If you are in your 40s/50s with no children…

[AnaViaSalamanca]

What is your life like? How do you spend the bulk of your free time?

Mid/late 30s here. Most friends have kids or are trying for. I have no desire. In fact the thought of having children makes me anxious but wondering about the alternative

* The thread title is literally 'if you're in your 40s/50s with no children'*

On a site that is “literally” mumsnet

@Marni83

This is a parenting site Dominated by parents Start a thread n chat on a parenting site, which is totally your prerogative Expect response from parents

I suggest you start a site for child free people if you’d rather reduce the number of posts from parents

Because you think parents are incapable of understanding that not every discussion relates to their reproductive experience?

That's certainly not my experience of all parents. I think if you are trying to use that as a reason for derailing this thread then that is a reflection on your entitlement or discomfort with other lifestyle choices, not a reflection on parents generally, many of whom are perfectly capable of not crowbarring their personal reproductive experiences into unrelated discussions.

With a tag line that states

* Mumsnet is the UK's biggest online network for parents, a one-stop shop for everything you need to know for pregnancy and beyond. Alongside its discussion forums, where parents exchange advice and opinions*

Because you think parents are incapable of understanding that not every discussion relates to their reproductive experience?

Of course not
But expect parent responses talking about their Lives as parents!

@Marni83

* The thread title is literally 'if you're in your 40s/50s with no children'*

On a site that is “literally” mumsnet

So tell me @Marni83

Why do you think MNHQ created topic-specific discussion boards if only mum's experiences of are relevant here?
Why do you think they created a Dadsnet board within mumsnet? Surely that's irrelevant if your argument is that only mums' experiences are valid?

Surely certain groups are allowed their own space.
Isn't there a board -black mumsnetters -which is pretty clear that they do not want others poking their noses in, which is fair enough.

Back to the topic - when i say I cab please myself I mean I have to take into account my partner. But I picked him as we have compatible interests. So we like the same movies mostly, and sane sort of days out.

Add on 2 more kids and I'd not be able to do what I wanted, we could go to the cinema but it would we a kids movie, days out would be a compromise -heck I live Disney but wouldn't want to go to Disney with a child where we'd have to have naps and go on kiddie rides.

So adding people into your family bubble means you are bound to have to compromise a lot more anyway.

* Surely certain groups are allowed their own space*

This was posted in Chat

Wow the messages from parents feeling defensive enough about their choice to have children to post on a thread not for them makes me even happier and content with my decision to remain childfree! If its so great why not be secure enough to own it rather than try and convince others it's good.

OP I agree with others that actually 30s/40s is probably more prohibiting. I am fortunate in that although obviously things have changed for my friends and our friendship has adapted ie less last minute nights out at the weekend etc, we still talk about plenty other than children, I love spending time with them both alone and with their little ones, and we remain close.

I think this thread goes a long way to prove that some people just cannot stop talking about their children, even on a thread which specifically requests replies from people in their 40s and 50s who don’t have them.

@Marni83

*Because you think parents are incapable of understanding that not every discussion relates to their reproductive experience?*

Of course not
But expect parent responses talking about their Lives as parents!

Why would I expect parents to share their reproductive experiences on a discussion thread that is clearly not about that?

@KidneyBeans

This was posted in chat!

Why don’t you ask mumsnet if you want a specific space?

A discussion thread

On a site

That is called mumsnet with a tag line that says it is the UK’s biggest “parenting” chat forum!

I don’t want any censorship of threads

And on a parenting site

You have to expect posts from parents

@Marni83

* Surely certain groups are allowed their own space*

This was posted in Chat

And that means you should totally disregard the thread title and OP because your 'right' to discuss your reproductive experiences is more important than other posters rights to have a discussion unrelated to your reproductive choices? Gosh that's pretty self-centred

Meant to add, I've used the time to put extra time into study into furthering my career, overpaying on the mortgage, pre covid we had travelled to every continent, i play a sport I love at County level, and we are both hoping for early retirement.

@Marni83

A discussion thread

On a site

That is called mumsnet with a tag line that says it is the UK’s biggest “parenting” chat forum!

I don’t want any censorship of threads

And on a parenting site

You have to expect posts from parents

Sadly yes we can, even when their responses aren't relevant to the topic at hand.

@Marni83

A discussion thread

On a site

That is called mumsnet with a tag line that says it is the UK’s biggest “parenting” chat forum!

I don’t want any censorship of threads

And on a parenting site

You have to expect posts from parents

Not unless you think parents are incapable of allowing childfree people to have discussions relating to their own experiences. You clearly do

The number of talk topics would reduce by about two thirds if only subjects relating to parenthood could be discussed.

I'm here for the amazing women posting on FWR, The Archers, craft, Scotsnet and a dozen other categories which have nowt to do with procreation.

