Relationship ended but not what I want :(

[ccat1901]

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

I think I’ll have to be out as well OP.

It is heartbreaking enough that he is doing this to you. It is worse you watching it happen.

He is placating you like he would a child.

If he loved you at all he wouldn’t be doing this. Not when you clearly want more.

I think he is trying to make YOU end the relationship because it is all about how he appears on the outside. The meetings with friends and family. The ones he expects you to go to even though he has tipped your world upside down?

The happy families?

He is setting the victim scene flower.

And you’ll be the bad one when you leave ‘as he never saw it coming’.
And neither will your friends and family because you are pasting on a smile and helping set his scene for him.

I wish all the best for you.

But your unhappiness bleeds out in your posts.

Your happiness does not lie with him.

[quote ccat1901]@StormTreader maybe I am, I’m just re reading the letter which says he wants us to spend more quality time together than we did, and come out of this closer than before.[/quote]
Of FFS, @ccat1901, don't be such a mug!!

Put on your Big Girl's Pants and tell him to get to the Far Site Of Fucks!!!

And lots of

[quote ccat1901]@StormTreader maybe I am, I’m just re reading the letter which says he wants us to spend more quality time together than we did, and come out of this closer than before.[/quote]
It’s very sad that you are still clinging to hope and believe him to be sincere when to everyone else he’s clearly a revolting specimen who is playing you for a fool.

The clincher for me would be if he wanted, and would have sex, with another person whilst still doing what he's proposing?

If he's happy with the relationship, but without sex and is happy to not sleep with anyone else then it's a very different ask than if he wants the relationship but will be having sex with other people

What he is offering is totally fine if BOTH parties want it.
But you so desperately clearly don’t want it.

There is lies the only problem in this. You’re being forced into a false situation that you don’t really want. That will DAMAGE YOU

There in

We are going to his mums for dinner on Friday night and I asked if he would tell her and he immediately said no!! Part of the issue is that we have made a stable place not only for my children but his daughter too. Her mums life is chaotic and unsettled at best and my ex’s mum always says how wonderful I am and what a good environment for her grandchild.
Today I see he is feeling sad ☹️, I know most on here will be glad to hear that but it’s hard to see. I’m one way I want to chat with him to see how he is really doing but part of me thinks he will want to move into the garden room and I so don’t ex t the kids to see that

It's ALL on his terms isn't it.

Who knows
How you socialise
What you can and can't do as part of your relationship together

I thought initially he was being very open and honest, but actually I'm thinking he's selfish and controlling now. The bit about not telling his Mum, whyever not, if it's good enough for you, then why isn't it good enough to tell people. I suspect it's because he knows his mum will see it as him being selfish and wrong and give him a telling off.

He wants to keep it as your little secret

[quote ccat1901]@Marni83 yes I see what you mean, but I still don’t get it, being closer and wanting to try new things together is like it’s a trial to see if it can change without the pressure of sex[/quote]
Lovely, it isn't that at all. He wants to keep you as a home help and childminder and have sex elsewhere. He's already sown that seed. I agree with the poster who says he would like you to end it so he can paint on his victim face and tell everybody you're "crazy". It's standard. I've been there

[quote ccat1901]@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey That’s what he says. Everything stay the same, become closer, go to gym together try yoga, but have split[/quote]
But he didn't say he wouldn't date someone else, he said that if he dated someone else who didn't understand he lived with his 'best mate' who happened to be an ex, he wouldn't want to date them anymore.

He doesn't want an exclusive, monogamous relationship just minus the sex. He wants to be single and live with you.

He is manipulating you by making those sound like the same thing, just as if just removing the sex from a relationship is the same as ending a relationship. They're totally different things.

He wants to have the best bits of his current relationship with you, without having the commitment or monogamy of being in an actual relationship with you.

This is going to destroy you if you let it happen. And he'll do the whole 'well I was clear about not wanting to be a couple' which in fairness is true.

Don't let the fact you're desperate for it to be different create cognitive dissonance to the point you half convince yourself you're ok with it. You aren't and you won't ever be ok with this because you aren't on the same page at all.

