Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 07:10

No, she knows nothing. That’s what I mean, she knows nothing but we are the only constant in her life. How can we change that and destroy her? Because that is exactly what will happen. No excuses.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 03/09/2021 08:12

Will it "destroy" her though? Or are you being over-dramatic?. Might it actually show her that life moves on, circumstances change (as of course they will for her unless you were expecting her to live there for ever) but we can find our own strength, steer our own ships, and get through tough experiences but hold onto ourselves nonetheless?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 09:35

I don’t know. She is pretty low emotionally and she was self harming at one point. Yes it’s good to see things change but we are the only constant she has ever had.
I can’t see it’s good to bring it all up at the moment.
I know everyone will say it’s further cruelty my my ex and I spoke about it and agreed that this week we have spoken more and spent more time together and feel closer, but that maybe his way of keeping me here, he genuinely said he wants me to be happy and hates seeing me upset but I feel like I have a moved on a little despite it being a really close time emotionally and physically (cuddled for an hour in bed , not sex obviously). I’m choosing that so I guess I’m choosing the torture and yes I’m holding on to the hope there is a chance our spark will come back. We are going to talk again in the next week as I told him we are t on the same page. I felt like I controlled that and I wanted the physical contact so that maybe seen as wrong but I felt it was my choice

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 10:19

@candycane222 she has seen police about things that happened with her boyfriend when she was 14/15, her mums ex tried to commit suicide in front of her a few years ago, she was bullied at school and still seeing school counsellor, her mum doesn’t want her living with us all the time and said to her she would kill herself as she misses her and that we don’t love her. Add to that she starts a new college and course next week with no one she knows and another massive change isn’t what she needs now.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 03/09/2021 10:31

OK that does sound tough, but it's you OH's responsibility primarily, isn't it?

Good that you are starting to move on - detach even? though. Maybe you should friendzone him properly, stop cuddling etc. And get out on your own, have your own fun (so far as the broken toe allows). You don't need him to have a good life, you haven't got him, so get started on your good life (easy for me to say obviously, but fake it till you make it)

Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 10:38

@candycane222 she has said before that I’m more of a mum than her mum. She is 16 now and has grown up with my kids over the last 9 years so I see her as my daughter- I couldn’t abandon her like her mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 10:39

@candycane222 and that’s not desperation that’s a mothers instinct towards a child she loves

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 10:48

@candycane222 that’s just it, we were chatting last night (before his daughter came home) and he performs at Glastonbury some years and said we would go next year together, having a relaxing evening tomorrow as we are at his mums tonight. He talks about the further work we will do to “our house”. And other things we have in the diary for September.
People on here may mock me or think I’m stupid but writing it all down and seeing the replies (not all!!) is really helping me.....I have a hairdresser appointment today which will be nice - he has just given me the money for which I did take!!
It will be a slow process for me as change is something I don’t deal with well and as I still have romantic feelings for him it’s hard. Especially as I must have been suffering depression and menopausal symptoms for the past year and now have supplements that have made me feel like me again (well
until Monday :() he even said I hadn’t been my usual cheerful self but the lock down was hard on him too (self employed and all work cancelled til past few months) so he was probably suffering too. I did feel a little bit more in control this morning but I will
Admit that if he had wanted to make love it would have been perfect but I know that would not have been good, plus he doesn’t want to😬, but I can see that now even though I still want that (and I told him too)

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 03/09/2021 10:57

Admit that if he had wanted to make love it would have been perfect but I know that would not have been good, plus he doesn’t want to😬, but I can see that now even though I still want that (and I told him too)

You just don't get it, do you.

Mariell · 03/09/2021 11:03

You are using the daughter as an excuse for you to clutch at straws.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 11:15

You told him today again that you would like to have sex with him?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 11:16

I do see logically but my heart can’t accept it.
We have been though an awful lot together and I just can’t turn off my feelings. I think that part of me wants to try and see if things change to know that I did what I could to save us. But it appears to be a sinking ship I’m clinging to but I can’t let go

OP posts:
candycane222 · 03/09/2021 11:19

You can swim, OP. You can swim.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 11:21

@candycane222 I’m sobbing, I can’t I can’t I don’t want to be alone, I can’t do this.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 11:29

I sometimes try to remind myself that there have been times in my life I've felt like I was in so much emotional pain it would be easier to just not wake up the next day. But I did and gradually over time I became ok again. That doesn't diminish the pain of the things I went through, but it reminds me that even when I've thought I couldn't survive something, I did. You need to try and think along those lines now - you've probably had times you didn't think you'd get through before. But you did. And you can do it again.

AlbertBridge · 03/09/2021 11:30

@ccat1901

Off topic, but what vitamins did you take that revved up your sex drive? I need them!

Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 11:51

@AlbertBridge vitabiotics Menopace. They stopped hot flushes, aching joints, brain fog and increased libido - although part of that maybe due to being told your relationship is over and wanting to save it

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 11:57

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes, after such a turmoil with his daughter til 2am when we woke this morning we spoke calmly about a few things, not a heavy discussion and we have had great time together this week and spoken much more that we have for a long time. We really had the most amazing cuddle for an hour and he said it was great too and I said that we need to give it time until we are on the same page, but I did say (probably shouldn't) that if we had made love it would have been perfect but I do really know it would just be wrong if he wasn't into it.

OP posts:
Mariell · 03/09/2021 11:59

“I don’t want to be alone!”

I think now that you are breaking down and crying you are beginning to see the real reason why you want to desperately keep hold of him.

Fear of being alone is a normal response in a relationship break up but you will overcome it and see that it’s better to be on your own and look forward to new life adventures and possibilities of new friendships than it is to be kept in a state of constant anxiety, waiting to be dumped at any second by the callous man who has manipulated you into believing you can’t be without him.

Mariell · 03/09/2021 12:01

The cuddling you die an hour is really rather sickening in light of him previously telling you that he didn’t want to be touched by you!

Up, down, up, down - the way he is pulling your strings is despicable and you are going to end up having a nervous breakdown.

Mariell · 03/09/2021 12:01

For not die

Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 12:04

@youvegottenminuteslynn My last relationship (over 13 years ago) finished after 16 years and I can honestly say that this is the worst, worse than that one (the father of my children), the worst pain I think I have ever felt. I think back to MOnday when he gave me a letter and how I reacted, I've never reacted like that or felt such a huge knot in my stomach. I can't really eat and not sleeping well. The worst thing is not showing the kids how upset I am - I can't do that to them, my son wouldn't comprehend but the change would probably cause meltdowns again (which haven't happened for years). I know they say time is a healer but it sure doesn't feel like that right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 12:06

On another point the girl he had "a small connection he thinks" with - the place that he works (and she works at) is about 2 hours from us and when he does one of his shows. I usually go as I help in the shows and have done for about 8 years - I've said i'm going with him on Tuesday. If there is nothing going on I will see or if there is I'll also see and that may be what I need,

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 03/09/2021 13:32

Yes, he paid for my hair cut today so I called and said thanks, and he said was sorry he doesn’t buy flowers but gets Baileys and wine from time to time and will try and get other things.....
What is going on? I know everyone says it’s manipulation but when you know someone so well it’s hard to think that’s the reason.
I’m going to tell him to speak to a friend about this to get a different perspective.
And going with him next week is my idea and I feel strong for saying that’s what Is happening. It maybe hard but i think I need to do that

OP posts:
Mariell · 03/09/2021 13:56

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a poster with their stuck in the sand as much as you.

I feel sorry for you and hope that one day you find the strength to dump this uncaring, disrespectful, downright nasty specimen of a man.