DP just threw a cup at DD

[MotherOfDemons]

I'll try to keep it short as I it just happened.

Kids got dropped off by their dad earlier. All has appeared to be fine, DP in a good mood as we all were. He went off to cook his dinner (kids eaten and I didn't want anything). DS and DD(6 and on the spectrum/ADHD) asked if they could have a fizzy drink and I said yes, go ask DP for cups as he is in the kitchen. They asked nicely but DP brought out two squashes. (To note, they only have one glass of fizzy a day as agreed with my ExH so hadn't been drinking fizzy all day every day).

That's fine, said to the kids to drink at least half of them then tip them away. DS drinks all of his and I manage to actually convince DD to drink 3/4 of hers which is an achievement in itself. I then ask her to tip what's left away and I will pour her a fizzy drink.

DP stopped her in the kitchen and asked why there was some left. I called through and said I had said they can drink half and tip the rest out. He kept questioning her so I said, again that I had said it was ok. He swore, snatched the cup from her, tipped it in the sink and threw it at her. Obviously she was terrified and burst into tears.

Was in a it of disbelief and asked him if he really just threw a cup at my daughter. He yelled at me that it wasn't AT her, it was NEAR her. I just walked away to go and console her.

He doesn't have form for this at all. He has rarely even yelled, never mind anything else, even when he is stressed. He has now stormed off out and I have zero clue where he is. I'm in complete shock. I was in an abusive relationship before this and it has triggered a panic attack and I can't calm down.

Need some perspective and to know whether or not I am overreacting by being absolutely livid with him.

That's really crap for you to be in this position thanks to his violent behaviour.

Realistically, how will this pan out when DD tells her father what has happened to her? Do you want to be able to say 'Yes, that's why he's gone now and won't be coming back' or have to try and make excuses for inexcusable behaviour?

I know it's a difficult decision, but I would really think hard tonight about whether you want to have this man around you and your children one way or another for the next 18 years or so after having been violent/aggressive towards a child for wanting the drink she wanted at the outset.

"My daughter is ok now"
No she isn't.

However, I'm sorry that you're in a very difficult situation, OP.

Your instincts are right, though: if a stranger (and your partner is essentially a stranger) had thrown anything "near" any of my children, that would have been a point of no return.

You need to get rid. You've only been together a year and a half and you wouldn't have been able to see each other for a lot of that due to lockdowns.

You say he's not usually like that but you wouldn't know as it's a really new relationship. You need to put your children before him.

I am so sorry op, especially because you are pregnant.

I was the child in this situation and my df would do this to me. I became terrified of him, the unpredictability was horrendous of not knowing when he would flip and throw things. He threw cutlery at my face it missed my eye by millimetres, I still have the scar.

He continued to abuse me verbally, physically and my dm did nothing. I have never forgiven either of them. I don't have a relationship at all with df and a distant one with my dm. My dm did nothing to protect me from him, and I have never recovered from the abuse.

It ended when I fought back with a heavy object, our lives then descended into further violence in the teen years with the police being contacted on more than one occasion.

You cannot stay with this man. It will not end with a simple plastic cup or a heartfelt apology. He knows he has crossed a line and he has left.

Please protect your dd, protect yourself and think carefully about continuing with your pregnancy - he won't change because it is his child. He has a hidden anger problem, and one that you will all be on the receiving end of for decades to come. Be very glad you found out now. This is an absolute blessing because you have the chance to cut him out of your life. Your poor poor dd. She must be feeling so shocked and scared.

It’s worrying that he acted like that over seemingly nothing, stormed out and hasn’t even explained what happened.

I think you know what you need to do.

You might not have had it yet - I think it's around, or just after the 12 week check - but it's a standard procedure; male partners are told to leave the room, and you are spoken to alone by the midwife who explains that domestic violence can escalate, or even begin, during early pregnancy as the man feels you will not or can not now leave. She will give you leaflets and support and a space to discuss. This happens to every pregnant woman (or at least I was told it does, in 2012.)

Anyway, basically that it isn't uncommon for violence to start now. Studies have also shown violence towards unrelated children can begin or increase once a man has his own child on the way.

Unrelated men in the home are a great risk to children once they've shown signs of uncontrollable rage.

I am sorry it has ended this way, but he has ended it.

