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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 10/09/2021 12:27

Starting for feel a bit angry which isn’t at all in my nature. How can you look someone deep in the eye and stick a knife through their heart?

OP posts:
Mariell · 10/09/2021 12:45

‘The life we have is great.’

For you maybe, but clearly not for him else he wouldn’t have made the drastic shift in the relationship from lover to trusty companion.

Regardless if via motives it’s not a relationship status that you would like so you do need to move on. ASAP.

Marni83 · 10/09/2021 13:14

@ccat1901

Starting for feel a bit angry which isn’t at all in my nature. How can you look someone deep in the eye and stick a knife through their heart?
He’s told you he loves you but doesn’t want to shag you

About 50% of mumsnetters feel the same about their husbands

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
Original poster
ccat1901 · 10/09/2021 13:56

How does anyone cope with that?!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/09/2021 14:01

I think he does want to see other people though eventually, so it's not that he wants an exclusive monogamous relationship with OP, just minus sex.

He had explicitly said to her that he wants to be 'best friends who live together' and also said that he will date other people 'if they are ok with the set up'.

He's blurring all the lines with the cuddles and kisses on the forehead etc but even if he didn't I don't think OP would listen to what he's actually saying - I think her grief is overpowering her ability to admit he doesn't want anything more than friendship and that a friendship with someone you're love with and attracted to (as OP is to him) who doesn't feel the same, is unhealthy and doesn't work - let alone living with them and them being an ex.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 10/09/2021 15:42

If it turned out he was gay that would be a bit easier to come to terms with I think. I’ve been reading so many websites and all say I need to be confident in me. I always have put the needs of my family above my own, that’s just the way I have always been an I’ve never been bitter or regret doing that but now I have to put myself first that in itself is difficult without everything that is going on.
Yes you 100% right, he wants to live as best friends, spend quality time together and become closer but not sexually.
He had the day off today and has been running around again after me and the kids, but I’m finding myself trying to detach a bit and watch his behaviour, watch his expressions and try and understand why.
He said on the way back from the school run he would just like some quiet time without rushing around which I can understand, but the things he is doing are what I did before I couldn’t drive, maybe breaking my toe happened for a reason for him to see exactly what I do on a daily basis.
I’m still having great waves of complete sadness and devastation but I’m trying to climb out. At one point yesterday evening we had watched a programme we always watch and relaxed and for a second it all felt normal, then I remembered and I had to go out of the room. It felt great for a bit then crashing down again but I’m not ready to be completely on my own.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 10/09/2021 16:13

@ccat1901

How does anyone cope with that?!
Well it’s hurtful devastating

But he’s not wrong to tell you that

He owns the property
His daughter doesn’t have SEN issues

He’s in the stronger position. Financially and emotionally. And yet he’s offered to move in to the garden room if too difficult for you, and has continued to drive you around etc.

He sounds pretty bloody decent to me

FlowerArranger · 10/09/2021 16:33

@ccat1901

Starting for feel a bit angry which isn’t at all in my nature. How can you look someone deep in the eye and stick a knife through their heart?
It is good that you are beginning to find your anger.

Now you must use this anger in a positive and focused manner.

  • To find a way out of this shitty mess and uncertainty
  • To get yourself in a frame of mind where you can truly move on.
  • To put your own interests at the forefront of your plans and actions.

So stop reading endless websites and start actually doing what you need to do. Have you booked counselling for yourself yet?

Also, you may want to start a new thread with these objectives in mind as most posters who've tried to help you earlier have moved on...

Original poster
ccat1901 · 10/09/2021 16:52

That sounds like a different opinion!!
That’s the man I know. That’s the man I don’t want to lose.
I’m glad we haven’t argued but I’m starting to feel so angry that he says he loves me so much and then breaks my heart.
Maybe he really can’t go on but I thought everything we had would have meant he would want to try. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 10/09/2021 16:54

I’m off
Good luck op

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/09/2021 17:15

But maybe he has been trying OP? And he's tried for a long time and now realised it's not fixable for him when it comes to you two having a romantic relationship?

I've been harsh about him on this thread as I felt he's been very manipulative but I'm conscious the more I read about you asking him stuff like are you're the best person he knows, whether you have been manipulative in a different way?

Have you threatened to harm yourself / said you can't cope / can't live without him etc? As he is perhaps reacting to that by trying to assuage his guilt about wanting to break up by doing stuff you see as helpful. And then you're seeing that as hope when actually he is maybe trying to stop you spiralling. Then it's become a vicious circle maybe...

I might be way off but you don't seem willing to believe what he's told you with his words, which has been very clear. You keep saying well then why would he do xyz, surely that means he didn't mean it etc but he sounds very sure of his decision.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 10/09/2021 17:22

Well if he thought our relationship was in so much trouble he certainly never made that blatantly obvious and saying harsh things isn’t difficult for him obviously.
No, I haven’t seen and I would harm myself but said I didn’t want us to split up and when he said those words last week I completely broke down. But yes, I have thought of things that may make him change his mind but I haven’t played emotional blackmail although I could have but did stop.
I guess he’s done everything apart from give me the answer I want and I don’t know how long it will take me to fully accept that without hoping things will change.
The thought of him with someone else makes me physically sick as I’m still so in love with him but you can’t just turn your feelings off overnight and I’ve told him that. I said I heard what he said but that it was too difficult for me to process.
He is still doing things for me which helps and doesn’t at the same time but I guess it all boils down to me not taking no for an answer (which is what I am like, pretty stubborn).

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 10/09/2021 17:25

Yes maybe the questions I asked were trying to show him how much he feels for me and that he says himself there isn’t anyone better out there, so I guess that’s manipulative and desperate.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 10/09/2021 18:05

I think I’ll stop on here now, thank you everyone.

I’ve now royally f*cked things up as he came back from
The. Dog walk and I was crying, and asked if he had
Moved on, he said no he said he was sorry and said that he didn’t think things would change but is feeling pressure from this situation, me not eating and being upset, no time of from work at all for over 2 months (7 days a week) and all the stress with his daughter and her mum
He said he feels
Like his head is going to explode. I feel guilt about being heartbroken I don’t want him to feel like that but I don’t want to feel like this either.

OP posts:
Comingup · 10/09/2021 18:17

Feel sorry for you OP but he's a gaslighter. So many folk on this thread can see it...well all of them it seems! Except you because your head is all over and you're in denial. He's no good and one day hopefully soon the scales will fall from your eyes and you'll be off to someone who deserves you.

dogmandu · 10/09/2021 19:25

it sounds like you'll keep on till you've finally got a broken man in front of you.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 10/09/2021 19:28

Especially as he said he likes snuggling in bed and likes what we have (living arrangements and being best friends).

OP posts:
StormTreader · 10/09/2021 19:42

It's nice to have someone to come home to. Its nice to have someone doing all the house admin, and to tell all about your day, and to have someone to cuddle at night, and to have someone to split the bills with.

The thing is, these are things that come with a relationship, they're actually usually the things that make people WANT to be in a relationship rather than just a fling - that "being available for them to tell you about their day" is emotional labour but usually you don't mind because you have all the relationship emotional and physical closeness to offset it.

When I first read this thread, my immediate reaction was "this is totally typical affair talk - he wants to be able to go fuck around, but still have the wifey to do the dishes, drive the kids around, and tell boring stories all about Dave at work" and I'm still not seeing anything that isn't that.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2021 19:59

@FlowerArranger made a good point about a new thread with new objectives.

Please make your appointment with health insurance to see someone you can talk to, to help you process this. For one thing, you don't know how long it will take to get an appointment. For another they will help you cope.

Perhaps it would be good for you to have a temporary truce tonight/tomorrow. You are exhausting yourself. You need to think about yourself, instead of thinking about him and what he wants or doesn't want. Plan a day or even a few hours just for yourself tomorrow, get an uber to a nice cafe, read a book or listen to a pod cast and get yourself out of the damn house so that you have a bit of space to breathe.

It is really good that he is helping with the driving and pick ups as you can't currently do that. But that is not saintly, That is normal, or should be normal co-parenting, when one is out of action, the other one helps out.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 10/09/2021 20:04

I didn’t know how much it was affecting him as he seemed so clear and together whenever we talked. I also hadn’t really thought that my actions were
Putting pressure on him, crying and being upset are natural reactions to such a bombshell, and it seemed like he had it all worked out, but it doesn’t seem
That way and we have the added stress of his daughter and her mum.
I love him too much so I’ll have to do the hardest thing and step back but it’s killing me.

OP posts:
shmashing · 10/09/2021 21:03

Horrible man. He knows just how to manipulate you.

Redgeraniums · 10/09/2021 21:20

You didn’t know how much it was affecting him
HAHAHAHA

Maassi · 10/09/2021 21:25

Flipping heck OP are you still wittering on about Ohhh but I luuuurve him?!

Jeez woman you're an emotional vampire sucking the empathy and compassion out of unsuspecting posters.

Comingup · 10/09/2021 21:31

21 pages of the OP not listening. OP have you read any of the comments at all? It's pretty unanimous. It's kind of irrelevant how much you love this person, he doesn't love you in the way you need. Keep convincing yourself if you want, it won't make it true.

FlowerArranger · 10/09/2021 23:08

@ccat1901

Especially as he said he likes snuggling in bed and likes what we have (living arrangements and being best friends).
Especially as he said he likes snuggling in bed and likes what we have (living arrangements and being best friends)

Especially as he said he likes snuggling in bed and likes what we have (living arrangements and being best friends)

Especially as he said he likes snuggling in bed and likes what we have (living arrangements and being best friends)

And so on and so forth...

What the actual fuck!!

@ccat1901 - I urge you to start a new thread in Relationships.

But really think about what you might have learned from THIS thread....... if you had been paying attention.
You need to stop spending every waking hour in some fantasy land of what might be if only........ he still loved you.
He doesnt. He no longer loves you
Let this think in.

Then plan your future - what to do with your one and only wild and precious life.
Flowers

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