DP just threw a cup at DD

[MotherOfDemons]

I'll try to keep it short as I it just happened.

Kids got dropped off by their dad earlier. All has appeared to be fine, DP in a good mood as we all were. He went off to cook his dinner (kids eaten and I didn't want anything). DS and DD(6 and on the spectrum/ADHD) asked if they could have a fizzy drink and I said yes, go ask DP for cups as he is in the kitchen. They asked nicely but DP brought out two squashes. (To note, they only have one glass of fizzy a day as agreed with my ExH so hadn't been drinking fizzy all day every day).

That's fine, said to the kids to drink at least half of them then tip them away. DS drinks all of his and I manage to actually convince DD to drink 3/4 of hers which is an achievement in itself. I then ask her to tip what's left away and I will pour her a fizzy drink.

DP stopped her in the kitchen and asked why there was some left. I called through and said I had said they can drink half and tip the rest out. He kept questioning her so I said, again that I had said it was ok. He swore, snatched the cup from her, tipped it in the sink and threw it at her. Obviously she was terrified and burst into tears.

Was in a it of disbelief and asked him if he really just threw a cup at my daughter. He yelled at me that it wasn't AT her, it was NEAR her. I just walked away to go and console her.

He doesn't have form for this at all. He has rarely even yelled, never mind anything else, even when he is stressed. He has now stormed off out and I have zero clue where he is. I'm in complete shock. I was in an abusive relationship before this and it has triggered a panic attack and I can't calm down.

Need some perspective and to know whether or not I am overreacting by being absolutely livid with him.

[quote Fiddliestofsticks]@Peanutsandchilli

You are totally wrong. The OP is their parent. He is not. She made a decision. He overruled her. He undermined her. She did not undermine him; he went against a decision she made for her own kids and when he didnt get his way, he turned to violence.

I find it staggering that a mother can make a decision for her child, then an unrelated man decides something different and you say that SHE undermined him because she didnt agree? Wtf is wrong with you?

You're just an apologist for shitty men, someone who thinks men can do no wrong and women must bend over and do as they say. Just stay off this thread, your advice is not wanted.[/quote]
Nicely put, Fiddlies

PP can appease angry men on their own time, it's not on to instruct other women to do so, or put up with it shit happening to their kids.

Have you had one, on the NHS it would be medically induced at this gestation and would involve giving birth. Then there's the obvious mental health effects. Have you experienced one? It warrants more than a four word sentence...get an abortion

I didn't say 'get an abortion' - which sounds like a demand - at all, I said it's what I would do, completely different!

I did pause before I hit post, because I did think it was the kind of statement that the OP might have an almost visceral reaction against, but I thought that even if this were the case, it might contribute to helping her realise how she feels.

You have all as though mental health issues are inevitable from a termination, but this is absolutely not the case. Many, many women do so and are absolutely fine. Not to mention the obvious benefit of not having a violent man in her life for the next 18 years.

Honestly, I think you must have personal issues around termination to have reacted so badly to what I said, and in projecting those onto the OP, and suggesting that was so unacceptable

Sorry, phone posted too soon, was just going to say that if you're acting like suggesting a termination is so unsayable, you might Mayr the OP feel worse about her decision, which personally I would say is insensitive.

So we'll just have to agree to disagree.

@AnotherEmma

It's not too late to consider your options if you are unsure about continuing the pregnancy. If you do continue you don't have to put him on the birth certificate.

Please protect your existing children above all else.

Wow- first post after she mentions she is 12 weeks pregnant is right into 'you have time to consider options'. 🙄 the OP hasn't even mentioned not wanting the pregnancy.

Well done, OP. You did the right thing. It's surprised me that he's accepted it so easily, but tbh I'd take this as a manipulative ploy to get you think he's a good person who understands. He showed his true colours with the incident and his subsequent behaviour of coming back and acting like the swaggering king. You'll get through this and things will get better.

I don't envy your decision about your baby, but it is entirely your choice and neither decision will be the wrong one. You've shown you are a woman of substantial courage and compassion, and so you can be confident in yourself that you'll decide for the best.

