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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 08:13

He understood what I said, but I don't think he had realised how much it is hurting me

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 08:19

@Mariell we knew that it was likely to happen as her mum recently moved about 25 miles away to a place that is difficult for her to get to college easily. The situation with her mum has always been difficult and over the years sometimes she is here a lot sometimes she is there a lot and other times a more even split. This is what she wants. Yes it does seem unfair to present a united front but it's also more unfair to give her anymore stress right now, she had her first day at college yesterday and had a terrible day, she was very anxious and upset and her mum picked her up and more stress. She is coming back here after college when he has taken her to get more stuff. I know people say it's an excuse but seriously unless you have lived with the mothers actions for the past 9 years no one understands, we think she has bi polar disorder but she will not accept there is anything wrong with here.
Yes, it's his choice but she feels so lost to add this bombshell that her dad has caused is too much. I know most will disagree but until you live with this situation and see the mental health affects on a young girl then you would understand.

OP posts:
shmashing · 08/09/2021 08:28

I'd be making plans to move out with my children immediately if I were you, The relationship is over. Leave him with his daughter to get on with their lives and you can make a new life for,yourselves.

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Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 08:42

Easier said than done - neither of us have a pot of money mainly due to the pandemic so that is not feasible right now but I will start puttting more effort into my little business to get some money though

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/09/2021 08:52

I think this sounds like such a painful situation for you to be in but it might really help you to find someone in RL to talk to for a bit of support during such a confusing time. Couples counselling can be for individuals too or perhaps your GP will have some suggestions. It’s really important to take good care of yourself and try some de stressing techniques to help you cope. It’s sounds as if the status quo will remain atm which gives you time to think about what you yourself want. Once you can drive again it will give you a chance to get more advice and support.

Mariell · 08/09/2021 09:06

You are putting a huge emphasis on the care of HIS daughter whilst allowing yourself and your son to take second place.

I honestly think you are using her as an excuse to still play happy families even though you know it’s a charade.

I’m not saying that you don’t have genuine feelings for the girl but you are so over the top about doing what you think is the right thing for her that it makes your motives sound suspicious.

It’s like he is is using the daughters situation to keep you there as the steady influence and good old companion in all your lives and you are using the daughters situation as the reason for staying and pretending to be happy families just so you can bask in a little of the sunshine he sometimes casts your way as you are too afraid to move on and find true love and happiness.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 09:24

Yes I can see how that looks, her needs are top right now, my son is ok as long as things remain the same. School will be hard as it has changed again after covid. People don’t understand an asd kid, if he forgets something from home I have to take it in as he runs off and hides at school somhige change at hone will undo the past years of good work. Yes sounds like and excuse but is putting your children first wrong!? Once I can get through this, which I can’t see happening quickly I can then put myself first

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/09/2021 10:06

@ccat1901

He understood what I said, but I don't think he had realised how much it is hurting me
He doesn't realise how much it hurts for a long term partner to say they no longer have any romantic interest in you / attraction to you / the physical sexual side of the relationship is over? Really? Well he's either a liar or an idiot in that case.

He is so manipulative. Saying you must have forgotten something massive he told you before?

Come on OP, he's treating you like you're stupid. Stop letting him or he will break you and you'll stay no matter what, even when he starts using his free pass.

Mariell · 08/09/2021 10:19

Her needs are the responsibility of her mother and father not yours.

You may think it earns you Brownie points with her father but he is relying on your not wanting to leave the relationship because he knows you have a misguided sense of duty towards HIS daughter.

He really is a piece of work.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 10:32

Just got dropped home from gym, he’s really upset about his daughter. We are both tired as well and I’ve just got in and sobbed. I’ve been holding that it. No one here apart from me and the dog. Said thanks for helping with kids/lifts and again he said my pleasure. As I got out the van I said love you and he said love you too.
I think I can see more now

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 10:33

I feel so shaky too - gym but I’m just struggling to eat - that normally isn’t a problem for me. I know I have to come to terms with it but I just can’t right now. I’ve taken week off work and they have given me a number to call and will support me they said.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 10:35

I’m going to try and catch on my orders for my business but I just can’t focus but I have to

OP posts:
Mariell · 08/09/2021 10:35

He’s going to say any old crap to stop you from leaving as he needs you there to keep the family unit together for the sake of HIS daughter.

However he can’t stomach the thought of being intimate or romantic with you so has made that perfectly clear to you whilst love bombing you in every other area of your life.

He pulls the strings and you dance.

Mariell · 08/09/2021 10:37

I know it’s awful but you are only prolonging it and getting deeper and deeper into the madness.

Being proactive and setting yourself free will involve difficult times but once it’s done you will have a huge weight off your shoulders and can start living again just for you and your son.

