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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/09/2021 15:46

@thingymaboob I don’t really worry about the house now, as I said he let his ex wife live here and move her new partner in and they stayed for a bout a year when they decided to move out.
It is something that will happen but not immediate.
I know about the “morning wood” but this was after he had got up, taken dog out and come back to bed and had another cuddle!

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/09/2021 15:50

I didn’t want anyone to know that was my choice that he agreed to, apart from his mum, he didn’t want to tell her.
I do feel like I did when we were first friends, friends with benefits before starting a relationship, I guess as it happened before I thought it could happen again.
More to work through

OP posts:
thingymaboob · 05/09/2021 15:56

@Marni83 she might possibly have some rights due to being a common law wife and having a child who has ASD. It's not a simple case and I think she should see a solicitor to get advice.

If he actually had the balls to split properly and she was made "homeless" (in a situation where she has no rights to house) because the relationship had broken up, the local council would have an obligation to house her and her dependents but as he's playing this weird game, she's absolutely trapped in this shit show. If he said "the relationship is over, you need to move out, she'd be homeless and would be housed by local authority and given support.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 15:56

I do feel like I did when we were first friends, friends with benefits before starting a relationship, I guess as it happened before I thought it could happen again.

But you aren't FWB or anywhere near that because he doesn't want to have sex with and has outright told you that.

I think you don't want to tell your friends because that will make it real and they will say it's madness to go along with the set up he's suggested.

Which I totally get as it's horrible having to say out loud, to people you care about, that your partner has absolutely gutted you. But it might help to talk to them IRL as well as us on here and have a few sources of emotional support because you're going to need them in the next few weeks and months especially.

You do need to stop kidding yourself by saying you're happier than ever in each other's company at the moment because that simply isn't true. You're anxious, terrified, devastated and lost. You're just playing at happy because you think if you do it well enough he will see you how he used to and take back everything he said.

I've been in your place to an extent with exes and it's fucking exhausting. You can't love someone hard enough for two.

Marni83 · 05/09/2021 15:59

[quote thingymaboob]@Marni83 she might possibly have some rights due to being a common law wife and having a child who has ASD. It's not a simple case and I think she should see a solicitor to get advice.

If he actually had the balls to split properly and she was made "homeless" (in a situation where she has no rights to house) because the relationship had broken up, the local council would have an obligation to house her and her dependents but as he's playing this weird game, she's absolutely trapped in this shit show. If he said "the relationship is over, you need to move out, she'd be homeless and would be housed by local authority and given support.[/quote]
Er you have kind of just precisely supported my point

Why on earth would he want to butter up

He’s hand down in stronger financial position

Marni83 · 05/09/2021 15:59

[quote ccat1901]@thingymaboob I don’t really worry about the house now, as I said he let his ex wife live here and move her new partner in and they stayed for a bout a year when they decided to move out.
It is something that will happen but not immediate.
I know about the “morning wood” but this was after he had got up, taken dog out and come back to bed and had another cuddle![/quote]
He doesn’t exactly sound like the devil incarnate

OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 05/09/2021 16:04

I think you need to clarify -does he love you but not want the sexual aspect -ie committed, loving, asexual relationship? - or does he want you to be friends? The two are different.

thingymaboob · 05/09/2021 16:07

@ccat1901 so he had an erection whilst cuddling you in bed and he categorically doesn't want to use that erection for sex with you? Doesn't that make you feel awful? Why are you putting yourself in this position? You need to dig deep and find some self respect. I honestly mean that I'm the kindest way possible. This situation is unbelievable, it's truly heartbreaking. You're just letting this all happen!

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/09/2021 16:38

[quote thingymaboob]@Marni83 she might possibly have some rights due to being a common law wife and having a child who has ASD. It's not a simple case and I think she should see a solicitor to get advice.

If he actually had the balls to split properly and she was made "homeless" (in a situation where she has no rights to house) because the relationship had broken up, the local council would have an obligation to house her and her dependents but as he's playing this weird game, she's absolutely trapped in this shit show. If he said "the relationship is over, you need to move out, she'd be homeless and would be housed by local authority and given support.[/quote]
There is no such thing as a "common law wife" and it doesn't apply in law. Unmarried, the OP cannot claim anything except child maintenance. The law really needs to be updated to reflect such relationships but as things stand, there is nothing.

thingymaboob · 05/09/2021 16:49

@TheFormidableMrsC thanks for clarifying. What a crappy situation to be in!

Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/09/2021 16:58

We had an event cancelled this week and he said we can just chill and relax together.
He is also offering to bathe and redress my broken toe as I had the stitches out today.

