Family

[Maggiemaggie332]

I want to visit my parents every 2/3 weeks in London from Newcastle (by train) and I’m paying for my own train ticket not my partner. But my partner doesn’t agree and if I do he will refuse to rent? What do you think ?

@Bizjustgotreal

Move to Newcastle. Get a job. Childcare will be cheaper there than London. Visit your parents less frequently than you would like to. Work with your partner to create a stable home and example for your child.

You are coming across as somewhat naive and immature. Time away from your parents and standing on your own two feet, working with your partner as a team, will be the making of you.

Or - if you can't stand him - leave him.

But from reading this it seems like he's tried to do the right thing by you (difficult to find work in a foreign country where you need to be sponsored for a visa). The things you've reported he's said sound as though they are sparked by frustration that he's working and only gets to see his child once a month. Imagine if you only got to see your child once a month and I think you might be able to understand where he's coming from. You could stand to have some more empathy for him.

Yeah with further details I would say shit or get off the pot op.

Move in with him and go back every 6 months or so for a visit. Or leave him and have him pay maintenance only. At the moment it comes across as you stringing him along for financial security.

He should move to London if he wants to be with you and baby

@Lilymossflower might not be so easy if he needs a job that will sponsor his visa

If he's earning 40k and you've decided you won't work for the next 20 months at least, then I absolutely don't blame him for working in Newcastle rather than London. 40k will go a hell of a lot further there. Would you seriously expect him to be sole earner paying all the bills in London?

@Lilymossflower and pay for everything in London by himself, triple the price...

Op, who do you consider to be your and your dc "family"?

@Lilymossflower

He should move to London if he wants to be with you and baby

And support the OP who isn’t working and the baby, in the most expensive city in the country on a sponsored job!?

I wonder why he might not be keen

This is like a jigsaw puzzle and it makes my brain hurt.

This made me head hurt. So you’re 28, planned a baby while presumably still living with your parents, and not living with your partner, you’ve got no intention of going back to work and your partner is currently funding you there as well as himself up in Newcastle, as well as your parents presumably funding you too if you still live with them? and so your partner wants you to move up and live with him, but you are happy to have your parents pay for you to come see them every 2-3 weeks? Is that right?

@Lorw

This made me head hurt. So you’re 28, planned a baby while presumably still living with your parents, and not living with your partner, you’ve got no intention of going back to work and your partner is currently funding you there as well as himself up in Newcastle, as well as your parents presumably funding you too if you still live with them? and so your partner wants you to move up and live with him, but you are happy to have your parents pay for you to come see them every 2-3 weeks? Is that right?

This

I feel sorry for the child brought into this shit show I really do

@Sirzy

There is nothing in your posts that suggest you even like this Man let alone want to be in a relationship with him.

I get wanting to spend time with your family but if you are trying to build a family with your partner then that has to come first. Every other week is excessive and why does it always have to be you doing the travelling can’t they come to you?

This. I get no sense of any love or emotional attachment at all. You also sound quite disconnected from everything. I would consider going back to work at the end of mat leave so you can be independent.

@Maggiemaggie332

Do you think I’m selfish …?

Like others have said - more info required!!!

How can we say if you're selfish if you won't provide the facts? !

Newcastle would be far, far cheaper re living costs but quite frankly, I would no way move there and lose the support of your parents/any other family if he won’t pay for childcare for his own child! On a salary of £40K in Newcastle, he will be very well off.

feel sorry for the child brought into this shit show I really do

I couldn't agree more. Poor thing

@Cherrysoup not supporting 3 of them, that's £2500 a month net (without any pension conts)

If household rent and bills, groceries etc come in at £1500 (rough guesstimate)
then commuting costs, fuel if required, nappies, baby milk etc - and general every day living costs then that really doesn't put them at 'very well off'

He said to me I will see how things are with travel and finance when we live together and if we are not happy we just won’t live together anymore. Normal people won’t say that right ?

Well, normal people wouldn't plan to have a baby with someone they don't live with. Normal people don't plan to have a baby without being in a loving partnership, which would include conversations about how you are going to afford to live / where you are going to live / etc.

Who said I don’t want to work ?
You did. You said you didn't want to think about going out to work until the baby was 2.

Are you expecting him to pay for all bills etc while you live with him and you only pay for your London travel? If so I can very much see why he is annoyed about it.

