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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 11:25

Yes he does know me well and I know that’s why he wrote the letter but when we talked he reiterated that’s how he wants things to be and not lose what we have.
I’m confused- how should I act? I’m devastated but feeling better at the same time. A move isn’t possible at the moment so there is little choice but to keep things as they are, best friends hanging out and spending quality time together as he says he wants and I genuinely don’t doubt that it that he loves me.
So do I hide away or do I try and make myself stronger?

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 11:30

I’m trying to give him space by not messaging or calling if he’s out/at work unless there is an absolute need, before I’d just call to say hi. What else should I do? He knows what I want but I’m trying to give him what he wants even though it’s killing me.

OP posts:
CowCat · 12/09/2021 11:31

Start off by making him sleep in the shed / Annex thing and NO cuddles.

Maybe keep everything else the same but sleep separately and no physical contact.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 11:36

It’s not even been 2 weeks yet (2 weeks tomorrow). That’s not a lot of time to come to terms with your whole world being destroyed, your future and that of your kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 11:37

Ok

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 12/09/2021 11:39

Sorry but no, he is either invested in the relationship or leaves.
That would be my view.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 12:00

I’m aware of what some are thinking of my actions, so please help with this one. I have to collect a sick note from the doctors tomorrow- I work part time but working with computer programming and on peoples financial systems and I can’t focus on that at the moment or afford to make any mistakes. What should I say to him without pouring on guilt, if he would see it that way?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/09/2021 12:06

Do you mean how do you tell him you've got a sick note?

"I'm going to be signed off for a couple more weeks so I can focus on feeling stronger and less anxious."

?

DamnUserName21 · 12/09/2021 12:06

You're being so passive in all of this.
Sure, he has been sending A LOT of mixed messages (he is quite the headfuck) but what has been clear is that he loves you but does not fancy you (for whatever reason)--I suppose it is up to you if you want to stay in a non-physical relationship and all that entails or move on, sort yourself out, and find someone to give you everything you need and want.
Either way, he has made it so it will, ultimately, your decision.

MsPavlichenko · 12/09/2021 12:08

You don’t need to tell him anything. You are not in a relationship. This is an opportunity for you to start to disengage. Please don’t see it as an opportunity to try and win him back. Simply tell him you are not feeling great and need some time off if you need to say anything.

You say you can’t leave. You need to start planning to. And soon. Find your self respect and your anger ffs.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/09/2021 12:10

@ccat1901

I’m trying to give him space by not messaging or calling if he’s out/at work unless there is an absolute need, before I’d just call to say hi. What else should I do? He knows what I want but I’m trying to give him what he wants even though it’s killing me.
He knows what I want but I’m trying to give him what he wants even though it’s killing me.

That's basically the crux of the issue OP. You're both prioritising what he wants despite both knowing how much it's damaging your mental health. That's not to say he should stay with you romantically, but he should end it definitively not say he wants you to live with him and still be best friends. What we can't know is whether he's doing that as it's convenient and he's using you or if your tendency to catastrophise and your refusal to accept his decision re romantic connection means he is genuinely scared of what you'll do / how you'll react etc so he's being a coward and not ending it all definitively.

What can you do right now? You HAVE to stop sharing a bed. It's ridiculous. It's unfair on you and a complete mixed message. Start with that.

candycane222 · 12/09/2021 12:59

Why on earth shoild you feel guilty about telling him the truth! Or, if you meant pouring on guilt on him- well, he is the one who has made you feel like this, so IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO PROTECT HIM.FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS OWN ACTIONS.

It sounds as though you are colluding with him in the fantasy that he is hardly changing anything so hardly hurting you. Fuck that. Let him own it. Hed like to glide through the breakdown of his relationship with barely a ripple felt.

Rock the boat op!. Tip him in the cold pond of reality where he belongs, slimy pondweed and all. Stop carrying him.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 13:23

@candycane222 he knows how hurt I am as I have broken down several times in front of him so he knows. It is his doing bit when we last spoke about it he said he was struggling with pressure from me (he walked in on me crying), and constant stress and worry with his daughter and her mum. Some people have been saying I’m punishing him or manipulating him into coming back. I’ve never been signed off from work (I’ve worked there for 20 years!)

