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Original poster

DS waiting to meet with “friends”

173 replies

condensationwindows · 22/08/2021 08:42

DS is in the cadets. He joined at Easter and loves it. The main units are in the City which is about a 25 minute drive from where we live. The unit DS attends is smaller, in our local town which is 10 minutes away.

There was a week long camp in the summer holidays which he went to and made new friends from the bigger unit and some of the other smaller units combined. He loved it and they are now in touch over x box, WhatsApp etc.

DS came to me late last night and asked me to take him to the City to meet with his friends. I’ve never met these cadets before.

I said no as I don’t have anything to do in the city and I am not prepared to drive 25 minutes home to go back for him later in the day. I have things to do today although nothing that couldn’t wait.

He is upset he can’t go.

He was 13 in May.

Can I ask at what age you would do this for your kids? Am I being over protective? We live in a rural village so he does rely on us taking him places, in and out of school etc so I am aware he doesn’t get as much freedom as children who are from the city or even our local town get.

OP posts:
thefavourite · 22/08/2021 08:53

I'm doing similar today for my 12yo. He met some friends while doing a summer holiday drama activity and has plans to meet them today at the out of town shopping centre to do some shopping and lunch. He's a bit young and inexperienced to get the bus by himself (about an hour bus journey) so I'll take him. He'll be there about 3hrs I think. It means I've got to hang about and buggers up my Sunday a bit but I'm going to take a couple of things back to the shops and have a fancy coffee and hope he enjoys himself with likeminded friends.

Bibbetybobbity · 22/08/2021 08:53

It’s not ds’s fault that you live rurally- so yes, I would have driven him.

JimandPam · 22/08/2021 08:54

13 is usually the beginning of starting to go out and meeting friends socially. So if he doesn't have other transport then you really need to decide what you're going to do until he can drive?

He is going to start feeling very socially isolated soon if you won't drive him places. At only 25 mins, I would have done it.

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namechange7865 · 22/08/2021 08:54

That's pretty mean, 25 mins isn't far and 13 is old enough to have a bit of independence. By all means put restrictions in and limitations on how often it'll be feasible but I don't understand why you've said a blanket no. DH's mum never used to drive him anywhere (4 kids) and to this day he talks about it sadly, how all the other kids got driven places, he would walk miles, ask other parents or save dinner money for taxes (lived very rurally). Being a taxi (or at least helping with other means of transport) is part of the deal. Would you rather he stayed in his bedroom all day?

AlmostSummer21 · 22/08/2021 08:55

You chose to live where you do, not him. Do, yes, you need to facilitate him going places

Whether he's old/mature enough is a different matter

As is what they're going to be doing/who he's meeting .

But the driving, you're being unreasonable saying' no' just because you don't need to go

MyFartWillGoOn · 22/08/2021 08:55

@condensationwindows

Thanks everyone. It’s not the drive at all. It’s not knowing the kids.

Sorry if it came over that I wasn’t willing to drive. Of course I am.

I know my concerns come from where we live.

No buses where we live on a Sunday.

I mean, it came across like that as it's literally what your opening post said 🤷🏻‍♀️

I said no as I don’t have anything to do in the city and I am not prepared to drive 25 minutes home to go back for him later in the day. I have things to do today although nothing that couldn’t wait.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 22/08/2021 08:56

I mean, I live in London partly so I won't have to do this kind of teen taxiing, but 25mins is nothing. I would have taken him, yes. My DPs didn't have control over who I met when I was 13 - I jumped on the bus or used my feet and went. It's not on to control his social connections by proxy by controlling his transport. He's been getting on fine with these kids. And he's hardly going to get to know them better if you refuse to facilitate him going out.

namechange7865 · 22/08/2021 08:56

Sorry just seen it's about the kids not the drive, well next step is to find out about the kids? I'd take him today, you're only going to gauge their personalities from hearing him talk about them when spending time with them.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/08/2021 08:56

Presumably you could drive him there and say hi to his friends (eyeballing them to make sure they are his age and seem ok). It's really not far.

When you put "friends" in inverted commas, what do you mean by that?

SmidgenofaPigeon · 22/08/2021 08:56

OP you definitely state you don’t want to drive 25 minutes and come back or hang around.

