Relationship ended but not what I want :(

[ccat1901]

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

to all those saying put the OP on the deeds of the house I would say if you had worked all your adult life to get a house and had children of your own, then somebody else came swanning along, would you add them to the deeds of your house? No way!

I think it's more to help OP see that he won't commit to the idea of being an entirely blended family and it being a joint home in reality despite being the one saying that everything is joint. He is making promises he can't keep because they are ridiculous both practically and emotionally.

But she's not swanning along. She's been in a relationship with him for years and he keeps saying she's his best friend and wants her to stay in house etc etc I don't think it's unreasonable to ask about the deeds for security when this situation it so unsure

He will put me on them

Well if he will, get going with it. No point in wasting time. Call up today and get it organised.

She's been in a relationship with him for years and he keeps saying she's his best friend and wants her to stay in house etc etc

well and good then. I then ask myself why they're not married. That would give her real security.

He had a bad marriage before to the mother of his daughter. We both felt that we didn't need to be married to be committed to each other. We have a strong bond that is still there. He says that I am his best friend in the world, the one person who has always been there and had his back (that was in the letter) and that is how feel. Over time with depression and menopause, dealing with new jobs in the pandemic, money worries, I guess he just lost that romantic feeling and I suppose I did too for a while, but now I have my supplements and have started going to the gym (which we did together before the pandemic) I feel 1000% better until last week of course. That's why it's so hard, I thought he was being patient and not rushing me as that's how he is, but obviously things change and I am struggling to deal with that without putting all the blame on myself. It's confusing because we are getting on better and spending more time together in the last week or so than for ages. I feel a tiny bit stronger today, but the stress with my son at school isbad timing.

Get your name on the deeds ASAP
And get your head out of the clouds. Start being practical, if this is the life you want to lead totally fine. But don’t leave yourself open to penury as an old person with no ability to financially help your ASD son or your daughter, just on the day so of what someone says to you about “letting” you stay in the house.

It’s funny because you said earlier he “let” his ex have the house. You do realise they were married and they had children so it’s highly likely that he would have been made to do that anyway, he is not some sort of saint. That was his legal obligation.

On the say so…

@ccat1901. All you can do is take this one step at a time. You have a big knot of issues to unpick. It can’t be done overnight so you have to tell yourself not to get stressed over each knew thing but add it to the list you are chipping away and and gradually things will become clearer and start resolving themselves.
But in a way that is true of all of us.
You will get there.
Your son will settle down.
You can speak to the school to help find a plan.
They know it’s caused by the disruption of returning and it sounds as if you’ve dealt with this before. Each day will make a difference. You can’t be at school with him but what practical calm things can you do when he gets home? Have a nice snack ready? Help him organise his things for the next day calmly and without pressure, let him vent if he needs to. Keep everything as calm as you can, that will really help him after a difficult day at school and swill calm down too. It’s not easy given how you feel but it’s worth a try.
It’s not great timing but you have ways of dealing with it already and have done before. Try to think of it as today’s priority task which has step by step to work though. Break things down into small pieces so that they don’t feel like such big mountains.

Your other task today was to get into your health insurance people and make an appointment ASAP to see someone in RL that you can talk to for some support/advice about how to deal with this situation and move forward.
Make an appointment with yourself to start this Step by step.
I know you are stressed but saying it sends people into a panic. “I can’t do anything because I’m stressed” .. and so it builds up into a spiral.
The school will deal with your son. He’s in the SEN building.
Break it down into tasks to be done and make a start taking the emotion out of it if you can.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff thank you that’s good advice. It’s easy for people to say just leave or get him to leave but my kids dad and I split up when they were 4 and 2. I was single for 3 or 4 years before my “ex”. They have very little contact from their dad and last saw him at the end of July for an hour so because of this he is the only dad they have known. It took nearly 9 months to get my son to change bedrooms so easy to say make changes but it’s massive for him and that isn’t an excuse.
But baby steps is all I can manage and to support him I need all my strength not to fall apart. So hard

He bought the house when him and his ex split up. They then got back together so she wasn’t on the mortgage or deeds. They took a while to divorce but it was an easy one because we waited.

