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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 19/08/2021 23:07

It's really great to hear that you are so over it!! Grin

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 19/08/2021 23:12

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

He’s definitely going to up the ante. The good news for me is that I’m not interested what he does. It’s weird actually. I’ve spent so long being afraid of him leaving me. On paper he’s got a good job and he’s very good looking so I’ve no doubt he will find it easy to find someone else. But it’s all surface stuff and underneath he’s cruel and uncaring.

But whatever I was scared of has gone. I don’t love him and I don’t hate him. There’s no anger or sadness. I feel liberated. And I know we (me and DS) will be ok. And that’s all that matters.

You’re awesome! It’s amazing when those scales fall from your eyes and you see exactly what you’ve been putting up with.

But once that switch has flicked there’s no going back. I totally understand.

Best wishes for yourself and DS Flowers

MrsDoctorDear · 19/08/2021 23:53

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

He’s definitely going to up the ante. The good news for me is that I’m not interested what he does. It’s weird actually. I’ve spent so long being afraid of him leaving me. On paper he’s got a good job and he’s very good looking so I’ve no doubt he will find it easy to find someone else. But it’s all surface stuff and underneath he’s cruel and uncaring.

But whatever I was scared of has gone. I don’t love him and I don’t hate him. There’s no anger or sadness. I feel liberated. And I know we (me and DS) will be ok. And that’s all that matters.

Indifferent is the best way to be. Just get over this hurdle and you'll have your freedom and independence back. It really is priceless.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
SunshineCake · 20/08/2021 06:26

Please be careful. I suspect while you might be safe from a physical point of view if he's alone in the house for most of the weekend he might take the opportunity to wreck everything.

GrandmasCat · 20/08/2021 08:23

Careful there op, some bullies do as they are told when you show them your strength, some others try to kick you down into submission when you do, and they normally take it on what you care the most about.

Be cocky, but once he is gone and you AND your child are safe. You may know already that the man you are married to is not the same man you are divorcing.

Weenurse · 20/08/2021 08:25

Hide or remove your treasures and sentimental stuff just in case.

AuntLydiasNewHairdo · 20/08/2021 08:38

I dont think I'd be leaving him alone in the house for any length of time now.

travailtotravel · 20/08/2021 09:07

I am in awe and admiration. Before you go off for the weekend and leave him to it, please remove key paperwork and information from the house and take it with you. Losing some of that would be a right ball ache. Even if you take pictures of it so you have a record, but for lots of things you'll need the physical paperwork.

BlackAlys · 20/08/2021 09:10

Agreed. Take important documents with you and important items.

He may wipe your hard drive, break something sentimental in a really subtle way that can passed off as an 'oops'.

Would he have the audacity to lock you out?

VorpalSword · 20/08/2021 09:23

I would take photos of the house before you left and involve the police if there is any damage.

RandomMess · 20/08/2021 09:24

If he damages the flat or takes possessions go after his pensions Wink

theemmadilemma · 20/08/2021 09:34

I'm much like you OP, I have that line and when it is (eventually) reached, I'm out and it's indifference.

I hope he fucks off quickly. And keep talking to your son and reassuring him that this was long overdue, that him coming home just gave you added strength to make the separation.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 20/08/2021 10:07

On paper he’s got a good job and he’s very good looking so I’ve no doubt he will find it easy to find someone else. But it’s all surface stuff and underneath he’s cruel and uncaring..
But he also snores like a warthog and farts like a camel.

legosunqueen · 20/08/2021 10:44

Well done OP, DS must come first. But once he's left, do reconsider the finances, you will be entitled to part of his pension & savings, don't not pursue this for fear of rocking the boat. Rooting for you...Thanks

noideawhatusernametochoose · 20/08/2021 10:54

@BlackAlys

Agreed. Take important documents with you and important items.

He may wipe your hard drive, break something sentimental in a really subtle way that can passed off as an 'oops'.

Would he have the audacity to lock you out?

Agree with this - I'd make sure anything like that is kept secure. Can you leave papers etc with a trusted friend? I also definitely wouldn't leave any devices at home while you aren't there.
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 20/08/2021 11:09

ThePluckOfTheCoward - Ha! He certainly does! But prospective future victims will not be aware of this fact when he starts trying to find someone.

I have already removed some bits from the house that I want to protect and these are in my office at work.

The thing is that he could damage anything that is currently in the house. I have my phone and iPad with me at all times so he can't do anything with those. I have a box filled with things from when DS a baby (newspaper from the day he was born, first babygrow, a lock of his hair etc) and this is now at work.

We don't have any joint finances so he can't do anything with my bank accounts. All of my statements are online. So what he can damage is furniture (replaceable) and my personal stuff, such as my clothes (replaceable).

I learned my lesson with this when I left DS's dad. He was a high earner and we lived in a lovely house and I had a new car every year. It still felt like a prison camp. I really don't care about "stuff" as this can be replaced. So he can do whatever he likes on that front. If he purposefully damages anything I will report him to the police. I have photos of how the house is now.

OP posts:
pointythings · 20/08/2021 11:23

You are just rocking this. It is sad that it has come to this, but not wavering really helps. I'm another one of those who just detaches once the line has been crossed.

Newestname001 · 20/08/2021 11:42

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

We don't have any joint finances so he can't do anything with my bank accounts. All of my statements are online

Do you have two factor authentication on your accounts, OP. That might add tighter security to ensure he can't mess with your finances in any way? 🌹

SofaSpuds · 20/08/2021 12:44

You sound so strong @StPaulandTheBrokenBones! I know your ambivalent towards him right now, but you're probably in flight or fight mode (your fighting being to protect everything important and not react to him). Don't be surprised if, once it's all over, you get a torrent of emotions- that's normal.
Best of luck for the future, to both you and your DS.

MrsPerfect12 · 20/08/2021 13:48

I hope everything is calm and smooth as it can be. You've got this 💪🏻

Darbs76 · 20/08/2021 14:05

End your marriage. He’s got no right to make you choose, he should know he will lose

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 20/08/2021 17:30

@Darbs76 have you read any of the thread??

Darbs76 · 20/08/2021 22:08

[quote HestersSamplerofCarrots]**@Darbs76* have you read any* of the thread??[/quote]
Yes I’ve read the thread. My advise is to end the marriage. Is that ok for you?

secular39 · 20/08/2021 22:15

I just don't understand woman like these.

He is your son! What's wrong with you? This should not be even a debate? Children who are kicked out of their home (I forgot what age) are statistically more likely to end up in crime/prison.

Men come and go, your children are forever. Unless your son was abusive then I understand. But he just wants to come home.

Whataroyalannoyance · 20/08/2021 22:23

@secular39

I just don't understand woman like these.

He is your son! What's wrong with you? This should not be even a debate? Children who are kicked out of their home (I forgot what age) are statistically more likely to end up in crime/prison.

Men come and go, your children are forever. Unless your son was abusive then I understand. But he just wants to come home.

And I don't understand people who don't read the full thread, but such is life....