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Original poster

Family

177 replies

Maggiemaggie332 · 17/08/2021 22:54

I want to visit my parents every 2/3 weeks in London from Newcastle (by train) and I’m paying for my own train ticket not my partner. But my partner doesn’t agree and if I do he will refuse to rent? What do you think ?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 18/08/2021 10:01

@Maggiemaggie332

It was a sponsorship job . Been together 3 years
What was a sponsorship job? His or yours?

What does your partner want to happen?

What do you want to happen?

Are you getting married?

LIZS · 18/08/2021 10:03

For a visa? In those three years how did you picture your future? I can understand him not wanting to commit to a rental if you are not going to be there much of the time. Is the job permanent or contract?

ineedaholidaynow · 18/08/2021 10:03

If you have been together 3 years why weren’t you living together?

Givemebackmylilo · 18/08/2021 10:12

No wonder he moved so far away

Original poster
Maggiemaggie332 · 18/08/2021 10:15

So previously i asked him to register he was like stop pushing me. So this probably gives u an idea

OP posts:
Original poster
Maggiemaggie332 · 18/08/2021 10:15

Yes for a visa

OP posts:
Sirzy · 18/08/2021 10:19

Register for what?

Sprogonthetyne · 18/08/2021 10:20

This should have all been agreed before the move or the baby, and if it was are you the one now having second thoughts?

40k is OK, but not a massive wage to be the sole income, especially if you have more children and stay out of work until they're 2+ as well. With that in mind it will definitely go a lot further in Newcastle then London, which may have been the motivation behind the move? Practically speaking paying hundreds a month on train fare may also be difficult on that income, so I don't think it's unreasonable to say you need to work out what you (as a family) can afford, and may need to compromise.

I think the problem may be that he's seeing it solely from a practical perspective, and forgetting your emotions. While your seeing it solely from an emotional perspective and forgetting the financial constraints.

Original poster
Maggiemaggie332 · 18/08/2021 10:24

Register for marriage

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 18/08/2021 10:25

What visa does he need?

LIZS · 18/08/2021 10:28

@Maggiemaggie332

Register for marriage
Why would he need to do this? Frankly neither of you seem very committed to making a relationship work. Where did he live before moving?
Sirzy · 18/08/2021 10:30

@Maggiemaggie332

Register for marriage
What a strange way to talk about marriage!

Given you don’t even think you want to live with him why on earth would marriage be a good idea

Original poster
Maggiemaggie332 · 18/08/2021 10:32

We was suppose to register for marriage when COVID started

OP posts:
LIZS · 18/08/2021 10:36

@Maggiemaggie332

We was suppose to register for marriage when COVID started
What do you mean though? Confused Weddings have still happened, you could have arranged it as much as him. How old is your baby? If he is so uncommitted why have you spent three years on him?
ineedaholidaynow · 18/08/2021 10:39

Was that before or after you got pregnant?

Gazelda · 18/08/2021 10:43

So he's here on a visa, has taken a well paid job to get his eligibility to stay confirmed. He wants you to move to Newcastle with the baby. Wants you to stay at home to look after the baby.

You've never lived together. You've been in a relationship for 3 years.

You have a young baby. Have always worked. Want to stay at home with baby until 2 years.

Your parents live In London. Have space for you and the baby. Will pay your train fares if you move to Newcastle. Aren't in the best of health.

Is all that correct?

Where did you meet? How long ago did he move to UK? What length of stay were you planning each time you visit your parents?

MoreAloneTime · 18/08/2021 10:44

OP has anyone in your life modelled a healthy adult partnership for you because this is really unhealthy.

It's not wrong in of itself to move for work or to want to stay near family or to do some cross country traveling or to be a stay at home parent. The problem is when these things aren't discussed between you. It's not a case of who is right or wrong here. You don't sound like a team and until you can both communicate and plan ahead it's not going to get better.

Is this job likely to be permanent or temporary?
What will you do when your child is at school?
Would your parents consider moving?
Have you tried the Newcastle/London journey?

BoredatHome321 · 18/08/2021 10:46

Surely you would help him with bills/rent rather than spend a fortune paying for travel back to London 2/3 times a week?

If my OH wanted to spend money on travelling to see their parents for half the week and not help with household stuff I wouldn't be too keen either.

Howshouldibehave · 18/08/2021 10:46

What do you mean ‘register for marriage’-that’s not how it works! Are you an English citizen yourself?

Loads of people have got married in the last 18 months, covid wouldn’t need to stop that if you wanted to.

Have you lived with your parents for the whole time you were with him/pregnant/baby? At 28!!?

Howshouldibehave · 18/08/2021 10:51

If my OH wanted to spend money on travelling to see their parents for half the week and not help with household stuff I wouldn't be too keen either.

I think this is the crux of the matter. If I was your boyfriend, and you expected me to pay for everything and didn’t contribute to the household, except to pay and spend loads of time travelling away from me, I wouldn’t be happy either. You haven’t clarified if you are paying for the travel home (from which money if you’re not working?) or if your parents are paying?

How do your parents get on with your boyfriend? How old is your baby? How/where did you meet your boyfriend?

Original poster
Maggiemaggie332 · 18/08/2021 11:01

They don’t really get on but still take to each other. The baby is 4months old .

OP posts:
BoredatHome321 · 18/08/2021 11:03

would you be helping with the household bills etc or just paying for travel to London and back?

Bizjustgotreal · 18/08/2021 11:04

Move to Newcastle. Get a job. Childcare will be cheaper there than London. Visit your parents less frequently than you would like to. Work with your partner to create a stable home and example for your child.

You are coming across as somewhat naive and immature. Time away from your parents and standing on your own two feet, working with your partner as a team, will be the making of you.

Or - if you can't stand him - leave him.

But from reading this it seems like he's tried to do the right thing by you (difficult to find work in a foreign country where you need to be sponsored for a visa). The things you've reported he's said sound as though they are sparked by frustration that he's working and only gets to see his child once a month. Imagine if you only got to see your child once a month and I think you might be able to understand where he's coming from. You could stand to have some more empathy for him.

Howshouldibehave · 18/08/2021 11:04

@Maggiemaggie332

They don’t really get on but still take to each other. The baby is 4months old .
Why are you only answering about 30% of questions when people are bothering to take the time to reply to you! It’s impossible for anyone to actually help without a good grasp of the facts.
LIZS · 18/08/2021 11:07

So you decided to have a baby in spite of not getting married or him have ILR? By then you had known each less than two years. How much time has he spent with the baby?

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