@MotherOfDemons

It's done. He has packed a bag and left.

He said if the kids didn't want to see him he wouldn't stay and get between us and accepted everything. Said he was stressed with work and home and took it out on her and is extremely remorseful but accepts we are not together anymore.

I'm devastated but it's for the best. I've been through worse and I can get though this.

Just to clear one thing up though. My wonderful Exh and I split in 2016. I have a relationship in 2018 just before the 6months which was abusive and I left without the kids having even seen a picture of the person. There was no "3 men in 6 months" wherever you got that shit from.

@MotherOfDemons you are one amazing Mum!! Well done for taking such fast and decisive action. You have not only shown your dc that they matter the most and that you have their health and well-being as your top priority, but also that if you make a mistake you can put it right. Your daughter will take so much that is positive from this - and it could have been so different. I do not envy you the decision you need to make about your pregnancy now - but you know deep down what is best for you and your family and you will make the right decision.

For all of the judgy pp's - if it were that easy to escape from an abusive manipulative partner wouldn't this world be a much happier place!?!

What helps women (& men) in these situations is unconditional support and belief. Not blame or criticism. The person being abused is already in a place of blame, criticism and many other negative cognitive processes and beliefs.

If it makes you feel powerful or holier than thou to judge and criticise someone who is being abused then perhaps you need to look a little bit closer to home.

Well done op.

what a lame excuse, he was stressed with work??!! WTAF

What would happen when he has some real problems to deal with, some proper stress to contend with - will your six year dd be a punch bag for his stress?

He knew the moment he did that to her it was over. Sometimes you just no, and I am glad he has gone without hurting you further.

You have bigger problems than him to think about now, and I wish you the strength and courage to get through this so that you can be free of abusive men. Your dd has now seen how you deal with abusers, and this is a life lesson for her as well. They pack their bags and they disappear. Be sure to reassure her that this is nothing to do with her, this is an anger problem inside of HIM that means he can't live any longer with you all. Poor thing. Really important for her not to blame herself for this op.

**know

Well done OP for teaching your children the most valuable lesson ever, nobody should put up with violence (even a cup!). They will remember that forever.

I hope you have some support to help you. Take care

the OP hasn't even mentioned not wanting the pregnancy

Yes she has.

I dont get the requests of throwing half a drink away.

That's ok @Viviennemary, nobody needs you to get it, & OP doesn't need your retro-active permission about what to do with her own unwanted squash.

Giving out orders about fizzy drinks and squash and how much they are allowed to drink.
I often wonder if you are for real.
DP was asked to get cups out, as he was in the kitchen.
OP was going to sort the drinks out, but DP misunderstood, & poured squash. No big deal, & no "orders".

Does life need to be so complicated.
The only person complicating a totally ordinary situation was DP - who misunderstood about the squash, then lost his temper with a small child.

He was trying to grt himself something to eat.
FFS. Is it only women who can multitask?
MAN MUST EAT. MAN CAN ONLY PERFORM ONE TASK AT TIME. MAN CONFUSED NOW! MAN ANGRY! WOMAN AT FAULT!

Couldnt you have dealt with the drinks yourself.
MAN MUST NOT BE ASKED TO DO SMALL HELPFUL ACTS!
Also, if you bother to read OP's further posts, you'll see that she was dealing with the drinks herself - DP was only asked to get the cups out, as he was already in the kitchen. She followed (how else do you think she saw what was happening?) to sort out getting the fizzy, but he'd already poured the squash, because he misunderstood/wasn't listening.

Still no thread's complete without your usual man-apologia schtick, so thanks for the contribution, I'm sure OP found it really helpful.

MotherOfDemons

It's done. He has packed a bag and left.

He said if the kids didn't want to see him he wouldn't stay and get between us and accepted everything. Said he was stressed with work and home and took it out on her and is extremely remorseful but accepts we are not together anymore.

I'm devastated but it's for the best. I've been through worse and I can get though this.

Just to clear one thing up though. My wonderful Exh and I split in 2016. I have a relationship in 2018 just before the 6months which was abusive and I left without the kids having even seen a picture of the person. There was no "3 men in 6 months" wherever you got that shit from.
......