Maybe today is not tge best day but I think it would be good to re read this thread and make some notes on main points for therapist.
One of the things that springs out is that you see everyone else’s needs as more important than your own.
He has a bad day seeing ex wife so you are stressed and worried on his behalf. Why? He knows what she’s like and sounds more than capable of dealing with her. Did it turn out as bad as you assumed? Is he still fine?
Your DSD is starting college and you are worried about that. She may find it hard initially but they all do. She will settle.
There’s a line between supporting family members and self sacrificing your own needs in a way throwing yourself like a cloak over their puddles, try to take their burdens onto your shoulders
But why?
They have to learn to deal with their own burdens. You can still Cher them on but It doesn’t mean that every hiccough they have means you have to get stressed about it. You should talk to the therapist about how you can put your own needs first more in your life.
Sorry to say it but your partner has a huge role in how you think of yourself. You are just as important and deserving as any one else
It makes my blood boil that your last conversation with him made you vow to “Be the Best you can be” who does he think he is? Oprah? What a damn cheek. Aren’t you doing everything you can already? When will it ever be good enough?
Please start thinking about yourself.

*cheer not Cher obviously

Crossed post. It must be difficult but your son has SEN support at school and it’s only the first day so they are the ones who can sort this out and can give advice about dealing with his requirements. So take it but by bit and get through this first week. Things will settle down at school. Rather than worry think about practical things that can be done. You will be calmer and that will reflect back to them. By practical i mean achievable possible things like sitting with him and watching his fav program while he has a snack and just listening IF he wants to talk, he may not. But while he’s at school you have your own things to deal with and that comes first. Focus on yourself and let Partner sort out his own problems today or help with his own DD

He's no longer the same person you was in a relationship with, he's changed, has different needs and wants. Honestly how I would cope with this I can't imagine. It does however appear he is being too, too nice over all this, probably to relieve his own guilt.
The family dynamics are no longer what they were, that's his doing I'm afraid.
Would the man you love and trusted two weeks ago of done this to you and your family? If not you are now 'friends' with someone you don't even really know. Do you want to be friends? Do you want a lover and trusted, reliable partner?
You have many choices here.
Stay as you are, walk away completely, back off and prove you don't need the person who seems to expect you to mould into what suits him best.
What if you are a woman in your prime, confident, strong and knows what she wants and deserves and can deal with her emotions in a graceful way. What if he's the one that looks back in 12 months time full of regret for thinking there was something or someone out there that was better for him, because honestly and truly a person that worships you and wants to spend his life with you would not do this to you.
His words and his actions are to comfort himself not you.
Start your new way of life today, don't stand back and let him leave you behind whilst he gets a head start on his.
It'll be a rollercoaster, you know there will be highs and lows for the foreseeable. But have faith in yourself along the way.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff. I love the idea of Chering somebody on.

Ask yourself what would Cher do?

As a aside OP you mention that you are menopausal & that supplements are helping your symptoms. This is great but be aware that menopausal symptoms come & go. They may just be just in abeyance at the moment & arrive back with a vengeance.

@nancyonthebike but how can he still be saying these things, do so much for my kids and me at the moment as I have a broken toe so can't drive? It seems a vastly elaborate show

but how can he still be saying these things, do so much for my kids and me at the moment as I have a broken toe so can't drive? It seems a vastly elaborate show

Oh I don’t know… because he is an utter, unadulterated cunt maybe? 🤷‍♀️

Because if you were were listening to a friend you adored who was telling you all this, what would you actually think? What would you actually believe? Would you feel suspicious of her partners behaviour? Would this sit right with you and advise her to do what you're doing. It's so hard because you're seeing it from your perspective as on 'he wouldn't do this to me'
I'll bet you never got into your last relationship (daughter's father) thinking he would be a twat either.
Somehow, I can't for the life of me work out why but men do this. I just don't want you to be a sucker. I have a feeling deep down that you do actually realise what he's orchestrating but you want to deny it being real, I'd probably do the same in these early days. I'd fight for normality to just feel safe. I think ultimately I wish I would have the strength and confidence to confront it. I'm glad you are getting support on here. Everyone is rooting for you.
I'm not Slagging him off he may well have issues, and that becomes even more hard to deal with because you still care. But he's been horrid to you. You don't deserve this. I hope I'm wrong but I don't see why he would do this if there wasn't someone else on the horizon,he's got above himself here. He had a family he cares for, but somehow became entangled with something/someone who can relieve him of that. He's finding this hard too, he knows what he's doing is wrong and he needs someone there to keep it right, he's hoping you'll pick up the pieces of his family (your kids and his) because he simply hasn't the balls to do so. It's very mean of him to do this.

