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If you are in your 40s/50s with no children…

206 replies

AnaViaSalamanca · 20/08/2021 21:19

What is your life like? How do you spend the bulk of your free time?

Mid/late 30s here. Most friends have kids or are trying for. I have no desire. In fact the thought of having children makes me anxious but wondering about the alternative

OP posts:
Jerseygirl12 · 22/08/2021 12:21

burnoutbabe do it, Disney cruises are amazing!!

Sittingonabench · 22/08/2021 12:34

By 40-50, many people’s kids have grown and become independent and they are rediscovering child-free life. Mon - Fri focus on career and self-care - trying to get into a good skin care routine, gym, exploring cooking healthy foods from different places, read, tv etc. Weekends may be looking at things in the house - renovations, decorations etc. Planning for extravagant holidays - ok this is on hold but my dream is to visit Japan for 3 weeks and see as much as I can and try all the foods and Ibsen etc. Without kids I have time to learn a bit of pigeon language and really get into the planning - I love it! Spontaneous outings to town to see something or just because I fancy a coffee and a mooch about. I love Sunday mornings in a coffee shop with the papers. Keeping a clean and tidy house is also something that makes me so happy.

FinallyHere · 22/08/2021 12:42

It's a huge part of life to not experience if you decide not to have children.

There are so.many parts of life which I will never experience. I'll never have to flee a war torn zone or pay traffickers for a space in a dingy to cross a sea. I'll never look back at the earth from the space capsule or down from the top of Everest. No Olympic medals, no hunger, no homelessness, no poverty.

As for having children to fill up your time...

In my '60's child free by choice, I am very happy with my life. I work full time and have been pretty successful and have not taken any hit for maternity leave or needing to be flexible for school care. I have been mercifully free of the 'mum guilt' some of my colleagues occasionally express

I am financially solvent, if there is anything I want to have or to do, I know I have the means to do so. This does not leave me with whole oceans of time to fill, when I wonder what to do.

It means that I am in a position to have a lovely home, cleaner and gardener so really no chores other than to get up myself up and washed. I can take up interests and pursue hobbies. There is time and money to take an interest in young people, support charities (through payroll giving, naturally so that's out of gross income before tax). When I go out with friends, I can afford to pay my way, we can treat each other, without having to even think about never mind worry about the bill.

There are lots of situations where throwing money at a problem makes it all a lot less stressful. I've travelled a lot for work and fun, exec lounges and business class seats ate a very different world to being squashed together in economy with restless bored little ones.

I still expect value for money, I don't waste money but if I did, there would still be no consequences for me.

Another thing I am spared is the agony of having a child who disapproves of me, who has decided to go no contact and not be in my life.

I've been pretty fortunate in my DH. Some of the threads I find most heartbreaking on MN are those where someone is clearly being abused but hesitate about leaving because they have children. And as for the threads where the new DM gets landed with all or even most of the childcare for their DSC, while the children's father is let off scott free

Everyone who has had children deserve my gratitude: I see how the economy, and the world as we know it, would come to a halt if there were no next generation to follow us. I appreciate that I am not pulling my weight in providing that next generation. I am genuinely astonished by how many people are prepared to do so, what is essentially a selfless act of having children.

If the benefits were more dependable, there would be no need for what I see as the way people feel obliged to tell me how marvellous parenting is, how terrific the rewards and how empty life is without children, things like 'you will be sorry' or ' you won't know what you are missing'.

Some people are brilliant at parenting, many muddle though and some through no fault of their own hit the buffers. There are obviously intangible rewards of love and smiles, but these seem unevenly spread amongst those who deserve them.

And there can surely be nothing so heartbreaking as losing a child.

As an adult, I would encourage everyone to consider and decide for themselves whether to have children.

My sister has only ever wanted children and is brilliant at dealing with them, and with her grandchildren (and with me, too, to be fair, her six year younger baby sister ). I watch her with the grandchildren (all under ten) and of course see how much they love her and want her attention. I also see how much effort she puts into dealing with them. I certainly don't have that patience naturally and and happy to leave parenting to those who want to do it, as I'm sure they will be better at it than I am.

I'm happy to have a much more hands off role, see them occasionally and provide age-appropriate treats like theatre visits which they might not otherwise experience.

In my circle of friends, from different interests and activities, people tended to fall away when they had children. Not completely, but for many types of activities which are just not child friendly. They then joined in again when their children became independent. This means that I have lived in a mostly child free bubble where no one is ever expected to have children and these conversations are not commonplace.

Just like MN, I tend only to get interested enough to follow threads which are not anything to go with DC, so that my experience of MN, in common with the rest of my life, is largely child free.

Child free I get to do pretty much exactly whatever I want to do, highly recommended.

KidneyBeans · 22/08/2021 12:44

@Marni83
Imagine going on a child free focussed website, which also had parents on it because covered other issues to, and starting a thread about in on the very main talk areas (Chat) about how wonderful being pregnant is and how not being pregnant would be shit because they don’t like the inevitable piles and morning sickness.

