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Original poster

DS waiting to meet with “friends”

173 replies

condensationwindows · 22/08/2021 08:42

DS is in the cadets. He joined at Easter and loves it. The main units are in the City which is about a 25 minute drive from where we live. The unit DS attends is smaller, in our local town which is 10 minutes away.

There was a week long camp in the summer holidays which he went to and made new friends from the bigger unit and some of the other smaller units combined. He loved it and they are now in touch over x box, WhatsApp etc.

DS came to me late last night and asked me to take him to the City to meet with his friends. I’ve never met these cadets before.

I said no as I don’t have anything to do in the city and I am not prepared to drive 25 minutes home to go back for him later in the day. I have things to do today although nothing that couldn’t wait.

He is upset he can’t go.

He was 13 in May.

Can I ask at what age you would do this for your kids? Am I being over protective? We live in a rural village so he does rely on us taking him places, in and out of school etc so I am aware he doesn’t get as much freedom as children who are from the city or even our local town get.

OP posts:
SerendipityJane · 22/08/2021 10:26

OP is pulling the same stunt with us as they intend (and have probably made SOP) with their DS going forwards. Creating a whack a mole of excuses to justify their "reasoning". It rarely ends well.

Lillith111 · 22/08/2021 10:26

You said “I am not willing to drive” so in the original post that is what comes across?

Auntienumber8 · 22/08/2021 10:28

DH met his GF at cadets and they have been dating for three years. He was 17 though so a fair bit older. He has remained very good friends with other cadets, they sort of replaced his school friendship group. They had similar interests though. All of them were really great kids and now adults.

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Enko · 22/08/2021 10:29

Pleased you decided to take him.

We lived rually wheb the kids were that age and it can be a pain to do the driving but it was also nice to have the 1 on 1 time with them in the car.

wingingit987 · 22/08/2021 10:31

I live in a city takes me more than 25 mins to get to town 🙈

Lilyargin · 22/08/2021 10:38

It’s great you’re taking him, OP, it’s the right decision. I mean this kindly, but you do sound over-protective; you put the word friends in inverted commas just because you haven’t met them - (when I saw the title of the thread I thought it was about wanting to meet people who’d been unkind to him) - and at 13 he needs to be taught how to use a bus?
Confused

Roselilly36 · 22/08/2021 10:42

One of the reasons we moved to a city. We lived semi rurally, lovely for young kids, a complete PITA for teens. Two buses to college etc, before DS passed his driving test at 17. Have a think as you will be a taxi mum for quite some years. I can remember when my brothers gf lived on a farm, step dad, was forever dropping him there ,picking him up as no bus service.

Thadhiya · 22/08/2021 10:43

"I said no as I don’t have anything to do in the city and I am not prepared to drive 25 minutes home to go back for him later in the day. I have things to do today although nothing that couldn’t wait."

What do you think having kids involves? That they'll sit peacefully in their rooms out of your way until they're 18?

You send him to cadets, probably told him you hoped he'd make friends, then as soon as he does so, you dismiss them.

Hope in a few years he learns to drive and never looks back.

Hoppinggreen · 22/08/2021 10:46

I would do it if I could

Original poster
condensationwindows · 22/08/2021 10:47

@Lilyargin

It’s great you’re taking him, OP, it’s the right decision. I mean this kindly, but you do sound over-protective; you put the word friends in inverted commas just because you haven’t met them - (when I saw the title of the thread I thought it was about wanting to meet people who’d been unkind to him) - and at 13 he needs to be taught how to use a bus? Confused
Thank you.

We have one bus service close to where we live. 2 hourly service during the week. None at the weekend. We don't have a need to use the bus. We just drive or we use a taxi. Our local taxi service also runs alongside the council so you can pay a bus fare to use a taxi.

OP posts:
LouLou198 · 22/08/2021 10:48

I would let him, and drive him too. It's nice he's made some new friends. The last 18 months has been shit for young people, let him enjoy himself, he will be fine.

