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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
Boonlark · 22/08/2021 10:22

Yes, the online divorce process is lovely and quick...

Eclairesarethebest · 22/08/2021 10:25

Your son will need you for life, espically with autism. Your doing the right thing OP! Smile I'd throw a big divorce party when it comes through, he sounds like a complete arse!

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 22/08/2021 10:30

I’ve decided I’m going to use the Government website to start the divorce proceedings off. I can’t just sit back and wait for him to deal with things, as I suspect he’s not actually doing anything about leaving. Viewing houses is one thing, applying for a property and moving out is quite another.

He’s not speaking to me this morning. He’s being hoovering and ironing. Why would you want to vacuum a house you’re leaving?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
Hekatestorch · 22/08/2021 10:46

He isn't going anywhere op.

He either thinks you will back down or not initiate divorce proceedings. So you will continue as you are.

And he probably realises He can make your life fat harder by staying.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/08/2021 10:49

"He’s being hoovering and ironing. Why would you want to vacuum a house you’re leaving?"

To show you what you'll be missing, of course!
It's performance cleaning "look how good a man I am, I do cleaning and ironing and you want to divorce me, look what you'll be losing!"

Of course he's ruining the effect by failing to talk to you as well. Grin

Good luck with the online divorce stuff - hopefully that will get the process going. You do still probably need to talk to a solicitor, especially if he does dig his heels in, but at least this shows you're serious.

SpindleWhorl · 22/08/2021 10:53

Just a word of caution about the online divorce system. Many of them end up with a decree absolute, but without a final financial settlement, which can come back and bite you in the bum later down the line.

You may not want much from him - but he can come after you (or threaten to) if you come into money or assets, unless he remarries.

So please tie down the finances, so he can't argue he's got expectations further down the line.

pointythings · 22/08/2021 10:57

We did our divorce online. It never got to the financial settlement because he died just before the nisi was pronounced, so officially I'm a widow, but we had a settlement agreed and no indication that it wouldn't be signed off, so it can be done. But yes, do make sure you get a final financial settlement in place. It helps that you don't have children together.

ClaryFairchild · 22/08/2021 11:03

Irreconcilable differences is American I think? Twat has googled some things without checking which country it was for. It's for no fault divorces.

weleasewoderick23 · 22/08/2021 11:16

No advice to give that hasn't been given already, but your son sounds awesome!

You do too and I'm sure you're very proud of him. Good luck Thanks

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 22/08/2021 11:19

I did tell him that irreconcilable differences is not a ground for divorce. He’s been out to the supermarket and is now lying on his bed upstairs. One of my good friends is a partner in a firm of solicitors and she’s also just got divorced so I’m going to her house in a couple of hours to talk it over and decide the best way forward.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/08/2021 11:42

Think I'd mentioned that as you are married the longer you co-habit for the larger your claim on his pension...

As he hasn't sort legal advice yet hopefully that will spur him into action as there is some truth in it! It's a marital asset whether he likes it or not.

SamiReed1 · 22/08/2021 12:11

www.slatergordon.co.uk/family-law/divorce/irreconcilable-differences/

'irretrievable breakdown' is basically the exact same thing. Just worded differently.

Jemand · 22/08/2021 13:06

@SamiReed1

www.slatergordon.co.uk/family-law/divorce/irreconcilable-differences/

'irretrievable breakdown' is basically the exact same thing. Just worded differently.

It isn't really - you still have to prove one of the five main grounds, i.e. adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, two years' separation with consent, five years' separation without consent. Presumably the only one of these that OP's husband could go for is behaviour, but he'd struggle to prove that wanting to have her son live with her fits that description.
FeatheredHope · 22/08/2021 13:39

'irretrievable breakdown' is basically the exact same thing. Just worded differently.

It really isn’t. The American usage of the phrase “irreconcilable differences” is reason enough to divorce. In The English courts at present, that isn’t a reason - it specifically has to be listed as one of the 5 I listed earlier and that that article goes on to explain.

