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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
thingymaboob · 06/09/2021 15:44

I just don't think there's anything anyone else can say to you now that hasn't been said already. You're going around in circles. Asking questions to this forum that you need to be asking him. Pretty much ignoring what the majority have said and making excuses. I can understand that this must be an awful shock and an upsetting time for you. IMO You have no self respect and you're desperately clinging on that this man will change his feelings. You're allowing this to happen. This is a time when you need space to get your head together, not spending more time with him cuddling naked in bed. Why don't you try counselling, now? It might help you move through this emotionally.

Also, are you definitely going to be happy if in a years time you've lost weight, got fitter and he does then want a sexual relationship? Won't you feel awful, betrayed? Like, that he will only love you if you are thin and fit and after you've put on a show that you are everything he needs? You're worth more than this. Can't you see?

FireworkParrot · 06/09/2021 15:56

OP seriously, get some self respect. I know it's hard because you love him but he is being cruel, even if it's unintentional. You'll sleep naked and cuddle in bed with a man who doesn't want to have sex with you ever again and doesn't fancy you anymore. That's not what "best friends" do. You are now allowing this to happen, I agree with the PP that said you're complicit in your own destruction. I know you wish it were different and are desperately hoping he'll change his mind but there's no coming back from what he's said. Wake up woman!

Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 16:15

He has never been that worried about my weight over the years which has gone up and down. I lost me and that’s where the underlying attraction was. Since my supplements and the past week spending time together I’ve felt like myself again (apart from the broken heart). He even said we’ve spent more time than ever together and it’s been great and I’m awesome. So I’m not ignoring comments but as someone else said no one knows what we are like as people, so I am clinging on as I’m feeling like me and we are enjoying each others company again. I don’t feel ready to give up. We will talk again soon as that is what we said we’d do the other day.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 16:17

I appreciate all the comments and this in itself is like therapy as I can document what happens to read back later

OP posts:
Yerdoinmanapperinwiyerpish · 06/09/2021 16:17

I don’t feel ready to give up.

Ye don’t say.

Marni83 · 06/09/2021 16:19

Op, do you work? Have friends? Hobbies?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 16:29

@Marni83 yes I work part time from home and also have a little sewing business. Friends are mutual really.

OP posts:
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 06/09/2021 16:30

So…he’s saying to your face that he never wants to have sex ever again? I wouldn’t rule out that he’s impotent and this means he doesn’t have to face it.

thingymaboob · 06/09/2021 16:35

@ccat1901

I appreciate all the comments and this in itself is like therapy as I can document what happens to read back later
You need to speak to a professional, not lots of strangers on Mumsnet. It's not the same as seeing a therapist. You need to speak to a real person about it. You aren't even talking to your friends and family about it
thingymaboob · 06/09/2021 16:36

@SweetBabyCheeses99

So…he’s saying to your face that he never wants to have sex ever again? I wouldn’t rule out that he’s impotent and this means he doesn’t have to face it.
Well we know he can definitely get a hard on as he had one this week whilst cuddling OP naked in bed (but only as friends, there's nothing sexual going to happen). Sleeping naked in bed only as friends.
Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 19:47

GOodness now he’s running round picking up my daughter and her boyfriend- he took me to the beach so I could sit there on the dog walk, gave my daughter two lifts now . He hasn’t stopped all day and I know he’s tired but doesn’t want me to drive but rest my foot.
I have contacted where I work and they have channels for support so I have that when I want.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 06/09/2021 20:15

Has he always been like this?

Or is this post “no sex” letter

Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 20:26

@Marni83 he has always helped and supported me but I guess it’s because I can only drive short distances and can’t walk too far because of my toe. We always made a good team

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/09/2021 21:07

I think some counselling solo ASAP would really benefit you OP. Because when you're so desperate for something not to be true, you can reason away all logic and I think that's what's happening here. He could throw you a scrap of hope and that's what you'd cling to even with an absolute avalanche of evidence to the contrary. The fact you aren't willing or able to ask him outright if he ever wants a romantic relationship with you anymore says it all - you don't want to hear the answer because it will hurt. But the answer won't change and the longer you stay the more it will hurt.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 22:01

Yes work have channels o can use they said.
I guess that his actions contradict what he said which is why it’s hard.
I know we have to have the conversation about how things are soon, as we agreed that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 07/09/2021 17:02

