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Original poster

If you are in your 40s/50s with no children…

206 replies

AnaViaSalamanca · 20/08/2021 21:19

What is your life like? How do you spend the bulk of your free time?

Mid/late 30s here. Most friends have kids or are trying for. I have no desire. In fact the thought of having children makes me anxious but wondering about the alternative

OP posts:
EmpressWitchDoesntBurn · 21/08/2021 14:43

Don't have kids because you think you might regret not having them in the future. That's crazy.

This. I’ve seen posters before saying that if somebody’s not sure, they should go ahead & have a child anyway, & that having one child isn’t that different from having none. All of which sounds like utterly batshit & totally irresponsible advice.

Greenscrubs · 21/08/2021 14:59

We are early 40s, have just moved to the beach and have taken up golf. I'm crap at it but hoping to get better! 😂

For me it's a bit different as the idea of getting pregnant is absolutely terrifying, I had a traumatic childhood and so the idea of ever having children is very scary. We use two methods of contraception but every month I still get desperate to see my period and it's a relief each time. Finding out I was pregnant would be the end of my life and I have no idea how anyone ever, ever wants that.

We rescue dogs, see friends, love our nephews and nieces but also love coming home to just us, to our happy little bubble.

I think it depends how much you'd regret not doing it. A big decision either way.

IceLace100 · 21/08/2021 15:53

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn

Don't have kids because you think you might regret not having them in the future. That's crazy.

This. I’ve seen posters before saying that if somebody’s not sure, they should go ahead & have a child anyway, & that having one child isn’t that different from having none. All of which sounds like utterly batshit & totally irresponsible advice.

If you're not sure about kids in your 30s/ early 40s you can adopt and foster much later than that.

Parenthood can come later in life, but once you have them you can't take it back!!!

Original poster
AnaViaSalamanca · 21/08/2021 19:20

Thanks all! I actually have had a look at gateway women before, and just had a quick glance again. The thing is, that looks to be more for people who couldn’t have children and now trying to come to terms with it. They seem to be so sad. Me, I don’t want children. I don’t like them! I feel dread and anxiety when I think about having kids.

Why I made this thread is that I am feeling quite alone while losing friends to the baby club. I have nothing in common with them any more. My life is same as it was five years ago but with few friends. I know for me having children is not the right thing, just need to hear stories about happy childfree choices and lifestyles

Believe it or not being child free by choice is mot talked about much.

OP posts:
LoganRoy · 21/08/2021 20:49

OP I felt like you so I started a thread a few days ago which you might find interesting -
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4325437-If-you-are-childfree-by-choice-do-you-feel-you-are-missing-out-on-a-part-of-life?pg=1

ChiaraRimini · 21/08/2021 20:56

Make positive choices about what you want to do, not based on what other people do or what you think you should do.
I do have kids but if I had not had them I would have had more freedom to move to different countries, take up a new job or retrain for a different career. I have often thought over the years that I might have liked to go back to uni, moved cities or taken a paycut to go into a different role. However because I had kids I have sacrificed flexibility to give them a comfortable upbringing and stable home environment not moving to different places . You do have that flexibility, so use it.

lifehappened · 21/08/2021 21:44

It's a funny one because a lot of this thread is assuming kids are a bind. I've literally never felt that. I enjoy my life with my husband and kids and have ALOT of fun doing things with friends and family, going away, days out, eating out. I don't get why people think you can't do that with kids. Totally don't have kids if you don't want them, I'm just saying from the otherside that it's not all doom and gloom over here on the kids side of things

CherryPieface · 21/08/2021 21:54

I’m 49, husband is 46. Not having kids was always what we wanted, it wasn’t even a choice, just have no interest in being parents. We’ve both got good jobs that allow a great social life. Eating out, travel, gym, walking, film, cooking, theatre, galleries, friends etc. Husband has more hobbies than me, I’m happy doing my own thing.

Monestera · 22/08/2021 08:15

I think it is tricky in your 30s, because friends just disappear to have babies. And if/when you meet up you suddenly don't have much in common and the friendship drifts.

Heliachi · 22/08/2021 08:29

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Heliachi · 22/08/2021 08:30

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Marni83 · 22/08/2021 08:33

I know plenty of people with kids who are as thick as mince/ have no hobbies and interests, so if you took their children away they'd be sitting at home just watching loose women and eating super noodles. It's not some kind of mad binary.

The sad thing is
This type of person will probably still be doing this despite having children. So their children will also be sitting at home when not at school eating super noodles and watching loose women

ChaToilLeam · 22/08/2021 08:38

Childfree by choice here. We’re not rolling in money but we live well enough, and spend time with friends and pursuing our hobbies. I absolutely never wanted kids: the noise, mess and sheer relentlessness of being a parent is not something I ever found attractive.

Heliachi · 22/08/2021 08:38

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Marni83 · 22/08/2021 08:40

If you have no motivation and sit around watching day time tv and eating junk as an adult before children then chances are - you’ll continue after.

I led a very active full life pre children
I live a very active full lift… post having children

gunnersgold · 22/08/2021 08:44

I decided to have a second at 37, he has special needs . We had all the invasive tests in pregnancy and they said he was fine . He is not . It's such a risk that I didn't know about ( I trusted the medical professionals ) . He is hard work and will be with us forever , I'm tired , stressed and bored . Just think about it seriously and make sure not with rose tinted specs.

KidneyBeans · 22/08/2021 08:58

@lifehappened

It's a funny one because a lot of this thread is assuming kids are a bind. I've literally never felt that. I enjoy my life with my husband and kids and have ALOT of fun doing things with friends and family, going away, days out, eating out. I don't get why people think you can't do that with kids. Totally don't have kids if you don't want them, I'm just saying from the otherside that it's not all doom and gloom over here on the kids side of things
Good for you, but also pretty irrelevant as the OP has clearly said she doesn't want children and is looking for insights from childfree women.

She hasn't asked about the pros and cons of having kids or for parenting experiences

Why do people with children feel the need to insist on sharing how much they've enjoyed an experience that the OP has clearly said she doesn't want?

It's incredibly patronising to suggest that she might not have thought about it, or that you know what she wants from her life better than she does

Marni83 · 22/08/2021 09:07

@KidneyBeans

I read that post you quoted and I’m struggling to see how you can have such a problem with it
The poster is saying - your call not to have children.
But it is not accurate to assumed parenting per se is some kind of terrible restrictive bind

Surely you can decide not to have children but still see that parenting would be wonderful. However so many are - in child free as I couldn’t bear the mess and restriction of children etc

Petardos · 22/08/2021 09:12

You are lucky that is your decision and not that you want and can’t. Most of my friends did not have kids for various reasons. They focus on making sure their future is financially secure. They are happy and seem to enjoy their freedom. There are huge advantages being on your situation. Keep in touch with your friends but also make new ones and get new hobbies.

EmpressWitchDoesntBurn · 22/08/2021 09:14

Surely you can decide not to have children but still see that parenting would be wonderful.

It’s entirely possible to see that parenting is wonderful for other people while recognising that for you personally it would be a nightmare.

Marni83 · 22/08/2021 09:17

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn

Surely you can decide not to have children but still see that parenting would be wonderful.

It’s entirely possible to see that parenting is wonderful for other people while recognising that for you personally it would be a nightmare.

Agreed But read the posts Many don’t say that. It’s framed as “parenting is shit and restrictive”
KidneyBeans · 22/08/2021 09:17

[quote Marni83]@KidneyBeans

I read that post you quoted and I’m struggling to see how you can have such a problem with it
The poster is saying - your call not to have children.
But it is not accurate to assumed parenting per se is some kind of terrible restrictive bind

Surely you can decide not to have children but still see that parenting would be wonderful. However so many are - in child free as I couldn’t bear the mess and restriction of children etc[/quote]
What's the 'such a problem' I have?

I simply pointed out that it's irrelevant.

Practically every post about being childfree on MN gets taken over by posters saying oh but I love being a parent!
Great, good for you.

But a totally irrelevant experience and not one the OP has asked about.

FiveShelties · 22/08/2021 09:21

We were unable to have children but this has meant a very early retirement from a very varied career, lots of travel (well pre 2020 anyway), meals out, week-ends away and just doing what the hell we want.

I have no regrets, life has been very kind to us and I feel we have been very very fortunate.

Do not let anyone push you into having children OP, they sound really hard work sometimes, especially some of the stuff I read on here!Grin

SecretSpAD · 22/08/2021 09:26

As the OP doesn't want children and is very sure she doesn't, I'm not sure how useful it is to tell her about how shit or how wonderful it is.

What I often find is that parents seem to have a rose tinted view of what their lives would be like if they hadn't had children. They just know they would be high flying, off on multiple exotic holidays etc etc. The truth is, for the vast majority of people with and without kids, life is a mixture of mundane, annoying, fabulous fun and meh.

I also find that childfree people have spent far more time thinking about whether or not they want kids than people who have them - and yet they are the ones that society constantly questions.

nembrotha · 22/08/2021 09:28

45 and childfree by choice here. Got up after my 8 hours uninterrupted sleep, ate breakfast in peace, then went for 2 hour mountain bike ride. Chilling now, then have a day filled with gardening/dog walk/meet friends. The constant noise/demands of kids would just make me miserable.

For caring/giving I volunteer one day a week, sort stuff out for my sick DM. I have a niece and nephew who come stay 4-5 times a year (and I help financially).

Two main points OP:

  1. Spend your money wisely/invest in pension so you can retire early if you wish (which you likely will). So much easier if you don't have the monetary drain of kids.

2)For the next 10-15 years you're better off making friendships with younger or older people, as once you're friends start child-rearing they (unsurprisingly) only have energy for that. I have a great set of friends in their 60s with a positive outlook and money to go to restaurants/plays etc.