He is being so cruel.

"He doesn't want an exclusive, monogamous relationship just minus the sex. He wants to be single and live with you."

Except he's very keen to not tell anyone, no doubt because they'd be horrified at what he's proposing for your sake.
What he wants is a full green card to have affairs in front of your face while having all the domestic settled homelife of a relationship.

He said he’s not looking for anyone and hasn’t been , although most on here think he is lying - it’s tough because he has always been honest before, even when he lost money on a gambling site (using his credit card or joint money)

@StormTreader

"He doesn't want an exclusive, monogamous relationship just minus the sex. He wants to be single and live with you."

Except he's very keen to not tell anyone, no doubt because they'd be horrified at what he's proposing for your sake.
What he wants is a full green card to have affairs in front of your face while having all the domestic settled homelife of a relationship.

Absolutely agree with this. He wants to be single (for now) and live with OP. And that single status won't change by getting back together with OP, it'll change by him meeting someone he does want to be in a relationship with. Then he will go from pretend best friend to nasty like selfish dicks like him always do.

Poor OP, he's being so cruel to her.

@ccat1901

We are going to his mums for dinner on Friday night and I asked if he would tell her and he immediately said no!! Part of the issue is that we have made a stable place not only for my children but his daughter too. Her mums life is chaotic and unsettled at best and my ex’s mum always says how wonderful I am and what a good environment for her grandchild. Today I see he is feeling sad ☹️, I know most on here will be glad to hear that but it’s hard to see. I’m one way I want to chat with him to see how he is really doing but part of me thinks he will want to move into the garden room and I so don’t ex t the kids to see that

His mum thinks he's bringing his life partner round for dinner. In fact he's bringing his housemate and pal. Can you see how this whole post is about him and what he wants? Read it back. I can't speak for other posters, but no I'm not "glad to see him sad": Why are you jumping to his defence like you would a partner though? He's sad because he feels guilty and is overwhelmed at the enormity of what he's doing. He's throwing you the occasional hug to keep you sweet, reassure himself he's a victim in all this and is still looking after you despite that . But he's still going to continue to do it, and to hurt you, and find new ways to hurt you as he moves on. You meanwhile are sad and have no control over any of this. Take some control and the reins of your own destiny. Your future is being dictated by the actions of a man who is no longer your partner. I'm sad for both of you, but this is over. You are the only person left in the relationship. He's left you where he wants you. You're not a piece on a boardgame to be moved about. This all has to get a lot worse before it gets better. And part of that is you taking ownership of decisions and moves which need to be made by you now, to protect yourself. You're not a team now. Expect to be painted as "crazy" next, as someone above has just said.

@StormTreader I did ask that we don’t tell the kids for now or our friends but I didn’t say his mum, I asked about that.
I was very tempted to tell
Our friends last night as they have been through a rough patch but playing in my head as to what I would say and I would have said that “he doesn’t fancy me anymore but says I am his best friend in the world”. It’s sounding more ridiculous now even though I’m struggling to process and accept it

@ccat1901

He said he’s not looking for anyone and hasn’t been , although most on here think he is lying - it’s tough because he has always been honest before, even when he lost money on a gambling site (using his credit card or joint money)

But OP even if he wasn't looking right now, he's not saying he wants to live together as friends and not see other people ever in future.

He made it clear that he'll date in future, he says he won't date someone who isn't comfortable with this proposed set up. Not that he won't date.

And nobody in their right mind would date a man in his proposed set up, so he will meet someone he really likes he will change that set up aka move out.

Living with him now is just prolonging the agony and delaying the inevitable.

He doesn't want what you want. This will make you a shell of who you are and your children will witness it happening. They'll then replicate it as adults themselves. Which would break your heart all over again and make you feel guilty.

It isn't kind to offer someone crumbs instead of a clean break, it's selfish and cruel. It's easier because you don't have to be 'the bad guy' or lose the bits of the relationship you do want. That's what he's doing - basically cosplaying 'the good guy' while retaining the bits of the relationship he does like despite the fact it's clearly going to be hugely detrimental to your mental health.

