If you are in your 40s/50s with no children…

[AnaViaSalamanca]

What is your life like? How do you spend the bulk of your free time?

Mid/late 30s here. Most friends have kids or are trying for. I have no desire. In fact the thought of having children makes me anxious but wondering about the alternative

Child free, mid fifties, married 25 years.

Love my life.

When I'm not working I cook, read, crochet, garden, do a lot of walking, genealogy (yes, I recognise this may look like a wasted effort as I have no-one to pass the info on to, but have found so much fascinating stuff that it actually doesn't matter ).

DH and I frequently head off on a Saturday or Sunday for a day out and decide on the spur of the moment to stay over somewhere.

WE go to concerts, museums, galleries. We go out for long lunches, picnic by a river and spend the afternoon reading.

I've never wanted children, have no regrets, like the calm haven of my home, appreciate my strong and loving relationship with DH.

What if you aren't earning a decent wage or not in a a high flying job that's hugely interesting ? I suppose we are talking about affluent well educated middle class types who chose not to have them. The early retirement, holiday homes, luxury vacations abroad...
@ KidneyBeans hate to say it but mumsnet is a parenting site so many posters will say 'love being a parent' as well as 'it's an absolute drudge'

Surely a lot of this is an age thing rather than if you have DC or not? It sounds like I enjoy the same things as reprehensibleme and I’ve also been married 25 years. The difference is I have 3 grown up DC.

@KidneyBeans

Is it such a surprise that such threads do have a number of parents coming on to throw in their view on it?

The name “mumsnet”. It’s hardly hidden that this site is dominated by parents.

So if you start a thread in “chat”
Then you really shouldn’t be surprised by parents entering and commenting

Why I made this thread is that I am feeling quite alone while losing friends to the baby club. I have nothing in common with them any more. My life is same as it was five years ago but with few friends

The 30's and early 40's are the worst time for this as a childfree person. Friends do drop away. The children are very young need constant attention, parents are new to it and still learning to cope, money is tight due to childcare costs and babysitters a luxury, leaving the house is a military operation and nothing can be spontaneous. Conversations are boring child centred ones because they think their kids are fascinating and it's so overwhelming it's all they have head space for.

You do need to extend your social circle. Find new childfree/single friends, join groups with hobbies or interests you enjoy,and you will find there are many people out there. My childfree friends cover a wide age range and I Iove that. I'm in my fifties and youngest mate is just turned 40, oldest friend is in her 70's and is an energetic, intelligent, interesting person who has had an incredible life, still working and at top of her game.

As someone else said, it's not about "filling in time" it's about finding purpose in life and doing what you enjoy.

I travel a lot (well did...!) on group guided trips to places I'd never go to alone (met 2 now close friends that way too). House/pet sit for friends on holiday so I get to stay in differnt houses and visit nice parts of the country for a change of scenery. Even better now thanks to Covid I'm WFH full time and can be anywhere working. I can do things spontaneously, for example nice hot weather coming up ? Book some short notice annual leave and book a B&B for a few days. Or just take a day off and head for a park, beach or countryside walk. I get time to read, watch interesting TV, go running. Life has it's lonely moments and existential crises do happen but children would not have prevented those, in fact often just mask or delay confronting them.

Also many of my friends came back into my life as they emerged from the baby years. Many found that the friends they had made through baby groups they had nothing in common with other than the kids and that got boring. If you value the relationship just keep up the contact as best you can, a quick coffee in the playground cafe et (but NEVER say yes to softplay centres, you have been warned....). They will soon start to see you as a childfree respite centre with wine! If not, well it wasn't the strongest friendship in the world after all.

**
45 and childfree by choice here. Got up after my 8 hours uninterrupted sleep, ate breakfast in peace, then went for 2 hour mountain bike ride. Chilling now, then have a day filled with gardening/dog walk/meet friends. The constant noise/demands of kids would just make me miserable.**

Sounds lovely!

Also sounds very similar to mine. As a 40 year old mother of two older primary children.

I went for an early morning long run. Came home at 8am and both still asleep. I had a coffee and mooch on Internet.
They woke and i sorted simple breakfast for us all whilst they read and I listened to radio.

Now they’re getting dressed and I’m in the bath reading a mag and perusing mumsnet.

It’s like joining a Dog site
And then starting a thread about not owning and dog and why owning a dog is so appealing to you

Absolutely nothing wrong with doing that
But you should not be surprised If the many many many more dog owners on the site, throw in their views

@lifehappened

It's a funny one because a lot of this thread is assuming kids are a bind. I've literally never felt that. I enjoy my life with my husband and kids and have ALOT of fun doing things with friends and family, going away, days out, eating out. I don't get why people think you can't do that with kids. Totally don't have kids if you don't want them, I'm just saying from the otherside that it's not all doom and gloom over here on the kids side of things

It is if you don't want children though!

OP maybe try a new sport or hobby to meet a new group of people if you feel like a lot of friends have drifted? Tend to get a wide range of people, ages, and personalities and I think in general it can be hard to otherwise meet friends as an adult.

