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Original poster

DS waiting to meet with “friends”

173 replies

condensationwindows · 22/08/2021 08:42

DS is in the cadets. He joined at Easter and loves it. The main units are in the City which is about a 25 minute drive from where we live. The unit DS attends is smaller, in our local town which is 10 minutes away.

There was a week long camp in the summer holidays which he went to and made new friends from the bigger unit and some of the other smaller units combined. He loved it and they are now in touch over x box, WhatsApp etc.

DS came to me late last night and asked me to take him to the City to meet with his friends. I’ve never met these cadets before.

I said no as I don’t have anything to do in the city and I am not prepared to drive 25 minutes home to go back for him later in the day. I have things to do today although nothing that couldn’t wait.

He is upset he can’t go.

He was 13 in May.

Can I ask at what age you would do this for your kids? Am I being over protective? We live in a rural village so he does rely on us taking him places, in and out of school etc so I am aware he doesn’t get as much freedom as children who are from the city or even our local town get.

OP posts:
BeaBeaBuzz · 22/08/2021 09:21

I’d 100% drive 25 mins to facilitate DCs friendships.

dottydodah · 22/08/2021 09:21

Just seen your update.Glad you are taking him after all.He will appreciate it .! 13 is a difficult age it seems only yesterday you knew all his chums at Primary School ,and now hes off out for the day with some new guys!

DumplingsAndStew · 22/08/2021 09:22

If you make the choice to live rurally, then I think being willing and able to ferry children around to facilitate their friendships is part of parenting

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BeaBeaBuzz · 22/08/2021 09:22

Just seen your update, ignore my post. Well done OP

confusedofengland · 22/08/2021 09:22

With regard to not knowing the kids - could your DS ask for their parents' phone numbers so you can message them? This is one thing we did with my 12-year old DS (and the other parents asked for our numbers, so I know it wasn't just his being overprotective).

Another good idea, suggested by pp, is to go along to the meeting point with him to 'check out' the cadets. They may well also have parents doing the same - again this happened with our DS on a couple of occasions! If he is too embarrassed for you to be right there you could hover out if sight so at least you know they look to be roughly his age etc.

Well done for letting him go, it is a big deal so I get it.

Confusedandshaken · 22/08/2021 09:23

I'm glad you are taking him. That's a stage of life I don't miss - ferrying teenagers all over the place!

UnsolicitedDickPic · 22/08/2021 09:24

I see you've decided to take him, OP. I'm sure he'll have a lovely time.

My ten penny worth is just an anecdotal: MIL moved to an extremely rural location (think two miles to the nearest village, then onwards by bus to the nearest small town) and it caused no end of argument between her and her teenage daughters, because she was totally unwilling to drive them anywhere and they really resented the imposition on their social lives. It's caused quite a breach in her relationship with her girls.

Bagamoyo1 · 22/08/2021 09:25

It’s hard when they start doing things with people you’ve never met, but that’s the way it is once they’ve left primary school.
I just try to get a rough idea of what they’ll be doing (eg playing football in park, going to the cafe etc), and I set a clear pick up time. I have “find my phone” switched on so I can check where they are. And I have a rule that if I text them, they have to reply.
And as others have said, living rurally means accepting that you’re a taxi driver.

Fiddliestofsticks · 22/08/2021 09:25

I really dont understand why youce said no. He is getting older. He will be joining clubs and doing activities and meeting new people this own age.

Let him go. I assume you've taught him all he needs to know about safety and all that and he has a phone?

They're probably meeting to do something. Cinema, kick a ball about, whatever. He'll be fine.

Sooverthemill · 22/08/2021 09:25

I think if you live in a village with little/no public transport then you do have to be a taxi service for your DC until they can drive. We factored that in when we chose to live in a rural village. It's unfair to expect your DC to stay at home all the time. Maybe the issue is the short notice? Then explain that you need xx days notice . Is it that you don't know them? Then meet up with them and decide. Talk to their parents the decide. At 13 the child needs to start learning independence although I understand you need to feel appreciated and safe

MoiraNotRuby · 22/08/2021 09:26

Great updates, hope he has a good time.

