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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 23/08/2021 10:53

I didn't think he was going to spending the weekend going through his belongings and packing up, somehow.

You are right to keep on doing what you are doing because it seems like if it were up to him, nothing would be happening.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 23/08/2021 10:55

Her advice was that until we are divorced he has a legal right to remain in the house. I can see that this is useful in cases where the house is in the sole name of one spouse and there is a SAHP and she (or he) is being asked to leave the marital home.

However in this case he has a good job and plenty of money to move out. So whilst I can't force him to leave, ie change the locks, I wish he would do the right thing and go. If the marriage is over, why would he want to protract things?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 23/08/2021 10:55

Just thought of something you could do. You could ask him for the contact details of his solicitor as you will be wanting yours to touch base with his to discuss any legal issues with the divorce in due time.

Then you will know if he's spoken with or engaged a solicitor at all.

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16 year olds Families
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 23/08/2021 10:58

Yes, that's a good idea. He will probably say he is not giving me the details and to wait for the papers to arrive but if he really has seen a solicitor then what is the problem with telling me who he is using? It's not like I would be able to use the same firm.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2021 11:02

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

Yes, that's a good idea. He will probably say he is not giving me the details and to wait for the papers to arrive but if he really has seen a solicitor then what is the problem with telling me who he is using? It's not like I would be able to use the same firm.
Ah well that's a good point in its own right - you shouldn't use the same firm so you'd need to know whom he was using so you didn't use the same ones (unless he knows your friend and who she works with/for)
LookItsMeAgain · 23/08/2021 11:03

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

Yes, that's a good idea. He will probably say he is not giving me the details and to wait for the papers to arrive but if he really has seen a solicitor then what is the problem with telling me who he is using? It's not like I would be able to use the same firm.
Exactly - to avoid a possible conflict of interest in the firm of solicitors, you want to know who he has engaged so that you can be sure you're not using the same firm/same solicitor and can he please provide this information to you.
Meruem · 23/08/2021 11:15

He wants to string it out thinking it will give you time to change your mind. My ex did the same and I finally had to be really forceful and give him a 2 week deadline (after he’d hung around for weeks on end!). Luckily we weren’t married so he didn’t have a leg to stand on. But that’s why they do it. They think you won’t follow through. My ex also started trying to be really nice in those last few weeks. But it was too little too late.

Howshouldibehave · 23/08/2021 11:17

Her advice was that until we are divorced he has a legal right to remain in the house

That’s a potentially long time for him to be sleeping on the sofa!! Is it your sofa?

longtompot · 23/08/2021 11:28

Does he know about your solicitor friend? If not, you could ask him who he is using just so you don't end up with the same one.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 23/08/2021 11:31

Yes he knows my solicitor friend, although she is not keen on him.

Yes it is my sofa, that I paid for.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/08/2021 11:48

Tell him he can't sleep on the sofa anymore as it's yours so he needs to get an air bed 😂

TBH I would be tempted to fit a Yale lock on both bedroom doors as I wouldn't trust him.

beastlyslumber · 23/08/2021 11:52

I would give him a deadline to move out. The marriage has broken down, you've started divorce proceedings, he's been in touch with a solicitor (ahem!) and so it seems unreasonable of him to expect to stay on in the house, sleeping on the sofa. Tell him he's got two weeks to get himself sorted and go. He might not know he has a legal right to stay and even if he does, it might bring home the reality to him that it's pointless trying to change your mind.

SpringCrocus · 23/08/2021 14:06

Also, be careful HE doesn't go to the solicitor firm your friend works for, and "bag" them first!
You need to do that, asap

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 23/08/2021 14:32

He doesn't know which firm she works for thankfully. It's mainly a corporate firm that deals with a few matrimonial cases. My friend said they normally only handle divorces for existing clients but she can have a word and get me some advice if needed.

OP posts:
Belindabelle · 23/08/2021 14:50

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

Good luck with it all.

I recently bought a lovely bed from the Cotswold Company. Ordered on the Sunday paid extra for quick delivery, it arrived 2 days later. Teamed it with the IKEA Hovag mattress. Bliss.

ilovebrie8 · 23/08/2021 16:18

I just got a Simba mattress I ordered it on Thursday it arrived today...they get great reviews! and super speedy delivery

ilovebrie8 · 23/08/2021 16:51

if you are still looking for a new mattress !hope it all goes well

GrandmasCat · 24/08/2021 12:28

Also, be careful HE doesn't go to the solicitor firm your friend works for, and "bag" them first! You need to do that, asap

I second that big time, you need to have your 30 minutes free appointment with her as soon as possible as, if your ex goes through the door of her firm and gets an appointment with another solicitor in it, your friend won’t be able to give you ANY basic advice without risking her being able to practice big time.

I needed to move solicitors after my ex made an appointment with him after the idiot secretary didn’t check properly and booked him in. My solicitor said that as soon as he heard my ex explain the situation he closed the meeting saying he couldn’t help because he was already involved in that case. Then he called me to let me know he could no longer represent me due to that incident. A shame really because he was great.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 27/08/2021 12:20

Just a quick update in case anyone wants to know.

He is moving out on the 13th September. He has found a rented property via an estate agents in our home town and I know the lady who runs their lettings department. She wanted me to provide a copy of my tenancy agreement and to confirm that he was living in my house with me, so that they could dispense with the usual request for a landlord reference. Obviously she didn't tell me anything else and to be honest I don't care where he goes at this point.

I am sure I will feel something when he has actually moved out but at the moment I don't feel anything at all other than relief.

OP posts:
StartupRepair · 27/08/2021 12:24

Well done. That is good news.just get through the next 2 weeks.

RandomMess · 27/08/2021 12:27

That is such good news!

Kiduknot · 27/08/2021 12:32

Good to hear. I’m glad it’s not too traumatic fir you.

beastlyslumber · 27/08/2021 12:32

That's brilliant. Two weeks to go! Hang in there, OP Flowers

Eddielzzard · 27/08/2021 13:02

OMG what a relief he's actually going to be gone. I know you can only really relax when he's left, but at least there's progress. Well done Flowers

evianlion · 27/08/2021 13:15

That is good news. You're right - just focus on the present and you can deal with how you feel afterwards when it arrives. You will get through it.

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