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Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 15:10

Yes it is what he wants and doesn’t disrupt our kids and like I said we don’t fight or argue and being best friends is great, the whole homelife between us is fair and we support each other, just he hasn’t for romantic feelings for me anymore. So it’s hard to give up on a friendship like we have and hard to contemplate how it will affect the kids but it will have to change eventually as I haven’t stopped wanting the whole package yet.

OP posts:
nancyonthebike · 12/09/2021 16:52

You obviously can't see it possible that you can survive without this man yet, it comes across that you feel within time he will find feelings for you you want him to have.
Imagine you and he have had an amazing evening together, he's said all the right things, you're feeling like you two are back on track, you go to bed together, you have sex, even have the best sex you two have ever had. You then lie there with you're thoughts?
Did he really want that?
Did he just do that out of pity?
Did he imagine I was someone else?
Did he regret it?
Will this be the last time?
There's no need to ask these questions as he's already given you the answer.

' I love you so much that I want everything to stay as it is and we will all look after each other. I can't bear to see you hurting because I don't want to sleep with you or be romantic with you, so is it ok if I just hover around and drive you everywhere and I can sleep in the shed if that makes you feel better, but of course I've just picked all our kids up and done a shit load of errands so maybe should sleep in the main bed as I've done so good'

I actually don't know who how the two of you is the weakest.

Get a bag of possessions, get a sense of pride, take a deep breath, in fact take 2, order an Uber taxi, arrive at a friends, family, hotel.
Put some distance between you both, if it is this wonderful friendship that will grow into this everlasting love you crave it will have the chance to show up, if not you've at least given yourself a sense of pride, shown strength of character and a little bit of space to process it all.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 13/09/2021 07:00

Yes distance.....yesterday afternoon before he left for work I was washing up and he gave me a cuddle, kiss on cheek and said “you’re looking really good love” - that’s just mean :(

OP posts:
Mariell · 13/09/2021 07:09

@ccat1901

Yes distance.....yesterday afternoon before he left for work I was washing up and he gave me a cuddle, kiss on cheek and said “you’re looking really good love” - that’s just mean :(
And you responded by jabbing him in the ribs with your elbow and saying “Get off me you creep!”?
Original poster
ccat1901 · 13/09/2021 07:29

That would have been the move...it made me feel great. I know it shouldn’t have but it did. I was still awake when he got home and work hadn’t been that good, he was tired and it seemed like an anti climax to how I had been feeling then I couldn’t sleep for ages thinking what an idiot I was

OP posts:
Mariell · 13/09/2021 09:58

Don’t start calling yourself an idiot.

I do think there is more to this as your way of thinking is not something that I have encountered in a person before but if everything you say is a true and fair description of his behaviour then he is playing with your emotions by being overly tactile, affectionate and complimentary whilst also dismissing you as being g sexually unattractive and not wanting to have sex with you ever again.

Most people treat their pets better than that.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 13/09/2021 10:08

Then on the phone this morning he called me his girlfriend!!!

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thingymaboob · 13/09/2021 10:15

@ccat1901

Then on the phone this morning he called me his girlfriend!!!
You need to correct him and say that you're not his girlfriend. Take back control
MsPavlichenko · 13/09/2021 10:21

Again. Take control. He sounds increasingly abusive and cruel. You may not be able to leave now but you must make plans. You can stop engaging. No chat, no calls, no wine and tv. Absolutely nothing done or cooked for him. Try and act like a disinterested flat mate. It will help you.

Mariell · 13/09/2021 10:25

Kick the dog away. Pat the dog on the head and give it a treat. Kick the dog away. The dog will become confused and anxious and may start to growl and nip.

It’s time you started growling at the very least and make it clear that his behaviour is downright nasty.

Marni83 · 13/09/2021 10:25

@ccat1901

Then on the phone this morning he called me his girlfriend!!!
But he’s said he wants you to be his girlfriend but doesn’t want a sexual relationship

Ffs!!

Marni83 · 13/09/2021 10:26

I thought he said he wanted to be with you, have a life with you
But just doesn’t want to have sex with you