@Marni83

It’s like joining a Dog site And then starting a thread about not owning and dog and why owning a dog is so appealing to you

Absolutely nothing wrong with doing that
But you should not be surprised If the many many many more dog owners on the site, throw in their views

Not really, the post was specifically asking for the experiences of child free women. Of course those with children can post, but I don't see why they feel the need when OP has clearly said she doesn't want children, to try and make the point over and over defensively about how them- its tedious. I have children, and personally I think most of mumsnet isn't child related, it's great to have a huge range of people and posts.

Children are hard work and a life long commitment. Don't think parenting commitments end at 18, they dont. I wish childfree people well, they have made the right choice for them. There are so many opportunities now for people(well perhaps until the Pandemic). Im glad women are no longer tied to the kitchen sink. I wouldn't change my family for anything, but I respect the conscious choice of other people not to have children. In my generation and the generations before, too many women were pressured into having children. The pressure never seemed to be on the men strangely enough. Im glad all that has changed.

I took part in a sport to county level and I moved regularly, buying houses that needed doing up.
Then at 44, just almost mortgage free, I conceived ds and it all changed

@Marni83

It’s like joining a Dog site And then starting a thread about not owning and dog and why owning a dog is so appealing to you

Absolutely nothing wrong with doing that
But you should not be surprised If the many many many more dog owners on the site, throw in their views

I guess only if you insist on crowbarring your irrelevant personal experience into discussions

You clearly do.

I find it odd that there are some people who insist that their right to discuss their own irrelevant personal experiences on threads is more important than simply letting other people have a chat about their (different) personal experience.

Why does other people discussing their childfree experiences make you so uncomfortable that you have insert your own non-childfree experience and derail?
It's weird.

Hmmm you can still enjoy life & have children. Free time does happen. I’ve got two kids, aged 2.5 & 7, so I just make sure I plan carefully ahead for “me time.” And that might be going out for a night out with friends, a day out with DH walking in the countryside followed by a nice pub lunch. Sometimes we go away for the night in a B&B or a local hotel. Pre-COVID we went to the theatre & to the cinema. We have a meal out once a month.

Just because you have children does not mean you don’t or can’t do the things you want! In my case, I would actually say that we do more now than we did pre-children because we have to take active responsibility for planning & scheduling our free time.

Just giving another perspective from my personal experience. People get so anxious about the horror stories re: having children it sometimes does more damage than good I feel. They’re not that bad!! You just have to take ownership over your desire to live your own life as well and make it happen.

And before long they’re more interested in playing with their friends than hanging out with their cruddy old parents anyway!!!

@Handsoffstrikesagain

Yes the gummy bear song is the worst pitfall of parenthood.

@Topia

Hmmm you can still enjoy life & have children. Free time does happen. I’ve got two kids, aged 2.5 & 7, so I just make sure I plan carefully ahead for “me time.” And that might be going out for a night out with friends, a day out with DH walking in the countryside followed by a nice pub lunch. Sometimes we go away for the night in a B&B or a local hotel. Pre-COVID we went to the theatre & to the cinema. We have a meal out once a month.

Just because you have children does not mean you don’t or can’t do the things you want! In my case, I would actually say that we do more now than we did pre-children because we have to take active responsibility for planning & scheduling our free time.

Just giving another perspective from my personal experience. People get so anxious about the horror stories re: having children it sometimes does more damage than good I feel. They’re not that bad!! You just have to take ownership over your desire to live your own life as well and make it happen.

And before long they’re more interested in playing with their friends than hanging out with their cruddy old parents anyway!!!

Great. Not massively helpful to the OP though

@Handsoffstrikesagain

I think the issue is polka is that some posters without children make comments and statements that simply aren’t true or recognisable to a lot of us that are parents and that can give a skewed view of what parenting can be like to others reading this and considering whether or not they’d like children.

Works both ways. I think some parents make comments about life without children that are simply not true or recognisable to childfree women, and this too can give a skewed view of childfree life to others not sure if they want children.

I'm not childfree by choice but I have mostly made my peace with it.
My one on one friendships are fine, it's groups which contain mothers that are harder as conversation inevitably centres on children.
I sublimated my maternal need in dogs, but that is very tying so would only recommend if you really want it.
My lifestyle is as you say similar to five years ago, I am 40.
I am in the process of buying a bike so I will be motivated to get outside more in the winter.
I work, do yoga, cook etc.
I'm not high flying but I like my job, keep up with friends where possible and definitely notice a similar theme to pp in that the younger and older so pre/post young kids friends are the ones I see more.
I still make the effort to maintain old close friendships but I'm also open to strengthening acquaintances into friendsships through shared activities or making new friends.
Also don't lose faith some of my friends children are nearly raised now and they are much more available again.
I think the parents of older children are kidding themselves that their lifestyles are the same as people their age child free though.
You may not be wiping bottoms and cooking dinners but you are still worrying and budgeting to help if needed.
Looking on from the outside the worrying seems worse than the sleepless nights and nappies part.

Works both ways. I think some parents make comments about life without children that are simply not true or recognisable to childfree women, and this too can give a skewed view of childfree life to others not sure if they want children.

Yes. There have been comments in the past on how life without children is grey / pointless / meaningless / loveless, while life with is all love & technicolour.