I'm another Childfree person on Mumsnet (the horror!)

The thing is, this is one of the largest female centred sites on the internet, with such a broad range of topics (everything from legal issues to weight loss, feminism, money matters, style and beauty, employment issues, gardening) many of which are not specifically about children.

Most of the internet is dominated by men, so it's really nice to connect with other women and share ideas and support, regardless of whether they are parents or not.

OP, if you want to connect with more people without children, you should join hobby groups and look outside of your age range for friends. It's difficult in your 30's/40's as that is the age your friendship with parents will diverge so much. If you hang on for a few years, they may come back to you, but in the meantime, build up your network.

There are some sites you can try:

Facebook Childfree groups - I'm sure there are some in your area.

Boards.ie - an Irish website that has a ChildfreeByChoice board, not very busy as it's relatively new but should pick up.

TheChildfreeLife - It's American based, I haven't been there in a while but it had some good discussions/ resources.

Interestingly they regularly get parents coming on telling them how horrible they are and will regret it , some people just can't help themselves.

I suggest you start a site for child free people if you’d rather reduce the number of posts from parents

Or you could just keep your beak out, Marni

Every thread about being child free is derailed by mothers. Every single one. Just accept that your perspective is neither needed nor wanted.

Can you imagine if I went on the pregnancy board to tell them all what a big mistake they were making, how rude would that be?!

@KidneyBeans

I agree with your posts.

I too thought it odd/patronising/irrelevant posting about how wonderful life is with DC when the OP asked a question about life without children.

I just can't see child free posters wading into a thread where someone asked 'tell me all about your experiences of having children' so I find the pro children posts quite strange and somewhat defensive.

The OP has, quite rightly, said that society's expectations are that she should have children. As women, we are conditioned into believing we should have children but women should be encouraging each other to accept the decision not to have children.

OP, I am child free by choice, partly due to having the most horrendous, abusive upbringing. I am not one of the privileged middle classes. I am an ordinary woman, I have a job that I largely enjoy, I have a husband, cats, friends and spare time to do what I choose.

I knew very early on that I didn't want children having been forced to bring up younger siblings, feeling the huge burden of responsibility from a very young age. A responsibility that was not mine to bear. I did not want that as an adult. It was far too anxiety provoking.

I realised in my mid 20's that I didn't really like being around children either. The demands, the worry, the financial burden, the emotional drain (and not forgetting the piercing screams!) would all impact negatively on me. So, I made a conscious decision not to have children and I have no regrets.

Not all women want children and not all women want to be child free. The important bit is that you make a choice based on what you want and not what people expect of you. It's positive that you are thinking about it and asking questions. Too often people don't 'think'. In my job, I see so many women who put more thought into the brand of baked beans they're purchasing than they did into having children.

You do what's best for you.

Maybe we can get back to answering the OP's questions?

Which are:
If you are aged 40's/50's with no children:

1. What is your life like?
2. How do you spend the bulk of your free time?

She was clear she does not want children, and wasn't asking to be persuaded she is wrong, nor debate the right for childfree people to post (on an open internet forum, regardless of name).

If you are a parent or under 40 or over 60 but feel you can answer her questions, go right ahead......but do try to stick to the point.

If not perhaps we can help thread get back on track?

@AnaViaSalamanca

Thanks all! I actually have had a look at gateway women before, and just had a quick glance again. The thing is, that looks to be more for people who couldn’t have children and now trying to come to terms with it. They seem to be so sad. Me, I don’t want children. I don’t like them! I feel dread and anxiety when I think about having kids.

Why I made this thread is that I am feeling quite alone while losing friends to the baby club. I have nothing in common with them any more. My life is same as it was five years ago but with few friends. I know for me having children is not the right thing, just need to hear stories about happy childfree choices and lifestyles

Believe it or not being child free by choice is mot talked about much.

I have a good friend in her 60s who never had children. She'd have loved them but it was not to be. She and her husband have travelled a lot. He's retired and she's self employed and swears she'll never retire. They were able to afford a house with land, and support a lot of wildlife. We've had some very lengthy chats about it over the years, and I know there is some sadness, but she said they are very fulfilled in other ways. Of all my friends, she is the one I have the most philosophical/abstract conversations with as we don't fall into 'what are the children up to?' kind of conversations.
I adore her- she's very interesting. I'm not your target audience as I have adult children, but I am in my 50s with none of them home. I thoroughly enjoy life and have hobbies and interests of my own. Love to read and write and study uninterrupted (better late than never) I enjoy time with my family but as a pp said, they feel more like friends these days.

I'm sorry @AnaViaSalamanca I didn't mean to quote you as such. I hadn't read the full thread but I've read all your posts