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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 05/09/2021 09:06

A man who never wants to fuck you again sleeps naked with you and wakes up with an erection after cuddling you all night.
Get some self respect

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/09/2021 09:12

In the cold clear light of day, ask him the question you need a proper answer to, and it’s a yes/no answer.
Do you intend to ever have a romantic relationship with me again?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/09/2021 10:05

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I said I didn't want to say anything to the kids and he didn't want to tell his mum. He hasn't said anything to people he works with (I used to work with him there in school holidays until the pandemic).
It is his house but says we never have to leave (when he split up with his ex wife he let her stay in the house with his daughter, he moved out (horrific break up) and was even ok with her moving in her new partner) but he calls it our house and has always done.

OP posts:

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Runforthehillocks · 05/09/2021 10:08

He doesn't want a romantic relationship with you, for whatever reason, but seems to be a people-pleaser and is therefore sending you confusing signals with all this "but we can still be friends" and "nothing else will change". He's trying to be kind I think, so for your own sanity, you need to have him move into the shed. Tell the children it's because of his snoring if you must.

Then get yourself to a solicitor and find out if you are entitled to anything in the break-up. Do that quickly, then approach him and get written agreement on a financial settlement if you need to, while he is feeling kind towards you. Once he meets someone else he may not be so kindly disposed.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 10:08

Ask him straight out "are you saying you want to be best friends but nothing romantic in future?" and he will say yes. Then you need to listen to him and start taking control of your life and acting accordingly, not assuming he will change his mind.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/09/2021 10:20

@youvegottenminuteslynn I guess I don't actually want to hear those words and you're all right, I'm clinging to how things are now which is better in the past week than for a long time. It is like at the beginning of our relationship which is always great so to switch back to that in an instant is confusing. It is giving me hope which isn't there but I need to brace myself. I completely broken on Monday, but I can't lie it has been good spending so much time together, almost feels like reconnecting especially chatting last night. Maybe this is part of the process I just don't know. If we hadn't changed this week and not spent so much time together that would have been easier.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 10:22

I'm clinging to how things are now which is better in the past week than for a long time.

It isn't though OP, not really. You're a nervous wreck and completely consumed by being desperate to change his mind. That isn't 'better' it's worse.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/09/2021 10:25

@Excelthetube "A man who never wants to fuck you again sleeps naked with you and wakes up with an erection after cuddling you all night."

What does that mean though to him? It wasn't the first time he got up it was after we woke up, then cuddled and dozed and then woke up with the alarm.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/09/2021 10:32

Now it's all drama with his daughter again and her mum. After her mum had her in tears a couple of nights ago saying she didn't want her to live with us, that no one here loved her and that she wanted to kill herself if she isn't with her (her mum would harm her self she said), he picked her up this morning and she is really down. So much up and down emotions everywhere

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 05/09/2021 10:32

Who knows what it means. What it means for you is the carrot is literally being dangled in your face in a monstrously cruel way.

Go and stay in the garden room from tonight. For your own sanity. He needs to know this is not ok.

Excelthetube · 05/09/2021 10:34

And actually I know what it means. It means he’s a fucking selfish cunt who uses everyone around him. And will continue to use you.
Why aren’t you angry

Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/09/2021 10:57

Even this morning when he picked his daughter up, he collected my book keeping job and brought it home - hadn't asked, he just remembered as he took me to collect the click and collect shopping yesterday and they weren't in.
He is working today, then home to take the dog for a walk then working tonight so a day not together

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/09/2021 11:38

To messaged him to say thanks for getting me you getting my job without asking...he messaged back “my pleasure my love”

OP posts:
MummyofTw0 · 05/09/2021 11:44

Sounds to me he doesnt want to lose you as mother to the stepdaughter and housewife general dogsbody

You need to properly separate

Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/09/2021 11:46

But why would you make an effort to spend more time with me, tell me he loves me, do thoughtful things like that, pay for my hairdresser, initiate cuddles and give them when I ask

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 11:49

Op. Think about it. What wouldn't he act this way? He's now got you trying your hardest to be 'good' and please him, gets to be the good guy and gets to maintain his status as family man and husband to the outside world as you aren't allowed to tell anyone. He also doesn't have to sleep with you as he's told you he doesn't want to and if he meets someone else, he's open to exploring that if they're ok with this set up.

There's no benefit to him not keeping you on side, which is what he's doing. He's doing a grand job of selling this set up to you but you're adding on to it the possibility of getting back together romantically.

He isn't offering you that. He doesn't want that. He doesn't want to have sex with you.

He knows you want more and is happy to sleep naked in a bed with you and cuddle you despite knowing he doesn't want to shag you and knowing how desperately you wish he did. Can't you see how cruel that is?!

Mariell · 05/09/2021 11:49

@ccat1901

But why would you make an effort to spend more time with me, tell me he loves me, do thoughtful things like that, pay for my hairdresser, initiate cuddles and give them when I ask
When my ex had an affair he suddenly lit up like a Christmas tree and became extra attentive and loving towards me.

It’s to throw you off the scent.

fliss444 · 05/09/2021 11:58

@Mariell this is exactly whet happened to me.
A similar thing happened to a friend of mine too but in her case her husband eventually came out as Gay.
Hugs to you OP x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/09/2021 12:07

[quote ccat1901]@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I said I didn't want to say anything to the kids and he didn't want to tell his mum. He hasn't said anything to people he works with (I used to work with him there in school holidays until the pandemic).
It is his house but says we never have to leave (when he split up with his ex wife he let her stay in the house with his daughter, he moved out (horrific break up) and was even ok with her moving in her new partner) but he calls it our house and has always done.[/quote]
The good thing from this is that you have a roof over yours and the children's heads and that he's not pressing you to move and that gives you more time and space to think about the future.

I can see that you don't need or want to make an "announcement" whilst you are still working through this and it has only been a few days, but what I meant was that eventually there will be a change in the situation where you do need to speak up and wouldn't it make it easier for you personally if you didn't have the burden of carrying on pretending everything is OK and keeping up a "united front" when you are absolutely heart broken. I feel that would benefit him more than you. I hope you are feeling OK today and can have a chance to relax. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/09/2021 14:21

It's just even harder when he speaks to me like normal, calls me love, darling, and in text "my love" when I'm guessing he doesn't really mean it, or will it gradually decline along with the affection over time. We even have an event in a couple of weeks that he said he is looking forward to and even agreed to "mark" our anniversary at the end of the month.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 14:34

@ccat1901

It's just even harder when he speaks to me like normal, calls me love, darling, and in text "my love" when I'm guessing he doesn't really mean it, or will it gradually decline along with the affection over time. We even have an event in a couple of weeks that he said he is looking forward to and even agreed to "mark" our anniversary at the end of the month.
For goodness sake he is being horrible!

He's told you he doesn't want to be a couple any more. That he doesn't find you attractive and doesn't want to have sex but would like to be friends.

I'm assuming he doesn't use those terms of endearment with friends, sleep naked with friends, cuddle for hours with friends, mark anniversaries with friends and ask friends to be complicit in a lie (that you're still together) when speaking to anyone but them?

He wants every single benefit and Pat on the back of being a good husband EXCEPT for sex. You desperately want him to want to have sex with you, but he doesn't. He wants to be friends. Except he isn't treating you like a friend, he's treating you how I would expect a jumped up teenage boy of 15 years old to treat their best girl mate after the girl mate has said she's fallen in love with him... using her for ego strokes and status points while telling her over and over again he doesn't like her 'like that' so she's confused by all the mixed messages.

Wake up! He's being HORRIBLE.

God I hate this bloke on your behalf.

thingymaboob · 05/09/2021 14:57

You need to urgently see a solicitor to find out exactly what rights you have in terms of house etc. Very loud alarm bells ringing with him saying he "doesn't want you to leave the house". To me, this is him making sure you know the house is his and it's his decision whether you stay there or not. He is "allowing" it. He's marking his territory. I think it's a really sneaky comment. Seems perfectly nice on the surface but given the context of the situation, it's definitely open to interpretation. He might even be putting the idea in your head that you leaving is a possibility. Whatever is going on, he has absolutely no respect for you. I can't believe after all he has said that you're sleeping naked in bed with him. He won't respect you if you don't respect yourself. Btw, him waking up aroused is meaningless. Men get hard ons in the morning all the time!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 15:02

Oh and he doesn't want you to tell anyone partly because they would all say what we are saying on here - that it's mental to even consider this could work - and he would then have to deal with it like an actual adult and end things properly and finally. Also him saying you can't tell anyone means you have no emotional support through all this. And your blind loyalty to him means you won't seek that out in another potential partner. All the while, he's getting what he wants and will get emotional support from other women if he isn't already, as he thinks now he's said you're just friends he's allowed to pursue that. Despite sleeping naked with you.

Mariell · 05/09/2021 15:22

Every post you make gives us another insight into just how truly nasty he is.

He’s buttering you up big time.

Marni83 · 05/09/2021 15:33

@Mariell

Every post you make gives us another insight into just how truly nasty he is.

He’s buttering you up big time.

For what

HE owns the property
They’re not married
His daughter does not have ASD

He’s most definitely the one in a more powerful and stable position.

So why would he “butter up”