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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 20/08/2021 22:30

@secular39

I just don't understand woman like these.

He is your son! What's wrong with you? This should not be even a debate? Children who are kicked out of their home (I forgot what age) are statistically more likely to end up in crime/prison.

Men come and go, your children are forever. Unless your son was abusive then I understand. But he just wants to come home.

The OP didn’t ask for a debate. She actually asked how to avoid her son feeling unwanted and that it was his fault. No need for your lack of understanding and righteousness. The OP has and always has had her priorities right.
Haybo26 · 20/08/2021 22:35

Have you even read the full thread Peridot? Perhaps you should as you dont appear to be very well informed with that post. Geees...some people 🙄

NoMoreCookies · 20/08/2021 22:57

@secular39

I just don't understand woman like these.

He is your son! What's wrong with you? This should not be even a debate? Children who are kicked out of their home (I forgot what age) are statistically more likely to end up in crime/prison.

Men come and go, your children are forever. Unless your son was abusive then I understand. But he just wants to come home.

Face palm 🤦‍♀️

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
Haybo26 · 20/08/2021 23:12

@Haybo26

Have you even read the full thread Peridot? Perhaps you should as you dont appear to be very well informed with that post. Geees...some people 🙄
Sorry, I mean Secular!!
AnotherEmma · 20/08/2021 23:31

Your posts are refreshing to read, good for you.
I hope that your STBXH moves out voluntarily very soon. If he doesn't, I suggest you consider an occupation order. Rights of women has useful information on their website and free family law helpline so do contact them if you need to.
And once he's gone, perhaps you could consider doing the freedom programme (online or in person).
All the best to you and your son who sounds lovely btw!

HalzTangz · 21/08/2021 00:12

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

No he’s not violent. The atmosphere is horrible though. Apparently he’s not going to a hotel tonight but he’s going out tomorrow and “may or may not” come back. I feel sick but I’m trying to be happy and chatty with DS. However DS is not stupid and he must have realised what’s going on
If I was you, I'd go tell DS that your marriage is ending, has been over for some time in reality, but things completely unrelated to your son (to make him feel at ease) has brought things to a head, so explain the atmosphere is because of that and he musnt stress or worry and things will work out fine. Then tell your husband when he leaves tomorrow he won't be coming back (don't stand for the I might or might not return nonsense), he can stay at a hotel, friend or family members until he finds a house or flat. Also arrange for locks to be changed to
HalzTangz · 21/08/2021 00:45

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I've got savings because I always have a "running away" fund. So I can replace whatever he takes from the house. It will just be case of finding companies that can deliver reasonably quickly because once he takes his bed I will have nowhere to sleep, as DS will be in the other one.
Visit IKEA, you will be able to buy and take away a bed on the same dy
ClaryFairchild · 21/08/2021 01:40

You're amazing. He's a twat. Your son sounds delightful.

Hope your "ex" leaves soon and you get your space back.

longwayoff · 21/08/2021 07:54

Children first. Exchange the husband for something better. You deserve better.

NoMoreCookies · 21/08/2021 07:58

@longwayoff

another poster who hasn't read the text. You lot are so unhelpful.

freckles20 · 21/08/2021 08:18

I have RTWT OP. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. It sounds tough but you're doing all the right stuff and I honestly think that once he's gone you will enjoy being without him- he's not a nice man and he doesn't deserve you or your DS in his life.

I hope he isn't bluffing about moving out. I have seen people do this before because they hope that it will create a horrified reaction and that you will back down and beg them to stay. I know you won't back down as you are steadfast in knowing you want him to go, I just hope he means it. It might be worth keeping in back of your mind that he may not go as easily as you hope, and making a plan accordingly. Would your friend come round on 'moving day' maybe?

Wishing you and your lovely DS every happiness once the nasty waste of space has gone ThanksWine.

BlackAlys · 21/08/2021 13:14

How are things now @StPaulandTheBrokenBones ?

Anycrispsleft · 21/08/2021 16:19

Bumping so I can follow. I hope all is going OK with you OP.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 22/08/2021 08:52

Morning everyone. Thanks for all of your messages.

