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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 12:27

I haven’t told him I’m signed off work, I guess that will be seen negatively

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 12:36

@vdbfamily thank you for taking the time to read. In his letter (and to my face) he says he loves me so much and I think you’re right, he felt something he hadn’t for a while, but I don’t understand why he would throw everything we have away? When we talked about it he didn’t even know if the feeling was mutual or what he really felt.
I’ve told him that my sex drive is returning and that I fancy him and want to make love do he knows that. It’s very hard to let go but I don’t want him to suffer but I don’t want to suffer either

OP posts:
Birdkin · 11/09/2021 15:37

OP you really need to talk to someone in real life about this. Ring a friend even if you’ve not spoken for awhile. This thread doesn’t seem to be helping you move forward, in fact you seem to be entrenching more in response but you could take it in more from someone who knows you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
Bambooshoot · 11/09/2021 17:22

Oh sweetheart - it’s over. He’s trying to be nice to you but he doesn’t want you anymore. I know this is heartbreaking, we have all been through it, it is hard, so very hard - but you can’t force him to love you. Let him go. You two are done. You can’t fight someone to make them desire you again. Of course he loves you -you have so much history and you are friends - I love my friends! But that is it, let him let you go to find someone who loves you as a partner. While you are thinking “how can he throw everything that we had away”? He is actually thinking “how can I get away without being a bad person and without hurting her too much?”. He doesn’t see the relationship in the same way you do. I know this because I have lived it and I know how much it hurts. But you need to let it go.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 20:31

I’ve never been through this before. I don’t want it to end.
We’ve just had a lovely time at the beach with the dog, and then us playing with dog and my daughter after dinner. Just feels like normal. How can it stay like this as he says when a new partner comes along? I feel a little bit less in denial but I’m also feeling really angry. It’s hard when I want it and he doesn’t for whatever reason. I can’t feel like this for ever surely?

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Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 21:22

Going back to @vdbfamily’s comment, he’s not a jealous type of guy, if I said that was what I wanted he would say he would be happy for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 21:23

But I can’t say that of him yet as if he did start seeing someone at the moment it would feel like cheating even though technically it isn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 21:25

I know You can’t make someone want you, but I know I’m in denial but still think what if there is a chance? We started as friends and it developed it could again.....but no

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MsPavlichenko · 11/09/2021 22:54

If you continue to be in denial, and to live like this you will feel like this indefinitely. He is doing this (being friends, suggesting living together etc) as it makes him feel less guilty at the moment. And he gets the benefits of you living there whilst being free to pursue other women if he wants to.

If you really think there is a chance (not sure why you’d bother) find your self respect, make plans to leave and let him get on with it. He might realise what he’s missing. He might not but you’d be in a far better position.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/09/2021 23:20

A break up is similar to any other type of grief - although it's agony, there is simply no way to survive it than to accept it, experience it, process it and find a way of coming out of the other side. You can't skip the accepting, experiencing and processing staging. You really can't. So it's a case now of delaying the inevitable pain that will occur when he meets someone else and the dynamic shifts again out of your control. You'll have to deal with the pain either now, in a while, or in a long time. And I would argue that the longer you delay having to take on that pain, the bigger the pain will get,

Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 08:10

Yes I can see the processes that need to happen.
I’m making life really hard for myself - we had a few drinks last night, watched the tennis then music whilst we chatted and it was fun, really fun. Then, nothing. Not the end to the night I wanted.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 12/09/2021 08:21

@ccat1901

Yes I can see the processes that need to happen. I’m making life really hard for myself - we had a few drinks last night, watched the tennis then music whilst we chatted and it was fun, really fun. Then, nothing. Not the end to the night I wanted.
You wanted a shag and he didn’t? Op you are treating like this like the end of your life, the end of the greatest love affair known to man.

You will wear this man down the way you’re going. Although I’m willing him not to cave in

Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 09:16

I didn’t come into him or anything. Yes that’s what I wanted but I didn’t say or do anything.

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Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 09:21

It was his idea for a drink and to watch the tennis, not mine. I’m not suggesting things like “let’s go for coffee” Or “do you fancy some Prosecco and let’s waych the tennis “ none of that was my idea

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Marni83 · 12/09/2021 09:33

@ccat1901

It was his idea for a drink and to watch the tennis, not mine. I’m not suggesting things like “let’s go for coffee” Or “do you fancy some Prosecco and let’s waych the tennis “ none of that was my idea
And?

He said from the outset that he wanted to live a good and happy life with you, doing things together, holidaying etc. He just doesn’t want to have sex with you.

FGS Op this is getting incredibly tedious

I can’t imagine what it’s like for your partner

thesunwillout · 12/09/2021 09:40

As someone who was truly in love with my ex husband, it's taken me years to really see the reality of his immature, but according to him mindful personality.