Honestly I think I would end the pregnancy OP. This man is only going to get worse and if you have his baby you will never be free of him - neither will your daughter.

My ex got violent when I was pregnant, he'd already moved me away from friends and family and entangled us in a way that made it extremely difficult to get away from him.

Was 17 years ago and I still get anxioys thinking about it.

Sounds like he has a very short fuse. How will he behave if your child really does something very annoying? Extremely worrying for you.

Let's not forget he also swore at her or did he swear NEAR her.

He needs to go

Post after post like this remind me why I will NEVER move a partner in with me and my children, now I'm separated from ex DH. For their sake......

I might disappear for a while but please don't worry. I am going to call my Ex (who is absolutely amazing) and ask if he can come get the kids to make sure they are safe. Then I am locking the door and telling STBXP he can go to his brothers and return to get his things.

Not putting my kids through this with another person who thinks they can just fly off the handle and potentially hurt my child. No fucking way.

You only have one responsibility and that is to your dc. The ones that are on the receiving end of your dp's abuse.

You have the added issue now of dc telling their df about this, and you could lose custody. Make the right decision op.

Well done. You're doing the right thing in keeping yourself and your kids safe.

@YoComoManzanas

No that not right. I'd be reconsidering the relationship with him. Definitely he needs to move out. However, fizzy frinks once a day on top of squash is not great for their teeth or general health. Sorry had to say it.

No, you really didn’t need to say it. And saying it makes you sound like a dick.

Bloody good for you!

Well done OP
You’re doing the right thing.
Stay strong, we’re all here for you

Get him out now.
How dare he ?
If he acts like this with you around, can you imagine what he's capable of when your not ?
He's a bully, and bullies are incredibly dangerous around children, especially when the children are not their own.

@VariantL1130

Is it possible that something has happened to him today that you're not aware of that has made him act in this way.

I'm not making excuses for him, but I find it odd that you mentioned that he rarely yells when stressed and such a tiny non event seems to have triggered this reaction in him.

Agree with this. If it is totally out of character, then I would be questioning what is wrong.

@Fiddliestofsticks

At 12 weeks you still have options.

You're not even married to this guy and 18 months is not long enough of a relationship to have children, especially when you already have children and are still gently trying to become a blended family.

He is abusive. A lot of men wait until a woman is pregnant before this stuff starts to show, because they've trapped you now. This is not a one off. Incidents will get more frequent. This will be your life, and the life of yours kids. So, as said, you still have options.

You need to leave him. You have 2 children you need to put first. You made a poor decision moving them in with a man you've only been with for 18 months. Dont compound the mistake by continuing after you've seen the start of the abuse.

Leave him. Consider your options regarding the pregnancy.

This. Definitely this. You have 2 children already. I’d be seriously considering my options re the pregnancy.

Check your tenancy agreement. How long is it for? It may only be 6 months. If longer, does it have a 6 month break clause if it is for a year? 2 year contracts aren’t very common.

Well done op.

He will follow the usual script, he will minimise, gaslight, then start love bombing.

He has showed you, and your dc exactly who he is now, please remember that.

Its not easy, I know its not, your shocked and 101 emotions will be flying about your head, but you're doing the right thing

He needs to go OP. I’m so sorry.

Do you have someone who can come round tonight?

@ChavDiningHalls Sorry, I know she isn't OK. Someone who she adores and has so much respect for hurt her and broke her trust. What I meant was that in the moment right now she is OK, happily sitting next to me talking about Unicorns. I know that she won't really be ok about this for a little while.

Kids Dad is on his way and is aware of what happened. STBEx came back, slammed around a bit and left again. Obviously unaware exactly how serious this is. No fucking effort whatsoever to come and explain what the fuck he was thinking or apologies to DD - not that I would let him anywhere near the kids.

@mrspainful

Post after post like this remind me why I will NEVER move a partner in with me and my children, now I'm separated from ex DH. For their sake......

You could have just kept your sanctimonious, unsupportive comment to yourself you know. That didn't help op one little bit and was simply posted to let a pregnant, shocked woman know that she's not as good as you.

Check your tenancy agreement. See if there is a 6 month break clause. If there is, you should use it to end the tenancy. Otherwise, you will need to negotiate with your landlord and STBXP about getting him removed from the tenancy.