Spoke today, the romantic side of our relationship isn't there for him. He wants everything to stay the same, he isn't looking for anyone else right now and he doesn't want to lose me or the "relationship" that we have. I told him how him meeting someone is making me feel and I don't think he actually knew how much it is hurting me that there is a physical pain. I was honest and said when he wasn't at home my mind was racing that he would meet someone and because he wanted everything the same but wanted to have a "free pass" as well. I don't think he really understood. He doesn't know if things will change, but he said he will move out or stay or do whatever makes me happy but he can't give me the romantic side of a relationship right now. It was a really hard conversation to have but I feel I now have the upper hand slightly to choose how I want things to go. Neither of us want the kids to be disrupted and I felt bad in a way for saying how much it is affecting me - I said he had had months to come to his decision but I had just a week. He said he had mentioned it before but I don't actually recall the conversations as I was deep in menopausal depression/changes.

OP posts:
thingymaboob · 07/09/2021 17:13

Well there's a bit of progress then. You must be really gutted as I think you had some false hope this week which was perpetuated by his mixed messages. Do you agree that sleeping naked in bed from now on is probably not the best idea? You have to start sleeping separately...

Original poster
ccat1901 · 07/09/2021 17:39

Yes, and yes gutted. It’s so hurtful to look straight into his eyes with long eye contact to be told that he can give me everything we have now just not the romantic side.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 07/09/2021 19:57

With the best will in the world, you do not have the upper hand.

This is all dictated by him.

Your input to what he wants to happen is precisely nowt.

I have never been on a thread that makes me want to hoof someone into reality so much.

He. Will. Break. You.

And you will be fortunate to come out of it without long term damage/issues.

Lose the blinkers. Find your steel.

Heffapotamus · 07/09/2021 21:09

I've been where you are. Get out. If you don't, you are in for a world of pain - just delayed, which makes it worse. You are worth so much more than this. Your kids will survive and thrive. Know that you are worth loving, worth fighting for. He won't change. I'm sorry but he won't x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/09/2021 23:52

He said he had mentioned it before but I don't actually recall the conversations as I was deep in menopausal depression/changes

You are suffering so much from his announcement of last week. It seems that if he'd mentioned the same thing to you previously you would have noticed.

Menopause doesn't erase important conversations.

And if you were deep in depression and suffering what the hell was he doing choosing that moment to tell you (in a way that you immediately forgot)
He's conning you into thinking that you've had a long time to come to terms with this when in fact you haven't.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/09/2021 00:02

my mind was racing that he would meet someone and because he wanted everything the same but wanted to have a "free pass" as well. I don't think he really understood

How is that difficult for him to understand? That's just a way of totally ignoring your point, and changing the subject.

The romantic side of our relationship isn't there for him...he can't give me the romantic side of a relationship right now
He doesn't know if things will change

He's said over and over again that he doesn't want a romantic relationship. Its the one thing he actually has been clear about. So he knows he's not changing his mind. Why is he saying he doesn't know if things will change? He does know. It seems like a soothing thing to say that will keep you docile and co-operative.

Mariell · 08/09/2021 00:06

It’s sad because we all knew what he was going to say but you still cling to some hope that he would change his mind.

I’m gob smacked that he said he previously told you but you must not of heard!

In light of this do you now accept that his recent behaviour of being extra close to you and fawning over your foot and playing MrKind and Considerate is nothing short of being smarmy and insincere?

Truly dreadful behaviour the way he has tried to manipulate you into accepting a loveless relationship.

I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him!

Original poster
ccat1901 · 08/09/2021 07:40

I had to have that conversation again. I know that in a week he wouldn’t have suddenly changed his mind.
It was hard.
He’s doing the school run today so I don’t have to drive, he hasn’t done the school run for years as it always worked with me doing it around work. He’s then after work, picking up hid daughter as she is moving back in with us full time(well 5/6 days a week). She had been at her mums nearly full time until recent events with her mum. She needs stability and calm- she had already said it’s not stressful here like her mums.
I’m going to struggle

OP posts:
Mariell · 08/09/2021 07:51

He is responsible for his daughter not you and untimely it’s unfair of you both to present yourselves as a happy family to his daughter.

I said he was buttering your up and he has been fawning over you as he most likely knew the situation with his daughter and that’s she was coming to live permanently with you and he’s manipulated you to accepting that your still together so that you are there for his daughter.

That’s massively cruel to you and his daughter.