You can only save yourself here op.
It's not what it was, it may never have been as equal a partnership as you thought emotionally for some time

You'll convince yourself it was, and it's fucking painful to realise it was failing.

You can't keep this up forever, and I believe you'll save yourself at some point.

It's all about him and what he wants isn't it.

He's totally controling you and your life.

Believe me I get how much you love him, but the scales will fall as time continues.

At some point this will turn angry and messy. It's not sustainable.

One thing ( and I'm not anti)
Does he smoke weed.

It's just sounding so incoherent and messed up.

Don't let him take you down with him.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 10:03

@Marni83 this is what he wanted and I didn’t break down begging him for sex, we had a nice evening and that was all. No mention of sex. I was just saying that’s what I wanted but did not say or so anything, about it so there was no demands on him at all so it is what he said he wanted. I’m just trying to accept it. But having fun gets rid of the physical pain for a while, but I know it will eventually stop

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Clymene · 12/09/2021 10:06

You're never going to move on if you carry on living with him. It's like you're in the sweet shop but you're not allowed to touch or eat any of the sweets even though you really want to.

To stop the mental anguish, you need to leave the shop. The door is open but you have to walk through it.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 10:22

Yes he does smoke weed on occasion, he did last night. Not all the time. I don’t

OP posts:
dogmandu · 12/09/2021 10:28

She's said a few times that she's angry.

Inside I think she's furious with him and the continual hanging on and showing how perfect she is for him is her way of punishing him and bringing him down. If it were anybody else on here it would be termed abuse.
Like a pp I also hope he holds out and escapes.
I wish OP peace in her heart the ability to move on without further damage to herself or to him.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 10:35

@thesunwillout yes it’s harder because it’s almost the life I want. If we had always argued and fought it would be easier.

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Original poster
ccat1901 · 12/09/2021 10:45

I am becoming more angry inside you’re right, but I also feel so much better since different tablets for menopausal symptoms which were horrendous. So yes in one way I feel better and more like myself but in another I feel awful. Should I not show I’m feeling better in myself? I don’t want to punish him but how else should I be? I’m trying to make the situation as he said he wants to keep balance for the kids at the moment. All the websites and comments say you should have no contact but this is a different situation, they say to work on yourself as well which for me is a huge challenge but when your menopausal symptoms have lifted like a lead weight it’s hard not to show how much better I feel

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thingymaboob · 12/09/2021 10:45

Based on the way you're behaving now, I think I'm leaning towards changing my position. I think he's tiptoeing around you and being very cautious not to upset you. He's gone about it an awful way and undoubtedly made things painfully long but I can understand why it's been difficult for him to just do a clean break up with you. You clearly don't get or accept that it's over. He obviously knows you well enough to know you wouldn't cope with breaking up and he's trying to do it gently. This entire time I (and most of us) have been thinking about how cruel he's been with his mixed messages etc. But now it's clear that you've given him no choice. That's why he wrote a letter. He was worried about doing it "wrong" in person and wanted to control the news. Any self respecting woman would've just said "enough is enough" by now but you're still clinging on and you think that just simply because you're not "begging for sex" then that's good enough.
It's reasonable after 9 years for him to want to be friends with you but that will come after a clean break, some space and in your case, some counselling

dogmandu · 12/09/2021 10:56

Being angry even furious is perfectly OK. In my opinion it's healthy and right to let the other person know just how badly they have hurt you.

If it were me (I've been in a kind of similar situation with my ex) I would tell him in no uncertain terms what he's done to me and how he's made me feel and how massively pissed off with him I am. Then I'd divorce him. I understand your concern about all the children, including his daughter. I would try and stay in touch with her and be a support for her.

candycane222 · 12/09/2021 11:05

Has it occurred to you OP that hes a bit of a wanker? That's how he comes across to me. He knows somewhere that the fact he no longer wants to be your partner is goong to cause you huge pain and upset and upheaval to the children too. And will thus cause him both guilt and inconvenience. Not to mention dent his reputation as Mr Wonderful Sensitive New Man. So he has woven an alternative fantasy scenario in his head whereby there is minimal change to anything apartfrom that o e huge thing, and he has talked a blue streak into convincing himself that you can be fine with it, and problem solved, bullet dodged.

You're not fine with it, you couldn't possibly be and you have told him veey clearly you aren't.

So what is happening with all the walks on the beach and evening s with the telly and him saying you're the most wonderful person ever in the world?

HE gets to kid himself his fantasy "solution" will work

YOU get to kid yourself he might change his mind.

You are both utterly deluded. At least we know he is, because this is not fine in any way for you. I think it is highly likely you are too. He is not hanging around being nice out of 'being close to changing his mind'- ness IMO. He is doing it out of cowardice and guilt.

And knowing what he knows about your feelings, it is actually pretty cruel, and extremely selfish.

But like I said, he's a bit of a wanker, isn't he, so that's par for the course.