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 05/09/2021 20:25

He actually makes me feel physically sick

Anyway if you desperately want him back. The garden room is the best option. It might actually make him miss you.
Currently he doesn’t have to miss you

DelphiniumBlue · 05/09/2021 23:58

I've read all through this thread, and I reckon there's a reason he doesn't want sex..does he suffer from erectile disfunction or something similar? Or maybe a communicable disease that he doesn't want to talk about?
Why is he cuddling up to you and holding hands etc- that is just deceitful if he doesn't mean it. And this whole thing about deepening your friendship... Wtaf is that about?
If you really want to be friends then fine, if you want to keep him sweet so you don't have to move out, also fine. Just be aware that friends don't normally have "incredible cuddles" for an hour or more, they don't sleep naked together, or hold hands in their sleep.
Put some clothes on and open your eyes to what is actually going on.
Is he one of these tiresome arty types that thinks they are spiritual, by any chance?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 08:57

@DelphiniumBlue he doesn’t have an erectile disfunction, he was taking a small amount of testosterone as only one testicle working, but he stopped taking that quite a while ago - hasn’t taken for maybe 9/12 months. This would have an effect on libido. I must have been suffering depression and menopausal symptoms which with the supplements are pretty much gone. I was starting to feel like the old me but with lockdown, him working longer days and I was feeling so exhausted we didn’t have sex very often. He said he loves me so much but not romantically as I guess we weren’t connecting or spending real quality time with each other, just a constant routine with kids work school.
Yes he is “arty” and is spiritual (not to an extreme). When we talked the other night he said there is magic in me and that’s why we got together in the first place.
He said he wanted us to be closer and I am
His best friend in the whole world. So I don’t know why he is wanting to become closer, spend quality time together. The bed thing, I didn’t want him to stop sleeping in the same bed but he didn’t say no, cuddling before sleep and as we fall asleep and taking me hand hand holding it close to his chest while we are facing each other. It’s so confusing as the time we have spent together has been great and the cuddles and hand holding, but he doesn’t want me romantically, unless he wanted to try and get back what we had without giving me hope? I am quite stubborn and don’t take no for an answer if I don’t want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 08:58

@DelphiniumBlue we have been going to the gym again this past week and he said he may start taking that again as it helps with strength (it is medicated), but I know what other effect this will have.

OP posts:
beingsunny · 06/09/2021 09:58

I think this is a really difficult situation, I'm not sure either what he wants from your posts, so it must be terribly confusing for you too.

I know other PP have been quite harsh and said you must leave immediately etc but you clearly aren't ready.

That's ok.

Take some time, focus on yourself, try to find a sport or activity that doesn't include him to broaden your social circle, frond someone to go walking or running with on a local Facebook group.

You will find yourself stronger in time, don't feel too much pressure to rush.

Maybe it will work out, but based on what he is saying assume it won't.

You may find you will move on emotionally anyway and then it will be easier to detach.

Some of this comes from my own experiences so feel free to pM me if you want.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 10:40

@beingsunny thank you. It is not what I want, a shock and I'm not ready.

It is confusing - this morning I said I was going a bit stir crazy not being able to get out - so he said that I could go to work with him tomorrow (tourist attraction - I did used to work there in summer hols before covid), and today he will finish work, pick me up and we can go to the gym, then he offered to take my daughter and her boyfriend to the cinema (so I don't have to drive), then pick me up again and go to the beach so I can sit on the rocks and while he walks the dog. He said then when we get back he will clean my toe (stitches out yesterday) and redress it. I said thank you for looking after me and he said its no problem I love you. Is it all because I'm injured?
When he left I went to the front door to say goodbye and he said love you. Is this making him feel better because he knows how much he hurt me last week?

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 10:42

@beingsunny I know people have been harsh but it helps to a degree. I can't help thinking there is a chance as he is being so lovely and the sleeping and cuddling in bed too

OP posts:
thingymaboob · 06/09/2021 10:45

@ccat1901 you need to tell him that the sleeping and cuddling in bed is giving you hope that you can have a sexual and romantic relationship in future as that might make him think about how his actions are affecting you emotionally. If he doesn't want to give you hope, he will surely stop that element.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 11:03

Oh, and he was no on the phone before he left trying to get a quote for a part for the van and he said, in front of me, I’ll have to check with the missus!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 11:07

@thingymaboob I think he knows that as I told him I wanted to try and get that back. We sleep so peacefully like that but again maybe he needs that too right now. I don’t know and I’m not strong enough to have another conversation about it yet. When we spoke last week he and he said he didn’t want counselling he said let’s just let the dust settle and see how things are/what happens (I can’t remember exactly the terminology he used but said let the dust settle definitely)

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/09/2021 12:31

[quote thingymaboob]@ccat1901 you need to tell him that the sleeping and cuddling in bed is giving you hope that you can have a sexual and romantic relationship in future as that might make him think about how his actions are affecting you emotionally. If he doesn't want to give you hope, he will surely stop that element.[/quote]
Absolutely this.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 14:33

I'm having such irrational thoughts - I want to check his phone!! That's not right! Never have done but in a way if I could see something it would be proof, but if there isn't what does it all mean?

OP posts:
gwenneh · 06/09/2021 14:50

@ccat1901

I'm having such irrational thoughts - I want to check his phone!! That's not right! Never have done but in a way if I could see something it would be proof, but if there isn't what does it all mean?
It means he is successfully bullshitting you to make his exit easier. The nicer he is now, the more you look like the bad guy later.

He has told you who he is and what he wants. If you choose not to believe him, that's on you -- and that will be something he'll remind you about later, when the next gullible woman comes along.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 06/09/2021 15:14

His actions give me hope. I said stay in the bed, he didn’t disagree. I said don’t say anything yet, he agreed, said just focus on having fun and spending quality time together, which is what he said.
Why else is he really putting himself out so much, taking me to gym and to his work tomorrow, juggling things for me....I said u was feel shut in and he gave a solution

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