What would it take for you to never visit your adult DC again?

[Wookydook]

What would your adult DC have to do / change in their life for you to never visit their home again? Assuming you had been going to their house perhaps once a month/every 2 months. Discounting the pandemic and hypothetical transport issues - what would be a "deal breaker"?

Have you asked them why they can go to Aunty Marge’s and Jim Down The Road who have cat/dog/budgies but not you? What do they say?

@ancientgran

I am resisting visiting the home of one of my sons. He bought it 2 years ago. His 2nd wife won't have his children from first marriage in the house, she doesn't actually say that just lots of excuses and reasons why it can't happen. My position is I'm not going until the kids can go.

It is very hard, I love my son but am committed to supporting GC.

This is on your son tbh.

He’s not pushing for it, he’s not wanting them to come either by the looks of it.

Does the dc mum make every effort to ruin every second her dc spend with their dad? We’ve had that and it’s excruciating to watch.

(Now thinking about getting the animal my mother hates in the hope she won't visit on account of her making comments about the mess).

It won't work in my case!

Tbf my sister got 2 cats. I am chronically allergic to cats. I havent been to her house since. Cos I'm now allergic to her house

How do you feel about this though @Wookydook

Are you mostly bemused because it seems that way, best is not to rise to it I think and when they moan they haven’t seen you, just remind them you’ve not moved and shrug

I won’t visits the homes of people who smoke inside, even if they don’t smoke while we are there.

I have got a very good friend, really good, who dislikes dogs. She won't come to my house so i go to hers or we meet outside. Her son is my godson. She totally understands my attitude (my dog is old and wonky and can't be left alone) and I understand hers.

Well I really don't like dogs so I'd probably try to visit them outside their home if they got one. But then they'd know it would make me upset so I think we could come to a mutual agreement of that happening if they ever did decide to get one.

I have to admit my heart sank when DD said she was getting two kittens as I am allergic to cats. We have been to visit but it took a regime of antihistamines/inhalers, no cats in the room I was sleeping in and I didn't touch them for the duration of my visit. It was fairly stressful but I coped.

I've lost track now of who said what.
The pet's name is never mentioned. I will eventually ask why it's ok to visit Aunty Marge and her cat and Uncle Bill and his yappy dog but not me.

I am cutting my parents some slack but when they invent a new aversion to the sole animal I have without even trying once to meet it, it's hard to be patient. I have also not discussed this since my parents made the ultimatum so I'm not on their back about it.

I am feeling bemused, yes. I think if I wasn't I'd be very hurt so better to put it down to a quirk rather than something more sinister.

There is no back story that I'm aware of. This is possibly a power play but I don't know why. I'm an adult with my own life and family visit when it suits both parties and vice versa. If someone had said before we got the pet that it would be a deal breaker I would probably have laughed. Because every other house with pets is not a problem.

I have visited my parents since this situation arose but once school and routine start up again the ball will be in their court.

I hate going to houses of dog owners because too many of them say they will keep the dog from you and yet don’t. They conveniently forget to put them in the other room or do nothing when someone else opens the door and lets it in.
It’s not like they are refusing to see you just saying they won’t see you at your house which is fair enough if it makes them more comfortable.

Is a bull terrier breed?
I used to have one and was shocked at how many people thought she was a Pitt ball and that they are dangerous, my parents said “your going to have that thing near your children?”. She was a lovely dog and was great with my kids, my parents eventually fell in love with her and ended up getting one themselves.

We have a snake, and phobic mil only refused to cross the threshold for about six months, then it was "it needs to visit someone when I visit", then "i won't go in that room", then cover the viv, now we're as far as her looking in the viv. Think that's as far as we're getting

Personally, I wouldn't visit my own DCs only for crime-related reasons.

Op, you did tell them you are hurt and ask specifically for an explanation didn't you? ie 'why mum when you go and see Aunty Di with her yappy dog will you not come to see me (and the DC?) with our yappy dog? I'm quite hurt by that, and I'm surprised you didn't see that coming.'

It sounds to me that you are used, in some sense, to unfairness towards you being brushed off and/or your feelings being discounted...?

We live far enough away that for us to visit involves an overnight stay. Parents would be used to dropping in on the way past (they work out direction about once a month) and carrying on to where we are going. I feel the distance is enough that it's not fair for us always to travel. But I take your point about them deciding what makes them comfortable.

It's not a bull terrier, or a pit bull!
Very gentle pet. Everyone else who meets him says so (and they could just say nothing)

I'd stop going to any house that had a dog. Parents in law keep talking about getting a dog which is a shame.

My adult DD is not a pet fan (although my adult DS is!) so when my DH and I retired and were considering a rescue dog, I asked them both if it would stop them visiting before we went ahead.

They both said No, although my DD asked us not to bring DDog when we visit them (unless we are going to the park or other outdoor event) and this has worked well for us for the past 5 years. My DG (DDs children) love our dog and are always excited to come and visit! Hope you can work this out with your parents

I have a skunk and my mum still visits me. It must be down to something extreme to say a complete no visits based on nothing. Very strange.

They gave you an ultimatum about your pet?

If it had been a free-roaming tarantula I could sympathise...

Prior to getting a pet, it came up in a vague conversation with my parent. I was 'told' I must not get a pet. Our house wasn't suitable (standard 4 bed semi), it would tie us down and I was NOT to get it. Some months later, DC1 mentioned to grandparent about pet. Grandparent was astounded that we had got the pet despite being TOLD not to get a pet. For context we are both mid 40s!
There is an element of control involved.
A year later, it is also hard for me to admit that pet does tie us down and if I could go back, I would not make the decision to get a pet.

In a similar way to the OP, our pet is not welcome in grandparent's house which means we have to board pet when we visit. There is no reason such as allergies/fear/dislike/shedding of hair involved. It is simply the pet is not welcome.

@GlutenFreeGingerCake

Yes if my dd had a free range tarantula I wouldn't be visiting! But I would meet up elsewhere though.

Took the words out of my mouth!

Years ago, my son acquired a tarantula, which lived in a large tank.
With a lid.
Stuck on firmly.
He used to put a sticker on the glass to indicate its whereabouts, so I wouldn't get taken by surprise.
It would only get really active at night, when I didn't visit.
Shudder.
I still didn't get within 20 feet of it.

@LitCrit yes, you have a point there. My feelings are not often considered by my family, now that you mention it

The ultimatum was "if you get the pet we will no longer come and visit". At that stage we had already got the pet. Without consulting parents as we are grown adults living independently and had no idea there would be an issue. So we just said "ok well if that's how you feel that's up to you" . Didn't know what else to say.

@Somuddled I don't mean to pick you out specifically, but have you told your PIL that if they get a dog you won't visit? Do they have that information already? Do they know you don't visit houses with dogs? I'm curious, I hope I don't sound confrontational

How the fuck can it be outing to say you got a cat or a dog?

OP I wonder if one of the things that has become an issue for your parents is your desire for them to meet your pet to see for themselves.

Well meaning people drive me to distraction when they suggest that if I only pet/hold/play with/touch their darling pet then I’ll see how adorable it is an never look back. I know my mind. It was not formed on a whim. No amount of time spent with a pet is going to make me change my mind and it’s really patronising and irritating for people to suggest otherwise .

@Needapoodle I don't think it's outing to say I got a cat or a dog. One in four people have one. (Or whatever the statistic is).

I do, however, think it's outing to say I got a cat or a dog and now my parent refuses to visit, having no allergies, phobias or problem with visiting other homes with pets. I have never personally heard of it happening before. That's why I was reticent.

Have you heard of this before? Has anyone?