Relationship ended but not what I want :(

[ccat1901]

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff yes things will stay as they are for now I think.
I’m just trying to find a way through but I’m still reeling from the bombshell.
I think I need to stop asking questions, calling or messaging when he isn’t here, although something happened at work and he called me straight away to tell me!
I can feel that I’m holding on for dear life and although I have looked into his eyes when he said he’s sorry he doesn’t see me romantically anymore I still can’t accept it. I guess time will help move that on. I’ve just felt so lonely today which is why I’ve contacted him as that is what I would have done, it’s quiet and then it hits me that I’m alone.

It is sad when everyone goes back to school in September, but time to think Is exactly what you need. Get some fresh air in the garden and start making lists of what You want to do.
How you would like life to be if you were independent?

It’s also your chance to get online and find out what your rights and options are, which local services could you go to for support and advice and start planning to see them. At the moment you are home alone dealing with what has been a massive shock and being bombarded with confusing and contradictory behaviour from

• what would one call him now DP? ex DP? Friend?

rather than feeling overwhelmed with worry. Make a plan A, a plan B or even C etc. You don’t have to act on them until you are ready but It might make you feel more in control and help clarify your decision making once you have processed this upheaval.

Thinking about your daughters A level issue, I can understand your concerns but also note a pp saying it might be better if you make a plan now in case the situation cannot be contained later on.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff that’s good advice but at the moment I don’t see me on my own. I have to work to that but at the moment I can’t . I’m sure many will say it’s because he is manipulating the situation but I’m allowing that and I’m enjoying the time we spend together like old times, he does too. I’m re reading the letter he gave me and all the updates which help see from a clear perspective

It's so tough because he's saying you can still have 80% of the life you had together and that sounds like a good deal until you realise that the 20% he will no longer give you is 1. the part that makes you feel wanted, appreciated, connected and is 2. the part that when absent will chip away at your self esteem, self worth and self image. Until that missing 20% occupies 100% of your headspace and you're a shell of yourself.

Think of it like this. He's essentially asking you to fit into the mould of a partner he is willing for you to exist in. Not to be the partner YOU want to be or to be able to ask HIM to make changes. Not to exist as the person you already are, in your entirety. Just to fit the mould of what he wants and needs, play the part he wants and needs, regardless of the fact that he knows full well it will damage your confidence and mental health. That isn't love. It's manipulation. And arrogance to be honest x

He does seem a bit distant today, maybe that’s because we are both tired or because of all that’s going on with his daughter today. Or it maybe that I woke up in the night freaking out he had done something with someone else.
I don’t like it. If this is what the future is like that’s not good.

@ccat1901

He does seem a bit distant today, maybe that’s because we are both tired or because of all that’s going on with his daughter today. Or it maybe that I woke up in the night freaking out he had done something with someone else. I don’t like it. If this is what the future is like that’s not good.

The future is this, plus you having even less confidence as time goes by and having to watch him start seeing people romantically. I understand you're not ready to leave yet but I think you need to start really trying to think about what he's asking of you and how it would be torture for you. It will genuinely make you ill. You woke up upset after dreaming about him with someone else and feel like shit, think how you'll feel when he's actually going on dates. And he'll start lying about it and then when you find out he will say he didn't tell you because he didn't want to upset you... when this whole set up couldn't do anything other than upset you.

There is zero chance you can live a happy, fulfilled, healthy life when the dynamic is this uneven and one party is dictating the terms and overpowering the other party through manipulation and carrot dangling.

We will all be here for you along the way and I know what we say must be shit to hear but it's the reality and when the scales fall from your eyes I really get the sense you're going to see a lot of his past behaviour very differently. He doesn't deserve the pedestal you've put him on. He is not kind to you.

Upholding a pretence is unsustainable for any length of time and the resulting breakdown is going to be far worse than how things are now.

He is cooling as he realises that it’s going to be more difficult than he thought in pretending that he has even the slightest feeling or respect for you.

Sadly, when people allow themselves to be manipulated thinking they will be liked the manipulator despises them even more and his contempt for you will be revealed and it will hit you like a ton of bricks unless you take matters into your own hands now.

At least start putting some boundaries in place that come from YOU and not him, so you can start getting used to feeling in control of your behaviour rather than sleepwalking into doing what he says. I would suggest telling him you want two clear boundaries in place from today:

• No bed sharing because it's unfair on you as he's made it clear you want nothing romantic

• No hand holding / kiss on head / cuddling because it's unfair on you as he's made it clear you want nothing romantic

Would you feel able to do some initial boundary setting like that to start regaining some of your autonomy over the dynamic?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

At least start putting some boundaries in place that come from YOU and not him, so you can start getting used to feeling in control of your behaviour rather than sleepwalking into doing what he says. I would suggest telling him you want two clear boundaries in place from today:

• No bed sharing because it's unfair on you as he's made it clear you want nothing romantic

• No hand holding / kiss on head / cuddling because it's unfair on you as he's made it clear you want nothing romantic

Would you feel able to do some initial boundary setting like that to start regaining some of your autonomy over the dynamic?

