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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 10/09/2021 23:23

Think??!!!
Sink even...
It's been a long day! !

Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 05:14

Its what he said to me, his words about snuggling and “look at all we have”. That’s a quote from him not me making it up.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 11/09/2021 05:52

I’m beginning to feel this guy has the patience of a saint

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
dogmandu · 11/09/2021 07:52

I'm wondering if she's deliberately goading him until he breaks as a punishment for not loving her. I hope I'm wrong on that.

dogmandu · 11/09/2021 07:55

as a 'correction to above instead of the word 'deliberately' I would substitute the word 'subconsciously'

Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 07:57

No, I wa crying whilst he was out so he didn’t see but didn't hear him come back. He asked what was wrong and I said I was struggling. I didn’t ask any questions he just said the things I quoted.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 11/09/2021 07:58

@dogmandu

I'm wondering if she's deliberately goading him until he breaks as a punishment for not loving her. I hope I'm wrong on that.
Yes I think you’re correct The poor guy has said I love you I’ll support you I’ll move on to the garden room (even though he owns the property)

But I just do not want to have sex with you.

And the op has relentlessly gone on at him

Even on this thread. Anyone who disagrees…. Very long posts in response about how how she is dying inside etc etc. Going by this thread alone, the op is very dramatic and goes on and on trying to break us down!!

Mariell · 11/09/2021 08:06

I’m afraid that I have lost all sympathy for the op and if she is as relentless and passive aggressive in real life I can well believe that in wanting to get away from her he has resorted in trying to do it in stages or refusing sex in the hope that she will just up and go.

Op, you sound exhausting and very hard work. I wish you all the best but I think you need out of that relationship ASAP, for your own sanity as well as his.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 08:52

I didn’t break down intentionally in front of him, he is usually gone for an hour dog walk. I could have lied about why I was upset but it’s pretty obvious.
I think most people would fight for their relationship if it means the world to them? My last relationship (kids dad) was not good and I left that so this has never happened to me before. I’ve only had 2 serious relationships in my life and the second one I thought was for the rest of my life. So if I seem to have gone on it’s because I don’t want it to end and it’s only been 2 weeks so I can’t just go “oh ok, see you”. Hope you can understand that.

OP posts:
dogmandu · 11/09/2021 08:56

because I don’t want it to end

yes, but what about his feelings? What if he wants it to end? Is that even on your radar or is this just about you?

MsPavlichenko · 11/09/2021 09:02

You can’t just turn feelings off. You can act as if you have. Believe it or not that will help the process. Like ripping a plaster it’s best done quickly. What’s the alternative? Carrying on like this is not helping you to move on and start focusing on the practical issues you need to think about. Clearly living together as friends is not going to work for you (not sure it does in any situation) so you need to start planning. Doing this will
Help you emotionally too.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 09:52

He chose this he had time to make the decision then drop it on me when I was thinking he was supporting me through the start of the menopause. So that hurts in both counts. Of course he has feelings too

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 10:07

I’m sure he wouldn’t believe my feelings have changed and should I hide them and keep the peace at home that he is asking for?

OP posts:
Mariell · 11/09/2021 10:11

Have you got any real life friends as I’m staggered at your replies. It’s like your head is encased in a bubble and you only let in what you want to hear and see.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 10:33

Yes but they are all “our” friends. I was responding to one of the comments.
I’ve spoken to the doctors and been signed off work and am awaiting a counsellor through work. I’m trying to concentrate on my business to increase sales to save money. But everything is difficult when I’m feeling like this.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/09/2021 10:36

How long do they think it will be until you can start counselling?

As the dynamic is becoming increasingly toxic as you are starting to beg him (with questions etc) and he will start pulling away, which will spiral you into begging more / pleading more, which will make him placate in the short term giving you hope but emotionally pull away more which will make you spiral further etc etc

Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 10:47

Hopefully next week. I put in the request and it should clear and give a date next week.

OP posts:
BishBashBoshBush · 11/09/2021 10:58

@ccat1901

But why would you make an effort to spend more time with me, tell me he loves me, do thoughtful things like that, pay for my hairdresser, initiate cuddles and give them when I ask
He's emotionally "paying" for his housekeeper and stepmom.
Marni83 · 11/09/2021 11:16

@ccat1901

Yes but they are all “our” friends. I was responding to one of the comments. I’ve spoken to the doctors and been signed off work and am awaiting a counsellor through work. I’m trying to concentrate on my business to increase sales to save money. But everything is difficult when I’m feeling like this.
Do you literally have no friends if your own. He’s only been in your life for less than 10 years
Marni83 · 11/09/2021 11:19

@ccat1901

Yes but they are all “our” friends. I was responding to one of the comments. I’ve spoken to the doctors and been signed off work and am awaiting a counsellor through work. I’m trying to concentrate on my business to increase sales to save money. But everything is difficult when I’m feeling like this.
On what grounds signed off work?
BishBashBoshBush · 11/09/2021 11:25

Read up on Fear Obligation and Guilt. This is why he is paying for haircuts, cuddling etc etc.
He's either gay or had enough but you won't let him go.
If you love him let him go OP.
Step 1- garden shed and no more cuddles.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 11:33

Yes I do but haven’t seen them in a while, covid and we all have busy lives so lost touch a bit....
Signed off for menopausal symptoms/struggling with this situation/depression

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 11:34

First in my work I my working life I have been off sick for more than a couple of days. I’m employed part time and self employed too.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 11/09/2021 11:35

*time in my working life

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 11/09/2021 11:46

Hi OP, I have read all your comments but no one else's so lots of others may have said this already. At the moment he gets to have his cake and eat it and you get nothing.
I think you need to accept what he is saying but state clearly that you're sec drive had returned and you feel it is not something you want to live without going forward so you are happy to chip parent but will be looking for a new relationship. Maybe sign up to a dating website or join an evening class or social group of some description
The only way he will know what he truly feels about you is if he sees you move towards someone else.
I actually think he is a bit messed up in his head. Maybe he fancied this younger girl and realised he had not had those intense feelings for a long time, but that is not LOVE and he needs to realise that. It sounds to me like he actually does love you very much but it's having a mid life crisis. The more you cling the worse that will become so try and find your independent streak and see how he reacts.
Hope it works out for you as he does sound very caring..... but also confused!!