If that’s not the issue and it’s that you don’t know the boys, well, you won’t always know everyone your son makes friends with and good on him for making friends outside of school. Give him a chance, let him be a bit independent and go and meet his mates.

nimbuscloud · 22/08/2021 08:57

You said thisc
I said no as I don’t have anything to do in the city and I am not prepared to drive 25 minutes home to go back for him later in the day. I have things to do today although nothing that couldn’t wait.

Shadedog · 22/08/2021 08:57

I live rurally, although we do have a bus service. One of the trade offs is you spend time you’d rather spend doing other things ferrying kids from the arse end of somewhere to the arse end of somewhere else. It’s really mean to say kids can’t see their friends until they are car owning adults. I wouldn’t blink at driving 25 mins. I don’t think you are being overprotective in the slightest. I think you cba and you are pretending to this poor kid that he is too young to go outdoors. He won’t buy it and you shouldn’t be trying to sell it.

MoiraNotRuby · 22/08/2021 08:57

@bobandhisburgers

I grew up in a rural village with parents who refused to take me anywhere to meet up with friends. All my friends lived 15-20 miles away as the local schools shipped people into the village schools. As a result I suffered greatly with loneliness, isolation & depression. I moved out as soon as was old enough.

25 mins drive to give you child a social life is nothing in the real world. I don't think you're being 'overprotective', you're not doing it to protect him, you're doing it because you can't be arsed to drive an hour or so for your kid.

Same here growing up, and now I drive my DC anywhere. They've been in and out of lockdown for a year, and are far too cosy at home. Any time they want to go out with friends I am delighted!!

Only reason I wouldn't do this is if I had work meetings or short on petrol before payday.

namechange7865 · 22/08/2021 08:57

And let's face it, they go to cadets, they're not exactly going to be the troublemakers of school are they? Cadets gives you a pretty good clue as to the type of kids they are.

Original poster
condensationwindows · 22/08/2021 08:57

I also said it’s kids I don’t know and have never met before.

OP posts:
maslinpan · 22/08/2021 08:59

You say your concern is that you don't know the kids. My 13 yo has plenty of friends who I have never met. That is quite normal once they move up to secondary school, is this the first time you have experienced this?

SmidgenofaPigeon · 22/08/2021 08:59

How would you know or meet them though @condensationwindows?

As a PP said they’re cadets, unlikely to be the local tearsways harassing elderly ladies or shoplifting from Superdrug.

DueyCheatemAndHow · 22/08/2021 08:59

Thing is I think that's quite normal when they get to secondary. Why don't you say yes and agree a v sensible pick up time and see how it goes.

There comes a time when yoi just have to trust them I think. I was never given that trust and I cannot explain to you the damage it has done.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 22/08/2021 09:00

@condensationwindows

I also said it’s kids I don’t know and have never met before.
Your child's a teenager. You don't get to police his friends any more. You will probably never meet some of them. It's time to learn to let go.
Ylvamoon · 22/08/2021 09:01

Take him, meet the kids (see them from a distance) and trust your Sons judgment in friends!

Whywhenwhat · 22/08/2021 09:01

At 13 you won't know all his friends so you need to trust his judgement a bit. Agree with PP if they are all cadets it means they spend their time at least a bit productively and not in a gang getting drunk. Take him and let him see his friends.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 22/08/2021 09:02

@condensationwindows isn't making friends with like minded people and expanding horizons one of the lovely benefits of being in an organisation like Cadets?

I would 100% be taking him and be delighted.

He will have friends at Secondary School you don't know-sounds like you are having a little trouble letting him grow up-until now you might have been in control but he is 13 not 8-he needs to be allowed to spread his wings and this seems a perfect way to start!!

Original poster
condensationwindows · 22/08/2021 09:02

Thank you everyone. I’m going to take him.

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 22/08/2021 09:02

X posted with your last post.

You need to decide what your actual problem is as in your OP you said

I said no as I don’t have anything to do in the city and I am not prepared to drive 25 minutes home to go back for him later in the day. I have things to do today although nothing that couldn’t wait

Now you're making up different reasons why you said 'no'

Shadedog · 22/08/2021 09:02

I don’t know my teenagers friends, bar the few from primary. I have met the odd one of dd1s but I don’t know them. The majority I’ve never met.

You’re not going to meet them, are you, given that your ds isn’t going to be facilitated to be friends with them.