Sorry those two points were obviously meant to say because he's made it clear he doesn't want anything romantic.

I can see that is a good idea, I’ll need to work upto that. He said he liked cuddling as I said I did too.
I’ll have to do things gradually at a snails pace probably but I’ll try.
It’s just nice not to feel alone but I know it’s only friends

This is the sort of thing I always think when I see threads asking about moving to the countryside with kids and teens

I lived in arse end of no where when I was teen

No bloody way was I putting my children (and me!) through that!

Wrong thread

@ccat1901

I can see that is a good idea, I’ll need to work upto that. He said he liked cuddling as I said I did too. I’ll have to do things gradually at a snails pace probably but I’ll try. It’s just nice not to feel alone but I know it’s only friends

The truth is OP that you can never successfully seek comfort for a break up from the person who has broken up with you. It just doesn't work. It delays the inevitable, blurs boundaries and increases the dynamic of one person being in control and one person being devastated. You need to start building bits of your life that don't involve him and putting boundaries like the ones I suggested in place. Otherwise it's going to hit you like an even bigger tonne of bricks when he meets someone / says the set up isn't working.

The person who has broken you can't fix you. You have to do that yourself with help from others, but not from him.

Cuddles etc are short term relief only delaying the inevitable pain and grieving process you'll have to go through at some point anyway x

I feel like I can’t cope right now. Waiting for him to come back with his daughter- I know that would have been stressful with her mum, it’s stressful on a good day. I just want to call. I’ve read so many pages online and this forum that say work on yourself but I can’t get past this anxious knot in my stomach.
We are supposed to watch the football tonight as we both enjoy that, I think the only way I can cope is to watch it, detach from the whole situation and accept this is what it would be like going forward.
When you are together you have trust and don’t worry what the other person is doing. In this situation I am as there is no longer that boundary. That’s what I have to deal with whether he is here or not because I still love him. I have to let that go I know.

I have only just come across your thread. This is an incredibly thought thing you are going through - I know how it feels. But YOU MUST start making plans to live apart. You are just punishing yourself by staying with this man. He has made his position clear. Being alone is 1000 times better than being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

It was really bad with his daughters mum :(

Would you maybe be able to book some private counselling? And ask him to chip in if you can't afford it out of 'your' money - if your finances aren't shared (not sure of your set up) as that could be a helpful way of you slowly trying to unravel your thoughts on this - which are understandably totally overwhelming at the moment.

If he wants you to be ok, which he keeps saying he does, he will help with you having some SOLO counselling - not with him - to support you at the moment.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I can get it through work as we have private health insurance and access to an employee assistance program.

@ccat1901

It was really bad with his daughters mum :(

I know you sound like a really caring person but this is not your problem. You have bigger issues to deal with. Don't use this as an excuse. It was also really bad for you with him. You can't just pretend for them.

[quote ccat1901]@youvegottenminuteslynn I can get it through work as we have private health insurance and access to an employee assistance program.[/quote]
Definitely start that ASAP, it will help build your resilience and boundaries.

I think I need to stop asking questions, calling or messaging when he isn’t here, although something happened at work and he called me straight away to tell me

I’m not sure what you mean by stop asking questions do you mean asking him questions about the relationship and where it is atm?
Is that because you are getting the vibe from him that it’s not cool to ask him any more questions about the situation.
If it’s the latter I think you have the right to ask him as many questions as you like in order to get a clear straight answer which isn’t muffled with a load of misleading mixed messages.
He knows you very well. You are quite open about how you feel about him. He can hardly be in any doubt of that. Which is what makes his behaviour so odd.

As to messaging him at work, I think you should try not to and use the time apart to try to process your own feelings and not worry so much about his.

At the end of our conversation yesterday, he said he was happy to keep everything the same but not romantically. I said that I wanted the romantic side. That was the brief version, but I keep thinking about when he finally decided, what changed his mind and made him tell me, why doesn't he want to fight for our relationship which had been great (few ups and downs as anyone has but nothing ever major), why does he only want part of me. He said he wants me to be the best I can be but at the moment I can't see that far ahead - all through our relationship he has been a driving force, and helped set up my current business, always helping. He said we have a unique connection and that is what I feel but I just can't accept there is no hope and that things won't change, but I am having to come to this conclusion by some of his actions. But that hurts.
I know that keeping picking isn't good and that by having a conversation and then having time to think is better than a million questions which I feel once I start will become more and more ridiculous. We agreed we would leave things as they are and speak in a few weeks but I think you're right, I need the quiet days to try and process, even though sobbing at home today I sort of had an out of body view and couldn't believe the pain I was in watching me cry.
One of my more irrational questions was about Christmas and he said he would still be here! I'm just going to try and process in the day and break as much contact as I can. But that's hard to do after so long and always speaking/messaging loads. A new day tomorrow.

Oh you poor thing. Until you take control and make plans to move out the power will stay with him.

He has a date for his van to be carpeted our and windows in which we had been planning for a while, but now I finding myself saying do you think you should, why are you getting it done and have you plans to stay in it! He was a bit cross and said I’m not planning on staying in it

I thought he said he would stay in the garden room already?