Relationship ended but not what I want :(

[ccat1901]

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

All the best op

When he calls you his girlfriend again your reply should be, “Oh good, now you can start treating me like a girlfriend and we can make love!”

Watch the colour drain from his face or if on the phone his voice start to crack or he loses his temper.

He made another comment today too....yesterday who he said that I was in the kitchen wearing an apron washing up!!

Stop entertaining his crap. The time you have spent thinking about and second guessing him is time you could have spent planning for your future.

I know you love him, I know you’re in shock and I know it’s difficult but you will only start to feel better when you stop being passive and take control.

Yeah, but comment today you “kinky bi**h” said in jest I’m sure, unless that’s how you speak to a best friend.
It’s all too much. He is at work tomorrow then tomorrow night (at the place where this girl is, the one where nothing is going on and nothing will), she maybe working there, maybe not but I know that tomorrow night will be hard, I have to stop overthinking things as it will make me go insane. But literally why would you comment on my appearance when I’m washing up, why kiss me on the cheek/head and make a sexy comment, why if all you want is friendship? I think some distance tomorrow will be food but very hard at the same time. He doesn’t act any different (if someone is seeing someone or wanting to they make more of an effort with their appearance right? No difference). Not grasping at straws just can’t cope with the thought of that at this moment in time

As I commented earlier, this guy is a wanker, sorry. As in, he is in love with himself and assuming the world will do his bidding, just because he wills it.

I don't think you need to waste any more time telling us about his dickish behaviour.

These are not the actions of a friend. An actual friend would not be putting all this effort into gaslighting you to get you to try to bear an unbearable situation. A true friend would be helping you leave. He is not your friend, not any more.

Does he have other "friends" he acts like this with? I'd guess not!

The most obvious first thing to do is tell him to find some where else to sleep. Do you sleep with your other friends and "cuddle"?

The whole saga sounds like a Twilight fanfic with all the longing, handholding, long meaningful cuddles. It's ridiculous that he thinks it's reasonable that you act as a giant teddy bear for his emotional crutch needs and you get NOTHING in return.

Look, he can call you his best friend, the nicest person he has ever known in his entire life, the sweetest. kindest person. my girlfriend, my wifeykins, my little teddy bear but at the end of the day, it will be whether he is physically attracted to you that will decide whether he has sex with you or not. Forget all the words, cuddles and driving you places and focus on what will be important if you're determined to get him into bed again. It will boil down to the physical and it's not there.

I just don't think he's going to do it through 'duty.
The days of laying back and thinking of England while doing it seem to not be on his radar.

The more I read that he’s calling you his girlfriend on the phone, after all this and then
why would you comment on my appearance when I’m washing up, why kiss me on the cheek/head and make a sexy comment, why if all you want is friendship
The more it reminds me of someone like Phillip Scofield or Micheal Barrymore when they were married but hiding behind it, not wanting a romantic relationship with their wife and secretly wondering about their sexuality but not quite ready to come out.
If the person he has set his sights on is another woman then above explanation doesn’t fit. I can’t work it out other than wanting you to remain as housekeeper/step mum. Or trying to break it to you bit by bit to give you time to come to terms with a breakup.
Does he describe this other person as a girl or is that how you imagine them?
Why doesn’t he call her a woman?

You can't force him to have sex with you. It's his perfect right to say 'no thanks, I just can't do it'. Leave him alone for God's sake.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

The more I read that he’s calling you his girlfriend on the phone, after all this and then why would you comment on my appearance when I’m washing up, why kiss me on the cheek/head and make a sexy comment, why if all you want is friendship The more it reminds me of someone like Phillip Scofield or Micheal Barrymore when they were married but hiding behind it, not wanting a romantic relationship with their wife and secretly wondering about their sexuality but not quite ready to come out. If the person he has set his sights on is another woman then above explanation doesn’t fit. I can’t work it out other than wanting you to remain as housekeeper/step mum. Or trying to break it to you bit by bit to give you time to come to terms with a breakup. Does he describe this other person as a girl or is that how you imagine them? Why doesn’t he call her a woman?

It was common knowledge in the early 90s that Schofield liked boys/men. He certainly did not deceive his wife.

@dogmandu

You can't force him to have sex with you. It's his perfect right to say 'no thanks, I just can't do it'. Leave him alone for God's sake.

But he’s not leaving the op alone! He keeps zoning in on her and cuddling her and kissing as well as making flirtatious comments.

But he’s not leaving the op alone! He keeps zoning in on her and cuddling her and kissing as well as making flirtatious comments.

