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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:

CarolinaWeeper · 01/09/2021 13:41

Don't let him force you to live a half life. If he loved you even as a friend he wouldn't ask you to do that, he wouldn't even let you persuade him to do that, knowing you want more from him than he is willing to give. It's cruel and selfish.

Listen to this. He said "please don't be sad" at the end of his letter? How in the name of all that's holy would someone not be sad when their partner tells them they don't fancy them any more and they want to split up? He said that because you being upset makes it harder for him, he feels guiltier and that doesn't fit with the image he has of himself where he's such a good guy. He's not a good guy, he's behaving like a prize twat and a good guy would never subject someone they supposedly love to this kind of emotional torture. It is unbelievably selfish to propose a set up where he gets all the benefits but where you get a load of heartache. You need him to give you some space, you need to think and process this and you need to make plans to protect yourself and your children as best you can from the inevitable split.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/09/2021 14:30

[quote Beetlewing]@ccat1901 my partner and I are in a sexless relationship. We have 2 dc under ten and there's no way I will uproot them to find another relationship so we are left with the only option which is to bring the kids up as a family. Whilst there's not much in the way of love, there is shared parenting thing and that works for us. I know other genuinely happy families where things work because they have a situation that works for them. It might not be the perfect scenario but that doesn't exist either. You have two kids who are happy in a stable home, a partner who loves you and who you love, i would take that as a good situation to be in[/quote]
I genuinely do hope that this isn't the case for your children but please do consider the damage it can do to children to grow up seeing a couple who aren't in a healthy, loving relationship as a couple but living as one.

You could be the best of friends but your children won't see the physical affection, belly laughing etc between you in the joyful way that a happy couple share.

This means that they will see your existing relationship (civil, friendly but not a happy, healthy couple romantically) as a blueprint for their own as adults.

I didn't realise parents kiss and cuddle and can lovingly tease each other and have in jokes with each other until I was already starting to explore relationships myself. It takes a long time to fight against that blueprint.

I wish my parents hadn't stayed together 'for the children' because in doing so they not only missed out on the chance to possibly meet other people for years, they also showcased a confusing dynamic to me and my brother too.

Then split the year I turned 18 and it was obvious they stayed together 'for the children' until then - something they later confirmed was the case. Just something to consider.

You deserve to have the chance to meet someone and they deserve the chance to see healthy dynamics that aren't confusing them in the longer term

Original poster

ccat1901 · 01/09/2021 15:09

@youvegottenminuteslynn Thank you- we aren't different around each other, its just that he doesn't fancy me so they don't see the bedroom!! (I have to laugh or I'll cry!). We will have to tell them I know but I can't handle that at the moment. I need to be clear in my head which is full of emotion, devastation and sadness. I know what you are saying though and we don't want that for our children but the alternative in moving seems even worse at the moment.

OP posts:

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StormTreader · 01/09/2021 15:26

"I did ask if he did meet someone how would our situation work and he said if they couldn't handle the fact he lived with his best friend who was his ex then they weren't for him, but said he hasn't even thought that far ahead."

This is only an answer on how it would work FOR HIM - how would this situation work for you? If he brings some woman home and they sit giggling and snogging in the living room before they head off to shag in his shed, how will that make you feel?

DoubleEx · 01/09/2021 15:45

It’s like you’re not even a real person. You’re just a bit part in his life.

Original poster

ccat1901 · 01/09/2021 15:56

It's all messing with my head. He wants to do more things together, spend quality time, and become closer but not want the sexual side....
He was clear, but surely growing closer, wanting to spend time with someone and try new things (yoga), doesn't that sound like the start of something? Or am I naive and he wants the comfort and emotional support we have to stay and maybe the sex will come back but he doesn't want to lead me? I know I have let myself go..I have recently started going to the gym (we go together) so that will make me feel better and look better too! I think this is the way forward - today I have put on a new top, done my hair and although I have weight to lose, I feel so much better.

OP posts:

Excelthetube · 01/09/2021 16:01

My god. Stop blaming yourself!
He’s a mind fuck

It would be best if you had a total break from each other, so at least you can see the wood for the trees.

It’s almost like he’s saying LOOK LOOK, we are so close and besties and doing stuff so she’s not hurt at all. PHEW

you need time and headspace to work out what you want. Do not accept these physical acts of affection, they are fucking with your mind.

If nothing else, tell him to go to the garden room for a bit, because you need some head space. And stop doing couply shit with him.

thingymaboob · 01/09/2021 16:05

I can't follow this thread anymore, it's excruciating. It's making me so sad. @ccat1901 you deserve so much better than this. You have no self respect.

Sillyotter · 01/09/2021 16:10

I can almost guarantee once you stop hanging onto him like a love sick puppy, hold your head up high, tell him to get fucked and get on with your life he’ll come running back (—DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK).