You've done jolly well! I'm sorry you feel so wretched about it but it is for the best and you will get over it.

Now the question is, what about the baby you are expecting.

Iv just read the entire thread & wanted to say to OP:

1. massive well done in doing the best thing in these circumstances-so difficult and you are so brave

2. I really feel for you, you must be really hurting Stay strong it will all work out you will look back from a much better place and be sooooo glad you took the best course of action for you & your children.

3. Please look after yourself too-lots of self care whether that’s counselling, time with supportive family/friends Etc- this is a lot to go through and remember- when you’re doing well this will be positive for your children too. I’m glad mumsnet has helped (ignore the few dick heads ) my world once fell apart and mumsnet was a fantastic support

4. I was so happy to read your last comment. You are an inspiration to all including your children

Best wishes xx

I'm suprised he hasn't put up more of a fight to save the relationship especially if he is remorseful over his actions and especially with a baby involved. Not that he should be given a second chance of course.

50ShadesOfCatholic

<strong>Here's what I don't understand.</strong>

<strong>You have, by your own admission, been in an abusive relationship previously and swore you would never get into one again. Yet here you are. OK that happens.</strong>

<strong>But you have an exH, very near, very supportive, to call upon. Was he the abusive X? If not, I'm curious as to why you broke up.</strong>

<strong>Also, none of this adds up. Having worked extensively with women leaving abusive relationships, there is something distinctly "off" about this. Mostly the speed and clarity of your updates.</strong>

I sincerely hope you no longer work with women from abusive relationships, because your comment "by your own admission" is a revolting piece of victim-blaming. It shows a mind incapable of placing the blame squarely where it belongs - at the door of angry & controlling men, not their trusting partners.

As to casting doubt on OP's frank account of what happened ...
Maybe it's best for you to step away from the thread right now, & go & pray to your Catholic god for forgiveness.

I would not give this man another chance.

@50ShadesOfCatholic are you suggesting that a women can only end a relationship if it’s abusive? You sound fucking stupid.

I'm suprised he hasn't put up more of a fight to save the relationship especially if he is remorseful over his actions and especially with a baby involved

It looks to me like he has taken his chance to scuttle away and avoid the responsibility of a baby.
The lack of a fight looks to me like someone that has decided to check out regardless.

Op would do well to note that he is unlikely to be of any help to her in the future if she decides to continue with the pregnancy and make her decisions based on raising a child if she continues completely alone and without help. There is still time to take decisions around the pregnancy and whether she wishes to continue.

Equally how much 'help' would you want from a man that throws things and swears at six year old children anyway?

Op has a big decision to make about her future.

@Viviennemary Here we go again with another sexist,misogynistic and downright ignorant post from you-we can ALWAYS count on reading your usual response to defend any male in any situation posted on this forum.

@stepupandbecounted

I'm suprised he hasn't put up more of a fight to save the relationship especially if he is remorseful over his actions and especially with a baby involved

It looks to me like he has taken his chance to scuttle away and avoid the responsibility of a baby.
The lack of a fight looks to me like someone that has decided to check out regardless.

Op would do well to note that he is unlikely to be of any help to her in the future if she decides to continue with the pregnancy and make her decisions based on raising a child if she continues completely alone and without help. There is still time to take decisions around the pregnancy and whether she wishes to continue.

Makes me think maybe there's maybe more to it and I agree he maybe wasn't committed to the idea of a baby of his own. Maybe the incident has made him realize he isn't going to be cut out for fatherhood.

I suspect he thinks he'll go off for a day or 2 while OP calms down and expects to come crawling back in due course

@MotherOfDemons

You are a fabulous mother. Never doubt that.

I would guess that your swift, decisive action has saved you from a lot of heartbreak in future as this man is an utter arsehole and he showed his true colours, and once he's done that, it's usually all downhill from there, so kudos to you for not putting up with this shit.

Your children are very fortunate to have a mother like you

Well done OP, you've 100% done the right thing.

@SeaShoreGalore

the OP hasn't even mentioned not wanting the pregnancy

Yes she has.

At the point when this poster replied- she hadn't