But he's nevertheless made it clear that he's not going to have sex with her. She's relentless in her pursuit of him. He's said himself that it's stressing him out. He must be terrified of her. He probably doesn't want to leave the home he's paid for. It seems nothing is going to satisfy her until he caves in. I think she knows exactly what she's doing and it won't end well for anybody. This has passed the bounds of normality in my opinion.

I’m not doing anything to “come on” to him. I’m just trying to get through the days. I’m not asking for compliments or any else, and I haven’t mentioned how I’m feeling for a few days. I’m trying to carry on and not read anything into his actions it they are hard to ignore.
No, it was a girl he felt “something” with one time but said he has had no contact with her apart from if she is at the venue he works at on a Tuesday (only 2 of those left), but he doesn’t usually get there very early and hasn’t a lot of free time before he has to do his show (entertainer), and he calls me as soon as he has left. As I’ve done thousands of shows with him I know the timings - I hadn’t done this one this year because of covid and not having someone to keep an eye on my son (plus our dog won’t let anyone else in the house).

this has passed the bounds of normality in my opinion

Aye.

OP, you've said that your aim is sex. You've made that pretty clear to him as well. That's not going to happen so what is your next step? Strip him naked and tie him to the bed? I can' think of any other way you are going to get your way with him.

@dogmandu yes that’s what I want. He said it isn’t. I’m not doing anything or saying “have sex with me now” I’m leaving that. It’s his behaviour that confuses me when he says he doesn’t feel that way

ccat - you'll get past this.

I'm guessing from what you've said earlier that you're at a stage in life when accepting this is difficult. Something similar happened to me and I can honestly say that divorcing him was the best thing that ever happened to me Now I see him clearly for who he is. I wouldn't have him back . Life is so much more relaxed and peaceful.

I hope so, I just feel so caught up - found something on Facebook that we need and he said message the guy and say your boyfriend is interested!! I was
Gobsmacked! I need some quick one liner answers but it’s been a weird day

You don't need one liners.

You need one line: "You've said we are no longer in a romantic relationship, so please stop calling us boyfriend / girlfriend and commenting on my appearance as it's confusing and makes me anxious."

@ccat1901

I’m not doing anything to “come on” to him. I’m just trying to get through the days. I’m not asking for compliments or any else, and I haven’t mentioned how I’m feeling for a few days. I’m trying to carry on and not read anything into his actions it they are hard to ignore. No, it was a girl he felt “something” with one time but said he has had no contact with her apart from if she is at the venue he works at on a Tuesday (only 2 of those left), but he doesn’t usually get there very early and hasn’t a lot of free time before he has to do his show (entertainer), and he calls me as soon as he has left. As I’ve done thousands of shows with him I know the timings - I hadn’t done this one this year because of covid and not having someone to keep an eye on my son (plus our dog won’t let anyone else in the house).

OP reading through this I had an ex years and years ago who treated me exactly like this, split out the blue but full of I love yous,kisses on the forehead, flirting, even flowers, and then hitting on me,it was totally bizarre. He actually never did stop hitting on me. Two years later I literally had to tell him to f### off. Bizarre.

All I can say is throw him out and make him stay out, close the door and move on. I've been there and it's really awful and he will never commit back to you or cut the cord, but he won't ever leave you alone either which, with the way you currently feel about him, is no doubt torture.

Not completely sure why my ex or your ex do this,I think it's their insecurity, unwillingness to be alone, wanting to keep all the bits they want and not the other bits they don't, familiarity, weakness (his, not yours), take your pick. Don't let him do it, it's utter torture for you.

Plus while he's no Prince for treating you this way, if you do want the best chance of getting him back, you absolutely will never succeed if you keep hanging around as an option, half in and half out of his life. You need to rip off the band aid and make him see reality and the consequences of his actions, and his choice, and let him panic and face reality, because right now there aren't any consequences for him whatsoever.

This is a thing that is said so often on here that it's boring but it's also true.

You can't change his behaviour but you can change the way you respond to it.

To return to my earlier (crappy) analogy, you're still in the sweet shop but now he's holding the sweets up, telling you how delicious they are. But they're behind a Perspex screen. You can't have them. Walk out of the shop.

You need to leave. However difficult that is, however many ructions that will cause in your life.

He is fucking with your head.

@Polkadots2021 people on here have said that and the web sites I have read. But part of me doesn’t want to pull that bandaid off in case he disappears completely. But I can see that he has made this decision and there are no consequences just things the same for him and I’m suffering heartbreak

@Mariell yes. You are right, that was probably unfair as I don't really know much about how those two people dealt with it other than headlines.
I was only thinking of the idea of keeping up a public unified front which is the idea of OP's partner referring quite deliberately to being boyfriend and girlfriend to other people but also keeping a lid on the break up/end of romantic relationship. Maybe that's a temporary way of dealing with a difficult situation?