MrsEricBana · 22/08/2021 11:02

In my experience the reason they don't first admit it's actually a boy or girl they're meeting is because they think they'll be teased, not because they're necessarily planning to leap on them. Def tell him it's important to tell you where they're really going.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/08/2021 11:05

I’d take him.
An endless Mum and Dad taxi service is one of the drawbacks of living in nice peaceful places out in the sticks.

Yes, 13 is still young, but at some point you have to start trusting them to be sensible.

At that age my dd2 and a school friend did a day trip from London to Calais on their own. I will admit I was having kittens until they were safely back, though, ditto the other mum, and I don’t suppose I’d allow it now - Calais is a lot dodgier now than it was 20 odd years ago.

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/08/2021 11:06

I would have done it.

yikesanotherbooboo · 22/08/2021 11:14

At 13 my experience is that one doesn't know many of their friends. He has met them through his hobby so they are likely to be like minded. How would you bet them? If he has a mobile and a set time frame I would let him and I think almost everyone would. This is all assuming that he is a normally sensible boy for his age. What do you think might happen? What would be different if you 'knew' the other children?

Disrespected · 22/08/2021 11:16

I'd do it. And have done.
Can he bus.

Branleuse · 22/08/2021 11:18

id do it too. Its only 25 mins. This will be a big deal for him

NotNowBernarrd · 22/08/2021 11:34

I think it's unfair to live somewhere where your teenager can't get anywhere under their own steam but not give them a lift when they ask for one.

I also think it's unfair to allow him to join the cadets if he is not going to be allowed to peruse friendships with these children. You should have just told him he is going to have to stay in the house until he is 17 and can drive if you didn't want him to go anywhere.

SavoyCabbage · 22/08/2021 11:39

We don't have a need to use the bus.
You do now if you aren't willing to drive him. This is only the beginning of him branching out and doing things with friends.

We sent our DD's to the secondary a suburb away and part of the decision making was thinking about having to drive them to see friends and pick them up from extra curricular activities half an hour away. They did get the bus to school and home again but if they were in a netball match or something, then they needed a lift.

Oblomov21 · 22/08/2021 11:46

Oh come on Op. you chose to live rurally. And if you do, what goes with that is ferrying your kids around.

Oblomov21 · 22/08/2021 11:46

How exciting.

TillyTopper · 22/08/2021 11:48

I'd take him and support him. Take a book, find a coffee shop. He should be out exploring a bit and meeting cadet friends sounds like a good think - even if you don't know them. I have 2 late teen DS, I think this sort of meet up at 13 is common. He's not sneaking off he's asking you to take him - I'd see that as a win.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 22/08/2021 11:51

Well done for changing your mind. I grew up out the way and I understand his pain.

I think you need to get over the ‘not knowing his friends’ he’s at an age now where you won’t know them, he will start having different groups for different things. He might meet them a few times and never see them again, it’s all part of him being a teenager. If you withhold lifts because you don’t know who he’s meeting then he’s going to have a very lonely few years/you’ll barely see him because he’ll get into town and probably stay at friends so that he’s not stuck out at home with no chance of seeing them. I know because I did it.

CatLover1978 · 22/08/2021 11:52

You're being very over-protective and honestly, its a 25 minute drive, you can do that for your son to meet his mates? You just seem a bit unreasonable. Hmm

Homeofthe · 22/08/2021 12:01

I was in the cadets when I was younger. Did wonders for my self confidence. If your wanting to met every cadet that he knows before you let him go anywhere with them , then I would clear your schedule as he will meet hundreds over his time in cadets.

Now I don't know how to word this correctly however when I was in cadets you found that most didn't do typical teenage stuff of the time, drinking on street corners, underage sex, etc because they would get suspended/ kicked out of the unit and therefore miss out on all the activities and it wasn't worth it.