FeatheredHope · 22/08/2021 13:47

PS in case this is of use or interest to anyone, as I said there are changes coming to divorce options in England including a “no fault” option which will be our equivalent of the “irreconcilable differences” that the USA has. Sadly, despite being a much needed improvement (the process at the moment is arguably far more contentious that it needs to be due to one of the parties needing to accept fault) this has just been pushed back to 2022.

www.nelsonslaw.co.uk/no-fault-divorce-laws/

cookingisoverrated · 22/08/2021 17:43

He's been watching too many American lawyer series. Grin

Let him sulk; he's clearly trying to figure out why you aren't backing down. Stand firm and see your friend and get some legal advice.

MeridianB · 22/08/2021 17:45

Op is your DS ow sleeping on the sofa if bum-face is on ‘his’ bed?

user16395699 · 22/08/2021 18:36

How sure are you that he has even looked at rental properties?

He sounds like the usual abuser who is accustomed to using the threat of leaving to bring you back in line rather than someone with any intention of going anywhere at all.

Sensible of you to initiate proceedings yourself.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 23/08/2021 09:03

MeridianB - DS spent the weekend at his girlfriend's house. He came home yesterday so bumface was back on the sofa.

He's said he's aiming to have moved out by the 5th September. I don't really believe this to be honest.

I went to see my friend yesterday and she also thinks I should apply for divorce online and then ask a solicitor (she said one of her colleagues could deal with this if necessary) to finalise any financial things, ie draft a consent order.

OP posts:
FeatheredHope · 23/08/2021 09:18

Am really glad your friend has given you that advice. No time like the present to get it started :)

noideawhatusernametochoose · 23/08/2021 09:51

@SpindleWhorl

Just a word of caution about the online divorce system. Many of them end up with a decree absolute, but without a final financial settlement, which can come back and bite you in the bum later down the line.

You may not want much from him - but he can come after you (or threaten to) if you come into money or assets, unless he remarries.

So please tie down the finances, so he can't argue he's got expectations further down the line.

I don't think it matters whether you do it online or via a Solicitor. I did mine online, but I won't be applying for an Absolute until we've got a Consent Order. (Which is going to be a while as he's stalled the process throughout).

I also doubt he will be out on the 5th, I think he's waiting for you to back down. (he's got a long wait!). Enjoy your coffee with your solicitor friend @StPaulandTheBrokenBones Grin

Boonlark · 23/08/2021 10:25

I did mine online and sorted the financials afterwards, as he was trying to use that to delay the absolute. It is a risk to get the absolute before the consent order, but as we weren't going to share pensions, that wasn't an issue for us.

RandomMess · 23/08/2021 10:36

Please do not be afraid/feel guilty to use going after a share in his pensions as leverage against him.

To get him to move out and pay joint costs if he arses about.

You may think it's not moral or ethical but he doesn't know that you are not bothered about claiming a share. As he's tight that will be the only thing to motivate him I think!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2021 10:43

Oh that's handy to have a friend in a solicitors' firm!
Excellent.
What did she think about the housing situation? If you need to force him out, you need to be sure that you can force him out, so it would be well worth talking to whichever partner she suggested to get proper legal back up for that.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 23/08/2021 10:50

He has said to me that I just want him to "magic" himself out of the house. No, I don't want that at all. What I want is for him to put some effort in to finding a new home for him and the cat and to move out. This marriage is over. All I want is a peaceful home for me and DS.

This weekend I was out of the house on Friday evening, Saturday from 2pm - 11.30pm and I went out yesterday to see my solicitor friend for a few hours. DS was also out all weekend.

So he has had the house to himself for most of the weekend. He was out on Saturday morning, apparently seeing properties and a solicitor (I really don't think he saw a solicitor as they are all closed over the weekend in our town) and then he was in the house for the remainder of Saturday and all day on Sunday.

I have started the divorce online because based on what he does, rather than what he says he is doing, he will still be sitting there in 6 months time if I don't start the process now.

OP posts: