Relationship ended but not what I want :(

[ccat1901]

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

Oh OP
I wish you Luck really I do!

How can we change that and destroy her? Because that is exactly what will happen. No excuses
There are excuses.
If you view her as a daughter and want to support her you can continue to do be there for her.
He is the one who is changing things and is gradually getting you used to his new plans. At the same time he is completely confusing you by making it seem like you will have a better relationship than ever.
You have to separate your thinking on your relationship with him and your relationship with the children.
Also, children don't like it when parents split but it doesn't "destroy" them if the parents make decent arrangements for them, that is overly dramatic. It happens all the time.
If she's going to college, that is a good thing not a terrifying thing. Most kids enjoy sixth form college much more than secondary school. Everything is set up just for them. Most kids are doing subjects they like and have chosen and want to do, there's a much better atmosphere, often in smaller classes. The teachers treat them as more grown up, and she will find her feet and make friends. Most people I know loved sixth form much more than secondary. So I don't think you should think of her joining college for two years as another reason "no excuses" to postpone addressing the breakdown in your relationship with your partner.
She is presumably 16 and will be at college for two years. You can still be a person in her life even if you are sorting out your own. She will still be able to go to college and carry on with her life.
You keep saying I can't think about myself because first I have to think about a, b and c.
But you have to find a way forward that is sustainable for you, How long it will that your DP will keep love bombing you, whilst waiting for you to accept that he has finished the relationship and just wants to be friends. He is in the first stages of moving on with his life and clearly has plans already laid out. You are still hoping that whilst you are entering the best friends stage, he will realise this is great and will suddenly change his mind.
Put the issues which arise from the kids to one side whilst you consider what to do about the immediate problems in your relationship and deal with each one in turn, but don't say I can't even think about it because it will "destroy" the children. It's been a shock and you have to come to term with it, but one way to do that is to actively research some of your options.

Is he really being cruel or comforting me or making himself feel better? Trying yoga was an idea to do together and last night we talked of travel and he is making plans for a trip. I think I can see what’s happening but I am struggling to jump off.

Have a think to yourself, would you treat someone as he is treating you?

No, I’m sure you wouldn’t.

Nice people don’t manipulate others or make selfish demands upon them.

Ok, sorry to document things here, but it helps.

Just got message as he is at work (I wanted to go to the next show he has as I'm going a bit stir crazy with having a broken toe).
"We have hung out more than ever this last week, it's been great. You're awesome x"

@ccat1901

Is he really being cruel or comforting me or making himself feel better? Trying yoga was an idea to do together and last night we talked of travel and he is making plans for a trip. I think I can see what’s happening but I am struggling to jump off.

"Hung out". Exactly the sort of thing you'd do with a mate. He's just reiterating the narrative he has set 🤷🏻‍♀️.

It's also very weird terminology for somebody you've lived with for 9 years.

I wish you could see it.

He uses that term with his daughter and us in earlier years. He doesn't really use that term with his mates....it's sort of the way he speaks. But he did use that when we were first together

Oh OP he is being cruel.

He is saying things that are giving you hope you can win him back, so that you continue to make lots of effort in an attempt to make him see you the way you want him to.

He doesn't see you that way. He has told you that.

Hugging you for an hour when he knows you desperately want a physical relationship with you again isn't kind or caring it's fucking horrible. Awful. Can you see that at all even if it hurts to accept?

It's like sitting with an alcoholic, giving them one drink and telling them they can't have any more while you drink in front of them and make them watch.

He's doing exactly what he wants when he wants. You're doing exactly what you think will make him happy in the hope he will then want you back romantically.

But is that false hope, or a glimmer that he can change how he feels? We are like we were years ago, more affectionate, more communication, laughing,,,,or is this all a trick?
I;ll keep writing on here as it is cathartic to write down whats happening in a sort of diary

@ccat1901

But is that false hope, or a glimmer that he can change how he feels? We are like we were years ago, more affectionate, more communication, laughing,,,,or is this all a trick? I;ll keep writing on here as it is cathartic to write down whats happening in a sort of diary

I don't know how else to explain it - whether he is doing it purposefully to play with your emotions, or is being thoughtless in things like cuddling with you for an hour knowing you want more - he's still being cruel. Because he's not setting clear boundaries despite knowing you don't want the set up he's proposed. You're basically letting everything go his way. As I mentioned earlier, he didn't say he didn't want to date anyone in future, he just said that he wouldn't date someone who wasn't happy with the set up (you living together as 'best friends') but when he realises nobody sensible will be ok with that, he'll be off in a shot and you'll have wasted even more years on him and feel even more shit and have even less confidence.

If you want to break up with someone romantically, it is cruel to be cuddling up with them for an hour at a time. Because he doesn't want to have a physical relationship with you. He's told you that. You are hearing what you want to hear / reading subtexts that aren't there instead of being present in reality.

We are like we were years ago, more affectionate, more communication, laughing,,,,or is this all a trick?

To an extent you're in on this trick too OP. You say you're more affectionate, communicating, laughing etc but you're also devastated, saying you don't know if you can live through this, desperately seeking help and support on here, anxious about what he's doing eg seeing that woman, terrified he'll leave, scared about the kids etc.

