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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Mariell · 02/09/2021 16:25

Blinkered or set yourself free, which looks the happiest?

Relationship ended but not what I want :(
Original poster
ccat1901 · 02/09/2021 17:13

I think I’ll talk with his mum tomorrow- it’s a bbq with friends so I can get her alone. I don’t know if he has actually spoken with anyone else about how he his feeling or his decision.
It is business as usual today - I picked up his daughter and sorted out a website issue he asked me to (I know I should’ve have), then straight after he finishes work he calls. I think I need the rage website but also one that has magic spells (that was a joke or I’ll cry!)

OP posts:
Ilady · 02/09/2021 17:19

What is really hard for him in this situation? He decided that he does not want to be in relationship with you but thinks it's fine that you still live together and play happy families. Your making his life easier by doing housework and minding his daughter. I forgot to mention that your also paying X amount a month towards the bills in the house he owns.

He wants you their until in his mind he has something better lined up. Or perhaps he waiting until his daughter is that bit older before telling you he has meet someone. He wants you their to get help though her problems and school exams.

My advice is to stop paying money towards his bills and save this money to move out. Tell his mother and friends what he wanted you to do and that this did not suit you. You deserve so much better than him or the way he is treating you at the moment.

I watched a friend of mine playing the pick me dance a few years ago and when he went off with another woman she was very unhappy.

Well it now a few years later and my friend is single but doing well.

A few things have come to light about him. My friend avoided several problems by not getting involved with him. He was given advice that he refused to listen to and now he is dealing with the fall out of this.
The best thing was that he contacted my friend a while ago and was keen to get into a fwb situation with her. She told him nicely to get lost.

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bembridge11 · 02/09/2021 17:30

Really sorry to hear this. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants the home setup with all the benefits of having you around to manage things. But I suspect he has either found someone else already or knows who he wants to have a sexual liaison with. I was taught that women leave when the relationship isnt right. Men only leave when they have someone else to go to.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/09/2021 17:31

He literally wants you to go to family events and friend's dinner parties and pretend that you are still a couple, whilst telling you that you will never be again and kissing you on the forehead as a meagre crumb of affection because you were a good girl at your mutual friends and played your part well. He is a total and utter liar to be behaving like this. He's lying to you, the DC and his family and your friends.

If you have to go through this, at least tell everyone. Don't let him get away with making you a liar to keep up the pretence that he is a wonderful guy.

He is playing a part like the stage entertainer he is and making sure the optics favour him.

Ring his mum up and tell her now. Why wait til the BBQ. There will be too many other people around to have a private talk, especially when you might get upset. Why even go
You are doing exactly what he's asked, pretend everything is normal to the outside world and the DC. Carry on as usual running the house, childminding, sorting out the internet,
But everything is not normal.
He is as pp have said being incredibly cruel.
He's made it clear he doesn't want to continue your relationship, but he's throwing in all these confusing messages about going to the gym together etc as long as you keep playing your part, which at the moment is housekeeper.
I would find going to the gym with someone who has rejected me partly because of my weight quite a difficult experience.
You sound like he has progressively pushed your self esteem so low that you can't see a way out of this. This is why people are saying he is cruel.
Please don't depend on winning him back as your main plan of action but think about your future. He's not worth winning back.
If I've read the thread right he is a partner not a DH, and you are living in a house he owns. At the start of your relationship he went out with other people. You need to have a back up plan so that you have somewhere to live and a way to support your own DC. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I hope you can find some counselling to help you make the difficult decisions ahead. But most of all I hope you can start to see this person for who he really is and can see through the things he says through to how he actually behaves.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 02/09/2021 17:47

@llady his daughter is in counselling following bad events with her mum, my daughter doing a levels and my son is 15 with autism. Any small change is huge so the last thing any of them need is upheaval but I guess I’m just delaying the inevitable because of them and because I’m not ready to completely accept the situation. All these comments (some harsh) are helpful as I haven’t got any friends to talk to that aren’t “our” friends as we have been together for so long.
Wow this is so incredibly hard. I think I need to keep things as they are for the sake of the kids and until I’m stronger and then, as everyone advises, I can choose when and how and try and get some control back

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/09/2021 17:54

Another man who wants to play happy families rather than wanting to make a family actually happy.

Don't let him do this to you OP. I know we keep saying it but it's because it's so true - you would be living a half life.

Mariell · 02/09/2021 17:55

I think you are using the ‘protect the children’ as an excuse.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/09/2021 18:07

It is possible you will reach a stage where you find living the way he has suggested intolerable and need to do something to resolve the situation. It will be harder if you are expected to pretend to the rest of your acquaintances that everything is fine and dandy, when in reality you are heartbroken.
Its very unlikely that the genie he has unleashed will go back into the bottle in a way that will turn the clock back and reset everything back to normal again.
I understand your concerns about the disruption to the children, but I still think you need to form a plan for what will happen if it does become intolerable. At least research where you might all live. Try to sort out your finances at the very least.
The DC could be living in a very a strained atmosphere which might also be unstainable and a disruption for them.
It sounds like you do most of the caring for them and you would still be there for them. He could still help with the children.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/09/2021 18:08

*unsustainable

FlowerArranger · 02/09/2021 18:37

@Mariell

I think you are using the ‘protect the children’ as an excuse.
True, but more than that. By going through with this charade, she will be actively damaging them.

@ccat1901 - you can't simply hope and wait until you are 'stronger'. Getting strong is a process that requires action.

I know you feel at your weakest, and you may believe that we are harassing you. Please believe that we want the best for you. We see a woman who is being emotionally abused in the worst possible way, and we want to help you wake up and do what you need to do to escape from your torture.

