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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 31/08/2021 19:29

You have my sympathy OP you really do.

I hate to kick you when you are already down but it is only to try to make you see what he is doing.

He will break you.

You will end up a shadow.

And that won’t be any good for your kids either.

I’m so sorry OP. Flowers

Tirediam · 31/08/2021 21:21

Echo what everyone else has said OP. He doesn’t respect you

IsabelHerna · 01/09/2021 00:17

Oh no! I am so sorry! You sound so hurt.

First of all, maybe for a bit give him what he wants... space. Start saving money as soon as possible (I saw that he owns the house).You don't have to change your behavior towards the children, or him for that matter, but you can get yourself better! Focus on you, what you want and what you like! Do you want to go to counseling? Go by yourself (I'm sure they'll help you). Do you want to go to yoga? Please go. Take care of yourself and not him. Just you and the children. You deserve to be happy.

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Original poster
ccat1901 · 01/09/2021 08:13

It’s just so hard, especially as I never thought this would happen. I can’t see a way through as I still love and fancy him. It’s even harder now as before my libido was low due to the menopause and I wasn’t myself at all, a week ago started supplements and I feel like me again and want sex, then this happens. Part of me wants to let him have what he needs at the moment (as he is upset too) as I don’t want to be without his friendship but when we are really talking like we have been since that and cuddles and holding hands I’m trying to think that he is just comforting me and stop my mind thinking anything else. He was so clear he didn’t want me romantically it just hurts

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 01/09/2021 10:45

@Feedingthebirds1 if we get on better than before what does that mean? I know people are thinking I;m weak, but I really can't give up quite yet....when I think of having to say i'm single I crumble.
If we are closer than before then surely neither of us will want another person?

OP posts:
Beetlewing · 01/09/2021 10:50

I think that's called 'making the best of the situation' I suppose now you are able to find someone to fulfil your physical needs, the ones he can't. Relationships don't follow a pattern, we just like to think they do. When something happens to wobble the foundations of your life, do you set dynamite and explode the whole lot or do you change that one thing for something more stable?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 01/09/2021 10:56

@Beetlewing yes, but it feels great that we are actually talking more, spending more time together in the past few days but now I am actually feeling like myself (well apart from the broken heart) I want what we had before. I want it to change back. I want him to fancy me again. I don't want to stay like this waiting for him to find someone else but I don't want to give up what we have which is getting better. Confusing

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 01/09/2021 10:56

@Beetlewing I couldn't even contemplate another man

OP posts:
Beetlewing · 01/09/2021 11:13

@ccat1901 my partner and I are in a sexless relationship. We have 2 dc under ten and there's no way I will uproot them to find another relationship so we are left with the only option which is to bring the kids up as a family. Whilst there's not much in the way of love, there is shared parenting thing and that works for us. I know other genuinely happy families where things work because they have a situation that works for them. It might not be the perfect scenario but that doesn't exist either. You have two kids who are happy in a stable home, a partner who loves you and who you love, i would take that as a good situation to be in

Original poster
ccat1901 · 01/09/2021 11:24

@Beetlewing The thing that is so difficult is that I want more and he says he doesn't. He says he wants things to stay the same and for us to spend more quality time together and be closer but doesn't want counselling or to touch me which is devastating. He said he isn't looking for anyone else but everyone on here thinks he already is, he swears he is not. I can just about handle things now but its so hard as I can't tell anyone....and if he does meet someone it would kill me. but if we grow closer and spend more time together msybe his feelings will change - that is what happened when we first got together - friends, then best friends with benefits (casual as he did see a couple of other people) before we became a proper couple. Can that happen or am I deluded?

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets · 01/09/2021 11:31

I'd advise you start protecting yourself financially now. Stop paying all the bills except your share of food and tell them he needs to pay them for his house now.
Tell him you need to save as should you need to move out you'll need a deposit etc. Its his house so he can pay now.
You'll be trying to make this relationship work on his terms then when he meets someone else he'll want you and your kids out asap and this "doing stuff as freinds" rubbish will be long forgotten by him.
No future girlfriend will accept you and him living together and travelling as " best buddies".
Don't contribute towards van costs either if its his van.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 01/09/2021 11:36

@Stripyhoglets thanks - I did ask if he did meet someone how would our situation work and he said if they couldn't handle the fact he lived with his best friend who was his ex then they weren't for him, but said he hasn't even thought that far ahead.

OP posts:
Beetlewing · 01/09/2021 11:45

@ccat1901 in your situation, i think the spark might be able to be reignited through his request to be spending more time together and becoming closer. This is the situation you have right now, there's no saying it couldn't change in the future. I'd take it slow, see it as an opportunity to learn about the man he is now, he's obviously going through some personal growth thing, you can too. No marriage can survive if the people involved feel they can't change and grow.

