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Original poster

To those with well behaved children...

193 replies

hettysfeather · 31/08/2021 18:02

What the hell is your secret?!

My (almost) three year old DS is feral. I spend so much time with him, get him involved in everything I do and we have a sticker chart. I praise him every time he displays a positive behaviour. He also gets rewards when he has been "good".

But he does not listen, he hits, bites and pinches when he doesn't get his way or he's cross. Runs around and away from me in the shop (I try to include him in shopping but he's not interested). Bed times are terrible, he will not stay in his bed or his room. I have tried the chair method, stroking him, comforters, the list goes on.

So, those with well behaved kids, how do you do it?!

OP posts:
Bellagonna · 31/08/2021 19:48

Lean into it when appropriate and learn to laugh. If he runs away, pretend to be a dinosaur and chase him

ididitsocanyou · 31/08/2021 19:50

Mine have as ways behaved impeccably but I’m not sure it’s down to us (me and DH). They were quite reserved. One thing I never did however is react to a tantrum. I would just look at them and wait for them to finish. We never shout at them. There’s just no need to shout at kids as it just encourages them to shout back anyway. I think to be really honest though is that they just copy what they see. Me and DH behave politely and respectfully with everyone , we have always told our kids to consider people around them, so that’s the tone we’ve set. That sounds obvious but I have a lot of mates who walk around like they own the place and then wonder why their kids are little shits.

ididitsocanyou · 31/08/2021 19:54

On the eating front, just cook the dinner and make the whole family eat the same. Don’t compromise. My DS used to spit his food out when he was two. He didn’t like anything. I persevered and now he’s 13 he eats everything. Same as my Dd. Just remember that no kids living in Greenland refuse to eat fish. If that’s all they’ve got, they’ll learn to like it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families
LlamaofDrama · 31/08/2021 19:58

Luck. Pure and simple. She's now 11 and I'm assuming the luck will run out pretty soon!

AcrossthePond55 · 31/08/2021 20:01

Mine are in their 30s now and turned out great so I guess nothing I did 'damaged' them beyond repair.

IMHO it was consistency and carry-through. No meant no and consequences happened. I didn't waste time on extended 'reasoning' with them to get them to comply and explanations came after compliance.

If I said 'You have until the count of 3 to stop XXX' they knew it meant stop it right now and I very rarely got to 3. If they didn't stop it meant time out, loss of privilege, or loss of a toy or similar, every time. Then we'd sit down and talk about why XXX wasn't a good idea. It wasn't 'explain to get compliance', it was 'comply and then I'll explain'. Was there a learning curve for them? Yes. Did I ever make a mistake? Sure, and I would apologize to them and make it right.

DS1 was pretty easy as he was always a reasonable child. DS2 was a little harder as he was one to act first, think later. But the same method worked with both of them.

riotlady · 31/08/2021 20:01

I don’t have a hugely well behaved child, I have a fairly feral one (she got in trouble at nursery the other day for licking all the other children’s knives and forks!?!) but I have a few coping methods. I prioritise what really matters and am strict on that, and let other stuff go. Hitting, biting etc means an instant time out, and she’s gotten a lot better with it. We talk a lot about what we’re going to do and what the expectations are (“we’re going to get out into the car park where there’s lots of cars, so you need to hold mummy’s hand all the way until we get inside”) and then praise her like mad for following them.

I also try and make things as fun as possible. I’ve trained her to run into my arms when I sing the song from Dirty Dancing, and I lift her above my head and she thinks it’s hilarious. Means I can get her to run to me if I need to without getting cross and shouty, although I do look like a bit of a nutter so I try to mostly use it in the house!

MintyGreenDream · 31/08/2021 20:03

3 is an awkward age for sure.

Ds is 7 now and is pretty well behaved.I think it's just personality tbh but he's an only so can't irritate or argue with a sibling so it seems fairly calm in the house.

Unsure1983 · 31/08/2021 20:06

It wasn't 'explain to get compliance', it was 'comply and then I'll explain'.

This is such a good explanation.

CallMeRisley · 31/08/2021 20:06

I’m a teacher and use my teacher stare on my own kids Grin Plus other teacher stuff like setting boundaries, being consistent, positive attention and praise.

huuskymam · 31/08/2021 20:06

Honestly I think most kids that age are a bit feral, those that aren't are the quiet kids. My daughter was a dream, my boys the opposite. The 3-5 years are so much harder than any phase I've been through. Plenty of time outs, keep them busy with lots of running around to tire them out. But the teenage years are also sooooo trying.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 31/08/2021 20:06

DD is just good so I think alot of it is temperament, we have a very calm house as its just the two of us.

