Not wanting fertility tests

[CaitlyntheCactus]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 6 years, TTC for 3. We are both 33.

Prior to getting engaged we had the usual conversations about kids etc. DH wants 2, I wanted 1, may be 2 depending on how it goes but essentially was just happy to see how things went. I made it clear that I wasn’t someone who wanted to be a parent, whatever the cost. We have a number of friends who have chosen to adopt so alternative ways of becoming parents was also discussed – DH wanted biological children, I was less fussed, but I was very clear that I did not want and would not have fertility treatment.

After 3 years of TTC I have never once POAS. There has been not so much as a hint of a pregnancy. After about 6 months, DH suggested we may be speak to the GP but I was clear I didn’t want to. He’s raised the idea a couple of times since and I have always refused. Last time I suggested he go to the GP, which he did but other than a general check up they refused further testing or referrals unless I would go as well.

I have an underactive thyroid which is appropriately medicated. Last time I had my annual blood test I told them we were TTC and so they did the free T3 etc tests and all came back within optimal range, I did have the details and confirmed that online and was confident everything was where it should be.

DH thinks “they’re only tests” but my argument is that tests lead to treatment – if it discovers I’m not ovulating there’s a pill for that. A pill a will refuse to take. So what is the point of having tests to discover something I am not prepared to do anything about? I think it’s a waste of my time and a waste of NHS resources (these are my own feelings and in no way a reflection of my feeling of others choices).

It all came to a head last night and I have told DH that if he wants children he needs to find someone else – I’d be thrilled to get pregnant, but I think at this point we have to accept it won’t happen naturally for us and for me that is the end of it.

I was considering suggesting that we seek private support to get DH tested so we can be sure the issue doesn’t lie with him?

I’m just very clear I won’t take drugs to get pregnant – other than my thyroxine I haven’t taken any medication in close to 15 years (I’ve had all my vaccines including COVID). I’ve never taken hormonal birth control. I simply do not see the need for most things and I don’t want to start down a path. I think it would be really easy to have some tests, try some medication for a month, just another month and before you know it I’m injecting myself with hormones and such (yes I appreciate there are many many steps between the 2!).

I’ve spent time reading the fertility boards here and I just don’t want that for me. I don’t recognise myself in those women, I don’t want that to happen to my relationship – but I guess it is ayway.

Argh. I just don’t know what to do. I need to cut him free don’t I?

I just don't think you want children.

your body your choice
but one thing that jumps out at me if you are willing to get your DH checked out to see if the problem may lie with him but your not willing to do it yourself, going to see a GP to get some tests done doesnt automatically mean fertility treatment

I think you're just not that fussed about having children. My SIL is the same, they have tried, it didn't happen and they got on with their lives. I think, for them, a baby would have been nice but they were happy without one and it wasn't a big deal. It sounds like you are the same.

It confuses me that you want to get your husband tested though - what would be the point of that?

Ultimately your husband needs to decide if he can live without kids, because if you're not willing to take steps to have them (which you are have every right not to) then it sounds like it's not going to happen for you as a couple.

Would you be willing to properly consider adoption?

You don’t want dc and that’s fine it’s also fine if he does and as you both feel so strongly you probably do need to split.

I don't want to get my husband tested - he wants us both to get tested. I've suggested he gets tested because it is what he wants, I don't care if he gets tested or not but the NHS won't test him but not me.

I'd love to have a child, I always saw my future with kids and a dog and it does feel like we have something missing at the moment.

I'd be really quite happy to adopt but DH doesn't want that, at least not at this stage.

If you want a child then do/be prepared to do the tests.

Sometimes people need extra help and not getting that may mean the difference in having a child or being childless. I still don't think you sound that bothered for one

I think you don't want children personally
I also think you want dh to be tested to maybe 'pinpoint' he is the issue maybe?

I had fertility treatment for 2 of mine. And it wasn't like any of the horror stories I read on the boards. I thibk mainly because people like to post doom and gloom.
Just like a product review. People happily go on to rant about a product if its not to their standard but probably wouldn't take time to give a positive response.

However I also think you both want completely different things and you will end up resenting eachother.

A relation of mine was the same, wanted no tests as didn't want to apportion 'blame.' They were desperate for kids though so adopted.

Your body your choice.