Did you even read the thread title or OP?
Or are you just very poor at reading comprehension?
In what way did the OP 'start a thread about how being childfree is wonderful and how having kids is shit?'

She didn't. So your 'flipped' example is bollocks.

We get it. You're clearly very uncomfortable with childfree women discussing their experiences and think that women who have procreated are entitled to insert their opinions into any irrelevant topic.

I'm just very glad that my friends who are parents don't have that entitled, self-absorbed attitude

Thortful · 22/08/2021 12:44

I love your post @FinallyHere!

Cantopoly · 22/08/2021 12:46

I find I have far too much spare time and am looking for ways to spend it other than mindless telly. I have become a champion procrastinator - so much so that I cba to actually get up and do anything.

FinallyHere · 22/08/2021 12:50

@Thortful 😘

Thortful · 22/08/2021 12:52

Back at ya, finally 🤣😘

Mochaberoca · 22/08/2021 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

FinallyHere · 23/08/2021 13:51

I often find this thread coming to mind when I read other threads.

For example, good advice for parents on holiday is to ensure each parent gets an hour or so each day to relax and read a book etc.

Non parents, not so much. We have all day everyday to read and relax, if that's really what we want to do.

Laaaaa · 23/08/2021 13:56

I'm in my 40's with one child who is a self sufficient teen. Loads of spare time work 60 plus hours as I love travelling alone or with teen. She is great company, like same things as me so we see a lot of plays and do museums etc.

One child might be a good mix of both

Kitkat151 · 23/08/2021 14:23

Lots of people their 50s will be ‘child free’ as their children will have left home...my 3 had all left home when I was in my late 40s .....( 55 now) so spent my free time walking....holidays...with friends...theatre....same as a childless person in their 50s would

emeraldcity2000 · 23/08/2021 16:45

I'm on my 30s with 2 kids so I don't really fit the brief but this thread has really got me thinking about my child free friends and how I show up to them... some of them are super happy, have loads of hobbies and generally love their lives. If I'm honest they are usually the ones to organise stuff and to initiate contact. I'll always try and join in with stuff but I'm pretty passive (read exhausted) about organising... I really appreciate it when they do that though and I hope I'll be a better friend in a few years time...

One is having a bit more of an existential crisis about their purpose and how they want to spend their time. Headed off travelling when they can and thinking about changing careers to give a bit more back. We had a very deep conversation about if children gave life meaning. I (half) joked that I'm not really sure but I don't have time to figure that out as I need to put some washing on!

I guess I'm saying don't give up on your friends with small people. We know we're rubbish friends in the first few years but we just can't do it all!

Gwenhwyfar · 23/08/2021 17:48

I don't have hobbies. I go online eg MN, watch Netflix and go out for drinks/food on the weekend.

user1498572889 · 23/08/2021 17:57

I have 3 kids but I had them very young so when I was in my mid forties they were pretty much doing their own thing. I love them but I also love being able to do what I want without having to take anyone else into account. I have grandkids now I’m in my fifties and it’s lovely to spend time with them but just as lovely being able to give them back. I think I have the best of both worlds.

gogohm · 23/08/2021 18:01

Our kids are adults, apart from the occasional lift (to/from university) our time is our own, we work, we go out for meals, go swimming, parkrun, go to see bands, meet with friends, go out on the motorbike... it's great!

gogohm · 23/08/2021 18:04

Should add I was child free by 46 as I had my kids younger

Firstwelive · 23/08/2021 18:08

@emeraldcity2000

I'm on my 30s with 2 kids so I don't really fit the brief but this thread has really got me thinking about my child free friends and how I show up to them... some of them are super happy, have loads of hobbies and generally love their lives. If I'm honest they are usually the ones to organise stuff and to initiate contact. I'll always try and join in with stuff but I'm pretty passive (read exhausted) about organising... I really appreciate it when they do that though and I hope I'll be a better friend in a few years time...

One is having a bit more of an existential crisis about their purpose and how they want to spend their time. Headed off travelling when they can and thinking about changing careers to give a bit more back. We had a very deep conversation about if children gave life meaning. I (half) joked that I'm not really sure but I don't have time to figure that out as I need to put some washing on!

I guess I'm saying don't give up on your friends with small people. We know we're rubbish friends in the first few years but we just can't do it all!

This is such a good perspective. I've drifted away from a number of single friends since I've become a mum, and I don't think they understand that I still exist as an individual and would gladly stay a loyal friend, but it is a really exhausting 1-2 decade stretch to bring up little people. We are all humans, whether with children or not.

Don't give up on your good friends. And you can do whatever you enjoy, if you haven't found anything yet the world is your oyster and you can try lots of things. It doesn't have to be travelling or sports as age does set in and some things are just not the same as in youth.