When she was that age just before we went anywhere ie a shop, theatre or cafe I would bend down to her level and clearly layout my expectations, not "be good" that's too wooly but what 'be good' actually meant in that situation. In a shop it would be 'you need to stand by my side / hold my hand', 'you need to speak with your indoor voice', 'you mustn't touch things on the shelves' etc. When we went to theatre shows I would remind her she had to sit quietly and still In her seat but we would get ice cream 1/2 way through. If it was a pantomime then I would tell her it was OK to shout out etc. The only time this didn't work we were seeing Wicked when she was about 7 and she squirmed all the way through the first act. Turned out the seat was super itchy on her legs as she had shorts on but she didn't want to talk to tell me.

The only time that was difficult was bedtime, she could sleep on her own and did when she stayed with family but with me she just wouldn't so we coslept and I coslept until she was 10, then suddenly one day she was too old for that and has slept in her own bed ever since and I got my evenings back. She's 12 now and just came in to tell me she was tired and going to bed and off she popped.

However whilst parenting Dd has been incredibly easy I sometimes wished she had some of that boisterous confidence and get up and go as socially she doesn't tend to put herself forward preferring her own company.

DisappointingAvocado · 31/08/2021 20:07

Quite shocked by how much fixed mindset there is on this thread. So many seem to think it's entirely down to luck and their parenting has nothing to do with their child's behaviour. Really? Why would you bother to put any effort into your parenting if you genuinely believed that it had no influence? Is that what's actually happening? People deciding their three year olds' behaviour is already decided so they give up disciplining? I've witnessed this amongst friends but I have to say I'm flabbergasted and disheartened it seems so widespread.

huuskymam · 31/08/2021 20:07

@Hungry675tf

Mine is also feral. Yesterday I thought I could take him into a shop for two minutes whilst I returned an item. Usually I put him in the pram because he is a runner. He had lulled me I to a false sense of security and immediately began running away, hiding, laughing, pulling things off shelves. He was thrilled with himself. It was awful.
I'm sorry, I do feel your pain but this cracked me up 😂😂
HumbugWhale · 31/08/2021 20:07

Something else that is working well at the moment is ignoring the child behaving badly (provided they are safe and not hurting anyone or breaking anything) and focusing attention on those who are doing the right thing. E.g. this morning both dds were ready to go out whilst ds was face down on the floor refusing to out his shoes on. I called his bluff a bit and left him there (he was safe and calm) while I put the girls in the car. By the time I had strapped them in he was standing on the drive with his shoes on. I just breezily said "oh good you're ready" and got him in the car too. It was better than the big scene there would have been if I'd kept on at him to get ready although I have no idea what I would have done next if he hadn't co-operated!

NerdyBird · 31/08/2021 20:07

@UserNameNameNameUser what sort of improvements did you see? I was thinking of this type of therapy when DD was 5 and a half but went with something else in the end, that was scuppered by lockdown. I was thinking about it again this morning, so your post struck a chord!

Unsure1983 · 31/08/2021 20:08

@ididitsocanyou

'On the eating front, just cook the dinner and make the whole family eat the same. Don’t compromise. My DS used to spit his food out when he was two. He didn’t like anything. I persevered and now he’s 13 he eats everything. Same as my Dd. Just remember that no kids living in Greenland refuse to eat fish. If that’s all they’ve got, they’ll learn to like it.'

This is what Im leaning towards I am just concerned about sending them to bed without food. However I need to nip this in the bud asap.

Montyman1 · 31/08/2021 20:08

I have one fantastic well behaved child…..she is nearly 11 but has been just a brilliant, mannerly and polite child since she could talk. I also have a pup of an almost 5 year old, he just does not give a monkeys about doing what he is told, and bedtime? What’s that?? He will not sleep in his own bed….our parenting was/is the same for both, I have absolutely no idea what happened differently bar one being male and one being female 🤷‍♀️

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 31/08/2021 20:08

Also developing a good Paddington bear stare or in my case raising an eyebrow. I've never shouted at Dd but a raised eyebrow did wonders when she was going to misbehave. I don't know what she thought would happen if she carried on but as soon as she got a raised eyebrow she'd stop.