Nobody should try to force you to go down a road you’re very insistent on you don’t want to get on. That said, I think it’s fair that your partner might decide to break up your relationship and find someone who wants to have kids and is willing to undergo fertility treatments. If that happens, let him go. You’ll find someone else but forcing yourself to undergo medical treatment you absolutely don’t want will damage you (mentally) too much and no man in the world is worth this.

I don’t think this stance means that OP doesn’t want kids. I was/am exactly the same, I wouldn’t have ever had fertility treatment. Everyone has a line, people who stop fertility treatment for whatever reason don’t want a child any less than people who continue and that would be a horrible thing to suggest.
OP would be happy to adopt, why not suggest that it’s her DH who doesn’t really want kids because he won’t go down this route.

I agree you don't want children. If you don't have the tests you won't know.

If you don't have the tests you won't know.

Won't know what?

If this was a woman posting that her partner was refusing to have the tests, he'd be castigated for deceiving her (he's clearly not that bothered about children) and she'd be told to leave him.

While it's entirely your choice, your reasoning is nonsensical. Tests do not automatically mean treatment, you're free to leave the process at any time. You won't take medication, but you already do!

Won't know what your fertility problem is. Won't know if it's your husband or you. Or maybd even both. I understand why you don't wsnt to go down the hormone pumping IVF route. Or even take drugs at all.

Definitely your body your choice. But tests only lead to treatment if you CHOOSE to have treatment. Personally I would want to know if there was a chance of conceiving naturally before considering other options, even if I then chose not to pursue other options. I can't help but think there must be an underlying reason that you don't want to get tested - you seem to feel strong in your view and choice so I can't imagine (if tests came back showing issues) that you'd succumb to pressure to have treatment if you didn't want it.

I think it's a very odd line to draw: "no medications" without considering the individual risks and benefits of each medication.
Also, ivestigations aren't only about treatment: they are also about prognosis.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to have checks/treatment etc you're choice completely but I am just wondering what is stopping you?

If it was a quick fix which increased the likelihood of conceiving I am struggling to understand why you wouldn't explore that avenue. No critism genuinely just trying to understand!

Your DH definitely can be tested without you being as well. My DP was offered a semen analysis completely separate to my investigations.

Wanttocry Thanks. I do want kids. If I didn't want kids I would say I'm not that fussed etc. I think not wanting kids is a perfectly valid life choice. I do want kids, I just don't want fertility treatment.

Hi OP,
I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year and a half and the next step is deeper investigation/treatment. I completely understand if you don't want to get into it, but I am curious as to why fertility investigations or treatments are not for you.

If you don't want biological children and he definitely does then yes you need to cut him free.

However make it extremely clear to him that you don't want biological children and are happy to have adopted children. You may need to be blunter but you definitely will need to be clearer than your initial post to get your message across.

Slightly different but I know about 3 couples where one partner can't have children for one reason or other, and knew they didn't want to go down the route of fertility treatment.

The one who could have children with given the clear choice to make their own decision whether they wanted to continue with the relationship or not.

Honestly I would find your attitude really frustrating. I don't think you're going into 'tests' with an open mind.
You may have some bloods and a scan at the same time your partner has bloods / produces a sample and you find out at least what the recommended path is.

You may find out you both have quite severe limits to getting pregnant and would need months fo expensive and invasive tests.
You may find out (as a good friend did) that she needed B vitamins to help lengthen her Luteal phase and she was pregnant naturally in 3 months.

If I was your partner I'd respect that medication and invasive fertility methods were a hard no, but to refuse the investigations feels stubborn to me. You have no idea what super simple tweaks could get you pregnant. Or on the other side the recommendation for full IVF which you could then confidently say 'I'm not doing that'

I get not wanting to go down the ivf route, I don't think I would want to either. But if you both do the tests it might give you some idea whether conceiving could ever happen or if there is a problem that means it won't happen. With that information you can decide your next steps. If DH knows that it's not possible to have a biological child then he can look into other options.

You could have tests to know if natural is possible. But not have treatments

I would say though that I probably would want to have the tests just because I would want to know. Just so if they said “you won’t conceive naturally” I could sort of mentally take myself out of “we’re currently ttc.”

I appreciate though that practically speaking that would be very difficult if it was a case of “try this medication” and then your DH is there wanting you to take it.