Excelthetube · 08/09/2021 10:38

I hope one of you has moved to the garden room

Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 10:44

When we talked yesterday I said did he want everything to stay the same and he said yes. I again raised the issue of when he find someone someone else and he said if they could handle him living with his partner (yes!! Then they weren’t right.
He said he would always be here for me and never leave me and I said he has to understand that what he wants isn’t what I want right now.
I think I’m really messed up as he had a show st the park where the other girl is (although swears nothing has happened) and I knew he was running late and was glad as that’s meant he had to go straight in and set up the show. He always leaves straight away as he always calls as soon as he leaves any show (unless I’m doing the show with him). I know the times he is on and how long it takes to pack down as I’ve done it for 8 years. HE has 3 more shoes there over the next 3 weeks and I keep having irrational thoughts of how to make them difficult but that just shows how messed up I am. I can’t bear the thought of him with someone else it is literally killing me, the park owner asked him to stay for a few beers and he said no he had to get home.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 10:46

I have a daughter too who is just starting the last year of her a levels

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 08/09/2021 10:52

Has one of you moved into the garden room

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/09/2021 10:56

He is a master manipulator and incredibly selfish OP. Properly nasty to say he would never leave you but doesn't want to have any romantic relationship with you, but will be having sex / a relationship with other people in future if they're happy with the set up.

To even suggest that, knowing how you feel, makes him an absolute arsehole. How dare he?!

"I'll never leave you... I'll just slowly erode away your confidence until I find someone I want to have sex with, they say they aren't happy with the set up so I then do leave you."

That is what will happen. I'm very angry on your behalf OP and I hope that at some point you find your anger too and the scales fall. I have a feeling when they do he will crash down from the pedestal you've put him on and you'll see him for what he is. A user.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 10:56

No not yet

OP posts:
StormTreader · 08/09/2021 11:00

The thing is though, he IS still having a romantic relationship with you, thats the issue and what makes it cruel.
All this "love" and "missus" and naked cuddling in bed and handholding IS romantic behaviour and thats why its messing with your head. Its the sexual relationship that hes called an end to, but not any of the behaviour that traditionally leads to that.

Even if you were to say hes moved to "like having a gay best friend", that friend still wouldnt sleep in the same bed as you and certain not naked and cuddling.

Mariell · 08/09/2021 11:09

I can assure you that the moment his heart is all a flutter and his dick is salivating over another woman that you will not be the loving companion or ‘missus’ when he describes you to her but you will be referred to as being the millstone around his neck.

He will tell her that he wanted to leave but you begged him not to and he’s such a lovely man (eye roll) that he couldn’t stand to break your heart, whilst making sad eyes at his new fancy woman.

He’s nothing but trash so throw him out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/09/2021 11:22

@StormTreader

The thing is though, he IS still having a romantic relationship with you, thats the issue and what makes it cruel. All this "love" and "missus" and naked cuddling in bed and handholding IS romantic behaviour and thats why its messing with your head. Its the sexual relationship that hes called an end to, but not any of the behaviour that traditionally leads to that.

Even if you were to say hes moved to "like having a gay best friend", that friend still wouldnt sleep in the same bed as you and certain not naked and cuddling.

Brilliant post. This is such a good point and important distinction. In fact it's the root of why OP is feeling so confused by his actions. Holding hands, kisses on forehead, love you etc. All romantic. But he says he doesn't want the romantic side of things. Which means he's doing something he doesn't want to do so must have an ulterior motive. And that motive is to keep OP where she is until he is ready to move on aka until he meets someone else. What he doesn't want with OP in reality is the sexual side of things, so he's presumably going to continue as he is now (as he's said he doesn't want it to change) while shagging other people. So he'll kiss OP on her forehead, hold her hand naked in bed, cuddle her, tell her he loves her... while merrily shagging other people and in his head have a clear conscience as he's told OP he doesn't want a romantic relationship. In fact he's cherry picking the bits he does and doesn't want. Ugh poor OP this man sounds so horrible and you have him on such a pedestal it comes across when you write about him. He must know you hold him in that high esteem too which makes it all the worse he's manipulating you.
Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 12:39

Well the cuddling in bed won’t happen as he has hurt his shoulder in the gym today and wearing clothes.
Just wish my toe was better and I could get out more - I’m sure that would help. Home alone as kids back at school so it feels lonely and too much time to think

OP posts:
Mariell · 08/09/2021 12:48

Every moment of your life is precious.

You are wasting your time on someone who only has his best interests at heart.

Instead of moping and naval gazing which will only serve to make you feel worse why don’t you spend your time being pro active in getting out of this mess as soon as possible?

Start by removing all of his clothing and personal grooming bits and dumping them in a heap in the garden room.

You are no longer his cook, cleaner and surrogate mother for his daughter.

A boot up his arse wouldn’t go amiss either. (Lighthearted I’m not advocating violence).

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