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Original poster

Family

177 replies

Maggiemaggie332 · 17/08/2021 22:54

I want to visit my parents every 2/3 weeks in London from Newcastle (by train) and I’m paying for my own train ticket not my partner. But my partner doesn’t agree and if I do he will refuse to rent? What do you think ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Maggiemaggie332 · 18/08/2021 00:55

I know babies can go to nursery from young but we can’t afford that’s the problem. And I don’t think it’s fare for babies to be at nursery that young

OP posts:
paddlingon · 18/08/2021 01:24

There is also the time element of this.
How long are you away from home?

I'm not really understanding how you will have the money for all this travel if you aren't working and even working it would be a significant income chunk.

It maybe in everyone's best interests to call time on this relationship.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 18/08/2021 01:45

OP I think the obvious answer here is: don't move. It sounds like you would be miserable

BocolateChiscuits · 18/08/2021 06:50

Think you need to do a budget/financial audit type thing together with your DP.

Look at the current outgoings and incomings, then try to cost how they'll change in different scenarios (you staying in London and DP travelling from Newcastle, you moving to Newcastle and travelling to parents, you working full-time/part-time or being a SAHP).

Look into tax free childcare, and actual nursery/childminder costs in both London and Newcastle. Think longer term than just 2 years, perhaps by keeping a part-time job now you will be able to earn lots more in 5 years than if you'd been a SAHM.

Look into coach travel - usually lots cheaper than train (MegaBus, National Express).

Engage with your DP to try and figure it out as a family. It sounds a little like he's been given all the financial stuff to figure our and you're whining that he won't let you do things, when in fact there's just not the money. So step up and figure it out.

If he doesn't let you engage like this, and instead prefers to keep you in financial control. Red flag for financial abuse. But you might find him willing.

Shoxfordian · 18/08/2021 07:07

It sounds like you’re quite young
Don’t move so far away from your family with a man who doesn’t seem very supportive

ApolloandDaphne · 18/08/2021 07:09

I don't think the partner is being financially abusive. I think he thinks that going to London from Newcastle every 2/3 weeks is expensive and ridiculous. He has obviously moved to take up a a job and provide for his family. OP sounds like she doesn't really want to make the move and wants to stay in London with her parents. It is this fundamental issue that needs to be sorted out first.

Sirzy · 18/08/2021 07:13

If your not going to be working how would you afford to pay for the trips?

HollowTalk · 18/08/2021 07:20

Stay where you are and let him visit you. Once a month is ridiculous anyway if he's coming to see you and the baby. Just out of interest, how old are your parents?

Original poster
Maggiemaggie332 · 18/08/2021 07:28

They are in their middle 60 but there health is not that great

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 18/08/2021 07:30

Did you live together before he moved for his job? Aren’t there jobs closer he can do?

Original poster
Maggiemaggie332 · 18/08/2021 07:32

We never lived together before. He doesn’t want to find a closer job not sure why

OP posts:
Sirzy · 18/08/2021 07:32

So the first question is do you want to be in a relationship with him?

ineedaholidaynow · 18/08/2021 07:34

How old are you?

Original poster
Maggiemaggie332 · 18/08/2021 07:36

Yes, but geographically it would be hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Maggiemaggie332 · 18/08/2021 07:36

28

OP posts:
MoreAloneTime · 18/08/2021 07:38

It doesn't sound like this is the right time for you to move in together. I'd stay where you are for now

Sirzy · 18/08/2021 07:39

@Maggiemaggie332

Yes, but geographically it would be hard
So you need to decide which is more important then.

Surely you can move and you can visit every 6 weeks with your parents visiting in between?

If you want to build a family then you need to consider your partners feelings too and if he is going to be the only earner then I can see why he wouldn’t be keen on such regular trips let alone the fact that would mean he gets to spend less time with you.

Original poster
Maggiemaggie332 · 18/08/2021 07:39

Do you think it would be my fault if he looks for somebody else ?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 18/08/2021 07:42

So, your in a relationship you dont live together you get pregnant have a baby he moves away for a job wants YOU to move away for no job no friends and doesn't want you to visit your family who are not in the best of health he won't compromise on a closer job and your expected to just give up everything?

I'm thinking stay where you are sort some childcare (even if its your parents) return to work keep your independence

Theunamedcat · 18/08/2021 07:43

@Maggiemaggie332

Do you think it would be my fault if he looks for somebody else ?
No thats on him
ineedaholidaynow · 18/08/2021 07:44

Did you plan the baby? How long had you been together? Would your parents be happy for you to live with them long term, especially if you are not working and contributing to the bills, and then have your partner visit regularly?
What would your plans have been if your partner had not moved to Newcastle?

JulesCobb · 18/08/2021 07:46

I don’t think he should be pissed of I told him from the beginning before getting pregnant.
You planned to get pregnant? And planned to see your parents every three weeks when you moved before getting pregnant?

Do you think it would be my fault if he looks for somebody else?
Has he cheated on you? Is he telling you about women near him?

You dont want to move to newcastle. He doesnt want to move to london again. He has said he wont live with you if you plan to spend so much on trains and go home every three weeks. You dont want to leave your parents too long. This isnt going to work.

How were you planning on paying for the tickets? If you dont work, that’s money that’s probably needed to pay for bills, food, the baby.

AtlasPine · 18/08/2021 07:47

Is it the money or the fact that you want to spend time with your parents without him?

If it’s that he doesn’t want you to see your parents when you want to - don’t move.

If it’s the money - Would he have to fund everything else? How much is it? Where will the fare money come from? It doesn’t sound unreasonable to me if you can afford it. I visit my parents who aren’t well weekly, 2 hours away by train. My dh supports me totally. We can afford it though.

MoreAloneTime · 18/08/2021 07:48

@Maggiemaggie332

Do you think it would be my fault if he looks for somebody else ?
This doesn't sound like the sort of relationship you want to uproot yourself for at all.
twinningatlife · 18/08/2021 07:50

Sorry but you sound very immature - you planned to have a child before you were in a stable - living together - relationship- the child takes priority. It needs a stable home ie unless he's abusive that's with it's mum and dad living together unfortunately if you also don't want to work for 2 years then you'll need to make sacrifices like everyone else does and that includes less travel