I went out on Friday with my friend and her DP and then yesterday I went out again into our local city for dinner and drinks. So the only time I saw H was for about an hour yesterday before I went out.

He said he’s been to see some rental properties and also a solicitor yesterday morning. Which is odd because the small town we live in (he said he had seen a solicitor in our town) doesn’t have any solicitors that open on a Saturday. Weird but whatever.

He also said he was divorcing me on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. I’ve been divorced before and as far as I am aware this is not a grounds for divorce.

I just said I’m not bothered about the details of what’ he’s up to, I just want to know when he is leaving so I can sort out a new broadband contract. He said I was being very cold about things but I don’t want him thinking there is any chance of me changing my mind.

DS is at his girlfriend’s today and he seems ok, bless him.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 22/08/2021 08:56

Great update, OP. You’re doing brilliantly.

I suspect he’s done very little and is still hoping you’ll crumble. Is he still on the sofa?

Be strong. Hopefully it won’t be much longer. 🌷

Boonlark · 22/08/2021 09:04

I suspect the solicitor he's seen, is just reading some stuff on the internet Hmm

He may be doing that thing where they tell you that, so that you change your mind as it's now got all serious. Or because he's going to tell you how little you'll get, as his solicitor told him that.

You reacted brilliantly Grin

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 22/08/2021 09:24

I don’t think he’s seen a solicitor at all. It all seems a bit contrived to me.

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 22/08/2021 09:27

Unfortunately, I don't think he has seen a solicitor or looked at rentals.

He will keep spinning this out.

How long since he first said he was going to a hotel?

pointythings · 22/08/2021 09:41

I agree, he's lying. No UK solicitor would mention irreconcileable differences - that's a US thing. It's going to be up to you to get the ball rolling and unfortunately the new no fault divorce laws don't come into force until April next year.

SortingItOut · 22/08/2021 09:45

I think he's getting his advice from the men's sub forums on reddit which is mainly American and full of shit.

Hopefully the bit about rental properties is true though 🤞

Boonlark · 22/08/2021 09:55

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I don’t think he’s seen a solicitor at all. It all seems a bit contrived to me.
Sorry, I wasn't clear. Yes, there's no solicitor, he just been browsing the internet
BluebellsGreenbells · 22/08/2021 09:57

Yep I agree. He wants you to panic and apologize and suddenly realtor what you’re missing. He didn’t get that reaction.

Keep going.

Hekatestorch · 22/08/2021 10:12

I remember exh saying that that he had seen a solicitor and the solicitor advised he could 'take me for all I was worth'. I told him to do it.

We had a house. I earned 25k. He had this theory that because he was self employed he could make it look like he earned very little and I would have to pay spousal support AND child support. All from my 25k. When I was having the kids more.

He then sat me down to show me how I could afford bad houses in bad areas and 'I just want to make sure you are realistic about what you are giving up'. Twat!

He was emotionally abusive. Then just before it was all sorted he threatened to hold it up because he wanted to include my adultery. Except I wasn't seeing anyone, he just believed I was. But he had moved out of the family home and in with a new woman and her kids. Again, he claimed his solicitor said he would 'take me to the cleaners' when he proved I was seeing someone.

He was following me all over trying to prove I was seeing someone. Again, I told him to do it and I was looking g forward to sharing all the photos I had of him, following me from my job, sat outside the house at 11pm etc. Especially, with his girlfriend.

He actually only packed it in when I started seeing dp. Dp spotted him and went to approach him he drove off and never mentioned it again.

They try all sorts. To try and scare and intimate .

FeatheredHope · 22/08/2021 10:15

Yeah he’s completely lying. There’s no such thing as irreconcilable differences in an English divorce (although there are moves towards it being brought in as an option).
There are still only

Adultery, Unreasonable behaviour, Desertion or living separate lives.

OP I strongly urge you to nip this shit in the bud and file for divorce ASAP. If you are the one filing you hold far more power over the timeline, and as he’s proved, he’s a liar and a twat anyway.

HalzTangz · 22/08/2021 10:19

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I don’t think he’s seen a solicitor at all. It all seems a bit contrived to me.
I would have responded that's good, I've already started divorce proceedings, then jump online and do one of those online divorces.