This ^

He said he will see how things are and if they are not good we will just separate. Would you be annoyed if your partner said this would at least give you some doubts

Well, that is how most couple start out. 1. Go out with each other and see if you think this could be "it". 2. Decide to take the next step and move in with one another to see how that goes. 3. Have all those big talks about future - including finance, including marriage, including children. 4. Having made those choices together then either apply for a mortgage/ TTC / plan your wedding, or whatever both of you have decided is your priority as a couple. You chose to have a baby without those steps first, so now you have to make decisions about if you are going to be a single parent, or if you are going to give it a go to try to make things work as a family.

Thank you @Gazelda for trying to clarify.

I have to say the 'sponsorship' the 'visa' the 'register' mentions are really confusing*
It is hard to believe you are a 28 year old graduate. Your communication style is incredibly difficult to understand.
If you want advice, you do have to let people know what the situation is.

I agree with all the posters who are saying nothing you have said has suggested that you love, or even like him and want to be in a relationship with him, let alone potentially spend the rest of your life with him.

@Maggiemaggie332

I want to visit my parents every 2/3 weeks in London from Newcastle (by train) and I’m paying for my own train ticket not my partner. But my partner doesn’t agree and if I do he will refuse to rent? What do you think ?

Refuse to rent? What do you mean? What will he do instead?

Normal people won’t say that right?

Most ‘normal’ people don’t have a baby when they live apart. Nothing about your situation sounds normal.

Just read your other posts,

OP he got the job with Visa sponsorship while you were still pregnant and before the baby was born, you've said on other threads he has run away and left you (doesnt seem that way, seems like he accepted a job which will allow him to remain in the UK) and also that he got you pregnant on purpose to get his leave to remain (it doesn't work like that, also it takes 2) Also that he wasn't there when you registered the birth and so therefore he is not named on the baby's birth certificate.

Do you actually want to be in a relationship with this man? Does he want to be in one with you?

I would have hoped that someone who has had a university education would be able to write and explain more clearly what the situation is.

He has moved to Newcastle from London to take a job.
He refused to discuss booking a wedding
You have been together three years and your baby is four months old.
You don’t have a job, so presumably are not on maternity leave and it’s not clear whether you had a job prior to the pregnancy.
Your parents and boyfriend tolerate, but don’t like one another.
If you move to Newcastle to be with him, you want to travel back to London every couple of weeks, which your parents will pay the fare for.
You don’t want to put your child into nursery, so you can get a job.

Are you living with your parents now?
Do you want to be with this person?
Does he want to be with you?

This is a very strange post.

You are basically asking if what you want is norma but there's nothing about your relationship.

You planned a baby with your bf before living together or marriage.

You don't know why he was looking for jobs as far away as Newcastle.

You don't mention love for him anywhere.

You don't mention if he moved for a better standard of living or he's assuming that you not working means you'll follow wherever.

You say that you can afford tickets to London every 2-3 weeks (£100s) but not childcare

You haven't asked what it's like travelling with a little baby. It's going to be hard work for you and him and once he's nursery age then you'll be limited to weekends when he might rather chill at home and go to social events like parties and clubs.

Your partner's words about separating if it doesn't work matches your detached tone. A police report on the situation would probably have more feeling behind it.

I think that your dilemma boils down to which is more important - your parents or your bf? Your post suggests the former

Your partner is not unreasonable to find it annoying if he was financially supporting you but you were spending 100s on train tickets presumably at weekends so he was missing out on baby too.

I’m very on the fence with this.

You are absolutely in your rights to see your parents as much as you want - I don’t like how some people believe you need permission to see your own family once you’re married.

However Newcastle is quite far from London and if you’re going every 2/3 weeks then it would cost a fortune! It would also mean he has less time to spend with his own parents or just with your little family. If he is working all week it’s a lot to travel on a regular basis.

If this is a good job and resolves visa issues then it’s unfair if you stay in London as that means he won’t get to see his child very often.

The only suggestion I have is that you compromise and to begin with travel to see your parents only one weekend a month.
The other weekends your parents can either travel to you or you can see his family.
If this doesn’t work then you can think about either you moving back to London during the week, your parents moving closer, him trying to find a new job, or you separating.
Too be honest there’s not a lot you can do until you try it.

Your other threads don't really show that this is a stable relationship

I've just read you other threads.

This isn't a relationship. If I were you I'd cut my losses and move on. Set up your own life near your family.

Were you using contraception?

@JanisJ - she has said she was trying for the baby.

Having looked at your previous posts I think you should stay with your parents and accept you are not in a stable committed relationship with this man. If your parents can provide childcare then go and get a job and provide for your child. Apply to get maintenance from the father. Let him see the child if he wants to travel down to London. This will provide much more stability for your child.