Sooverthemill · 22/08/2021 09:27

Ah I've just read your last post. Good! I know it's extremely tough ( I speak having had 3 teenagers in a rural visage with a school miles away so we didn't know the friends very often until they started coming around to our house). I hope he has fun

littlefireseverywhere · 22/08/2021 09:29

Glad it’s worked out, we live rurally & are a taxi service.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/08/2021 09:31

He’s just told me it’s a girl he’s wanting to meet. I’ve told him to get in the shower and get the lynx Africa out.

That's quite a different situation than you presented earlier - you keep changing the goalposts here.

It's fine of course but definitely worth a different conversation about what they'll do, how he'll approach things & your own guidance on these situations.

JEdgarHoover · 22/08/2021 09:31

Ah, you always know when something is up OP and they aren’t quite telling the truth! Although tell him to go easy on the Lynx Africa! Hope he has a lovely day.

HaveringWavering · 22/08/2021 09:31

@condensationwindows

Thanks everyone. It’s not the drive at all. It’s not knowing the kids.

Sorry if it came over that I wasn’t willing to drive. Of course I am.

I know my concerns come from where we live.

No buses where we live on a Sunday.

How could it possibly have come across line that I wonder? Hmm I said no as I don’t have anything to do in the city and I am not prepared to drive 25 minutes home to go back for him later in the day.
5zeds · 22/08/2021 09:32

If it’s 25 mins each way it’s more like two hours of OPs Sunday.

Personally I have a lot of children so couldn’t accommodate endless driving. I’d say if there are no buses on a Sunday then he could socialise on a Saturday? I’d drop as a one off but find him a more independent way of getting around or time your shopping to his social life.

JEdgarHoover · 22/08/2021 09:33

@EarringsandLipstick cheer up, it’s a 13 year old off to meet a girl in town on a Sunday, not off to a swingers party. And OP didn’t know it was a girl so she couldn’t have shared that information

Outbutnotoutout · 22/08/2021 09:34

I'm an adult instructor in the cadets, we have just had a week long camp, well a week long of activities as they couldn't sleep over.

I wonder if your near me.

Anyway, teach him how to be self sufficient and make him get the bus.

nimbuscloud · 22/08/2021 09:35

@Outbutnotoutout
If you read the op’s posts you will see there is no bus on Sundays.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 22/08/2021 09:36

good for you OP. It's brilliant for younger teens to be able spread their wings a little. Hope the Lynx Africa works its magic.

brazenandstrange · 22/08/2021 09:37

Glad you're taking him OP.

Ask him to send you his current location a couple of times in the day if you're worried. My 14 yr old will do that willingly in exchange for the freedom.

If you don't know - if you send him a text, he just touches your name at the top and then Info and then Send Current Location.

lanbro · 22/08/2021 09:40

I'd take him, I drove an hour to collect one of my daughter's friends as she couldn't be dropped off and was a rare opportunity for a sleepover. You chose to live rurally so it's up to you to facilitate your dc meeting friends.

What will you do when they're of driving age? I grew up fairly rurally but mine and friend's parents all made sure we could drive at 17 and had access to cars

Goingdriving · 22/08/2021 09:41

I understand how you feel about not knowing kids. But You know the context in which these friends were made though (cadet camp). And as you live in a rural area and he’s going to meet friends beyond your home you are going to need to find a way to deal with this as the issue will recur. You could go along with him and say hello and hang out in town while he’s there and pick him up. If there are sleepovers though I’d want to talk to parents at this age. I think yoj probably need to do it as at 13 friends really really start to matter.

Original poster
condensationwindows · 22/08/2021 09:43

@EarringsandLipstick

He’s just told me it’s a girl he’s wanting to meet. I’ve told him to get in the shower and get the lynx Africa out.

That's quite a different situation than you presented earlier - you keep changing the goalposts here.

It's fine of course but definitely worth a different conversation about what they'll do, how he'll approach things & your own guidance on these situations.

It's a girl from cadets that he will be meeting.
OP posts:
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