Because he is a coward.

Because he wants to have his cake and eat it too - ie. your "wifework" on tap around the house and for the family (emotional support for him and daughter), but without the financial or emotional commitment of a marriage or a romantic partnership - thus freeing him up to find that romantic partnership elsewhere.

Because he doesn't want to disrupt his daughter and knows your domestic labour around the house is giving her a safe and welcoming place to stay when her home life is unstable.

Because he thinks you'll take this "better" than him breaking up with you.

Because he's an emotionally manipulative asshole.

Because he's a people pleaser who is desperate to say anything to keep you happy that still means he can not have any expectation to have sex with you, hence he can have sex with others (since you guys are no longer in a relationship).

Lots of possibilities. But the one thing that is consistent is that he's following a script. The whole "I love you but I'm not "in love" with you" is a universal line. There's even a cartoon of it on the Chump Lady website. He may not have cheated yet (though "connection girl" surely ranks high up there) but he's obviously laying the groundwork for him to have a relationship with someone in the future that isn't you, and where does that lead? Does she move in? Does he move out? Do you keep doing the emotional labour with him and the kids while this happens, and for what in return - the right to be a precarious lodger in his house, whose right to remain there depends solely on how he's feeling any particular day?

It doesn't matter why he's doing it, all that you can do is decide whether you're going to accept this state of affairs.

[quote ccat1901]@nancyonthebike but how can he still be saying these things, do so much for my kids and me at the moment as I have a broken toe so can't drive? It seems a vastly elaborate show[/quote]
Because he wants to be 'the good guy'. Unfortunately as soon as he meets someone that will change OP. Then you'll be the ex who wouldn't let him leave / he had to look after you / he was trying to make sure you were ok blah blah blah - that's all the stuff he will feed the next woman he wants to be with. Don't let him make you live a half life, it would be unbearable.

@Xiaoxiong

Because he is a coward.

Because he wants to have his cake and eat it too - ie. your "wifework" on tap around the house and for the family (emotional support for him and daughter), but without the financial or emotional commitment of a marriage or a romantic partnership - thus freeing him up to find that romantic partnership elsewhere.

Because he doesn't want to disrupt his daughter and knows your domestic labour around the house is giving her a safe and welcoming place to stay when her home life is unstable.

Because he thinks you'll take this "better" than him breaking up with you.

Because he's an emotionally manipulative asshole.

Because he's a people pleaser who is desperate to say anything to keep you happy that still means he can not have any expectation to have sex with you, hence he can have sex with others (since you guys are no longer in a relationship).

Lots of possibilities. But the one thing that is consistent is that he's following a script. The whole "I love you but I'm not "in love" with you" is a universal line. There's even a cartoon of it on the Chump Lady website. He may not have cheated yet (though "connection girl" surely ranks high up there) but he's obviously laying the groundwork for him to have a relationship with someone in the future that isn't you, and where does that lead? Does she move in? Does he move out? Do you keep doing the emotional labour with him and the kids while this happens, and for what in return - the right to be a precarious lodger in his house, whose right to remain there depends solely on how he's feeling any particular day?

It doesn't matter why he's doing it, all that you can do is decide whether you're going to accept this state of affairs.

Put it way better than me. All of this.

You are hurting more right now because he's leading you on than you would be if if was truthful. He has said he wants to be friends, but giving you indications you are still all that matters.
You're not what matters most to him now, no matter what spiel he gives you. He has made the decision he knows what he wants but is requesting you go along with that to not rock the dynamics.