You're going to go on a health kick, try to become the 'perfect' partner thinking that as long as he doesn't leave the home and you're still 'best friends' you can win him back. Does that feel like your natural inclination? I think it does.

He will let you do all that, put all that effort in, hold your hand, kiss your forehead... knowing he doesn't want what you desperately want from him. He's spectacularly cruel.

@youvegottenminuteslynn You're going to go on a health kick, try to become the 'perfect' partner thinking that as long as he doesn't leave the home and you're still 'best friends' you can win him back. Does that feel like your natural inclination? I think it does.

He will let you do all that, put all that effort in, hold your hand, kiss your forehead... knowing he doesn't want what you desperately want from him"

I feel better for starting a fitness journey again and last night I felt good putting on a new top that didn't fit before - although it felt good to me, you are right I was hoping he'd look and like what he saw.....I had another new top (well old one that didn't fit) for the gym this morning (which we went to together) and he said looks good. It's hard to think he is cruel as he has never been but I'm re reading all the responses and if you detach yourself I'm beginning to see......although part of me sees that this is all really hard for him too but it is his decision

he has always been honest before, even when he lost money on a gambling site (using his credit card or joint money)

Hang on - he is gambler too??!!!!

Oh FFS. Using JOINT money? And you are not even married...

Why do you allow him to use you in every which way?
When will you wake up and look after your own interests?

I'm done with the , @ccat1901. This is so frustrating...

He used his own money not mine or our joint monies. I was trying to illustrate that he does tell the truth even in difficult situations.
I’m going to detach myself

Gambling? Wow what a catch!

He doesn’t want you tell his mother because she like the rest of us will see right through him and tell you not to be so bloody silly and fall for his manipulative behaviour!

He is looking sad as part of the plan to make you feel anxious and guilty so that you will agree to his ridiculous terms and conditions.

You have read everyone’s posts but you are not letting them sink in and you are still creating a fantasy life in your head where he is going to change his mind.

He doesn’t love you nor does he cherish, respect you or give one jot about your feelings.

I usually read the threads where posters are calling the husband/partner an utter cad for his bad behaviour and treatment of the op and think well that’s a bit overboard, he’s not that bad, but your thread is really awful and one of the most horrible things I have read in terms of a human being treating another.

He’s a horrible man who’s only vested interest is in himself.

I hope you save this thread and read it over and over until if sinks in that the man you met has now gone and he is now someone different and he fully intends to rob you of your precious time.

Time that you will never get back whilst you are pandering to his selfish demands and whims.

Give him what he really wants and set him free and in the process you are setting yourself free from the dreadful manacles he wants to keep you in.

@ccat1901

He used his own money not mine or our joint monies. I was trying to illustrate that he does tell the truth even in difficult situations. I’m going to detach myself

But the truth isn't a get out of jail free card for being cruel OP.

If a man says "even though I know you deeply and desperately want us to be a couple again, I will live here as a single man and be your 'best friend' rather than leave, even though I know you'll always and forever wish I would change my mind and will be gutted when I do meet someone else" it might make him honest, but it doesn't make him any less of a cunt.

A decent person doesn't let the other person cling on to crumbs of affection and hope when they know it's over. They just don't. Breaking up with people is hard and you often feel like an arsehole if it's not mutual, even if it's for the best. Decent people don't allow that to stop them breaking up if it's the right thing to do. Decent people don't watch someone desperately trying to win them back from friend zone to couple zone. It's so nasty.

OP, this is not hard for him on the way you think. It's only hard because it must be incredibly stressful trying to find ever more cruel ways to torture you while maintaining his "good guy" facade.

At some point he is going to cut ties with you completely but he won't do it yet until it's convenient for him.

So sorry OP x

@FavouriteMug

At some point he is going to cut ties with you completely but he won't do it yet until it's convenient for him.

So sorry OP x

This. It'll be when he meets someone who says 'I'm obviously not going to date you while this is your living situation' and he likes them enough to suddenly want to leave. Quickly.