting style we pretty much all use works. I now teach parenting to high net worth individuals and they can't believe how strict I tell them to be, and how well it works. Once the behaviour is established you don't even need to be strict, just reinforce it all the time.

@Covidiom

I was a shy, quiet, well behaved child who was eager to please and I feel that I’ve missed out on a lot of fun stuff in my life by being so bloody sensible. Married a man the complete opposite of me and 3yo DD has taken after him- she’s clever, funny, supremely confident and WILL NOT DO ANYTHING I ASK HER. I’ve yet to decide whether this is a good thing or not.

I tried for years to encourage eldest very well behaved child to find his rebellious side. He's now 23 and there's no sign of it still!

My youngest is more willful. I've tried to manage her without squashing it and decided it's what'll see her through life!

Having very high standards of behaviour i.e. please and thank you, sharing, no backtalk, no physical violence, from an extremely young age. Using timeout consistently when they dont do as told. Returning them to time out if they leave it, 100 times if necessary (thanks supernanny). Letting them cry on timeout and not addressing until going to get them. Ensuring they say sorry and mean it before timeout is finished, then giving cuddle. Giving attention and praise when doing well. 1 hour of exercise or more per day. Not getting emotional but using timeout for everything. That has worked for DD and stopped her having big tantrums she used to have. It is also working for DSS who has some very poorly behaved role models elsewhere. Although we are very strict on behaviour we allow almost complete freedom in terms of their activities and give them a lot of free play time, they can choose when they go in the bath for instance or do painting on their own. They know they are respected and not micromanaged.

One thing we have a real problem with is picky eating. I have to learn to crack that one. Not to hijack thread but any advice welcome!

I’ll probably get slaughtered for being “alternative” but my youngest was out of control as a 3 year old. I took him to a physio who specialised in “retained primitive reflex” and who gave him a lot of “cross pattern” exercises to do. He calmed down whenever he did the exercises and the difference within a week or two was incredible.

It could just have been coincidence, but I was glad we did it.

Study and info

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it’s purely luck, people often comment on how well behaved DD is but the flip side to that is she is very shy and nervous so I’m worried she’s going to be bullied by other kids when she gets to school because she won’t stand up for herself or that she’ll get ignored because the teachers will be spending time on the disruptive kids. To be honest I’d love her to be a bit naughty, just sometimes.

90% luck and 10% me. If he's upset about not getting the right cup, I just give him the cup. If he's been colouring on the walls, I take away all pens/pencils/crayons. I repeat myself ad infinitum, in the hopes that he'll eventually turn into a well trained human. It's more or less working.

Dunno, I have an angelic well behaved Dc1 but dcs 2 and 3 are feral for sure. It's like I got worse at parenting with time. Either that or luck.