He’s toying with you to keep you where he wants you as a comfort blanket. You’re not him comfort blanket and don’t do the pick me dance. Get some self respect and draw some boundaries. He’s lost all privileges.

OneAugustNight · 01/09/2021 16:24

He’s actually being very cruel towards you.

Maassi · 01/09/2021 17:17

OP why did you start this thread? What did you hope to gain?

You are complicit in your own destruction - I'm another one that can't read about this car crash about to happen. This is one of the saddest things I've ever read on MN and I sincerely hope that you find some peace x

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/09/2021 20:53

@ccat1901

It's all messing with my head. He wants to do more things together, spend quality time, and become closer but not want the sexual side.... He was clear, but surely growing closer, wanting to spend time with someone and try new things (yoga), doesn't that sound like the start of something? Or am I naive and he wants the comfort and emotional support we have to stay and maybe the sex will come back but he doesn't want to lead me? I know I have let myself go..I have recently started going to the gym (we go together) so that will make me feel better and look better too! I think this is the way forward - today I have put on a new top, done my hair and although I have weight to lose, I feel so much better.

OP this is pitiful, truly. He's a cruel and manipulative prick and you can't see it. He wants you as childminder and housekeeper. That's all. He doesn't want his cushy life disrupted, he wants to live as a single man while you take the load of everything else. Please find some self respect. Find somebody to talk to. See your GP. Seek some counselling but know you're worth so much more than being kept hanging by a man who is emotionally manipulative and wants you to agree to his terms. I don't honestly think anybody can help you until you wake up and smell the coffee.

bigbaggyeyes · 01/09/2021 21:07

He wants all the benefits of being married and in a relationship, but the ability to sleep around

Sorry op, this isn't ever going to end well for you, the longer you try to hold on the more painful it will be. Can you imagine how you will feel when he's getting himself all tarted up for a date and then doesn't come home that evening. He'll probably want to tell you all about it the next day, so you'll have to sit through him telling you all the details. But that's ok because 'you're friends in his world' Because it WILL happen, regardless of what he says now. Why else would he want to be single but have you as a friend? What other motivation does he have?

Rip the plaster off quickly

Original poster

ccat1901 · 02/09/2021 09:17

I forgot to add on Friday night I fell and broke my toe and have 6 stitches.
Maybe he’s being kind 😬
It’s such a mind f**k, cuddled and held my hand, was normal at our friends house last night, really nice time and kissed me on the forehead before he left for dog walk (my toe had caused me pain first thing) this morning

OP posts:

Original poster

ccat1901 · 02/09/2021 09:18

Documenting this is helping so please be patient

OP posts:

Marni83 · 02/09/2021 09:46

He loves you
He wants to be with you
He doesn’t want to share a bed with you

It’s very common op

If you’re not happy with that, end it. You can’t force him to have sexual feeling for you

Original poster

ccat1901 · 02/09/2021 09:56

@Marni83 we are still sharing a bed, and we have cuddled and held hands more in the past few days than in weeks.
I know I have thinking to do but it’s dtill hard to believe he doesn’t fancy me

OP posts:

Marni83 · 02/09/2021 09:58

What I don’t understand is the fierce response from other pushers

He just doesn’t want to have sex with you

LOADS of threads from mumsnetters who feel exactly the same way

Love their husbands. But just want companionship

Marni83 · 02/09/2021 09:59

[quote ccat1901]@Marni83 we are still sharing a bed, and we have cuddled and held hands more in the past few days than in weeks.
I know I have thinking to do but it’s dtill hard to believe he doesn’t fancy me[/quote]
Common

He can do this now knowing that he’s made it clear it’s not a precursor to sex

Marni83 · 02/09/2021 09:59

Allows him to be more affectionate without worrying you’ll think it’s him wanting sex

Original poster

ccat1901 · 02/09/2021 10:09

@Marni83 yes I see what you mean, but I still don’t get it, being closer and wanting to try new things together is like it’s a trial to see if it can change without the pressure of sex

OP posts:

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 02/09/2021 10:14

If he is definitely not going into a relationship or sexual encounter with others and you can live with a sexless relationship, then crack on!
If this is not what you want, then be true to yourself.

Original poster

ccat1901 · 02/09/2021 10:19

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey That’s what he says. Everything stay the same, become closer, go to gym together try yoga, but have split

OP posts:

StormTreader · 02/09/2021 10:33

I really feel like you are making his phrase "become closer" do a HECK of a lot of heavy lifting in terms of the expectations and hopes you're piling on it.

Original poster

ccat1901 · 02/09/2021 10:39

@StormTreader maybe I am, I’m just re reading the letter which says he wants us to spend more quality time together than we did, and come out of this closer than before.

OP posts:

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