Start by sorting out the practicals, and the rest - the emotional strength and determination to do what is best for you and your children - will follow. Sort out your finances and look for somewhere to live, as @DuckbilledSplatterPuff has urged you to do. And try to get counselling to untangle the emotions that are messing with your rational thinking.

AffableApple · 02/09/2021 20:21

[quote ccat1901]@llady his daughter is in counselling following bad events with her mum, my daughter doing a levels and my son is 15 with autism. Any small change is huge so the last thing any of them need is upheaval but I guess I’m just delaying the inevitable because of them and because I’m not ready to completely accept the situation. All these comments (some harsh) are helpful as I haven’t got any friends to talk to that aren’t “our” friends as we have been together for so long.
Wow this is so incredibly hard. I think I need to keep things as they are for the sake of the kids and until I’m stronger and then, as everyone advises, I can choose when and how and try and get some control back[/quote]
For the most part, the advice from "everyone" is take control now. The upheaval isn't of your making. The upheaval is already under way. You are not hurting the kids by taking action. Please see that. The upheaval needs your input or you are subject to the outcome he decides. As someone has said above, you don't just get stronger. You don't get strong sitting watching someone in the gym lift weights, you get strong by picking them up yourself and --maybe throwing them at your ex's head--

Original poster
ccat1901 · 02/09/2021 21:16

I think I’m in some bad movie - he came home from work, walked dog (as I can’t with a broken toe) then went to se a guy he worked form in lockdown to get some stuff for “our house”. Then said his mate offered him in the hot tub but he said no as he wanted to spend some time with me as he hadn’t seen me all day!!!! OMG!!!

OP posts:
AffableApple · 02/09/2021 21:20

@ccat1901

I think I’m in some bad movie - he came home from work, walked dog (as I can’t with a broken toe) then went to se a guy he worked form in lockdown to get some stuff for “our house”. Then said his mate offered him in the hot tub but he said no as he wanted to spend some time with me as he hadn’t seen me all day!!!! OMG!!!
And you said you had plans and went out, right?
Mariell · 02/09/2021 21:21

@ccat1901

I think I’m in some bad movie - he came home from work, walked dog (as I can’t with a broken toe) then went to se a guy he worked form in lockdown to get some stuff for “our house”. Then said his mate offered him in the hot tub but he said no as he wanted to spend some time with me as he hadn’t seen me all day!!!! OMG!!!
Sorry but I read that as he went to see a woman and for whatever reason it was a short visit so he has come home and played you.
Excelthetube · 02/09/2021 21:22

Op you need to do what you need to do.
But don’t forget mumsnet is here, even if you don’t do what everyone wants in the first instance.
It took me 5 years to leave someone I loved who didn’t love me the way I wanted him to. I clung on for a long fucking time. And we didn’t even have children
So don’t be too hard on yourself
Flowers

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/09/2021 21:23

@ccat1901

I think I’m in some bad movie - he came home from work, walked dog (as I can’t with a broken toe) then went to se a guy he worked form in lockdown to get some stuff for “our house”. Then said his mate offered him in the hot tub but he said no as he wanted to spend some time with me as he hadn’t seen me all day!!!! OMG!!!
I can't think of a man who would offer another man into a hot tub. Sorry. He's lying and it was a woman. Please stop this shite, it's madness.
AffableApple · 02/09/2021 21:24

@ccat1901

I think I’m in some bad movie - he came home from work, walked dog (as I can’t with a broken toe) then went to se a guy he worked form in lockdown to get some stuff for “our house”. Then said his mate offered him in the hot tub but he said no as he wanted to spend some time with me as he hadn’t seen me all day!!!! OMG!!!
You know it's not cos he wanted to spend time with you, right? You do know that? I'm giving up now.
1FootInTheRave · 02/09/2021 21:30

Can almost guarantee there is someone else.

Tale as old as time.

Ask to move this to the relationship board. Lots of help and support on there. You're going to need it.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 02/09/2021 21:34

No I know he was there, and his mate (male) and his girlfriend was there - his mate has been round ours to go in our hot tub (before it broke). He rang me from there and his mate spoke to me about my toe.

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 02/09/2021 21:35

And also I will add to my story op. That after 5 years I gave an ultimatum and he still didn’t want what I wanted so I had to walk away
As far as he’s concerned, even now he really wants me in his life, but it’s really unhealthy for me. Because he acts like he loves me. But he doesn’t love me enough. As per your situation

I would have been over the moon to hear the story you just told, I would have really believed it meant more than it did.

Mariell · 02/09/2021 21:58

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

Good luck op, it’s blatantly obvious that you don’t want any advice and just want to hang on to his every lie.

DoubleEx · 02/09/2021 23:19

@ccat1901

I think I’m in some bad movie - he came home from work, walked dog (as I can’t with a broken toe) then went to se a guy he worked form in lockdown to get some stuff for “our house”. Then said his mate offered him in the hot tub but he said no as he wanted to spend some time with me as he hadn’t seen me all day!!!! OMG!!!
This is what’s known as hiding in plain sight.

He’s almost telling the truth - enough for him to manage his own cognitive dissonance - but with enough details changed to keep you where he wants you.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 01:11

This really is a bad movie - his daughter has just come back after being with her mum who has been saying then most horrendous things to her. She just wants to live with us and have a peaceful life. Honestly if you heard what her mum said it’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard....and now we carry on as she is so delicate emotionally, it’s so awful for her :( and me :( and her dad seeing her so upset :(

OP posts:
cestunestilo · 03/09/2021 05:18

So his daughter is now in on it too, as she doesn't want to have to look after her dad if you leave ... wake up woman !! You are just the unpaid help.