Beetlewing · 01/09/2021 11:47

@ccat1901 Also, whilst it's a good place to gauge opinion, I've found a lot of people on here like to create drama. If it happened in their own lives, they'd examine their situation much more carefully, it's easy to fling out advice from a distance 😂

lking679 · 01/09/2021 11:48

How would you handle living with him though and him dating someone else? Why does he expect you to do that?

I think it’s very unlikely he will go back to a full on relationship with you especially as he has written things down and been very clear with you. It sounds like being physical the other day has made him realise he doesn’t want that anymore? Think he told you afterwards he didn’t like the back rub, that’s pretty clear.
I think and probably this thread was you looking for some reassurance that he would change his mind as you keep quoting the getting closer bits etc but he’s also said you’ve split up and he now calls you his best friend. Have some pride and don’t hang on in case he changes his mind.
He has left you in this halfway place of best friend and if you want a romantic relationship that really isn’t fair. I’d be telling him to go and set up his shed for living in and get used to the idea of being single again. Maybe that would make him realise what he’s thrown away and think twice or maybe it would just give you the mental space you need to start moving on.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 01/09/2021 11:56

@Beetlewing I'm not making excuses but I think he wrote it down because I was in such state when we talked. Maybe it doesn't give false hope this way and if his feelings did change then it would be great. Re reading the letter he said "the romantic side of things isn't there for me" and "I said we could try again and change back but in my heart I know it won't" "things can be better between us as a result of this, we can spend more quality time together than we do now. I hope you understand how hard it is for me, I can certainly see how hard it is for you, I want us to come out of this closer than we are now"

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 01/09/2021 11:58

@Beetlewing and it ends "please don't be sad, look to the amazing future we have, I love you"

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 01/09/2021 11:58

Ugh
He’s an emotionally manipulative cunt.

Marni83 · 01/09/2021 12:00

He wants companionship
As many mumsnetters have said on threads they do too!

You don’t op

So I suppose you just need to make a decision re stay or go

But given you e said neither can afford to rent

You may just have to accept in the short term, especially as his property

WayneBruce · 01/09/2021 12:02

I'll put money on this cosy set up he's put on offer ends as soon as his DD moves out.

Genuinely read the posts on here. As an outsider it would only work if you were both happy to live independent lives. He does, you clearly dont.

Marni83 · 01/09/2021 12:09

If he didn’t own the house
I would be inclined to think he’s hiding something

But he owns the property. He could ask you to leave op

Instead he’s even saying he will sleep in the garden room!

I think he just doesn’t want to have sex with the op but loves her

Original poster
ccat1901 · 01/09/2021 12:45

@Marni83 yes he has said I can stay in the house. He keeps saying he loves me when we finish a conversation on the phone, and hugs when he gets home.
I just I want to know if there is a chance he will fancy me again. As I said I hadn’t been myself for quite a while but supplements last week have helped me get back to me, but it seems too late....unless he sees that I am back (as it were). I guess if he doesn’t it will help me going forward anyway

OP posts:
AffableApple · 01/09/2021 12:45

@Excelthetube

Ugh He’s an emotionally manipulative cunt.
You came here for advice. You are getting advice. Please pay heed. This. With big knobby bell(ends)s on. Wake up and stop being so frustratingly naive. You'll regret not having taken control sooner in a few weeks/months/years time. Use the collective experience here: Everyone is telling you he has someone else lined up, even if he hasn't actually stuck his dick in her yet. It is over. He's gone, mate. Sort yourself out now.
Marni83 · 01/09/2021 13:34

[quote ccat1901]@Marni83 yes he has said I can stay in the house. He keeps saying he loves me when we finish a conversation on the phone, and hugs when he gets home.
I just I want to know if there is a chance he will fancy me again. As I said I hadn’t been myself for quite a while but supplements last week have helped me get back to me, but it seems too late....unless he sees that I am back (as it were). I guess if he doesn’t it will help me going forward anyway[/quote]
He has been explicit with you op
He does not want a sexual relationship now or in the future
He can’t answer whether that may change with time
No one can

FlowerArranger · 01/09/2021 13:41

Tough advice from @AffableApple, but she is right. Don't be a mug, @ccat1901. You need to take control because right now you are totally passive and allowing him to string you along.

Actually, scratch that - you are not really being passive: you are actively doing the pick me dance. Look it up. It's not a good strategy and it will end in tears.

Even if he is not currently cheating, he soon will be. And it will break your heart!! You need to protect yourself now. Check out the Chump Lady website and find your anger. Hopefully she'll light a fire in your belly and spur you into action. Flowers

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