Amboseli · 23/08/2021 18:26

We're early 50s and are able to do all the things that the childfree posters talk about. Our children are 15 and 18 and very independent.

But of course when they were younger hobbies, spontaneous meals out, sleep etc went out of the window.

But the years fly by and before you know it they grow older and become very independent and you start regaining your freedom.

reprehensibleme · 23/08/2021 21:41

For all those with children saying that by the time they're in there fifties they pretty much live their lives as they want because their children are all grown up, I have family members and friends who :
Are looking after grandchildren several days a week so their children don't have to pay for childcare (and not loving it)
Are going through the angst of teenage offspring dealing with a pregnancy they don't want (the prospective father) ,trying to be supportive while making it clear they will not be taking on raising a baby.
Dealing with serious depression of an adult child who has moved back home after a relationship breakdown.
Being tapped for funds on a regular basis by a spendthrift daughter.

So I'm not sure it ends when the kids reach eighteen Grin

OP, I've said it on the threads before - people who are child free often seem to put far more thought into their decision than those who have children, that being just something people do, the next thing.

And, of course there are many, many people who should definitely have made the decision not to have children but went on and did it anyway, to the detriment of the children.

Having children is hands down the most selfish act anyone can commit. It's always done for the parent's sake and anyone saying it's a selfless act is a big fibber.

Pallisers · 23/08/2021 21:51

Not us but dh has 2 brothers/spouses in 40s/50s living relatively close to us, neither of them has children (by choice I'm pretty sure). We joke that none of our children will have kids because they can compare and contrast our lives!

They have incredible freedom to do what they want in my view , both time-wise and financially. One couple are academics so they spend summers/sabbaticals in other countries without having to consider kids/friends/sports leagues etc. - just up and go where they want. the other couple has a few boats and since working from home became a thing have gone to the sun for the winter.

Other than that, they live like us though - friends/dinners/coffees etc.

I do think - and they admit it - that having our children in their lives has given them a lot of the nicer experiences of children - playing with them when they were little, going to school plays and performances, graduations etc, having a relationship with a young adult whom you love.

Looking at them, while I desperately wanted children, I certainly think being childless can be just great.

Mushtullo · 23/08/2021 22:28

@reprehensibleme

For all those with children saying that by the time they're in there fifties they pretty much live their lives as they want because their children are all grown up, I have family members and friends who : Are looking after grandchildren several days a week so their children don't have to pay for childcare (and not loving it) Are going through the angst of teenage offspring dealing with a pregnancy they don't want (the prospective father) ,trying to be supportive while making it clear they will not be taking on raising a baby. Dealing with serious depression of an adult child who has moved back home after a relationship breakdown. Being tapped for funds on a regular basis by a spendthrift daughter.

So I'm not sure it ends when the kids reach eighteen Grin

OP, I've said it on the threads before - people who are child free often seem to put far more thought into their decision than those who have children, that being just something people do, the next thing.

And, of course there are many, many people who should definitely have made the decision not to have children but went on and did it anyway, to the detriment of the children.

Having children is hands down the most selfish act anyone can commit. It's always done for the parent's sake and anyone saying it's a selfless act is a big fibber.

There are some silly generalisations in this post. Childfree people are not by definition thoughtful, original and unselfish any more than parents are unthinking, gormless breeders surfing waves of broodiness, and anyone who needs to justify their decision to have or not have children by depicting those who made the opposite decision as either (1) chilly, selfish hedonists unwilling to swap a Gucci handbag for a nappy bag and doomed to die alone after a life experienced in monochrome or (2) selfish sheeple martyred by cycles of joyless weaning, teething, teenage pregnancies, after which it starts all over with free childcare for grandchildren etc needs to really examine why they’re so invested in making the other decision look quite so awful.
reprehensibleme · 23/08/2021 22:56

No investment here whatsoever - I don't really care about other people's decisions whether to have children or otherwise - was really just responding to the op and to pps who were arguing that there is little or no difference between the lives of people in their fifties who do or don't have children - I think there is a difference, looking at the lives of people around me who do have grown children. And reading plenty of threads on here that suggest the angst doesn't stop on your child's 18th.

I do think people who choose not to have children generally think long and hard about their decision, not least because (and this only seems to apply to women) it is seen as a somewhat unnatural stance.

As far as the chilly, hedonistic, gucci owning, monochromatic lives we child free types lead, well, I wouldn't know a gucci if it bit me on the arse, and I'm about ready to swing for my Dbro who evades any responsibility for care of our Ddad because 'I' ve got the kids to worry about - you don't understaaaaaaaand', said kids being in their late teens with the idea that spending any time with their parents is a complete embarrassment.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 23/08/2021 22:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Amboseli · 23/08/2021 23:16

@reprehensibleme I don't think your family members represent every 50 plus parent.

I feel very lucky to have the best of both worlds. The privilege of having children and now also the time and freedom to do some of things we put on hold when the children were young.

As long as we are happy and fulfilled with our choices that's all that counts.