Unsure1983 · 31/08/2021 20:09

@HumbugWhale id have carried him honestly

Unsure1983 · 31/08/2021 20:10

Quite shocked by how much fixed mindset there is on this thread. So many seem to think it's entirely down to luck and their parenting has nothing to do with their child's behaviour. Really? Why would you bother to put any effort into your parenting if you genuinely believed that it had no influence? Is that what's actually happening? People deciding their three year olds' behaviour is already decided so they give up disciplining? I've witnessed this amongst friends but I have to say I'm flabbergasted and disheartened it seems so widespread.
Agreed. One episode of supernanny will also show it is not at all true.

ufucoffee · 31/08/2021 20:16

2 and 3 is a hard for everyone. No 2 or 3 year old is well behaved all the time. One thing I found helped was telling mine where we were going, what we would be doing and what I expected of them. 'You're going to hold my hand' you can look at things in the shop with your eyes but not with your hands' etc etc. Also any threat made due to bad behaviour must always be followed through. Never go back on your word. Just some things I found that helped me. 4 upwards is much much easier. No more tantrums. Good luck.

Tataru · 31/08/2021 20:18

@DisappointingAvocado

Quite shocked by how much fixed mindset there is on this thread. So many seem to think it's entirely down to luck and their parenting has nothing to do with their child's behaviour. Really? Why would you bother to put any effort into your parenting if you genuinely believed that it had no influence? Is that what's actually happening? People deciding their three year olds' behaviour is already decided so they give up disciplining? I've witnessed this amongst friends but I have to say I'm flabbergasted and disheartened it seems so widespread.
Well mostly it isn't 'bad behaviour' at that age. You can avoid conflict and try to reduce the amount of tantrums and things, but it's normal toddler behaviour on a normal spectrum. 'Disciplining' 3yos doesn't really work, not in a meaningful way. You can bribe them or blackmail them, but that's not really teaching anything, it's just management so you can get out of the house or get on with your day (and sometimes we just need that to get on with life!). And it's hugely due to child temperament how easy toddler behaviours are to manage or what parenting technique works the best, hence why you have people bring up two children the same with totally different results.

I think if you believe that 3yos really need discipline then you're already on the wrong track. They need boundaries, respect, understanding, patience, and for parents to know that a lot of their behaviours they still can't control. There's a book called How Toddlers Thrive that talks a lot about what's actually going in in the brains of toddlers and how things we think of as 'bad' behaviour are really just their brains lacking the capacity for impulse control, etc.

So yes, parenting is important, but child temperament and just toddler brain development plays a massive part in how easy your child is to manage and how easy it is to avoid or defuse conflict. Mostly, young toddlers are not being purposefully naughty - there are usually reasons behind their behaviour and sometimes it's up to us to work out what those are, even if it's just that a number of things have happened and they've 'run out of spoons'.

UserNameNameNameUser · 31/08/2021 20:20

@DisappointingAvocado

Quite shocked by how much fixed mindset there is on this thread. So many seem to think it's entirely down to luck and their parenting has nothing to do with their child's behaviour. Really? Why would you bother to put any effort into your parenting if you genuinely believed that it had no influence? Is that what's actually happening? People deciding their three year olds' behaviour is already decided so they give up disciplining? I've witnessed this amongst friends but I have to say I'm flabbergasted and disheartened it seems so widespread.
(I think mostly people are being modest Wink)
SunbathingDragon · 31/08/2021 20:21

@DisappointingAvocado

Quite shocked by how much fixed mindset there is on this thread. So many seem to think it's entirely down to luck and their parenting has nothing to do with their child's behaviour. Really? Why would you bother to put any effort into your parenting if you genuinely believed that it had no influence? Is that what's actually happening? People deciding their three year olds' behaviour is already decided so they give up disciplining? I've witnessed this amongst friends but I have to say I'm flabbergasted and disheartened it seems so widespread.
It’s probably because lots of people have more than one child and realise that despite being parented in the same way, they don’t all grow up the same.
vixeyann · 31/08/2021 20:22

Probably a lot of luck! Mine is brilliant at 8 but I have always been firm with him and made sure that he is outside as much as possible and loves to walk and run. 3 is a difficult age with all that boundary pushing, then suddenly they even out.