You aren't happy. You're pretending to be happy to him because you think if you're happy and lovely enough he will want what you want. But he doesn't.

It’s all confusing. We went to bed last night and he initiated a cuddle and we fell asleep and if either wakes in the night I may reach out for a hand and he will hold my hand, or has taken mine. It just seems intimate to have my head on his chest/shoulder with his arm around and his other hand holding hand. I know I said to him I needed comfort when this happened on Monday and initiated the cuddles, it has been him or me since then. I think you’re right I’m clinging to the hope that he will change how he feels- do people change how they feel?
I feel like I’m going through stages of grief and sadness and denial

OP, if he really wanted you two to be friends and had your mental health in mind he would be making the boundaries between friend / romantic partner clear. He wouldn't be cuddling you, kissing your forehead etc. He is making this harder for you, not easier. Because the outcome is going to be the same - you aren't going to end up being a happy healthy couple. So he's delaying the inevitable by keeping you living in this weird limbo / giving you false hope. He's either doing it because he is a bit thick and can't empathise with how confusing this must be for you, because he's weak and it's the path of least resistance meaning he isnt mature enough to say no we can't do xyz now as I've said we are just friends OR he's doing it because it's easy for him as he'll leave when he wants to regardless, still has you hanging off his every word and can just stay around until he meets someone.

There is no scenario here in which he's being kind. At best he's being thoughtlessly cruel. At worst he's being knowingly cruel. He's being cruel either way.

Ask him straight out "are you saying you want to be best friends but nothing romantic in future?" and he will say yes. Then you need to listen to him and start taking control of your life and acting accordingly, not assuming he will change his mind.

The concept of being best friends with someone and living under the same roof as them while one partner still wants more from the other is utterly ludicrous.

@ccat1901 - please, for the love of all that is holy, can you do 2 things-

• Stop sleeping in the same bed with him. You will never build up the resilience that you'll need in the months to come if you continue to let him cuddle you and give you hope. It's called Hopium and it is utterly exhausting.

• Start putting your practical ducks in a row, particularly in terms of protecting your finances. So at least you won't have to worry about this when it all blows up. Because it will. Maybe not this month or the next, maybe not till next year, but it will.

Eventually the fog that cyrrently clouds your brain will lift and you'll be grateful that you will have taken steps to protect yourself - and your children's future.

There is no scenario here in which he's being kind. At best he's being thoughtlessly cruel. At worst he's being knowingly cruel. He's being cruel either way.

Exactly this. Please, please OP get some space from him and speak to his mum or someone that knows you both well in real life. You can't possibly come to terms with this and remove your blinkers when he's still cuddling you in bed. It's awful, like you're a puppy and he's rewarding you when you play along even though he knows you're devastated.

Well further confusion. My own making probably. Drinking Prosecco (off antibiotics), he opens, pours , cheers, jokes about how he knows what I drink after 9 years. Takes my foot out of my walking boot (for broken toe), cleans my foot then moisturerises .... more alcohol needed

Nope, not more alcohol needed to blur the lines further. Less alcohol, more clear headindess.

Ask him straight out "are you saying you want to be best friends but nothing romantic in future?" and he will say yes. Then you need to listen to him and start taking control of your life and acting accordingly, not assuming he will change his mind.

It’s hard. We are relay talking now and he said he never wants me not to be in his life and never leave the house. He is getting drunker than me, I’ll see what else he says

@FireworkParrot yes you’re right.

🤦‍♀️

@ccat1901

It’s hard. We are relay talking now and he said he never wants me not to be in his life and never leave the house. He is getting drunker than me, I’ll see what else he says

He's the one who needs to leave the house. He's a coward and I think he's being all pally pally so you don't kick him out. If you split up, you'd be the one with rights to the house and he probably knows that. This is like a master manipulation

Well I’ll continue to document.....I can see I’m making this situation by not acting. We woke up and cuddled his morning and he was aroused when he got up as he was naked - it wasn’t the first time he had gotten up as took the dog out earlier. He is always naked in bed and I am too and that isn’t right.
I’m going to try and control my feelings and use my head.

Just move into the garden room. I can’t believe you’re sleeping naked next to each other
Where is your pride.

But the evening was great, late night movie and backgammon- like it was years ago :(

he said he never wants me not to be in his life and never leave the house

What does this mean? He never wants to leave the house? Or he never wants you to leave the house? I can see why this might sound kind on a surface level.
But Either way he’s making it very clear that it’s his house. And it’s raising the issue that it’s up to him who stays there.

This comment really does sound like he wants you to be OK with looking after his children and housekeeping whilst he prepares for a romantic relationship with someone else.
Always being in his life is not the same as staying partners in the way you were previously.
Why has he asked you not to tell anyone? Because he wants to appear to be the good guy and keep this under wraps for as long as possible because he KNOWS most of your acquaintances will find this very strange behaviour.
Making comments like this telling you how things are going to be whilst massaging your feet. Such an intimate gesture. At the same time that he’s rejected you touching him or having a romantic relationship with him.
Such mixed messaging. This is why pp are saying he’s cruel.
It’s like soothing a frightened creature. It seems like he’s getting you to accept his new reality piece by piece.
I guess it’s been such a shock and you need time to process this but he’s making it very hard for you to do that